Best Golden Globes
Here’s one category where we all win. And by win, I mean jagoozgas.
Best Golden Globes Finalist #1: The Eiffel Towers
Tattines.
Num nums.
Hablueybloos.
Joy mounds.
Gazangas.
Hills.
Mountains.
Things I want to touch.
Things I really want to touch.
Things that bore me after coitus.
Zeppelins.
Chesticles.
Flesh pillows.
Best Golden Globes Finalist #2: The Anchor Chin’s Raquel
Jiffy Pops.
Mumbai air breads.
Squeeze boxes.
Jiggle Joys.
Air Hockeys.
Nub Nubs.
Playthings.
Destroyers of higher brain function.
Suckle cannons.
Gum Guns.
Hypnotic Kreskins.
Grub Toys.
Best Golden Globes Finalist #3: Charleez
Mammaries.
Mamtastic Chewtoys.
Two Stooges.
Airbags.
Baby feeders.
headlights.
Honkers.
Bewbs.
Huminas.
Skin Balloons.
Magambos.
Milk Jagerbombs.
Wahoos.
Best Golden Globes Finalist #4: The Bada Bing Boobs
Melons.
Mounds.
Squee.
Jello cups.
Albert Einsteins.
Frankfurt Cheesecakes.
The Primary Reason for the Downfall of all Major Empires.
Devolution Cupcakes.
Ta’s.
Bouncy mentions to Musical Cleavite, Sexy Sadie, The Temple Mount and Keith Barely Tries.
Vote now.
Douchiest Tatt: Rated P for Poo
We’ve seen a lot of scrotal tatts this year. There was the immortal Chug Life. There was HCwDB of the Year finalists Mack the Nozzle and the Wretch-a-Sketch. And there were The Primitive Marsupials.
But none so perfectly encapsulated what a douche-tatt is than the legend that is P for Poo. Who first Vegased it up in July.
The fact he’s posing with 2008 HCwDB of the Year hott side of coupling, Carly, only further legendizes his ballsackery.
Here’s your award, P Rater.
Let the record show that you are no more “gangsta” than my grandmother, post-Mahjong.
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Rebecca The Loop Girl
From way back in the beginning of the year, just days after the 2008 Douchie Awards were over in late December, The Loop de Poop made her way into our hearts.
And by hearts I mean wallets.
As she endures licks from skanky musicbags like this tool right here, it became clear that to win a date with the Loop de Poop, we would need to order double appetizers and dessert.
And a Ferrari.
Later, we tracked her down with Ambiguous Steve Vai Music Guy, further confirming the need for massive bankroll.
As a result, we give The Loop Girl our 2009 Douchie for “Most Expensive First Date Hott,” beating out Klaus’s Euro Farrah Fawcett, Minnie Von Shtup, and yes, even Francine, who I still think might go for the burger n’ fries special that the DB1 offers all his special ladies. By the third date. If I’ve done well at the Track.
Douchiest Hair: Hairy Belafonte
Our first award of the 2009 Douchies for “Douchies Hair” goes to…
The scrotevelope please…
Hairy Belafonte!
Beating out such follicular luminaries as Hair Templeton and Rusty The Frill Necked Lizard, Hary Belafonte made a ridic kissy impression in July that summons the worst in Vegas spectacle.
With so many nominees of douchey hair this year, this was a tough category, but this sweeping hair spew plus kissy lips onto a studious English major hottie deserves the (dis)honor.
C’mon up and accept your award, Hairy B!
HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 1
And so the 2009 Douchies begin. Bring it. Your A-Game. For the Yearly is here.
Here’s your HCwDB of the Year finalists for Bracket #1 (of 3):
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #1 (Bracket 1): The Ghoulbag and Tri-Hotts
The Ghoulbag was our first Monthly winner of 2009, back in February.
Often forgotten in the cylone of pudwhack that came down the track in his wake, the Ghoulbag reminds us of rocker douche and all that it suckily entails.
And what of the tri-hotts?
Quality fondle.
Impressive shoulder suckle.
Collegiate giggle pillow fights and talcum powder.
But really it’s the Ghoulbag who carries this pic to yearly status. Who the hell makes dual “rocker” hand gestures while wearing grillz, bling, and hat tilt?
A Yearly finalist. That’s who.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #2 (Bracket 1): Crosshair McJohnson and Leia
A raging guyliner wearing squat turd. Uber-pumped up muscles. And a sweet Latina hott.
Princess Leia Latina Orgaana and the Wookie with the Crosshair were major contenders from the start.
With their run of ancillary pics, here, here and here, they left no doubt.
Crosshair brings the frosted tips of true loaf to the game. Leia brings bitable stomach muscles and pouty lips of Latina fiery hottness.
But what cinches it is the doggie baggin’ pose.
Uber-taint.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #3 (Bracket 1): Anchor Chin and Raquel
From the moment Anchor Chin and Raquel first appeared back in May, it became apparent that this combination of sleazebucket and curvy princess had what it takes in HCwDB toxicity to go all the way.
