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Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Reader Mail: Waspy Southern Girls
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DB1-
So, I used to know this girl… She was hot in that adorably vapid, sweet, likely to be abused sort of way. Anyways, I looked her up on facebook and found out that she married this guy…she is the girl on the right.
What is it about adorable waspy southern girls that they marry 28+yo douchebags when they’re 22?
What’s even worse about this guy is that his hair was a FAR more douchey version in the wedding pics. Like an intentionally haphazard version of the same douche-spike. Anyways, keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
-Stalking the April Hall of Hott
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Yup, married to a hair-spikey stage-2 ex-Fratbag. And all while Ubiquitous Red Cup watches sadly. Granted, this pic doesn’t really betray much in the way of noteworthy douche/hott. But the letter sums up the pathos many of us have experienced when a former GF marries a scrote like this putz.
So good work, STAHoH, and may you find that lovely April. And send us pics.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009Accidental Sign Language
Interestingly, their combined hand gestures spell out “Bark Suitability Pregnancy” in international sign language.
Which makes a certain sort of sense, if you think about it.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009Ted’s Crimsplosion
It’s a Crimsplosion of Scrote!!
A Teducation of Taint!!
A… well, a Crimson Ted. Complete with Marilyn Monroe sweater-vest, sparkley belt buckle, and fondling a Paid-to-Pose butt girl.
Note the absolute first here at HCwDB: A Triple Mark of the ‘Bag.
Like the Triple Lindig before it, this is a legend only whispered about in the hallways of douchal training centers, but never fully believed to be real.
Yet here we have proof.
Crimson Ted. One cock-n-balls Mark of the ‘Bag on the forehead grease. Two nutsacks on either cheek.
Appreciate the legend. For it is poosome.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009Ted's Crimsplosion
It’s a Crimsplosion of Scrote!!
A Teducation of Taint!!
A… well, a Crimson Ted. Complete with Marilyn Monroe sweater-vest, sparkley belt buckle, and fondling a Paid-to-Pose butt girl.
Note the absolute first here at HCwDB: A Triple Mark of the ‘Bag.
Like the Triple Lindig before it, this is a legend only whispered about in the hallways of douchal training centers, but never fully believed to be real.
Yet here we have proof.
Crimson Ted. One cock-n-balls Mark of the ‘Bag on the forehead grease. Two nutsacks on either cheek.
Appreciate the legend. For it is poosome.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009The Kiwidouche
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Hi DB1,
Fly west from Sydney three hours and you’ll hit New Zealand, Aotearoa, land of the long white cloud. Venture out on a night and you’ll encounter kiwidouche.
Kiwidouche grow disproportionately, the claws achieving a size too large for the yet undeveloped body to control. Hence the squint-eyed visage lost in the ecstasy of grope as the strobe light pulses, hinting at seizure.
Luckily, this junior kiwidouche will soon be at peace with the forest, cut down not by the URC, which is yet to cast its predatory shadow over godzone, but by the overpriced premixed rendition of one Jim Beam, mate.
Young blonde surfer hotts are free again to ride the next wave of bourbon sweat.
Yours,
New Doucheland 1.
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Well tagged, ND1, and what is clear is that the Grieco Virus, unleashed from America upon the world, has still only taken a budding root in countries like New Zealand.
You must fight back before the douche virus spreads. Save the blonde party hotts. By mocking the Kiwibag. From a safe distance.
And if that doesn’t work, hitting on his hotts when he’s in the bathroom.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009Take Him…
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Rancid Meat Fungus and the Porkchop Hott Attack
It’s like one of those closeup slides of rancid meat fungus attacking a healthy, succulent piece of porkchop hottness from my third grade Health Class.
And yes, in third grade I was turned on by porkchops.
Because they were tasty.
And when you haven’t figured out boobie hottie suckle thigh yet, a tasty piece of porkchop goes a long way to working out early sexual awakening.
I learned this by reading Freud’s Beyond the Porkchop Principle.
Monday, February 23, 2009Chum
They’re gonna need a bigger boat.
The Yankee Douche Dynasty
I try to remain impartial when judging specific sports fan culture.
But it may be time to proclaim that it is more than coincidence that nearly all baseball cap wearing douches sliming up on some mellon-balls happen to be wearing Yankees caps.
And with popped collar, no less.
Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? A nation turns its lonely collar to you. Poo poo poo.
Monday, February 23, 2009Crimson Ted Loves Crap
Out with the black velvet suit. In with the ski goggles. And yet another A-List Hott on his arm.
Yet Crimson Ted is above such petty worldly desires like feminine companionship.
For he loves crap.
And Crimson Ted reminds you to vote in the HCwDB of the Week contest, below.
