Urban Cowbag
We haven’t busted a truly Southern cowbag in awhile.
That preening dressup rodeo clown, who corrals tasty, quality suckle thigh like Suzie, and then shows off his dickie. Note also the designer dog-tags, key to the classic Cowboy look.
The second pic in this sequence doesn’t tell us much more about the Cowbag, but it does tell me that I’d nuzzle up in Suzie’s armpit like a feral hamster, and then cry softly to sleep. Yes, she’s got the crazy eyes. But I would forgive. Because, boobies.
Lumpy and Stephanie
First we have Stephanie. A cool breeze of hottness on a warm, boobie-summer day.
Then we have Lumpy. The Eighth Dwarf. Like Sleazy, Dopey and Asswipe before him, Lumpy left the land of fairy tales to get Jesus tatts and skull necklaces.
How did Stephanie and Lumpy come together in a cohabitation of taint, somewhere in an abandoned YMCA rec room? There’s a story that involves the elfstones of Shannara, helium based Wehrmacht Luftwaffe and a gallon of chickenfat.
But were I to tell it, I’d have to give up drinking and focus. And that ain’t happenin’.
Marty Oldbag
Ah yes, the Oldbag. In this case, Marty Oldbag. With zebra prints, triple bling earrings and flashy Dalek cap.
Marty Oldbag reminds us that there comes a point when a douchey saggy sack is still in the game, after so many years, that you gotta give respek.
Good on you, Marty O.
Your granddaughters love the pearls.
EDIT: Reader Douche Wayne asks, is this HCwDB legendary oldbag Yellowtail in the (saggy) flesh?
London Scalding
Katie writes in from the land of Shakespeare, Dickens and Vicious:
—–
Hellooo,
Please find attached a picture of what I believe is a douchebag. I leave it to you for specific classification. It seems that even in Britain, where there is little sunshine, and nowhere that stocks URCs, they have still managed to spawn.
Lots of love,
Katie x
—-
Indeed, Katie, you have tagged a classic ‘bagling in presence of budding hotlets.
He is a wanker, a tosser, a git and bleedin’ annoying. Somewhere on the River Themes, a loo is missing its turd.
E-BLO is Thrilled. On the Inside.
HCwDB of the Week finalist E-Blo is confident that he’s going to take the Weekly with ease. Voting ends tomorrow morning (see below).
So much so that he’s celebrating with a milfy Long Island girl, not perfect, but still bringing the quirky sexy.
You can tell E-Blo’s excited by his identical douche-face zombie stare. It’s 1mm more animated.
Breaking: Susan Partridge Dating a Danny Bonadouchey
Courtesy of WWTDD, we have breaking news that noted classic 1970s TV character Susan Partridge went to Vegas this weekend to hook up with a Danny Bonnadouchey.
In a related story, Mr. Brady never liked the Beaver.
EDIT: I admit this post is rather confusing, but the joke was since she’s “Audrina Patridge” I’d do a Partridge family runner. That led me into a Bonnadouchey joke, which then led me to slip in a gag about Mr. Brady’s noted non-heterosexuality via “The Beaver.” Yup, the humor’s collapsing under the weight of too many tangential pop culture riffs. Time to start drinkin’.
Pubic Enemy
1985. The number. Another summer.
Sound of a funky bummer.
The Kitchenbag
There are a number of key factors for the Kitchenbag to remember when posing with a barely legal in the kitchen at Dan’s ragin’ kegger.
1. Show no facial expression
2. Make only the most minimal attempt to hold the hott
3. Make sure the pattern on your overpriced douche-shirt perfectly blends into your arm tatts
4. Think about baseball
The Moozer Voted
What’s that?
HCwDB of the Week Finalist The Moozer’s coming in with a second pic to try to shake up the voting?
Pamela’s not looking as cute/innocent as she was in the previous pic. But the Moozer is as identically douche-faced and hand gestured as in the previous pic.
Could this push the Moozer to an upset victory? Or cost The Moozer his shot at chin dribbling his way to a Weekly?
HCwDB of the Week
Last week was one of the best runs of consistently varied Hottie/Douchey pics of stankitude wrongness and boobie suckle thigh. It was nearly impossible to cull down to a final three.
But culled I musted. So here’s your thems threes:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: E-BLO aka Electric Blight Orchestra
For a three pic run of HCwDB excellence, E-BLO comes into the Weekly as the heavy favorite.
Crusty Gel Head.
Aqua blue D-Neck.
Unearned Dog Tags.
A tasty if confused Britney looking like she’s suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.
From his ability to pull quality collegiate pillow hott sqeetness, as with Britney, E-BLO is all that is hair greased in Scottsdale.
In pic 2, he sports a ridiculous aqua name-brand muscle something, but with a trashy douchebaguette. But lest you feared the hotts were playing down to the competition, pic 3 proves that while E-BLO gets douchier, the hotts can be just as counterpointedly innocent.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Sleeve Burglar 
Props to Douche B4 Dishonor for naming this pic, which ran on Saturday as “Your Saturday ‘This Coupling Is So Wrong I Just Punched A Fluffy Kitten in The Nutsack’ Pic”.
Many Fluffy Kittens found their genitals punched that day, I assure you.
For those who do not appreciate Tiny Calista’s Hottness, for shame people. She is the college girl who smells like roses and petunias. Her giggles sound like squealing hamsters.
Sleeve Burglar’s Fluffy Kittens deserve punching for bling, bored ‘tude and the most ridiculous shirt to make the site in months.
And then there’s his Best Bro, Kal. Picking his nose. All in a Motel6.
A worthy finalist, indeed.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Moozer
The Moozer knows he’s a longshot, and Katie has the youthful vigor of a potential underage hotlet.
But The Moozer is still in it to win it.
And by win it, he means pencil chin-pube dribble.
This is the classic sneery douche-face that renders a pic stronger than the sum of its adouchrements.
And hotlet or not, Katie is sweet and wholesome and deserves innocent protection as well as me drooling on that faint tanline on her boobage.
Finally: The Moozer’s bling. You might not have noticed it at first. Look at it. It is rankling rankage rank.
(Dis)honorable mention to so many pics that just missed the cut, including Jar Jar Pinks, D–ch-b-g, the tall-short oddities of Stars McDana, the creepizoid nature of Giger Abs and Mammy Miami, who was sent directly to the newly opened “Closet of Poo” below the Hall of Scrote.
Them’s your three. Which is a combo of taint/hott enough to win the Weekly? That’s up to you.
Get off yer ass and vote, as always, in the comments thread.
