Indian Meditation
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It’s like I used to ask my Swami during my period of monastic meditative retreat in the hills of Uttar Pradesh.
“Swami?”, I would ask. “If you build a beautiful girl out of toothpicks, but when you try to hump her she collapses into a pile of wood, then was she really there?”
“Ah, DB1.” He would respond, laughing quietly while taking a pinch of snuff into his wrinkled hands. “We perceive the hotness whether toothpick, flesh, or tattooed bar slut. The projection of the construction embodies the real.”
Then he would instruct me to self flagellate my back with strings of goose feathers and yak hooves while chanting my mantra and tilling the wool jenny. I remained under Swami’s instructions until Punjabi police inquired my status and sent me home. I hitched a ride with a spice merchant named Ace, who told me tales of living under grape leaves during the unrest in Sanawar before stealing away under cover of the rainy season.
We reached port in February in South Carolina, where I apprenticed as a shoemaker before a windfall at craps allowed me to purchase a ticket home on a coal train. I traveled for three days and nights with only the poems of the Vedic Seers to soothe my cracked heel fissures.
The Mack
With all this voting going on, sometimes ya gotta go back to the classics to relax, reflect and regurgitate.
The Mack here is a classic serving of deep fried Jersey scroad.
The cuties on either side are tasty dishes of Kimchi.
And the DB1 is buzzed on Sunny D “plus” before 9am.
All in all, that’s a tasty part of any ‘bag’s nutritional breakfast.
HCwDB of the Week: Shakespeare Edition
To quote the great William Shakespeare: Yea, lest thine eyes deceive, vote for a hottie with a douchebag. For together, they are skeeve.
Ah, ole’ Bill sure knew how to rank out the scrote.
While the voting continues all day in the Monthly, lets also pick a winner from last week’s crop of newbie cutie/douchey wrongness. And by winner, I mean something that resembles week old fish heads.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Bells
Ask not whom the Bells toll for. It tolls for douchebag.
Okay, not a Shakespeare quote, but apt nonetheless. It’s hard to argue with shirtless sleaze, next generation puka shell wrongness, and a librarian hottie who looks ready to party like Henry the V. And as we all know, anyone with a “V” after their name is out of control, alien lizard style.
Bells has the facial uber-douche, the greased up forehead, and presents his package like a true King Leer.
Off with his head, I say.
Yes. That head.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Twin ‘Bags
O Heaven! Were ‘bags but greasy, they were perfect. — The Two Douchebags of Verona.
We have featured Twin Bags before on the site, most notably The Douche Twins, but rarely have two perfect speciments of mirror stage douchosity appeared to ‘bag a sandwich so perfectly. And with a dark haired stage-4 Bleethed hottie, no less.
Yes, she’s chewing rosary beads. But you say that like it’s a bad thing.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Rhyme Royal
All the world’s a stage, and all the douchebags and cuties merely photo-ops; They have their faux hawks and their cleavite, And one ‘bag in his time scroads many hots. — Shakespeare’s “As You Bag It”
Sure the accouterments of douchebaggery, the bling, tats, etc., are not strong with this one. But the douche-face and flip hair are enough to qualify. Not to mention the sweet lollipop hottie. I would dip her in confectioner’s sugar and serve with tea.
Factoring in her clear affection and his douched out mug stare, the rage factor on this pic is high. Together, they make peanut butter. Really nasty peanut butter.
Honorable mention must go out to the hotness of the State School Hotties with Rembrantian Waldouche, Bag Burrito whom apparently appeared on some MTV reality show rendering him a Pro Douche and therefore disqualified, and The Rick James inspired Doucheyfreak.
It was a tough week to sift through the douche-chafe, but these three finalists were well worth the effort.
Don’t forget, voting in the Monthly is also still open all day. It looks to be a photo finish, so make sure to vote in both horse races. And by horse races, I mean horse. Offer up your reasons why your pick for hottie/douchey supremacy rises to the top of the list of Shakesperean classics like a well worn copy of “MacBleeth.”
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Every Rose has it's 'Bag
We haven’t had a dose of Rockerbags on the site in awhile, but like my Flintstones vitamins when I was a kid, they’re chewably delicious. And by chewably delicious I mean sad, annoying, pathetic, highly doucheuous, and greasily scrote.
This may set a record for mandana land mass on the site. We’ve seen giant mandanas before. We’ve seen mandanas the size of the Kalahari. But not like this. That thing is to giant foreheads what pancakes are to catheter tubes. I have no idea what that means, and yet it seems to make sense.
The Leechbag
Uhm, excuse me, Hottie in the Middle. Sorry, I hate to disturb you. But there appears to be a Leechbag trying to mount your shoulder with greasy action tongue grip.
Now, don’t panic. I can get rid of it.
If I spray a highly focused stream of Axe BodySpray into his ear while jingling a giant puka-shell necklace, I’m sure I can get the Leechbag to release his tonguey hold.
As to the giant stalk of bean-choad growing out of your back? Not sure there’s any treatment for that outside of five soul crushing years working at the post office while his band falls apart because the drummer got high and moved to Santa Cruz.
Lars
Lars here wanted to bring over his Red Bull and mini-cuties to announce that the Weekly voting will take place tomorrow, so if you’re longing to get a second chance to trash the Twin Bags, you’ll get it.
Holy gebus I hope that’s a wig. Lars’s two tone pants featuring mini-bulge are enough to scar me for life. Yeesh. Dance Cutie in the back right looks like cream puff goodness. Chin Fungus in the back left looks like pee.
