Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Week

Last week was an excellent sampling of the hott/choad, and it was tough to cull down to three finalists. But cull I must. And by cull, I mean drink.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Waxy McBrow and Rachelle

For bringing classic Eastern European Scrotifery to the game, Waxy is understated douche.

And by understated, I mean extreme bothersomeness.

And lets not forget the other pics in this sequence of VIP Taint: Waxy and Goose and Waxy and Co..

Rachelle is all that is golden in Guadalcanal.

All that is boobie in Borneo.

Her implants may be implanted, but her smile is 100% authentically inspirational. It causes poets to weep softly, and cheetahs to run with extreme speed across the Serengeti.

Together, they make a worthy finalist pair.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Herp Salad

Lunch? Only if you like crabs.

Herpster may be a PTP Douche. And Carolyn may be PTP Hott.

But if they’re both paid, then neither are the payee, and therefore the coupling is authentobaggery. That’s my logic and I’m sticking to it.

And if you like that logic train wreck, I blame the Steven Hawking methodology of slide ruler analysis. It states that if an atom in a state of particle/wave flux is positioned on the edge of a black hole, then thighs deserve to be licked with peanut butter.

Hmm.

Maybe I got that system slightly wrong.

Regardless, this guy sucks, and she’s tasty.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: White Boy and Bunny Lebowski

Anyone who tattoos “White Boy” on their stomach deserves a Weekly shot.

And whether or not that’s really Bunny, and I think it is, she’s certainly munchable enough in that trashy Vegas way to hold up the hott side of the douche/hott equation.

For making the gang pose and containing a sneery face, White Boy’s still uberdouchey even without the fwippy hair.

Bunny has implanted curves that Shannon Hoon O.D.ed on.

Yeah. That was a Shannon Hoon reference. Because stuff actually did happen in the early 1990s. We’ve just blocked it all out because it smelled so flannely.

(Dis)honorable mention to Grad School Melissa and Whiffy the Clown, Umbiko’s Vision, The Frying Pan to the Head ‘Bag, and the massively impressive Trunk, all of whom were thisclose, and in a regular week, each probably would’ve made it.

But this was a tough week, and as such, each finalist is worthy of its own unique mockage/lustage.

But which coupling rises to the top? That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Lake Havapoo

And as we all mull how the show may or may not impact the site, lets get back to basics.

Here’s The Swamprat ‘Bag.

Indigenous to the South and Southwest regions of the central United States, Swamprat ‘Bags are known to pop up in muddy lakes behind boobie hottie suckle thighs.

And make the scrotal version of Rodin’s The Thinker.

By tugging on the chin pubes.

HCwDB: The Show

Exciting news to announce, fellow ‘bag hunters, huntresses, hotts and hott appreciators.

Starting in June on MTV, Hot Chicks with Douchebags is going televisual.

Yes your humble narrator has been hard at work for the past year taking the HCwDB Experience to the next proverbial level. I created a reality show pitch inspired by the website, MTV bought it, and we shot the pilot last Fall.

With a pick up in January, we are now in full-on production to take our battle of the scrote to the next level.

As “Douchebag” remains titularly challenging, the show is called Is She Really Going Out With Him?, and yes, we’ve updated the classic Joe Jackson song in all its goodness.

As a creator and Executive Producer of the show, I can guarantee that the high traditions of HCwDB will continue in the reality TV format. I’m very happy with how it’s turning out, and think both long time fans as well as new viewers will dig it.

There will be more about this project shortly, but MTV was nice enough to let me announce it here first. Look for the trailer, which starts airing on MTV today.

On another note, there will be be an announcement about the book-to-film, with yours truly writing the script, in the next few months as well. Stay tuned as year #3 of the HCwDB experience takes things to the next level of global domination and cultural shift.

Playa playa.

Now back to your daily mocking…

Friday Thoughts and Links

It’s Doggie ‘Baggin’ Friday here at HCwDB!!

Everyone grab a white belt and do the double grind!!

And by everyone I mean this guy. And by this guy, I mean this guy’s sideways “gang-sign” just made the ghost of Biggie take up knitting.

And, on an unrelated note, I didn’t care about Star Trek until I saw the Burger King collectable glasses. And yes, I will be collecting all of them. Judge me if you must.

Here’s your Friday Links:

Scrotal Icon of 2004 and former trucker, Ashton Kutcher, and his BFF, legendary douchebag John Mayer, now tweet at each other across cyberspace. Can untalent be virtual? Lets ask someone I trust.

Internet greasball thespian of taint, the unlegendary laughingstock Arthur Kade takes on a punching bag. And loses. Kade style.

Which makes you more of a douche bong, the fact you’re covering Toto’s Africa? Or the “air piano” sequence at 3:10? I’m voting “air piano.”

The Crimson King brings a whole lot of bodybuilder Orange, and even two choady sidekicks, but no hotts, sadly.

NBA something-or-other, Chris Anderson, aka “The Birdman” is one running three-point hook shot of taint.

Hall of Hotter, The Holy Blue Triangle is still going strong.

I’m not sure about this whole new Tropicana/Mountain Dew campaign they just unveiled, Orange Jews. Still, it’s gotta do better than that whole misguided “Muslim Berry” energy drink from last year.

Zubaz pants iz making a comeback. Stop! Hammertime.

And, since you’ve been good, here’s your Friday Ass Pear: The Garden of Ass Pear Delights.

Is this Chandlerbag?

Is this HCwDB winning uberdouche Chandlerbag, of Chandlerbag and the Bumper?

Mayhap. Mayhap not.

Either way, My kingdom for a kick-in-the-balls.

And while I wasn’t aware that Frank Gehry was designing bathing suits, I would most certainly Disney her Bilbaos on the left.

Yup. Architecture humor. Because it’s Friday and I’m runnin’ on fumes.

And by fumes, I mean tasty Hostess snack cakes.

Muddle of Pudd

Sure, you laugh now at Muddle #1’s High Hat Hair now. But you won’t be laughing when he goes swimming and inadvertently spears a halibut.

Yeah, I said halibut.

And I’ll say it again.

Just watch me.

Halibut.

Friday Haiku

Orange Ben Stiller.
Hott? Perhaps not so hott, true,
But boob tan redeems.

She sips mercury
They have tanned on Mercury
Hermes must smite them.

— Crucial Head

I am very tough.
I eat oats three times a day.
I spray myself orange.

— teh abominable snowdouche

Tan lines, go-go boots
Happy hour buzz, I’d hit it
Hate myself next day

— Yahoo Scrotius

Peace to you, homey
Want to save the planet?
Quit bogarting the sun

— JoMama

Trunk

trunk (n).

6. See “badonkadonk.”

Take These Boobs… Please

Nice boobs!

And the brunette has a nice rack as well.

Yes, it’s the oldest joke in the book. Yes, the Friars Club just banned it from all future roasts.

But it’s still funny. And if it isn’t funny, boobs.

A Case Study in DoucheLipsery

I know what you’re thinking.

“That guy isn’t so scrotey. More like a stage-1 douche for the fwippy hair.”

Ah, young one, you have much to learn.

For instance, how fast can the douchelips emerge in presence of a suckle thigh this quality?

This fast.