The Scrabbler
I’m pretty sure if I unscrabble this tool’s shirt, I’d spell out “Bra Cruise Ship.”
Ah, you ask.
What could “Bra Cruise Ship” possibly mean?
Keeping the Homeland Safe
Our soldiers, on a well deserved leave, went ‘bag hunting in Douche Mecca:
—-
DB1,
My buddy from the Army’s 10th Mountain Division took a trip to the Mecca (aka The Rehab Party at the Hard Rock Hotel). Attached is a pic from the trip.
There are douches all around, and the Hottie is… well… HOT.
–Military ‘Bag Hunter
Med, CSCS
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Excellent work, MBH. While of course the job you do overseas is exemplary, keeping us safe here at home from the rank plague of douchebaggery is equally important.
Yeah, I equated terrorists with douchebags. And I stand by that.
Honorary HC of the Month: Don Draper's Secretary on Mad Men
While we usually gift celebubags with Honorary awards, it’s time to take a moment and honor the succulent thighs and round, plump, nectarine face goodness of Don Draper’s secretary on Mad Men. The young boobie hottie suckle thigh, actress Peyton List.
Prior to her supporting role on Mad Men, List starred in such projects as, I Don’t Know and Who Really Cares? and Does it Matter? She’s Hott!
In terms of Peyton’s background, I know that she comes from some town, she’s some age, and she lives somewhere. She has a boyfriend, or she doesn’t, or she’s married, or she isn’t.
But what I do know is that when she walked into the best show on T.V. in that retro 60s beehive, I was both happy within the narrative of the story, and happy in my happy place. That’s two kinds of happy.
We live in the age of a TV renaissance. A post-Sopranos world where television now takes the chances that the formulaic movie industry can’t afford to take. Shows like Six Feet Under, Battlestar Galactica, Rescue Me and The Wire stepped up TV’s game and told the movies to, like the kids said in 1991, “have some.”
However we’re not here to talk about quality television. We’re here to talk about boobie hottie suckle thigh.
And while Peyton List’s character, Jane Siegel, may be only temporary on Mad Men, she still makes the DB1 happy in his happy place while eating bowls of Corn Pops at 2am and watching back episodes on his TiVo.
So for sultry brunette perfection, librarian hott potential, and a body that causes lemurs to spit up their half eaten leafy greens, Peyton List earns a well deserved Honorary HC of the Month.
Caption This Pic
Anthony’s insistence that he owned a scooter ‘this big’ just didn’t impress the ladies like he’d hoped.
Scrote Language
Here we see Dennis and Kelly demonstrating what they’ve learned in Advanced Placement Scrote Language, as they combine douche hand gestures to form the word “AUEUEW.”
His Bed is Burning
I know I have to call you out for being a shirtless clubdouche, Creepy Bald Scrote, but I was a big fan of Midnight Oil in the early 90s. So rock on.
And I see you too, tiny Latina dancer. Your empty clear cup is a metaphor for your existential quest to find meaning in a world filled with shirtless uberdouche who just want to grind into your cute derriere.
The Sun Grout Thinks
The Sun Grout (I’ve demoted his name) just had a thought. It is:
A. I’m voting in the HCwDB of the Month
B. I smell like poo because I don’t shower very often
C. Spectacle attracts the ladiez in the age of Mass Media Overstimulation
D. Hmm, her tongue looks vaguely unhygienic. Perhaps I should not suck on it
E. All of the above
HCwDB of the Month
Random discovery from my weekend adventures: If you hold your nose while eating Raisin Bran at 2am, it tastes vaguely like wood.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Short Boat
Perhaps wearing thin after a week or so of primary and secondary pics, The Short Boat is nonetheless bringing his bramble tatts and douche-face to the finals.
Not to be lost in this pic’s merit is the quartet of holy lemon sisters from the island of Sapphos, who rub each other with talc on their soft cherubic skin, then play footsies with feathers while giggling in melodic nasal tones.
Which is another way of saying boobies.
Lots and lots of boobies.
Boatbags have been popular this year, as acting like a douche on a boat with a hott seems a perfect HCwDB recipe.
But will The Short Boat have enough to take the Monthly?
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: I Say, Old Chap
Substituting for the now legendary grown Prompa wrongness of Fung, welcome The Old Chap to the Monthly. Bringing in that retro 19th Century British mutton chop look, The Old Chap also brings a tiny peepee. And by “tiny peepee,” I mean shrinky dinky.
But that’s not why we mock the Old Chap.
It is not his fault the Gods are laughing at him.
We mock Old Chap for innovative douchal facial hair and X-Men fro.
And for sizing up a classic Nerdy Librarian Hott whose knees I would tickle with an ostrich feather, while reading her hand written James Joyce transcribed by a eunuch friar in Amsterdam.
She is lovely. And her utterly inexplicable tweety bird thigh tatts only further render her a riddle wrapped in an enigma surrounded by a mystery, surrounded by my drool.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Acey Douchey
A pro? Perhaps.
A douche? Without fail. Or with fail, as the case may be.
The overarching douche signifiers are so scrotally wrong, a distant Seagull just puked up his clams. This pud needs to be beaten. Guns and vodka. Ass.
It’s hard to read the skiny girls in this pic for thigh rubbing merit, but safe to say I would go 10% over premium to purchase them from an angry bearded Bedouin slave trader in northern Africa.
Not that I believe in purchasing my women. For that is sexist. And I respect each of them in this picture for their accomplishments in life.
Like the ancient Greeks taught us, lust and respect are often discordant, but always complimentary.
I have no idea what that means. On to #4:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: X-Lax
A classic in the oiled up orange Fratbag category, X-Lax gives all of our society the collective runs.
X-Lax is sort of a mix between Bra!! and a Prompa. Don’t underestimate his smack-worthy expressions. He is pure fratdouche.
He makes the hand gestures while hanging in Shelly’s kitchen while her parents are off at the insurance seminar.
The ladies have Persian goodness, mixed with a touch of Bollywood song and dance numbers.
And Bollywood is just weird.
So them’s your four. Which one will join last month’s winner, Mooby Dick? Which hottie/douchey coupling deserves a slot at the 2008 Douchies in the Yearly competition?
Remember to contemplate both toxic douchitude and sexy hottitude in contast. Together. In all sorts of wrong.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Short Boat's Cruel Summer
Adolf Skroatler von Baggenstein provides a little Cruel Summer to get us fired up for tomorrow’s Monthly. Nice work, ASvB!