HCwDB of the Month: Abs, Slaps, Choads and Man Boobs Edition
Okay ‘bags, ‘bag hunters and hotties, put down the bottles of Night Train, drop the HoHos, and gather round the pixelated fire. It’s time for another Monthly Ultimate Douche-Off Championship. This month’s four weekly winners each represent distinct subsections of the baggie/hottie kingdom. From retched, all the way to putrid. The choices are many, but the rankness is complete.
Last month’s winner, The Rooster, was one of those slow burn pics. At first it seemed too ridiculous. But the eyebrow shavings and ultimate hot championship winning perkiness of his companion sent the pic into ascendance until douche orbit was achieved.
Which of these four pics will rise to that level of ultimate hottie/douchosity? The answer, my friends, is blowing in the scrotum. The answer is blowing in the scrotum.
HCwDB Monthly Finalist #1: Purg Hottie and Rogue Choad
The DB1’s unhealthy obsession with Purg Hottie is well known. But let the record show that camping out for three days in her recycling bin in the alleyway near her parents’ house just for the chance to drool on her discarded can of Del Monte Peas doesn’t make me weird. Just dedicated.
Rogue Choad here is a phenomenal example of free agent douchebaggery. Those wandering single cell douchebags who practice the symbiote method. Float around, then attach themselves to a host hottie before engaging in ‘bag hand gesture and the douche-face. Rogue Choad may be a clown, but do not underestimate his powers of douchosity. For they are many. And she’s, uhm, how you say, hot.
HCwDB Monthly Finalist #2: Manmaries aka Man Boobs
The hot army cutie.
That.
Together, in a bleak suburban wasteland parking lot. The Warriors, they will come out and play. And Cyrus is pissed.
The disturbing facets of this pic are many. Not the least are the genetic leap from performative femininity to actual breast growth in the adult douchebag male.
And the fact I would masticate on hotties lower thigh like a toothless, feral snake charmer. This is a worthy pic, my friends. Do not underestimate it’s combo scrotey/sexy power to disturb.
HCwDB Monthly Finalist #3: Fish Slap
What more to be said about a pic so hottie/douchey wrong that sixteen readers simultanously gouged out their eyes with ice-cream scoops?
Too much 10 Degree Hat Tilt plus Eyebrow Shavings makes Johnny turn douchebaggy. Give me the nose piercing, Wendy. Give me the nose piercing!
She is sexy all-American girl next door goodness. His chin grates cheese at the local Shoneys.
Throw in stylish dogtags and mini man boobs to rival Manmaries, and you have all the ingredients for a classic HCwDB spew inducing cup of pleasegodkillme.
HCwDB Monthly Finalist #4: The Ab Lobster
As someone aptly observed in the comments thread when this pic first appeared.
Pointing. At. His. Abs.
And lets not forget The Lobster Trap’s second unforgettable ass slapping appearance.
It’s hard to argue with this combination of sweet innocence and three week old sloppy joe meat.
Ab Lobster is everything we think of when we think of douchebaggery. And blondie may be Jersey, but I would love her kneecaps like four year olds eat paste.
Well there they are, folks.
Give it up to four award winning and worthy HCwDB pics.
But only one will survive as our Monthly Winner.
Remember the rules of voting. You must weigh the combined douche-essence of each pic in its totality. It’s aura of human wrongness. The power of the hottie to make you want to eat phonebooks. The disturbing putrid vileness of the ‘bag. Together, they make choad.
Will it be Manmaries? Or Ab Lobster? Or the Fish Slap? Or will Purg Hottie and her Free Agent Choadbag ascend as our Monthly winner?
The rules are clear. The pics are scroad.
The choice is up to you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Jersey 'Bag Hoagie
This isn’t just the classic ‘bag tri-tip hover sandwich. It’s a ‘bag hoagie. A Jersey extra long sub of douchebaggery and cheese. With extra olive oil.
She may not have a face that would inspire Petrarchian sonnets, but those bosoms deserve whistles of admiration and a celebratory twinkie.
It’s Sunday, and the DB1 is wildly hungover. But there’s a truly oily Monthly HCwDB smackdown setting up for Monday. Yes, one lucky hottie/douchey combo will survive a ‘Baggle Royale between the last four HCwDB weekly winners.
Who will triumph in the smorgasboard of choad? The pu-pu platter of poo? Only your votes will tell.
Scabies
What is scabies?
Scabies is an infestation of the skin with the microscopic mite Sarcoptes scabei. Infestation is common, found worldwide, and affects people of all races and social classes. Scabies spreads rapidly under crowded conditions where there is frequent skin-to-skin contact between people, such as in hospitals, institutions, child-care facilities, and nursing homes.
How did I get scabies?
By direct, prolonged, skin-to-skin contact with a douchebag already infested with scabies. Contact must be prolonged (a quick handshake or hug will usually not spread infestation). Infestation is easily spread to sexual partners and household members. Infestation may also occur by sharing clothing, towels, bedding, Jesus Bling, popped collars or hair products.
Who is at risk for severe infestation?
People with weakened immune systems and the elderly are at risk for a more severe form of scabies, called Norwegian or crusted scabies. Hotties who hang out with total and complete douchebags are also prone to exposure.
Pillsbury Douche Boy
It’s not that this choad is literally fat per se, but something about his douche-essence makes me want to poke him in the belly and see if he’ll go “hee hee!” He is pillsbury douchey douchitude personified. Wisp hair. mid 1980s retro Jams. And shrunken nips the site of chicklets.
Add in the fact he’s trying to look badass while balancing precariously on a beach chair with the metal pole likely shoved up his ass, and you have recipe for Beach Choad.
Hot Wings Hottie features two drumsticks I would dip in honey BBQ sauce and snack on like six hungry homies at a cookout in east L.A. She is deep fried crispy goodness.
