Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Jerziest Jerz: Arturo, Skinny Cathy, and a Filthy-Ass Door

This Weekly winning cohabit from DarkSock’s reign of (t)error in August encapsulates the Jerzey aesthetic and wins a coveted Douchie Award.

There’s was lots of Jerz Poo this year, from Vinnies and Vinnies to Burnt Umber Tanning Moms.

But Arturo summons the tacky, yet resilient (props to post-Sandy N.J.) spirit of Guidoland.

# posted by douchebag1
1:03 pm December, 11 Wheezer said...

And having a heavyweight hott such as Smoot’s Crystal along for the ride certainly doesn’t hurt one’s chances.

1:25 pm December, 11 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Kathy, aka victim #4, is now a skin-shirt hanging in Arturo’s equally filthy closet.

1:38 pm December, 11 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Being from the Guido, I mean, Garden State I wholeheartedly endorse this selection. Also, in the after math of Sandy, that door remains filthy.

1:39 pm December, 11 Charles Douchewin said...

It’s hard to pinpoint where Arturo or Kathy come from, but that door has Bayonne written all over it.

1:45 pm December, 11 Hermit said...

New Jersey gets a bad rap. As a long-time-ago resident of The Garden State I take umbrage, and by umbrage I mean your door would get dirty too if you were in and out wit’ greasy hands a hundred times replacing‘ ‘dat damn starter on ‘dat fuckin’ ninety-seven Camaro all fuckin’ day.

I think New Jersey is much maligned. I can only speak from vague memories from many years ago as I spent my formative years in Lake Hiawatha, New Jersey. I would like to take this time to share some of my early recollections of this noble and misunderstood region.

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New Jersey is built upon a swamp, teeming with disease and parasitic insects. I grew up on a dead-end street, which was bordered by deep, weed-choked ditches, their bottoms containing stagnant, foul-smelling water where mosquitoes and malaria flourished despite the industrial runoff. At night the sewer rats would emerge, wet and covered in grease to skin their teeth at the unwashed and frightened children.

My first memories were of that dead end street, lined with tiny houses, each one with a front stoop, where the wives of factory workers would gather to smoke cigarettes and gossip, telling lurid tales about the unfaithful whores who lived on the next block, and speaking in hushed tones of birth control and vaginal discomfort through nicotine-stained teeth. It’s where I first learned to ride my bicycle, careening up and down the street, gaining speed and confidence, while the Catholic children would hurl epitaphs and rocks at me as I raced by the front lawn flamingoes and plastic Virgin Mary statues.

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To combat the summertime mosquitoes, the city periodically sprayed DDT from tank trucks, the Negro driver would smile and wave to the children as we ran into the street to play and dance in the misty vapor. Later, while Sinatra serenaded us from the AM radio, our lips would turn blue and our gums would bleed. Mother would rub liniment on our chests against the racking cough and worry over the listless, distant look in little brother‘s eyes. Nikita Khrushchev always glared at us from behind the bushes and newspaper headlines, his face fierce and monochromatic. Uncle Vankey visited from across the ocean, his face gaunt and drawn from stark austerity, and the little girl next door died in her sleep from a mysterious illness.

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In the evening, the day-shift men would return from the factories in their Fords and Pontiacs, their blank faces empty as their lunch pails. They’d read the newspaper then get quietly drunk while watching the ball game as the purple sun, filtered through a haze of factory smoke, sank low in the western sky. The sewer rats stirred in the ditches and rubbed their whiskers, preparing for the night shift.

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After the children were put to bed, husbands would grunt and sweat as they dutifully mounted their reluctant, consecrated wives, engaging in the brief and passionless sex of fenced livestock, then promptly fall asleep, drooling beer-laden saliva on the white sheets. As Ed Sullivan’s muted voice droned on from living room television sets, the sleepless wives would clutch their rosary beads and weep silently.

Alone.

1:45 pm December, 11 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Not to derail a thread or anything, but this dame Boner’s me.

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http://vimeo.com/55262632

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Boner’s me, I says.

1:45 pm December, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Those links,…. yeah,… I remember those days. Those days when I could fuccen post a photo and shit

1:48 pm December, 11 Vin Douchal said...

That horrible green Guido induced pussy rash has spread to her shoulder via her spine.

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antibiotics

2:13 pm December, 11 Troy Tempest said...

yup. This one is the jerziest jerz yup.

3:39 pm December, 11 Charles Douchewin said...

Artful Hermit prose – immediately followed by DW’s vimeo link – is a pleasant juxtaposition.

.

Juxtaposition, I says.

3:57 pm December, 11 The Dude said...

Juxta Missionary Position

6:03 pm December, 11 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

I look at DW’s link and am somewhat forlorn that all’s I got is Juxta my own hand job for tonight.

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forlorn, I says.

5:26 am December, 12 douche equis said...

Good lord that _is_ Smoot’s Crystal. How DOES Wheezer do that? I (heart) Smoot.

.

And this guy is awesome. If there were a “Most Inflated” he might win it, in my mind at least, even over some of the ladies.

10:32 am December, 12 DarkSock said...

Hermit’s recollections of Jersey has me convinced Sandy was Nature’s rinse cycle.

2:09 am December, 13 Stephanie said...

Could be this door floated out on the ocean already. Which would be the first time it’s seen some water and got washed.

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