Friday Haiku
Follicles erupt.
Audrina Hott confused. “Zonj?”
God kicks a puppy.
implant funbags round
cretinous slime snuggles hott
hairspray pollutes pool
— ‘bag lanta
jimmy neutron douche
asian breasts next to the zonj
rehab. no, no, no.
– bcs
Kick bag in the nuts,
Oh quartasian boobies,
me love you long time
— douche bigalow
Tia Carrere
and douchebag Zonj McChoadie
star in “The Fly III”
— k-dog
Balloons ’bout to pop,
Keep away from cactus hair!
Douchebag of the week?
— blair
Study: Marked Up Birds Exude Testosterone
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WASHINGTON (AP) — A little strategically placed makeup quickly turns the wimpiest of male barn swallows into chick magnets, amping up their testosterone and even trimming their weight, new research shows.
It’s a “clothes make the man” lesson that — with some caveats — also applies to human males, researchers say.
Using a $5.99 marker, scientists darkened the rust-colored breast feathers of male New Jersey barn swallows, turning lighter birds to the level of those naturally darkest.
They had already found, in a test three years ago, that the marked-up males were more attractive to females and mated more often. This time they found out that the more attractive appearance, at least in the bird world, triggered changes to the animals’ body chemistry, increasing testosterone.
“Other females might be looking at them as being a little more sexy, and the birds might be feeling better about themselves in response to that,” said study co-author Kevin McGraw, an evolutionary biology professor at Arizona State University.
McGraw said the findings are surprising, in part because the hormonal changes occurred after only one week.
The study was published in Tuesday’s edition of the journal Current Biology.
In the 30 male barn swallows who were darkened, testosterone was up 36 percent after one week, during a time of year when levels of that hormone would normally drop.
At the same time, testosterone levels in the 33 birds that didn’t get the coloring treatment fell by half, said lead author Rebecca Safran, an evolutionary biology professor at the University of Colorado in Boulder.
“It’s the `clothes make the man'” idea, Safran said. “It’s like you walk down the street and you’re driving a Rolls Royce and people notice. And your physiology accommodates this.”
Before you feel superior to these birds, Safran cautioned, people’s mating systems are more similar to birds’ than we might like to admit.
Barn swallows are “socially monogamous and genetically promiscuous, same as humans,” she said. “There are some interesting parallels, but we do need to be careful about making them.”
In people, hormonal changes have been observed after changes in behavior. A 1998 study found that loyal male fans of sports teams experienced a 20 percent rise in testosterone when their teams won.
The researchers aren’t certain how the testosterone boost happens. It could be that because of the darkened color, the birds mate more often and that changes their testosterone levels.
It could also be that because of the darkened color, other males think the pecking order has changed and that boosts the darker swallows’ hormone levels. Or it could be both. The authors said figuring out which theory is right is the next step.
The birds’ weight loss is more easily explained, Safran said. The more macho swallows could be spending more time mating than eating or working off the calories, she said.
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This explains much, but does it explain groin tatts?
Ask DB1: The Business Scrote
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DB1-
How do I spot a DB in the work environment if I don’t
own a gym? I’m originally from northern Jersey ( the good part ) so I am very comfortable spotting ‘bags due to early exposure to their toxic society.
But I feel that unless they are in construction, car sales, or personal trainers you never see them in white collar positions- are they here? If so, where? In the business world, do they disguise themselves?
– J-Vol
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What you’re describing is the tagging of the white collar douche, or what those at the Smithsonian have labeled The Business Scrote.
While tagging a Business Scrote is harder than, say, tagging a Jerz Guid, it can still be done. But very rarely in the work environment itself. One must position one’s self in after-work hangouts to capture the Business Scrote in a moment of relaxation, and thus, revelation.
Once you’ve tagged a Business Scrote, wait until they turn to their buddy “Chet,” to discuss a hedge fund, then move in quickly to liberate the hott by casually mentioning your enjoyment of the songs of crooner Michael Bolton (mention you “celebrate his entire catalogue.”)
Unless they’re reading the Wall Street Journal. At that point, just kick them in the nads.
Where's Waldhott?
Somewhere in this gaggle of the worst bar choads this side of Red’s Tube Bar in Hoboken, I’ve carefully hidden an absolutely tasty pre-Bleethed Tara Reid Viva Las Vegas Waldhott.
Look closely.
Can you find her?
Swedouche Meatballs
Inspired by the Swedish ‘bag tag done earlier this week by reader Froggy, Mintz sends us more evidence of scrotebaggery going on in Sweden, this time at an outdoor beer fest.
When the European beer fests are sporting greased up Miami/Jersey clones macking on the automaton hotts, it’s time to raze Dresden again.
And yes, I know Dresden’s not in Sweden. But I read too much Vonnegut in high school. So lets all poteweet their asses. Maybe drop some Ice-9 in Lake Vanern while we’re at it.
PrompaShop Contest
In Monday’s photoshop call for Prompa date submissions, the pics submitted were alternately hilarious, disturbing, and, well, very orange.
But I had to cull down the best ones, and by best I mean greasy and orange. So here they is.
The natural choice was, of course, to set up our little orange friends with Guidette (or “Gudio”), Brianna Frost. Never have I seen a better match.
Then there’s Willy Wonka Prompas. In dresses.
This surreal Prom nightmare comes from legendary ‘bag hunter and comments thread samurai, Baron Von Goolo.
Next up, reader Blue Douche Dongle submits a pic of two strange creatures his girlfriend found on his boat. Throw ’em back, BDD.
Legendary Photoshop Wizard and comments thread regular Pfah, goes the orange road for prom dates. And by orange, he means orange.
Another reader finds out that the The Prompas are Orangemen (literally).
Another example shows that The Prompas found a Bleethberry. Love the Yasmine/Violet concept.
And last but not least, Mother of Squirrel Killer creates a dark, genius and disturbing venture into Kafka Prompa. Otherwise known as “Prompamorphosis.”
Great work and major props to everyone who submitted. We’ll be doing more photoshop contests in the future.
But if you’re sick of the Prompas, reader Douche Boyardee’s Cheese and Bagaroni sends us this clip of Douchepranks Gone Wrong.
The Fig
There’s any number of wrongs in this pic, from the classic hand gesture to the 175 degree hat pulled down tilt (any guess what logo’s on the front of that cap?), the douche face and the confused corn-fed Iowa girl embracing this scrote.
But what’s with the figs on the arm?
Is Tony a fan of Mediterranean fruits?
Crackodile Dundee
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My Australian readers are becoming experts at ‘bag tagging, and this one comes all the way from Perth.
Meet Mack Dundee. G’day, mate! Pass the ole’ teeth grillz, why dontcha.
Here we have further evidence of the Douche Virus gone global. The Yankee cap at proper 10 Degree Hat Tilt. The mysterious cloth-under-Yankee-Cap. Grillz, bling and stupid buckle. Douche face.
And the slutty Aussie party girl digging the grease.
We’re sorry, world.
Ancient Chinese Proverb
There’s a famous 3rd Century Ming Dynasty Chinese proverb. It says, She who drink too many Smirnoff Ice can not wash away night with douchescrote.
At least I think that’s how it goes. But I feel like something may have been lost in translation.
Wednesday Limerick
There once was a douche named “Coyote,”
He hit the Vegas strip looking scrotey,
He got inked by a pro,
To prove he had dough,
But ended up looking like Truman Capote.
