Thursday, August 20, 2015

Reader Mail: Australian Shane Warne is a Cricketdouche

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Despite the retirement of HCwDB from the public discourse, Aussie Pete demands that the mock continue by calling out some foreign sports playing tool with an extremely douchey haircut by the name of Shane Warne.

———–
DB1,
Would love to see you break into the world market, mocking the detritus that washes up on the shores of the world.

Warnie is an Aussie Douche, par excellance.

Redeeming features:- Best cricketer of the modern era, stole Elizabeth Hurley from the Four Weddings & a Funeral Dude, has rooted lots of chicks, et al.

Douchey features:- Look at him.

His crowning glory is the ultimate pool party painting.

– Aussie Pete
—————

I have no clue who this clown is. But since he stole the lavicious and lascivious Liz Hurley from that dude who starred in Lair of the White Worm, I will temporarily cast off my hermetic hiatus for a brief mock.

This pathetic pudtwiddle of twaddling pudwankery is the definition of douchebro.

I could spend a fortnight simply mocking his posture.

But that is not the purpose of this post.

The purpose of this post is to marvel at the genius that is Warne’s unbelievably ridiculously garish wall art. Not since Jeff Koons sculpted Michael Jackson and Bubbles or the rumored Alex Rodriguez centaurs have I been so simultaneously aghast and amazed. This piece of pop horror that apparently took seven years to concoct, may be the douchiest collection of oils in one place since Brian Austin Green switched to decaf.

# posted by douchebag1
7:19 pm August, 20 The Dude said...

His career achievements don’t earn him any nottadouche points. Why? Look at him. Besides, wtf is is cricket? Sounds like an STD.

10:21 pm August, 20 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Look at the tits on that chick!
She must be a classy and courageous broad, too, not to break out screaming like a banshee with an ambulatory vomitus standing next to her.
Everything about that guy yells out “wet fart convention.” What a pus volcano.
I suspect if I saw that chick nekkid my marbles would explode like a couple of M80’s. It would be ennobling to expire in such a manner.

3:51 am August, 21 DarkSock said...

May 3 Fraiku locked and loaded, ready for mock rat-‘chere:
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/05/82329/
.
and Charlie D won last week’s Friaku, and his Hottie Easter Egg comes from RevChad; check it out here:
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/05/fraiku-18/

6:59 pm August, 21 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Cricket is for barmy tossers who can’t play a real sport like football. You have to question the validity of any game that has wickets and has to use a bat the size of a mini van to hit it.

1:43 pm August, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

As I was finishing my thesis on the Hong Kong diaspora and its micro and macroeconomic impact on the real estate markets of Vancouver, Toronto, etc and all places full of gooks; I missed that this place is still a thing.
.
I went back a few posts to the Yacht Rock Mock. There is a class of sailor which is me. And the Yacht Rock is hippie. Paraphrased from the wildly famous HCWDB 2005:
.
Revernd Chad is
Fucking Drunk and fucking stooooooneeed!
I bought a sail boat.
.
Family outings and
business affairs. Finally
Getting recognition.
.
A step up to a
New crowd. Small town yacht club style
Hashtag. Winning. Son.
.
http://www.kijiji.ca/v-sailboat/ottawa/evans-16-sailboat-with-trailer-and-5-hp-mercury-outboard-1500/1083295220?enableSearchNavigationFlag=true
.
And to sail with
The sweet music of CSN
On Bose Mini shit.
.

1:49 pm August, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And how the fuck does that Gilbert Godfried-looking Adam Carolla get a TV show before the Great DB1. How, I asks you?
.
Keep on trucking DB 1. And by trucking, I mean living with Jewesses like the olde Rev Chad. And growing big fucking weed plants too.

1:26 am August, 25 Liam Gallagher's Monobrow said...

The chick is Emily Scott, and yes you can see her nude. thank me later.

2:47 pm August, 25 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Oooooh, Sweet Jesus. Thank you, Monobrow.

