HCwDB of the Week: Zippy
One of the closest three-way votes in a long time.
And by three-way I mean I would rub Upper West Side Lacy Underalls Hott’s calves with melted tuscan butter cremes and a light dusting of cinnamon.
In the end the megahott wattage propelled Bennington Ultimate Frisbee Douche Champion Zippy to the win. As Boobla Kahn explains it:
I’m giving it to Zippy. Is that the S and B on his forehead? Even if not, he’s got all the other markings.
Mostly, though, I’m in this one for the hott. I’d raise marsupials and smuggle counterfit Chips vhs’s from Wellingham to Kookaburra in their pouches for a chance to peel the gum of the bottom of her second grade desk.
Excellent job noting the “Mark of the ‘Bag” on Zippy’s head, Boobla. For those newbies to the site, the Mark of the ‘Bag is when the sheen on a douche’s forehead distinctly resembles a dude’s Shlong-n-Balls.
scare-a-douche agrees:
It was a tough decision, for Scrote Times has a mighty Bleeth, but my conscious demands that I vote for ninja Zippy and his fine, aged in oaken barrels for eight years Higher Scrote.
It was a wise vote, SaD, for they are deserving. But El-douche-orado disagrees, casting in with Scrote Times at Ridgemont’s own Damone:
The guidics just look like normal, stupid, swedish teenagers. Sure, they are the color of Oompa Loompas, but other than that their doucheyness is low. And their hot is the least hot of the bunch. As a comparison, Scrote Times’ hot is slutty hot. Sure, you might be taking penicillin for weeks after being with her, but those 60 seconds of glory in the back stall of the club’s mensroom will be worth it.
60 Seconds of Glory with a bar hott like that is worth many a price, as we all know from experience. But Uncle Wally reminds us all of the scare factor in casting in for our junior ‘baglings, The Guidics:
the guidics. only because the picture scares me. i mean, really scares me.
Scary doesn’t begin to explain the merging of Nordic and Guido in a teenage culture clash of wrong.
And Weisenheimer Brainstorm asks:
Can I write-in Jean-Claude Van Douche, on general principles? Life time achievement award? Senior Tour champion? Anything, Anything, Bueller?
Sure you can, WB. That’s one vote for JCVD for a year end 2008 Douchie Award. Last year we gave one to Alba and her Spermfriend, so I could see Van Douche picking one up this year.
But Zippy and Madison Ave Hott take the prize. As Don explains:
My vote is for Zippy. First, that chick is smoking hot. Whew. I’m not saying she’s the hottest hott that has ever been on this site, but I would not be afraid to put her toe-to-toe with any other hott for the title.
Second, Zippy is the sort of smug pompous ass that I seriously want to punch in the face. Right here through the computer, he is pissing me off and making me angry. Ug.
Third, Zippy’s dumbass watch. He’s a douche for that alone.
Fourth, that hottie is fantastic! Did you notice that?
Yes. Yes I did, Don.
Zippy and Madison take this week’s crown. Book them a frisbee playing herb smoking ticket in the Monthly. And then mock those stupid sunglasses.
Breaking: Oompa Tribe Discovered in Brazil
Because we’re nothing if not news breakers here at HCwDB, here’s the first photographic evidence of that previously undiscovered tribe they found yesterday in Brazil.
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Uncontacted Tribes Discovered In Brazil
The BBC reported last night that an uncontacted tribe had been discovered on the border between Brazil and Peru.
According to the Guardian, there are around 100 uncontacted tribes in the world. “Survival International estimates more than half are in the Brazilian and Peruvian Amazon.”
The National Indian Foundation, a government agency in Brazil, took these photos and published them Thursday. According to CNN, “it tracks “uncontacted tribes” — indigenous groups that are thought to have had no contact with outsiders — and seeks to protect them from encroachment.
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However what hasn’t been reported is what the Tribe really looks like. Click on the picture above for more details, or click here.
Trainwreckin' in Rehab
Ah yes, The Trainwreck move.
Sometimes known as the Doggie ‘Bag Position.
First coined to symbolize any scrote’s ability to multitask a butt grind while concentrating on other things (a nearby camera, food, Grey Goose bottle as substitute phallus, etc), The Trainwreck was a go-to douchal innovation in late 2007, and won a Douchie Award for its originality.
As with every Trainwreck, there is far too much going on in this pic for mortal minds to comprehend. But I would direct your attention to the Hott Lick. For her tongue is mighty cute.
Nice to see the Rehab Party at the Vegas Hard Rock (aka “Douche Mecca”) is bringing back all the classics in 2008.
Topanga
Ah, Topanga.
My little melon ball of plump tomato 1990s Boy Meets World jailbait hott.
All grown up, and no longer pretending to like a Savage Brother.
I would douse thee with a firehose, then mop the floor with the sweat from my brow as I worshiped your thighs with pickled jellies and a small bowl of borscht.
As to the goofy-ass clown you’ve acquired during your ‘bag-sweep of the club, please cast him back to Frat Row where he can acquire a Ubiquitous Red Cup in peace. His beads and hat tilt smell like desperation.
