Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Yupstafemos

So wht happens when yuppies, trustafarians and emo haircuts all get together and create annoying dudes with large goblets and sportscoats with rolled up sleeves?

I say we call them Yupstafemos.

Yupstafemos who can pull Denise Richards in Wild Things hotts in white dresses. So wrong.

And if you’re stumped what to buy your Yupstafemo for the holidays, you can always go with the Baby Dog Tag. Classy.

God damn, I knew I should’ve been born with a trust fund and annoying hair.

Where's Waldouche: The Woodshed Tool

Look carefully, kids.

Somewhere behind this sexy retro cornfed cutie with a great smile, I’ve carefully hidden a standard garden woodshed tool. Complete with exposed undies.

Look closely. I’ll give you another hint. The stomach douche tattoo.

Can you find him?

She’s a tasty black silk drink of lemondrop. He sells for three easy payments of $19.99, has rubber handles and will mulch your dirt.

Pin Diesel Returns

Everyone’s favorite douchey action star, Pin Diesel, is back. He first appeared on the site way back in January, douching it up in grandiloquent Guido style, here and here.

Less scrotey (and far less orange) than his earlier incarnations on the site, with only the vaguest fauxhawk and bling to hint at his former identity, the vaguely lobotomized P.D. still can pull the hottness.

He’s quaint now. Almost non-douche.

Almost. But not quite.

Sting Lundgren

Note to all pasty-ass white dudes: Trying to hide your suburban SUV private school ass behind “urban” tough-guy sunglasses will not buy you the cultural capital you so desperately crave.

Chicka may or may not be hott, but the defense just played the large saline boobies card. And it’s hard to argue with the large saline boobies card. In fact, I think that’s what the Leopold and Loeb attorneys used. Or was that the Scopes Trial?

Dammit. Obscure historical legal references just don’t cut it on a monday. Let me try one more:

He looks like Dolph Lundgren’s douchey sister mated with Sting.

There. Back safely in pop-culture territory.

Ice Cream Hott

PIC DELETED

As we ruminate over which pics should receive Douchie awards, here’s a couple to make you spew your coffee across the room like Scott Baio in Zapped!

Yes, I’ve made Zapped! references before on the site. And I will again. You can try to stop me. But Willie Ames and Heather Thomas got my back.

As to the model douche with the shaved chest and creepily soft shaven skin, I would particle/wave duality his ass using a Lorenz contraction, and then take the Hott for ice cream and cup cakes.

Then I would lightly talcum her upper thigh with flour and gummi bears.

Because it’s her birthday.

The 2007 Douchies

Yes kids, the 2007 Douchies are rapidly approaching.

The Best of the ‘Baggiest. The scrotiest of the foul. That most glamorous of end of year awards shows. Think the Emmys, with a herp sore and boobies. When the most triumphantly halibut smacking of greasy couplings that smell like poo that we’ve examined over the past year are singled out for special, and by special I mean poo, recognition.

But first I need your help.

Which pictures from the past year are most deserving of a Douchie Award?

These can be specific pics with one attribute worthy of recognition, even if the overall pic isn’t a Weekly Winner or Hall of Scrote caliber.

We will consider Douchie Awards for both Hott and ‘Bag in separate categories, including:

For the ‘Bags:

Spikiest Hair
Cheesiest Bling
Douchiest Douche-Face
Most Innovative New Douche Maneuver
Most Annoying Hand Gesture
Most Annoying ‘Baglings
Orange
Surrealist Dada Douche
Greatest Crisis of Modernity
Smells Like Poo
Most trashcan-to-the-Head Worthy
Douchiest Popped Collar

For the Hott Chicks:

Hottest Hott
Hottest Girl-Next-Door
Hottest Innocent Getting Grease-Tackled
Sexiest Librarian Glasses
Best Boobies That The DB1 Wants to Paw Like an Epileptic Watching Pokemon
Hottest Dress that Resembles a Banana Peeling Itself
Sweetest Smile of Innocence Plus Raunch
Best DB1’s Future Ex-Wife Hott
Most Expensive First Date Hott
Douchiest Hott (The Douchebaguette)

Douchie Combo Awards:

Douchiest Guido Couple
Most Likely to Procreate A Bottle of Hair Gel
Douchiest Superhero Combo
Worst Polluted ‘Bag/Bleeth

And of course the biggie: HCwDB of the Year.

And finally, we’ll be handing out the Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award to someone special.

But before we get there, and instead of the Weekly this week, I need your help. This is your chance to chime in on which couples should win one of these hallowed awards. And for the actual “award,” I’ll be drinking a half-flat can of PBR and burping congratulations to each winner in Esperanto.

Which pics stayed with you over the past year? Help me to nominate a pic for any one (or all) of the categories I’ve listed, or just mention an overlooked favorite and suggest a category.

You are the Academy, people.

Start nominatin’.

The Power of the Douche-Face

People say to me, “DB1, is it really true a guy can become douche simply through the power of the douche-face?”

And I tell them yes.

And I show them this.

And they never doubt again.

Spott the Hott

While we often play “Where’s Waldouche?” here at HCwDB, today I’m going to make you work for your hotts.

Somewhere, buried deep in this pile of steaming urban blights personified corporeally as “humans,” I’ve carefully hidden a Sorority Hott (and her two best friends) that’ll make out with you if you bring them a red cup filled with Miller Lite.

Look closely.

Can you find her?

And no, she’s not the douche with makeup on who looks like he cloned a herp sore from Dave Navarro’s inner thigh.

The Shocker Explained

A detailed Socractic and Talmudic discourse surrounding the cultural deconstruction of “The shocker,” brought to you by the generi-hotts and reality TV douchechoads of Big Brother.

Someone needs to flush this entire societal abomination down the jacuzz toilet. Yeech. Not even the boobies save this one.

EDIT: Via Shockerpics.com

The Douchetini

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It’s Friday Night and your lazy narrator in all things scrotey/shoulder, the DB1, contemplates this very equally weighted pic of overwhelming hott and underwhelming douche, and one and only one thought comes to mind.

Alcohol kills brain cells.

Which is a good thing.

I toast my cup of Night Train to another excellent week of ‘bag hunting and brilliant comments in the threads from the regulars. I welcome all the newbie ‘bag hunters and hotts to the site and hope you’ll stick around.

If you submitted a pic and I didn’t write back, I thank you for your submission and offer you a hypothetical doozer of sober busters.

I would slap an albino chicken and name him “Derek” just for the chance to gnaw on Kneeling Busty Brunette’s cotton balls during her last root canal. She is a dentist drill of sweet pleasure/pain.

Pinky McFrill in the back not only has the Mark of the ‘Bag, but, in case you couldn’t tell, is a steaming pile of ass.

Which is why we drink. Get drinkin’.