Speaking of hawt females – I am 99% certain I saw a pic of Champagne Katie. Explanation: I was in LV last week. In my hotel room was “Las Vegas” magazine, and I’m almost certain it was her on the front cover, standing in a pool.
She’s put on weight, fellas. Not the lissome and nubile beauticiousness of yesteryear.

6:32 pm August, 25 Charles Douchewin said...

@Jeet Kune Douche
.
Pics, or it didn’t happen?
.
Are we talking, like, Jeroboam bigger, or full-Melchizedek?
.
Because for men who like a challenge…

8:34 pm August, 25 Jeet Kune Douche said...

@Charles Douchewin – Can’t find the original issue (August 16 Las Vegas Magazine) but I may have found ANOTHER photo of mizz champagne K:
http://lasvegasmagazine.com/entertainment/2015/aug/14/linq-pool-offers-one-stop-shop-summer-fun-and-exci/#/0

Looks better in this pic than the one I saw, but look how puffy her face is. I say she’s drinking.

2:37 pm August, 26 FredN. said...

JKD–
I agree that this pic is likely CK.
I would love to see the ‘worse’ pic of her. For research and fantasy purposes, of course.

2:39 pm August, 26 FredN. said...

My Google Fu cannot be matched.
Confirmation it was her on cover that you saw JKD:
http://ink361.com/app/users/ig-40407863/officialjanira/photos/ig-1059575022234681743_40407863

2:46 pm August, 26 FredN. said...

I’ll just drop this video of CK here. If you like extreme amounts of mugging for the camera, and repeated shots of the back of her head while walking.

http://www.downfacebook.com/download-facebook-video-707469639270371.html

4:58 pm August, 26 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I am depressed that a cricket player can be a millionaire and that I can only ogle, not fondle, her Charlies. Charlies, I says.

1:16 am August, 27 Jeet Kune Douche said...

FredN – you are a GOD. THat is ZACHARY the cover I saw.

Vid was a most impressive find. She’s still a cutie, I stand corrected. And now we know HER REAL NAME.
Soundtrack on that vid made me want to sandpaper my nads and dip them in rubbing alcohol. Muzak like that is probably the primary torture instrument in Guantanamo. That noise would break ANY man’s will – provided they were straight.

I stand by my accusation – she’s got a drinking problem. Look at the squirrel-like puffiness of her cheeks (on the face.)

I would be honored if she walked by me and glanced at me as if I were invisible.

1:31 pm August, 31 jonezy said...

That last Fred N link begs the question though- is DB1 the source of her name “Champagne Katie” – has she adopted that moniker herself? The description above the video claims she is AKA, Champagne Katie from Hollywood. If so, uh, you’re welcome Katie!
.
As such, uh, any private pics for your old pals here at HCwDB?? We will make sure Jeet Kune doesn’t look at them though since he called you fat.
.
Good find hunters…

6:31 pm August, 31 FredN. said...

Oh we absolutely gave her the name. She has even added it to her own FB profile:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Janira-Gaxiola-Kremets-AKA-Champagne-Katie/283168528397316?fref=ts

When I first found her FB, modelmayhem site, etc., years ago when she first appeared on this humble site, she didn’t include any reference to the name. Over the years, she’s added the moniker to all of her social media. HCWDB for the win!

6:57 pm September, 3 douchebag1 said...

I made up the name. Like The Gator, C.K. takes all the press she can get to build her media empire. And by press, I mean depressing gigs bringing bottles of overpriced alcohol to nouveau-riche greasy Arabian oil money pudfondles in Reno at 2am on a Tuesday. Dream big, CK. Dream big.

9:06 pm September, 3 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Perusing through her social media accounts the content of which are 98% selfies captioned with a dozen or so hashtags (most of which are misspelled or typos) You can at least see that she has mastered the fine art of the head-tilt, model leg lift, peace sign pose. Apparently it was enough for Makita tools to take notice too.

https://www.facebook.com/MakitaToolsPage/photos/a.123877947640214.15973.123831224311553/723076321053704/

4:30 am September, 4 DarkSock said...

Back from me summer vacation. Fraiku will return if/when I sober up.

.
Chads.

4:33 am September, 4 The Dude said...

