Wednesday, October 6, 2010

HCwDB of the Week: The Kleenex and Nicola

It was a Canadian blowout of ‘baggian proportions. With a run of party douche, Kleencrotch #3. And even incognito Woody Woodpanel, the Kleenex wipers were too
strong, and Nicola too hott, not to win, taking down Benny Wah and the Alt Hotts and The Golden ‘Baggers with ease.

The voters speak:

Istandouche: Easy competition this week. Kleenex gets my vote.

Jacques Doucheteau: Well good for you Mr. Choke-on-your-own-cock-grease. You’ve finally found a lifestyle that permits you to successfully pick up on drunk girls that lack even a smidgen of taste, class, self-esteem, or badly needed antibiotics. For that we shall bestow upon you real celebrity status: To be known far and wide as a complete and total douchebag, worthy only of our mock.

Fatness: Pic #2 seals the hott part of the deal, and Kleenex Wiper’s got to be one of the taintiest slime balls ever to grow in the Great White North.

Charles Ulysses Farley: This is the kind of asshat that should be subjected to repeated painful government experiments regarding the pain threashold. And Nicola. Oh my! You have that sultry, Amanda Peet look about you. Me likey.

Captain Lame: You see Nicola was once a beautiful clean sheet of soft material that would’ve feel wonderful on my nethers. Unfortunately this choad is a mucusy discharge that ruins said soft piece of material upon contact.

End the Haberdouchery: Kleenex gets my vote. He strikes me as the type of guy who tucks it between his legs every night before bed and dances for himself in front of a full length mirror, Buffalo Bill style.

Mr. White: the huge gulf that separates the douchosity of Kleenex and ethereal hottness of Nicola cannot be ignored

The Goob the Bag and the Pudly: I gotta go with Kleenex, too. I feel my blood beginning to boil at the thought of tasty Nicola and her knee-weakening come-hither eyes and smile cuddling up to that tattooed, bling-bedecked wad of excrement.

Amerigo Vesdouchey: Nicola is the hottest hott here since Jebus’s Mary. And probably not as high-maintenence. I would tickle her ass with a feather.

The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Kleenex is a douchebag whore selling himself as a brand. That brand is Douchebag Pro. Kleenex Wiper and Nicola win it for the bling.

smackdouche: I must vote for the KIleenex Mafia. Which is the worst name for a group/collective ever. Sounds like they would bust your kneecaps after watching “Steel Magnolias”.

Deltus: Kleenex is so dyed-in-the-wool douchetastic nasty taint-smelling poo, I fear for the future of Canadian health care because of the random, multi-drug-resistant infections of everything from The Virus to STDs he inadvertently passes along at his parties.

Musicman: Kleenex by far deserves the weekly…He brings shame to Toronto…..What if the Kleenex brothers meet Dimitri?!? If that happens, then the Canadian douchepocalypse will happen! RUN TO YOUR SHELTERS PEOPLE!!!!!!

Exactly. Good call, people. But while it was a Toronto blowout, both The Golden ‘Bagger and Benny Wah and the Alt Hotts did find a little support:

Tony Ventresca: #2 Golden Bagger. For two reasons: (1) he thinks he’s as cool as Mickey Rourke but doesn’t realize he’s going to end up looking like a piece of old chewed-up leather just like Mickey, and (2) she is Hall of Hott worthy in my opinion (or at least Little Tony thinks so). The others look like they might be able to pass as normal humans with street clothes and hair gel washed out.

Captain Scrote Sparrow: Ricky Rockett and the 3 large Orange Juicers get my vote. I like big boob’s and i’d drink from that fountain anytime…

doucheywallnuts: The Golden Bagger FTW. He and Patricia are living, breathing reminders of precisely why cliches and stereotypes exist, and by extension why this web site lives and thrives.

Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho: As for Patricia– well, as much as I hate to see bicycle helmet hair and oversized shades on a woman, her body (artificially enhanced though it may be) is smokin’, and makes me tingly in the right places.

I R A Darth Aggie: The Alt Hotts FTW. And by “win” I mean “kick Benny in the Wah”.

Tom Choad: Benny Wah for the win! What kind of a douche makes a four-year old’s nyah-nyah face when posing with hott chicks? Somebody remove that sludge from the gene pool, please.

I hear ya, T.C. and I’m glad a few people saw the ‘Baggers Gold and Benny Wah as worthy of mock. And the Alt Hotts have yet to get their due for hottness. But this was a Kleenex Nose Wipe blowout. Lets let system of douche take us home:

It’s Kleenex for me. He is sinister. He is douche to the core. He is so self absorbed with his bling, chest shave reveal, tatts, and stupid haircut he makes me want to scour the neighborhood for mewling kittens, collect them in a burlap bag and repeatedly swing said bag to the pavement until there is silence.

Won’t somebody think of the poor mewling kittens? Kleeny and Nicola for our next slot in the Monthly, and your humble narrator for Corn Pops.

# posted by douchebag1
7:08 am October, 6 Wedgie said...

Nice win, dickwad. Nicola, please come to your senses. He is secretly in love with your brother.

7:34 am October, 6 Deltus said...

That was inevitable. The douche is far too strong with this one. Nicola, please dear goddess, see reason and leave this choadwank, I’ll leave my wife, and we can be together the way it was meant to be.

7:35 am October, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I think the Kleenex will win the yearly. I hope DB1 does not take their picture down when the faux lawsuit is threatened. They don’t have the balls for a cross border lawsuit with a ten grand retainer to start.

8:36 am October, 6 Et Tu Douche? said...

Between the Kleenex & Stackhouse we have a potential epic battle for the yearly.

9:04 am October, 6 Snot Receptacle said...

That’s right bitches.
.
Sweet, sweet Nicola is on her knees for my porch beef..

9:23 am October, 6 Wedgie said...

Is it a problem when the guy wears more jewelry than his date?

9:39 am October, 6 CBS said...

they can’t sue. dont worry about that.

9:45 am October, 6 Alt Hotts said...

If we won the weekly, we were totally going to do a pseudo-lesbian photo shoot for you guys and upload it to YouTube with My Bloody Valentine as the background music. But you didn’t show us the love, so you miss out.

9:46 am October, 6 DarkSock said...

“La Cosa Nostril”…heh heh still chortling on that one…
.
I’m no Nostril-DumbAss but I see an epic yearly in the running; better start penning more BS, BeanLicker…

11:38 am October, 6 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

Goldie wuz robbed!
.
I don’t really mean that. I voted for him for my own selfish reasons, but I can’t deny the sheer scrotational momentum that Kleenex brought to the fight. He puts the “nada” in Canada.

11:48 am October, 6 DarkSock said...

Something tells me none of his Ex’s are Kleen.

11:53 am October, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

Dammit. I don’t always try to write something good for the weekly, as I need my eyes for daily life. But I hate when I do try and write something good and it doesn’t get published. Oh well. At least my guy won.
I’ll be in Toronto shortly with a chainsaw and shotgun. Wait, do they allow shotguns in Toronto? No? Damn. Chainsaw it is. I know they allow chainsaws in Canada. All those yummy trees…

3:13 pm October, 6 Wedgie said...

Nicola wants to do a lesbian scene with her cousin Simona, two pics up.
First off, I would pay good hard currency to watch, and secondly, it would be a huge upgrade from this pencil dick.

1:06 am October, 7 Steve L. said...

the Great White North finally got one in the weeklies.
next up: Montreal douchebags.

4:34 am October, 7 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Hand me that box of PUFFS while I dab my eyes from the tears of joy at KLEENEX and Nicola winning the weekly. His creepy eyes carry the show.

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