Here they are in the yearly, with only one pic to rely on. That’s hottie/douchey dialectic.
But also with two very obvious assets at work.
Can Raquel’s anchors carry the greased up facial turditude of Anchor C. to an upset win?
The hottie/douchey poobaggery is strong with this one.
Boobs and chin pubes. They could very well make it.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #4 (Bracket 1): Bucky and Kathy Hott
Bucky got mad game, and he got crazy skillz. And he got Kathy Hott. And he’s gettin’ his party on. And celebratin’.
And now he’s in the Yearly.
From the moment his nuclear fission generating four-dimensional hat tilt ripped a hole in the space/time continuum, Bucky was poised for big things.
With tanned Kathy Hott, she of the glorious smile and tremendous tatines, the HC side was more than spectacularly filled, if slightly douchebaguette, as well.
Kathy Hott had her own party run here and here
But what sends Bucky over the top is the welding gloves.
Yup.
Bucky is Running with the Goose with welding gloves on.
So them’s your four, the first of our three semifinalist brackets to anoint our three finalists. Do not melt down from the pressure.
Be calm. Think hot chick. Think douche. Think which of these four couples is the most toxic and therefore the most worthy. And then vote.
Vote like you’ve never voted before.
B4-4 Gets Ready for the 2009 Douchies
Because watching crypto-gay greased up Canadian douchewanks teach a young black kid about the benefits of ignoring homeless men in favor of partying on a beach, while singing to him about the importance of reciprocal oral sex, just never gets old.
The 2009 Douchies Start On Monday
December 7th, 2009.
A date that will live in poofamy.
Yeah I’m pimping this worse than a cow with rickets trying to dunk a basketball.
No idea what that means.
Ask DB1: Use of the term "Hater"
—-
Hey db1, quick question for ya,
It is basically an unspoken rule that anyone who says or calls anyone else a “hater” is a huge douchebag, right? Like, even if they don’t look douchey, that one spoken term condemns them to autoscrote?
Aside from being the go-to insult from the mouths of choads everywhere when they feel slighted, it just sounds retarded. It’s vaguely reminiscent of school children on the playground saying, “Liar liar, pants on fire!” or calling one another a “tattle-tailer.”
What say you?
-Douche of Arabia
—-
Yes, D of A, and an excellent point. There are three descending levels of auto-douche conferred upon using the word hater.
Level 1 — Simply using the word in any way, shape or form to refer in an abstract sense to those who might disagree or criticize something.
Level 2 — Using the word ironically, in a self-aware hipster variation.
Level 3 — Using the word in an email or text, but spelling it “hatter.”
Ask DB1: Use of the term “Hater”
—-
Hey db1, quick question for ya,
It is basically an unspoken rule that anyone who says or calls anyone else a “hater” is a huge douchebag, right? Like, even if they don’t look douchey, that one spoken term condemns them to autoscrote?
Aside from being the go-to insult from the mouths of choads everywhere when they feel slighted, it just sounds retarded. It’s vaguely reminiscent of school children on the playground saying, “Liar liar, pants on fire!” or calling one another a “tattle-tailer.”
What say you?
-Douche of Arabia
—-
Yes, D of A, and an excellent point. There are three descending levels of auto-douche conferred upon using the word hater.
Level 1 — Simply using the word in any way, shape or form to refer in an abstract sense to those who might disagree or criticize something.
Level 2 — Using the word ironically, in a self-aware hipster variation.
Level 3 — Using the word in an email or text, but spelling it “hatter.”
Friday Thoughts and Links
Where’s Santa Claus? On the hottie/douchey horizon.
But not before the 2009 Douchie Awards have been fully celebrated.
Here’s your Friday Links:
You know what would make a great stocking stuffer and holiday gift this season? The HCwDB book, of course.
Buy it. Yeah you. Mister or Missus “I’ll Get Around To It” who’s been reading the site for free for years. Pony up, scroteface.
Cat Hardy goes trolling for pussy.
The Wall Street Journal tries to stay hip with the kids by describing the man cleavage phenomenon. If the WSJ really wants to track douchebags, they can start with their editorial department. Using fifty cent words to deny science still means you’re an idiot.
It seems like a ton of sites on the interwebs are jumping on the Funny Oompa Loompa Orange Guy photos bandwagon. Just remember where it all started.
PeeWee’s Playhouse just got weird once they adapted it for B.E.T.
Cleveland Indians center fielder Grady Sizemore puts in a late play for Douchiest Athlete of the Year. (warning, baseball bat nearly visible)
Anyone who thinks the war on scrotebaggery is over, think again.
And if that Ed Hardy link depressed you, here’s your cheer up:
Froth Pear, and More Froth Pear.
And Ass Pear: The Movie.
(look for the brilliant use of Eisensteinian Soviet-Montage at 1:20)
Mmm… chompy.