The end of summer
Brings hotts in fuzzy sweaters
Back to campus. Woot!

6:27 am September, 4 Jeet Kune Douche said...

And since we’re talking about some of the hawts that have graced these pages in the past: whatever happened to that surgically altered freaky miracle of a chick that was always in those pics with Pumpinhead? It wouldn’t surprise me if a combination of Time, too many botox treatments and her immune system eventually rejecting all those biomechanical enhancements has by now turned that once comically delectable gal into the “ugly version” of the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

1:34 pm September, 4 The Dude said...

Welcome back, DarkSock
Tell us about your vacay
Come across some hotts?
.

Do we miss Haiku?
Does a bear shit in the woods?
Asking for a friend.

6:20 pm September, 4 FredN. said...

Jeet:
Ask and ye shall receive.
http://i.imgur.com/37dX3xN.jpg
.
Peter is Craig Golias.
https://instagram.com/craiggolias/?hl=en
.
Chick is Gizel:
https://instagram.com/gizelgizel/?hl=en
.
They are now married.
And yes, she is transgendered.

6:23 pm September, 4 FredN. said...

Hmm, that last statement may be suspect. Seems as if Gizel is being confused with Gisele Alicea, who is in fact transgendered.
http://www.glamour.com/lipstick/blogs/girls-in-the-beauty-department/2015/06/transgender-model-gisele-alice

8:46 pm September, 4 Vin Douchal said...

Pete Pumpinhead looks like someone stuck the hose that inflates the Goodyear© Blimp up Justin Verlander’s ass and turned it up to ten
.
.
And by Verlander I mean , Kate Upton

11:54 pm September, 4 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Again FredN, you are a god.

Gizel is looking………past her prime, shall we say. Beyond the point of surgical enhancement.
In fact, she’s looking friggin’ weird:
https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1536&bih=764&q=gizel&oq=gizel&gs_l=img.3..0l2j0i10l2j0l2j0i10j0l2j0i10.516.1381.0.4240.5.5.0.0.0.0.116.411.2j2.4.0….0…1ac.1.64.img..1.4.410.AzX0Psmc9lA

I feel sorry for Pumpinhead. His wife is going to turn into an amorphous silicone blob, and the day he stops lifting, he’s gonna begin to transform into a 1,000 lb tub of amoeba-like lard. It’s inevitable for weightlifters – as they age, they go to fat. People will think he’s a low flying asteroid.

11:08 pm September, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^As a deflating
Weightlifter…I can concur
With Jeet Kune Douche.

11:09 pm September, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

BTW. Dark Sock
Died defending ya’ll from
ISIS today and shit.

11:10 pm September, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I didn’t know that the
Upton chick was a trannny.
I’d hit it though son.

11:20 pm September, 9 DarkSock said...

Still sobering up.
Where are my fucking britches?
Still sobering up.

3:16 am September, 10 DarkSock said...

May 04, 2005: a mega-stud shares his harem-stocking secret:
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/?p=82335

6:43 am September, 11 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Reverend Chad,
Try getting into pushups, pullups and swimming. You’ll keep the weight off without punishing your joints anymore with the weight pile.
And whatever you do, don’t start drinking like Champagne Katie evidently is. 😉

2:07 am September, 18 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Dear fucking god.

5:55 am September, 18 Jeet Kune Douche said...

1st two make me want to doinkle an electric socket. The third, however, is not ‘up to standard’, shall we say. In fact, it looks like slurpalicious Emily stopped off at a Baskin Robbins and completely cleaned the place out. A ‘few extra pounds’ does not look good on her. Not at all.

9:28 pm September, 19 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Picky picky. Well you can poo poo chunky Emily all you want and I’ll take those ‘few extra pounds’.
.
Then I’ll take a few more pounds…and a few more, and be damned any increased risk of hip dysplasia.

9:33 pm September, 19 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I know exactly where to put those “few extra pounds.”

9:36 pm September, 19 Jacques Doucheteau said...

And by ‘few extra pounds’ I speak of course of coital thrusts….in her vagina. Eh? EH?!

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