The Slap?
Is that a Fish Slap wannabe? Or the Slap himself out of costume?
Feral Hottie has the wild-eyed look of Weena, the primitive Eloi in H.G. Wells’s The Time Machine. I would rescue her from the Morelocks, then teach her English in a condescending aristocratic way, while casually fondling her thighs and explaining that it’s a “friendly custom.”
Ask DB1: "The 'Bag Within"
doucheton writes in:
—–
Hey DB1,
A question that has been nagging me: You know the saying, “If you think you have an alcohol/drug problem, then you probably do.”?
Well, I always laugh at your postings, but truthfully, deep down, I sometimes get an insecurity that others can think that I am a douchebag. Sometimes, DB1, I even worry to myself that I might be a douchebag.
Are these theories analogous? Should I be worried?
Thanks
Doucheton, Texas
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A quick rule of thumb is that those who laugh at The ‘Bag Within are at least somewhat exempt from embodying The ‘Bag Without, to borrow from my mystic training for a moment.
He that sees the douche, can be the douche only in physical form. But not spirit. For the festering spiritual rot of true douche requires opacity of mind’s eye. The inability to witness the skeezal self.
Fear not. Your road to de-bagging may not yet be complete. But you are on the right path.
Gary Abusey
Two perfect balls of cornmeal “best friend of the girl you’re chasing, but who’ll make out with you at 2am” hott and a Gary Busey uberdouche.
Where’s Shane Black to write me a tired, cynical cop who’s close to retiring but suddenly realizes he has to kick one last douchebag in the nads?
Oh that’s right. He’s banging hotties in his house parties in the Hills.
Damn you, Shane Black.
Kick me some of that mid 1990s goldrush cash and invite me to the damn secret room.
The Douche Hoagie
We’ve seen classic ‘bag sandwich formation many times on this site. When two ‘bags crush a slice of hott in between them like a cuban pork sandwich with a slice of pickle. And a ton of mayo. Mmm… Cuban sandwiches.
But this is more like a Douche Hoagie. Rank, foul rolls of bread and a slice of delicious brunette chicken breast in between. Who’s licking her lips at me. Because she wants me. And hey, she’s got great taste in men, so I can understand.
Jeff 'Bagwell
Amazing career stats for Jeff ‘Bagwell:
.343 Douching Average. 425 career hairspiked follicles (left handed). 16 career hairspiked follicles (right handed). 1,263 career uses of the word “broheim.”
Young Princess Mononoke may not embody classic hottness tropes, but that’s exactly the type of Long Island Choice that’ll cook you dinner, give you a backrub, then dress up like Wonder Woman and spackle your toes with chocolate syrup and cool whip.
Her legs make Daoist Monks scream silently in protest of their chastity vows.
Cup o' Pimp
New, from Lipton!! Just add water and presto!! Tatted up stardouche, only .99 Cents at the Stop-n-Emo!!
Red’s curvier than Mulholland Drive at 2am after too many cocktails. I’d ride slowly and cautiously over them at 20mph, stopping only to pass out behind the houses near her Laurel Canyons. That metaphor makes no sense, but I blame it on the boobies.
The Easy-Bake Oven
Remember those Easy-Bake Ovens that Hasbro made when you were a kid back in Kindergarten?
When you’d wander over to talk to Suzie during playtime, only to discover that while you still couldn’t figure out how to tie your shoes and peed on yourself on the way to school, Little Suzie just baked a mini-cookie?
I bring up this story because after Little Suzie left, I tried to bake something in that Easy-Bake oven. A mash-up involving cake mix, Uno cards and Legos.
It came out smelling like charred lizard flesh.
Like this couple here.
HCwDB of the Month: Turkey Edition
Here we are. The HCwDB of the Month.
Who will join last month’s winner, The ‘Bag Islander? That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.
But before we get to this 4-Choad/Hott Clash in the last Monthly before the annual Douchey Awards, I’ve made a couple of executive decisions:
1. The Stereodouchtonic Twins are in the Hall. They’re just too ridiculous not to be.
2. Ricky will not get his own space in the left-hand column. But for embodying the glorious Everybag, Ricky will be receiving a Douchie Award in December’s annual Douchies. So Ricky fans can boogie to his award winning averageness forever.
On to the finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Douche or Dali?
Ah yes.
The surreal masterpiece of abstract grease-art.
The neo-pointilist post George Seurat mish-mash of abstract douche by way of a pop culture Warholian lens.
It’s almost mean to subject you to this pic so early on a Monday.
But contenders, this picture is.
One classic ‘bag sandwich, to go. With extra silicone.
And a choke necklace on a shirtless choad. What more could you want? Aside from a lobotomy to forget this monstrosity is even real.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Batbag
As acclaimed novelist Michael Chabon explored in his 2000 novel The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, the first American superheroes were drawn by the immigrant children of greased up Eurodouches.
Batbag here is not simply superhero.
He is also metaphor for the deep-rooted cultural negotiations at work in mass art. The everyday pop artifacts that expose the threads of cultural influence. The “low culture” items explored by all historical materialists. And by “low culture,” I mean greasy tatted eurodouche.
And lets not forget Bobbin’, his scrotey sidekick. And the MILF Cute.
Yup. That’s a quality pic. Forgot how much I missed the Batbag.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Jack Scrotington
A deceptively douchey pic when it first arrived, it took awhile for Jack Scrotington’s skeletal cornrows to catch on.
Jack is like a W.W.E. ‘Bag. The Stone Cold Steve Gator stare.
A couple of Ring Girl Hotts on either side. Pink Pout on the left is deceptively cute, with highly suckable neck.
And don’t forget Scrotington’s creepy, obsessed #1 Fan, Ted.
Get out of the picture, Ted.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Limey
A perfect balance between a sexy Miami Beach hooha and a pouty one-gloved uberdouche.
As with any great HCwDB pic, the balance between the polarities is strong with this one.
And hey.
Pink lipstick.
Which looks good on her, too.
Special props for the combo one-glove-Shocker move. Where’s Bruce Campbell to lift up a shotgun and blow that hand away?
Even now we have your darling Linda’s soul… as she suffers in torment!!
Sorry. Had a quick Evil Dead II moment.
God damn. I don’t envy you your task. These are four worthy hottie/douchey pics. But only one can win. Only one couple can emerge from the Octagon of Douche triumphant. Which will it be?
In this, the week of Turkey, which is your pic of carved choice?
Think long. Think hard. Think another euphemism that could be either sexual or sports related. Vote, as always, in the comments section.
