Reader Mail: The Kids Hate Ed Hardy
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O.K DB1,
Either you have an illegitimate son here in Philadelphia, or your influence is spreading down through grade school.
Here’s a conversation I just heard between two 7 year old boys who were walking home from school as I was heading back to work:
Kid #1: Do you know who I hate? Ed Hardy!
Kid #2: I don’t know who that is.
Kid #1: Ed Hardy is a draw-er. He draws on clothes and the clothes cost $500 apiece. And you know what? The drawings are stupid. The people who buy them are REALLY stupid.
Kid #2: I hate Ed Hardy too!
There you have it. I swear on a stack of the ubiquitous red cups that’s how it went down. Isn’t your faith in human nature redeemed? Near, far, whereever douche are, I know that the mock will go on!
Love always,
Fermay La Douche
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This is good news from the children’s front, thanks for the update F.La.D. However Ed Hardy will simply mutate (as it did from Von Dutch) in a few years, so we must remain ever vigilant and continue to mock it’s douchey ass wherever we find it.
Don't Call Them Guidos
Ah, dude, the preferred nomenclature is “Jerz Guid Scrotepud.”
Don’t Call Them Guidos
Ah, dude, the preferred nomenclature is “Jerz Guid Scrotepud.”
Friday Haiku
Crowhawk eyebrow wax,
Velvet Rick James Superfreaks,
Asian Doll’s soul weeps.
Dong the Magic Pawn
Has ship anchor around neck
Keel haul douche pirates
— Crucial Head
Anyone for hoops?
Drop a trey through my ear hoop
for buzzer beater.
-noobbag
Dork flashes west-side,
Patrick Ewing grimaces.
Run away, Tia!
— Bag A
Golden clad tape worm
Hangs around, seeking some crumbs
Before heading home.
— Teddy Tendergrass
Hey Bro’ Cash For Gold
Would fund many Hennesey
And the cabfare home
— Vin Douchal
Pietro says "Challo!"
Pietro doesn’t have many overt greasy eurobag signifiers. But you can smell the poopie diaper through your monitor anyway.
Vixen Maria is fooled by his charming accent and vague scent of Tuscan butter cremes.
Which is really poopie diaper.
Yup.
Today I like typing “poopie diaper.”
Tomorrow, I may like typing something else.
Pietro says “Challo!”
Pietro doesn’t have many overt greasy eurobag signifiers. But you can smell the poopie diaper through your monitor anyway.
Vixen Maria is fooled by his charming accent and vague scent of Tuscan butter cremes.
Which is really poopie diaper.
Yup.
Today I like typing “poopie diaper.”
Tomorrow, I may like typing something else.
Reader Mail: Hotts Don't let Hotts Date Douches
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Hi Douchebag 1!
I have an acquaintance of an acquaintance who has added me on facebook.
She seems like a very nice girl. I think she’s either german or polish and suuuper hot. Unfortunately for her, she seems to love douchebags.
I am a heterosexual female, and I feel like your site may be able to cure her of her poor choice in companions. I don’t know her well enough to say anything to her myself, and hopefully a post from your site will get back to her and she will see the error of her ways.
All I’m saying is: acquaintances don’t let acquaintances swim in the douche pool.
Sincerely,
HC W/O a DB in LA
P.S.- I think a lot of her DB’s are euros… is there a clause regarding euro douchebags? I mean, I kind of feel like we made them do this shit. Wait… nevermind Christian Audigier is a euro and it’s all his fault.
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You are correct both to note her propensity for Euroscrote, and also the need for collective mock on the internet as the best form of shock therapy to cure her of these poor life choices, HCWOaDBinLA.
Globally speaking, there are three countries responsible for the scrotal plague. America (global douche product hegemony), France (Audigier) and Italy (source Guidosity). Together, these three countries form the Axe-is Powers.
Reader Mail: Hotts Don’t let Hotts Date Douches
—-
Hi Douchebag 1!
I have an acquaintance of an acquaintance who has added me on facebook.
She seems like a very nice girl. I think she’s either german or polish and suuuper hot. Unfortunately for her, she seems to love douchebags.
I am a heterosexual female, and I feel like your site may be able to cure her of her poor choice in companions. I don’t know her well enough to say anything to her myself, and hopefully a post from your site will get back to her and she will see the error of her ways.
All I’m saying is: acquaintances don’t let acquaintances swim in the douche pool.
Sincerely,
HC W/O a DB in LA
P.S.- I think a lot of her DB’s are euros… is there a clause regarding euro douchebags? I mean, I kind of feel like we made them do this shit. Wait… nevermind Christian Audigier is a euro and it’s all his fault.
—-
You are correct both to note her propensity for Euroscrote, and also the need for collective mock on the internet as the best form of shock therapy to cure her of these poor life choices, HCWOaDBinLA.
Globally speaking, there are three countries responsible for the scrotal plague. America (global douche product hegemony), France (Audigier) and Italy (source Guidosity). Together, these three countries form the Axe-is Powers.
Ask DB1: Is The Grieco Virus Associative?
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DB1,
Can one become a douchebag by association?
For example, Bagpoleon has other males that, for some unknown reason, want to be associated with him or be in his presence. Does that automatically make them douches as well? We know second-hand smoke can kill too but does the same hold for the Grieco virus?
Just wondering.
— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
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The Grieco virus travels socially as well as through coital embrace, leaping from a primary ‘bag virus carrier to his “bros” almost as easily as to the belly poochettes.
Take Timmy here, pictured on the right. Happy go lucky. He just wants to look at Cindy’s luscious flesh pillow boobie phantasmagores. Yet note the “Abercrombie and Fitch,” chin sprout, and leather S&M watch. Timmy is already plagued by exposure to Dell’s chin pube virus. He is quickly becoming ‘bag. And, as such, must not be spared the mock.
Yesterday's "Westside Douchey" Hopes I Never Run Into Him in Person
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TAKE MY PHOTO OFF YOUR SITE!!!
I don’t know who you are or where you got my pic but if you do not take my picture and all commentary about me off your site I will take legal action against you. And hope you never run into me in person.
Sincerely,
Westside Douchey
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Well, as long as you’re sincere about it.
