Ask DB1: Douche Shirts
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greetings douchebag1
I was wondering if you would give me the great honor of asking for feedback of your community on a douche-related dilemma i have been struggling with.
My trade is as an artist and a graphic designer, and I love artsy tshirt designs. I have been wanting to start a line of catchy and beautiful tshirts. However, it gives me great pain to realize that most of the scrotes pictured on your site see to love all that artsy shit.
My fear is that I will design a shirt that ends up worn by someone on your site. Will it be acceptable to clothe said douches as long as I take a lot of their money? Is it possible I can design a great looking shirt that attracts quality, non-douche types? Please help!
a big fan,
– peter
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Excellent question, Pete. The larger question is whether you are willing to participate in the Doucho-Industrial Complex in service of coin. However, I’m inclined to encourage you to be as creative as you can be in your designs, and not to worry about scrotal reinscription of your work. Provided you do not do the following:
1. Add fake or cryptic foreign languages to the design
2. Write the words “Ed” or “Hardy” in an annoying yellow cursive
3. Add your own name or your brand name at any point as a major element of the design
4. Toss splotchy dots of paint on the shirt
5. Add “pre-ripped” rips and tears
That about covers it. Good luck, sir.
The Goggles They Do Nothing
Aww, isn’t that sweet? Matching sunglasses.
As if to tell the world, “Yes, we have merged hott and douche into a scrotal singularity.”
As to Kevin’s levitating hat trick, the formula goes like so:
1. Six ounces L.A. Looks Hair Gel
2. Detailed sleeve tatts
3. Spiked hair
4. Casually placed forearm sweatband, high enough to say “it’s casual,” but not too high to look like a triage bandage
5. Plutonium Goggles, they do nothing
Mix together on an A/Xhole in presence of Douchebaguette. Levitate Hat to 40 degrees along the Z-Axis, and 27 degrees Y. Longitude and Latitude should proceed to New Jersey by the light of the moon and sail on until dawn.
Ned Retorts
Yours may be orange, Hawk, but I got a sexy brunette, and my platonic friend Ramon to confirm that my hawk is way more phat!! So step off!!
Yup. I’m creating fictional conversations between giant fauxhawked douchewanks.
Time for a swig of Night Train. In a ubiquitous red cup. Then all will be well.
Hawk Responds
“Oh yeah, Ned? Mine’s reddish orange!! And two feet tall!! And my blond hott is cuter than your brunette!!”
Ned Grimley
Ned, one of the Flame Twins from last night’s pic, says, “that dude Hawk’s got nothin’ on my sexy faux!”
Wednesday Limerick
In Europe they made “people fondue,”
Where Swedish girls could commingle with poo,
The Germans wore bling,
But not that dude from Beijing,
And the French girl said, “merci boucoup.”
Tighty Armani Gettin' Ready
Tighty Armani, our HCwDB of the Month winner back in April, has ditched the blonde distractions and, like Jake LaMotta, is holding off from all sexual activity while he trains.
And by trains, I mean drinking heavily. T.A. is in full-on preparation for the 2008 Douchies in December, where he’ll take on Acey Douchey.
The Russian Exchange Student Brunette isn’t impressed.
HCwDB of the Month: Acey Douchey
Once again, an epic discussion thread and vote from all our ‘bag hunters. For those who don’t like pop-ups, it can be read here.
Staged or not, faked or no, A.D. and the Cabana Hotts were a combination too hottie/douchey to be denied.
But before I turn it over to the voters, let me just add that while there may be some DJ irony at work in this pic, no one, and I mean no one, goes to this much trouble without cultivating the very uberdouche they’re playing with.
tag’em and bag’em: Acey- I heard someone say this earlier …but iam going to repeat it…. The dude has one glove on!!!
ms. east: I vote is for Acey Douchey. He makes my skin crawl. Even a month later. F@#king douche.
de-ouche ex machina: I went back and forth between Old Chap and X-Lax until upon deeper investigation of Acey Douchey I noticed that he is trying to impress me with $32. Take that gun that you clearly don’t know how to handle and shoot thyself Acey because you just got my vote for Douchebag of the Month.
chuck jones: Acey is a living halloween costume.
buffy the scrotebag slayer: Oh hell. I forgot about Acey Douchey. My poor brain must have eradicated his image from my memory in order to prevent any permanent damage. Alas, he has returned to me, with his one glove in tow as well. I don’t see how he couldn’t win the monthly. As the saying goes, “There is an ounce of truth in every joke.” Even if this photo was staged, he is still an epic douche.
marita: Inventory: gun, wad o’cash, giant stupid watch, vodka, one girl with 7 STDs, one girl who needs to go back to her Business Management class, headphones, one biker glove?, a…. playing card… in his mandana…? I think this choadskin is making new waves in douchebagdom. Actually, I don’t think he’s real. It’s the only way I can sleep at night. But he has my vote.
crocodile douchedee: Acey Douchey needs his kissy lips ripped off with a cheese grater…He’s on a different level and deserves the monthly.
homoerectus: acey douchey. God, I hate the kissy lips. Plus the gun, the glove, the per diem and his hotts are really hot. By hot, I mean slutty.
