Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Thoughts and Links

If Boobie Hottie Suckle Thighs were adjectives, I would speak them.

If Boobie Hottie Suckle Thighs were perjoratives, I would curse them.

If Boobie Hottie Suckle Thighs were negatives, I would deny them.

If Boobie Hottie Suckle Thighs were coffee beans, I would grind them up, brew them, then slobber on them like a Pavlov-trained dog in a bell factory.

Here’s your Friday links:

The trailer for the show is now up at MTV.com: Is She Really Going Out With Him? Checkitout.

In Jerzey, they pump fists, not gas. Insert requisite fist pumping joke here. (warning: no hotts in video, only TopGun-esque heteroized homoerotica)

Anonymous Internet Uberchoad (AIU) Arthur Kade lists his mocking on HCwDB as part of his Press Coverage (scroll down). I gotta get this guy on the show. Or not.

Gawker tags the World’s Richest Douchebag. And Gawker even uses the word “douchebag” to describe him, even though they keep trying to retire the word. Nice try but it’s here to stay, Gawkerbags.

Ed Hardy sells decals. Another piece of the collective soul of human accomplishment peels off, shrivels up, and dies.

The biggest douche in the NBA.

Staten Island. Where Hotts and Douches go to fight.

Mega sharks? Giant Octopus? Deborah Gibson? Lorenzo Lamas? I’m there.

The Gotti Family is in foreclosure. I don’t know if I should really make fun of people losing their homes, but hey, blowouts.

And finally… because you’ve been good…

EDIT: Due to complaints about potential photoshopping in the South American Ass Pears I so generously provided, I am removing them.

To make up for any potential ass fakery, I give you the very real, very genuune Ass Pear La Plante #4 (with partial face-view bonus)

Mmmm… what a way to drift into Friday night…

Superbag

Yes Karl, if you press on her abdomen, she squeaks.

The Boat Gaggle

Gaggle of Sorority Hotts? Check.

Richard Edson in the back, celebrating after returning Cameron’s Ferrari? Check.

Starhead in the front who thinks he pwns because he made out with the chick on the far right last night? Check.

Ubiquitous Red Cups? Boobies?

Check and mate. By which I mean me, and the girl in the blue.

Yes, I just made a chess related “mate” joke.

Because one night in Bangkok makes a hard man mumble.

Friday Haiku

Jean shirted poo man,
Mugging Iowa Corn Girls,
And Morkless Mindy.

Hey, filthy hobo
Get out of that Midwest dorm
Leave farm girls to me

— Mr. White

Picnic blanket hott
Gets bunny ears from sister.
“Desiree, QUIT IT!!!”

— boatbutter

Hillbilly found bic.
Hillbilly put bic to his chest.
Hillbilly smooth now.

— Rage and lust in the time of Holbrooks

Billy Ray Douchebag
Molesting those hotts hurts my
Achy breaky brain

— Father Guido Sardouchey

A waxed chest is sexy?
Hot girls say “Yes!” with their boobies
Can’t see douchiness

— JoMama

The Poonas Brothers

Note to tough looking douche with giant watch, electrified hair and chin-pube dribble:

Do not pose like you just stormed the Bastille and made out with a bar wench in the wash closet.

You didn’t. And you didn’t.

Melvin The Zebra

Sorry Melvin.

Simply tattooing the location of the Ark of the Covenant on your left pec and wearing the proverbial Raiders cap is not enough to compensate for the zebra pants.

You are not “gangsta.”

Stephanie may giggle coyly. But she still thinks you smell like week old Bodyspray.

Doucheclowns in the ‘Lot Part. 3

Continuing our long running series, Doucheclowns in the Lot, (see parts 1 and 2), here’s part 3.

So it seems Vinny, Vinny and Vinny have picked up a Brothabag, a few other Jerz Guids, and a sexy blonde.

Oh, they also picked up the Chylmid.

But that was totally Tony’s fault for saying Carol was all good, bro.

Doucheclowns in the 'Lot Part. 3

Continuing our long running series, Doucheclowns in the Lot, (see parts 1 and 2), here’s part 3.

So it seems Vinny, Vinny and Vinny have picked up a Brothabag, a few other Jerz Guids, and a sexy blonde.

Oh, they also picked up the Chylmid.

But that was totally Tony’s fault for saying Carol was all good, bro.

Propellerhead

Like March’s HCwDB of the Week Finalist, Blenderboy, Propellerhead asks us to consider the guyliner wearing patchwork emo douche.

With bonus jewelry and “rocker” ‘bag hand gesture. Hmm. This might be a Weekly, seeing as I want to drop-kick his future unborn children.

Hitting on Librarian Sue, who has what I like to call “Midwestern Future Mom But Still Sexy” style.

Sure she’s not coastal hott. But she’s happy to be suckin’ on chili dogs, right outside the Taste-e-Freeze. And don’t discount the reasonable first date bonus when judging the hott.

Ask DB1: The Ubiquitous Red Cup

—-
Dear DB1,

-Baleen
—-

The imporance of the URC as organizing structure, as pastiche icon of our HCwDB simulacrum, is simply to fixate on the specific to reveal the projection of the self onto the “Other.”

The solid red color, a primal projection slate. The disposability, an indictment of consumer culture. The lack of name brand, a reminder of the everyday beneath the market branded.

To be reminded of these through this semiotic trigger system is to be awakened from culturally imposed somnambulence. You should thank your parents. For they have inadvertently provided a totem to configure your presence in the real.

Yup. It’s early. I need a coffee.