Turkey Doucherole
1. Preheat oven to 325°F. Check the wrapper to see how much the turkey weighs and determine approximate cooking time. Remove the giblet bag and the neck from the turkey cavity. Wash the turkey inside and out and pat skin dry with paper towels. Be sure to clean off any excess hair grease or bling.
2. Remove sunglasses and douchebaggey shirt. Remove the hottie. She will be part of dessert.
3. Place turkey breast side up on a rack in a shallow (about 2 inches deep) roasting pan. Insert meat thermometer in thigh. Don’t worry, turkey douche is used to this. Add 1/2 cup water to the bottom of pan, if desired.
3. Cover turkey loosely with a tent of heavy-duty aluminum foil. Roast the turkey until temperature in the innermost part of the thigh reaches 165°F as measured with a food thermometer. Check the tongue and the thickest part of the breast. You may choose to cook the turkey to higher temperatures. Cooking time will vary. For example, a 180 pound turkey will take 4 1/4 to 5 hours to cook, check the temperature on the thermometer after 4 1/4 hours.
4. Meanwhile, mix the stuffing or dressing. Place in a casserole and pop it into the oven during the last hour or so of roasting time.
5. Remove the foil tent after 1 to 1 1/2 hours of cooking time to brown the skin. Brush with vegetable oil to enhance browning, if desired.
7. Allow the turkey to set 20 to 30 minutes before carving to allow juices to saturate the meat evenly.
Note: Cooking times do vary. Why? There are many reasons – oven temperature may not be completely accurate, the turkey douchebag may be very cold or partially frozen, and/or the roasting pan may be too small which inhibits the flow of hair grease. The USDA highly recommends use of a meat thermometer in the turkey douche’s thigh or ass to determine just what a total scrotebag he is.
HCwD of the Week: Bloom'Bag and The Striped Raven
It was a tight one but Elizabethtown ‘Bag and this sultry ball of hot take the prize mainly on the strength of the uber-douche nipple display. Lets hope this scrote’s Eurodouche. If he’s American I’m defecting to Canada.
And what’s up with that semi-collar? It’s like some mutant offspring of the no-collar period in the mid 1990s and the big collar early 00s retro look. Yet it’s neither. It’s pure puke.
I love her.
I know I’ve said that before, but this time I mean it.
I’m surprised as I thought the strength of Librarian Hottie’s absurd sexiness would’ve put Barbarino ‘Bag over the top but nipple exposure apparently is overpowering in its douchitude. And I can see why. This skinny chested ball of wax deserves, if not physical abuse, than at least an angry ferret chewing on his nads.
Gonna be tough to see Bloom’Bag get much love (and by “love” I mean “puke) going against the other HCwDotW in next week’s Douche-Off, but with that nip I wouldn’t put it past him.
EDIT: Wow, Bloom’Bag is RichBag below. I didn’t recognize him with his nipple covered.
Vampiros Douchebagos
Run Hottie!! He’s sucking your brains out with his zombie douche powers!!!
Mmm… pokey boobie.
Oh lordy
Oh lordy lordy lordy lordy lordy….
looking again at the pic
Oh lordy lordy lordy lordy lordy….
RichBags
Perhaps the worst kind of douchebag is the RichBag. Some oiled up Eurotrash trustafarian who adopts the douche persona as his means of “dressing down.” Of being “one of the scrote.”
Eurotrash wank here is probably named Venicio or Pietro and rented out the suite at the Wynn for the weekend so he can charm Mary Sue Ellen with his accented, cologned up douche charm.
That’s it. To protest, I’m giving up Mediterranean food for at least a week. No more grape leaves and rice.
Fan Mail
Man, this is really starting to bug me:
Hey the second picture down from rehab is a picture of me and XXXX from
NapkinNights, I would like it removed
Thank you
XXXX
Geez, you’d think getting ragged on for looking like a douchebag on an internet site wouldn’t be such a problem for some people. Sheesh.
Uncle Rico
Still got it, Uncle Rico… still got it.
Rehabber 'Bags
PIC DELETED
Looks like another pic from the DNA filled cloudy waters of the Rehabbers Brunch at the Hard Rock in Vegas. Yup, the same Heart of Darkness river I journed up back in August.
In fact I feel like these two have been featured before on the site. Either that or all the muscle douches from the Hard Rock semen pool are starting to run together.
That place is like douche Nirvana. To paraphrase Ferris, if you have the means I highly recommend you check it out.
Blondbacca
The only thing better than kicking back with a Newcastle after a long day of work is seeing a wooly dreadlocked douche macking on five feet two inches of pure cheerleader goodness.
This medieval crusader from the CapitolOne commercials takes his ‘baggery to next-level incoherence through the perfectly placed lip-ring.
A word to the wise: If you’re going to spot a wigga rasta unwashed feral look when hitting on the ladies, adding the lip-ring will blow the deal. You can’t simultaneously sport the unkept 1970s Brazilian Soccer Team look AND a hipster lip-ring and have any hope of scoring with a hot piece of sex goodness.
It is at this point that DB1 realizes that Blondbacca has, in fact, snared a sexy young thing with a drool inducing collar bone.
Uhm…
DB1 is now intravenously adminstering shots of Jaeger.
Blondbacca says, “Vote for HCwD of the Week!”
And yes, the DB1 is aware that Blondbacca has made a previous appearance on this site, but he is way too hung over to go back and find it.
HCwD of the Week: Sandbag Edition
Not sure why these three are “SandBags.” Maybe I’m running out of ‘bag puns. Maybe they make me want to sandpaper my eyeballs out. Some of these aren’t as truly grease drippingly scrotey a selection of douchitude as last week with White Chocolate and Socrates Douche, but still some choice douchebaggery and seriously smoking hotties to choose from this week. So without further ado, lets get to the ‘baggery.
HCwD of the Week #1: Barbarino ‘Bag
The urge to punt this scrote in the nads is positively transfixing. I can think of nothing else. Well, except my deep and abiding love for this candy corn Halloween treat. So clean. So perky.
I love her.
I know I’ve said that before. I know you think I fall in and out of love faster than a hard up Whitney Houston trying to score smack in Vegas. I know I’ve said it before about other hotties.
But this one is special. And she’s been mauled by one of the extras from “Rumblefish.” Whether this pud’s real name is Billy, Barry or Bobby, I want to roll him up in a rug and dump him in the east river.
Damn this pic makes me mad.
Moving on:
HCwD of the Week #2: Alice and the Mad Hatter
This one really just kinda sorta speaks volumes without my having to say anything extra, don’t it?
Well if I gotta say something, it’s simply that I’d like to pluck out Mad Hatter’s ‘stache bit by bit with a rusty tweasers. Anyone who fondles a cutie like that while wearing the Kill Bill outfit deserves a beating. The Elvis glasses are what knocked this ‘bag into the finalist category.
Not to mention the hotness of Alice here. I like.
HCwD #3: Bloom ‘Bag and the Striped Raven
This is one of those rare HCwD pics where the strength of the hottie helps elevate it to the final round. Not to say Orlando Bloom’Bag here isn’t the embodiment of all that is greasy wrong with culture and society in today’s post-douchic world.
She is so damn fine. I know I said I was in love a few minutes ago. But now I’m really in love.
But first I would set a hungry ferret at work taking care of that boney scrod so I could get Striped Raven all by lonesome.
Special shout-out to Tux Scrote, and FootBag, both of whom just missed the cut. So what say you, people? Who’s our ‘bag of the week? As always, vote in the comments thread.