The debate will rage on into the 2008 Douchies as Acey Douchey and the Cabana Hotts vie for the ultimate hottie/douchey prize.
But, stepping in for Fung, who jumped straight to our hallowed Hall of Scrote, The Old Chap and Tweety Librarian Hott found fans. shamspear the magnificent explains:
I’m going to have to vote for Old Chap. Everyone’s been saying that he isn’t douche enough, but he has chest stubble for Christs’ sake. They say he’s just trying to be ironic, but people who are doing that usually show some kind of embarrassment or awkwardness. He’s not smiling nor does he look ashamed of himself. He looks like a Doucheasaurus.
Indeed he does, StM. marmadouche agrees:
Old Chap. Like I growled on another posting, he is an insult to whippets and Italian greyhounds everywhere with that skinny-ass body and cabana blue and white stripe Speedo. At least he’s not smiling. His hottie librarian mistress is though, but nobody is sure why. I’d like to chew on her glasses and hump her thighs.
Yes. I too would like to “chew on her glasses and hump her thighs.” Well put, marm. And don makes the case for The Short Boat, which also found solid support:
On the other hand, The Short Boat he cannot contain his douchiness because it is a singularity with his inner being…it emanates from his Qi…he is a genuine douchebag. In two, five, ten years…alas, in twenty when he is coaching his little sperm puke’s soccer team he will still be standing on the sidelines as douchey as ever. We do not select the winners, they select us: The Short Boat. P.S. By the way, did you notice those eight melons in the boat? Egads!
Yes. Yes I did notice those eight mellons on the boat. And Kenny agrees: shortboat FTW, cause how can he ignore the beautiful fawn of the brunette in the back. I would sing her love songs in indonesian dialects just for a chance to catch her attention a few moments.
Well sung, Kenny.
Poor X-Lax. So little support in the monthly for the orange every-choad. kiernotkier explains why Acey Douchey gets the prize:
I have to go with Acey Douchey. He has so many of the trademark DNA strands of douche: chin pubes, kissy lips, the double headlock of hots, shirtlessness, Bono-esque sunglasses, oversized bling, mandanna and the bottle of vodka/point at the camera combo.
Plus he has some new additions that I am sure will catch on in the douche book clubs and mensa meetings this season: card sticking out of mandanna, one biker glove and a handgun.
He is like this year’s model douchebag that all the Bleeths want to receive under their Christmas tree. It’s the same old douche as last year but with new packaging and a few additional accessories that trick the Bleeth into thinking it’s new and improved while it is still just orange and pooey.
Great work from everyone who took time out to vote. But only one coupling could triumph, and that coupling is Acey. We’ll see his gun totin’ pseudo-staged ass in the Yearly.
The Flame Twins
Like torches of douchal fire, they flicker across our collective unconscious like stampeding wildebeests of the Serengeti. Like spitballs shot out of a straw by our collective inner child, bored during recess.
Nearby brunettes are pulled into their odor, flashing nausea and middle fingers as they go down.
Woe, there is no hope.
There is no hope.
Pink Popp
CeeGee writes in to remind us that the Pink Poppers are still out there:
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DB1-
You know, I was having a great weekend. I went camping, drained a few beers, sat by a fire, and even swam naked in lake.
Then I noticed this travesty in my facebook news feed. Notice the popped collar on the pink shirt. The firm-tushed roundness who so willfully thrusts herself onto the toxic vat of douche. The hint of fauxhawk on Pinko.
I would happily clean out Larry King’s septic tank with a toothbrush for the chance to meet the LensCrafters sales rep who sold librarian hott her frames. Then I would chat awkwardly about breakfast cereal.
-CeeGee
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Yes, I too have cleaned out Larry King’s septic tank with a toothbrush, so I can commiserate, CeeGee.
However, other than Pink Popp, the doucher isn’t really douchey. But since the blonde seems to have on designer librarian glasses, and since Pink Pop itself is a ‘bag violation, this pic runs. And by runs, I mean ass curve like a ski slope in Aspen.