Chesteration H
As if we needed further proof that clubgoing skeeze-buckets are giant dancing sphincters comes this story from ABC News:
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Preparation H Finds Place in Club Circuit
Men May Be Clueless About the Real Effects of the Ointment
June 2, 2008
New York bouncer, blogger and author Rob Fitzgerald has noticed a trend among many of the macho young men waiting outside his clubs. He says the guys are slathering up their torsos with the hemorrhoid cream Preparation H to make themselves look “ripped” for the ladies.
Fitzgerald asked one of these guys to describe the practice for his blog, Clublife, “The way you use it is to take your shirt off and rub it all over yourself before you go to the club,” a man who gave the alias, Peter Minichiello, says. “If you want to get [lucky], you have to know how to dance, and if you want girls to dance with you, you have to look ripped.”
The idea is a bad imitation of a flab spot-treatment secret used by bodybuilders before a competition. But the clubbers who lube up may not like to hear what the medicine in Preparation H actually does to their frame or the real health risks it can pose.
Bodybuilders and Posers
“The bodybuilders I know use it on their obliques — their love handles — to take away any lingering water weight before shows,” Fitzgerald told ABC News. “The guys in the clubs heard about this, and the use of it spread virally like some kind of Internet meme.”
Preparation H contains a medication called phenylephrine HCL that — when used for the drug’s intended purpose — will shrink the swollen tissues of hemorrhoids. It works by constricting the nearby blood vessels that feed blood and fluid to the area.
But the ingredient doesn’t discriminate what kind of tissue it will shrink, hence the underground beauty tips of applying Preparation H under the eyes, on love handles or other places. None of which Wyeth, the makers of Preparation H, support.
“Applying it to one’s chest is an off-label use of Preparation H,” said Milicent Brooks, a representative of Wyeth Consumer Healthcare. “We don’t approve or endorse any off-label uses.”
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Read the rest about the end of civilization on ABC’s website here.
Or, if you need a break from giant arseholes rubbing hemorrhoid cream on their abs, enjoy proud “gudio” Brianna Frost taking a face full of floor (NSFW) as she learns the ways of the amateur stripper media whore.
Caption This Pic
‘Eyebrows taste like Taco Bell!’ thought Tony before Tonya hit him in the head with a Flowbee.
The Real World: Joeywood
Emails have been pouring in since the new season of The Real World began that I should feature preening greaseball Jersey beach trash “Joey” on the site.
Is Joey a scrotal fungus of club culture greased up backwash? Let me consult my Magic 8-Ball:
The DB1 shakes his Magic 8-Ball, and no, this is not a euphemism for fondling myself.
DB1: Magic 8-Ball. Is Joey from The Real World Hollywood a huge douche?
Magic 8-Ball: Are you serious? Is this even a question?
DB1: Well, I thought I’d be fair about it and give him a chance.
Magic 8-Ball: Give it up, fondleboy, calling Joey a douche is like predicting tomorrow’s weather will include air. Now put me back in the closet next to your stuffed giraffe and let my blue water congeal in peace.
Well, looks like we didn’t need Magic 8-Ball after all. Regardless, Joey’s mom is hott.
So here he is, Real World fans. Bulgy, spiky, and smelling like a mixture between Axe Bodyspray and foot fungus. Joey from The Real World: Hollywood. Certified Real Douche.
The Oompa Prompas Need a Date
Notice anything missing from this pic?
Yes, it’s true. The Oompa Prompas have lost their dates.
Can you help them find a nice girl for prom?
Photoshop yourself or your loved one into this pic and send it along with your prom story to me here at HCwDB.com.
Because no one should be dateless and burnt umber on prom night.
Not even the Oompa Prompas.
The Unbearable Lightness of Chest Shaving
It’s like The Newscaster from The Muppet Show found The Elfstones of Shannara, got his body shaved like Jim Carrey by Julie Brown in Earth Girls are Easy, pulled on Georgie, Pete and Dim’s suspenders from A Clockwork Orange, then fell in love with Lena Olin after wandering through Prague in Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
Ouch.
I just pulled a muscle pop-culture referencing beyond the legal speed limit.
I need to stick to American Idol references while I set the cycle on “spin.”
Brianna Frost is a Guidette
YouTube sensation (codeword for “person I’ve never heard of”) and nude something-or-other Brianna Frost wants y’all to like know that like she’s a guidette and proud of it. Here she is answering some fan mail:
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From: BRIANNA FROST
Date: May 30, 2008 2:56 PM
Subject: dirty jersey
Body: for real, for real..
why do yall HATE dirty jersey guidos and guidettes so much?
did yall know im a guidette?
in my new pic with my boy and his friend witht the blowouts, ive never gotten so many negative mean and jealous comments in my life
may i ask everyone whats with the grudge against dirty jersey and the hot tan muscular men with blowouts?
ill defend my hometown and my boys til the death yall you cant assume all dudes with blowouts that are goodlooking at tan are f@#king guidos
my boyfriend is tan jacked and hot with a blowout and he is not a guido at all, doesnt act or talk like one – just LOOKS LIKE ONE
so why are yall so biased on gudios?
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Yeah, people. Why all the hate on gudios?
I don’t know who Brianna Frost is. I don’t even know if she qualifies as hott. In fact, I don’t even know why I’m running this picture or her nonsensical emails.
But I do know that I loves me some Chips Ahoy and Mr. Pibb milkshakes. Don’t knock it ’till you try it.
