Frankie Goes to Parsippany
Relax. Don’t do it.
No, seriously. Don’t.
No one needs to see the fabled “teeth abs reveal.” Not even the Won Sisters.
Now clip off the pigeon turds clinging to the tips of your hair and go order the ladies two Cosmos, before the bouncer gives you a wedgie.
Hair Templeton Voted in the Weekly
Hair Templeton, and his mixed ‘bag Bleethy girlfriend, just cast their votes in the HCwDB of the Week.
Have you voted yet?
HCwDB of the Week
Last night, after fourteen Trader Joes Hansen’s Sodas, I discovered something profound. I could pee on one leg while humming the theme to Rawhide. It was quite impressive.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Crabs McGee
A toxic pic of scrotal revelation, Crabs McGee and Princess Minnie Von Shtup are visual overload.
Lets run down the list of powerhouse douchosity:
The white glove. The silly hat. The bizarre backpack straps. The greasy groin shave. The Jean Claude Van Damme Doucheface.
And yes, way too much reveal of groinsackery.
Minnie is ethereal otherworldly hotness. The kind that doesn’t exist in nature. Or in college. It only exists at the W Hotel, where you have to buy her at least four drinks while she acts bored and texts her friends. Not that I’m bitter. Looking at you, Allison.
Together, this may be a posed “model” pic, but it is uberHCwDB, and well earns its place in the Weekly.
However there is the question we must ask. Do we really want to see that groinal shave ever again? Maybe not. This may cost Crabs votes.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Blackberry Bob and Abby Licious
A crowd favorite for the double douche move of Blackberry armstrap and pleather watchstrap on Bob, Pamela divided opinion.
Some found her lithe body and taut abs to be celebratory female achievement.
Others found her too skinny and meatless for true objectification.
I tend towards the latter. Pamela is definitely hot, but I like a bit more suckle thigh on my suckle thigh.
That being said, Bob is uberdouche, even on a roof in Calcutta.
HCwDB of the Week: Party Fluffkin
From Friday’s Thoughts and Links, this crotch fondling smug Fratclown has all the markings for Weekly Mock.
But it’s not just writing the boring and dull “I Like to Party” on his shirt.
It’s the first douche-face + crotch-grab move we’ve seen in months. Factor in studded belt, and Party F is all sorts of lameassitudinal.
Audrina also has surprisingly suckleable suckle torso on display, and while she is stage-3 Douchebaguette, there is much to offer by way of her genetic merit.
(Dis)honorable mention to The Redneckbags, who didn’t quite bring enough Southern Douche to make the finals, The Long Island Douche Ferns and the ab revealing Friday Haiku, who just missed the cut.
Them’s your three.
Help a brotha out and vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday Afternoon Scratchings
Your humble narrator is lying around on his rug, enjoying the tasty sugary goodness of a Hostess Cupcake. It is chocolatey.
Los Angeles is steamy. Sweaty. Bright sunlight that hurts the eyes. It smells like hair spray and desperation amongst the palm trees and cactii.
As I muse on this steaming butt taint who’s dived into this mixed-bag pile of Midwestern ladiesfriends, I can’t help but reach an epiphany.
The world needs more Ukulele wall art.
Kidd Panic and Erika Bunny Build a Bar in Utica, NY
I ran a link to this awhile back, but a reader sent it in again and it’s worth another look. Hottie/Douchey Grieco Virus contamination in upstate New York, all in one strange, surreal bar building clip.
And yes. Erika is Douchebaguette. But, on the other hand, boobies.
Your Saturday Pup Tent
Because nothing impresses your hott quite like camping out at a highway rest stop.
Friday Thoughts and Links
And by “party,” he means grab his nads.
There’s probably way too many links for this week, so I’ll forgo my usual ramblings and get straight to the goodstuffs:
Follow your humble narrator on Twitter.
The only sex video you will ever need to see. Big Jim Slade satisfies all. And the capitol of Nebraska is Lincoln.
The reason YouTube was invented. And no, I have no idea who made this, or why.
A reader snapped a pic of my future ex-wife’s car. Figures she’d take me for a Benz.
Young suburbanite Tom O’Connor discovers autotune, becomes a douchebag. As per a comment, this is what it sounds like when doves cry.
A number of other readers are naming their fantasy football teams after HCwDB characters, but This was my favorite. But where’s Matt Stafford and Jeff Reed?
Okay, I’ll admit it. Last night, drunk on Night Train, I found myself attracted to Flo, the Kooky Progressive Insurance Girl. Mock me if you must.
The great charactor actor Henry Gibson passed away this week. Gibson had a role in the coolest movie of all time, and more recently was hilarious in Wedding Crashers. RIP Blues Brother Nazi. “Write the check, Roger!”
Patrixxx wins Douchiest Myspace of the Week. Maybe the Month. Yikes. “Celebrate your success and stand strong when adversity hits, for when the storm clouds come in, the eagles soar while the small birds take cover…”
The University of Virginia, dipped in irony like a chocolate laser beam, tries to defend its douchery. Any state with a Man-assas Junction has problems.
But before we get to our Ass Pear, how’s a little Asspearlepsy to fire up the synapses?
What? Too annoying?
Okay, here ya go: Bite Me Ass Pear.
Ask DB1: Resistance to Mocking?
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Hey DB1,
I’m a long-time fan, first time e-mailer. There is something that has been bothering me….
Yesterday I was studying pesticide use on farms, and the textbook explained that pests, over time, will become immune to the particular chemical..The farmers would then have to resort to different forms of chemical to kill the pests.
This got me thinking about douchebags. Does mocking them make them immune to further mocking (i.e. Donkey Douche, Arthur Kade)? If you take a look at culture right now, people continue to be walking billboards, and Ed Hardy still stays strong. Do we have to resort to other forms of douche protesting, like physical beatings?
Jason
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While I grant you that the last year of Hardy-esque resurgence in douchal apparel has made me wonder if the tide is still turning, there have been a number of victories in our war due to our power of mock.
Ridiculous bling has become more muted. Popped collar is going extinct. Gang gestures and sneery lips are also less prevalent.
This doesn’t mean this war won’t continue and get worse. There are billions of dollars to be made by saturating our mediascape with an entanglement between erotics and market product. Brands like Axe Bodyspray and L.A. Looks, and many of the cheesy energy drink companies, are incorporating self-mock and pseudo-irony to stay in the game.
There’s a long way to go. But we’re making in-roads.
