Monday, October 4, 2010

HCwDB of the Week

You know what to do. Bring it. Have some. French fries.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Kleenex Wiper and Nicola

And lets not forget pic #2 of Mr. Kleenballs and his resident party hottie and Kleencrotch #3. In fact, rumor has it Woody Woodpanel is also a member of the Kleenex Wipe.

I actually ran the nomination pic of Mr. Klint with a Vegas Ass Kicker email, but the more I stare at the rank cesspoolery of Mr. Kleenex, and the tasty hottitude of Nicola, the more I realize they’se quality monthly commingle.

Not to mention, this gives us a chance to vote our Canadian Douchal Neighbors from Toronto into the Monthly. But that’s if they win. Up next:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Golden ‘Bagger

While The Golden ‘Bagger is classic Vegas pustcrack, his pic is pulled down by the Bleethy level of not so pure Patricia. Sure she’s curvy. But she’s tatty and gumsnappy and feels just perfectly right for the G.B.

Proper hottie/douchey dialectic, is, of course, found in the wrongness of comingling. And this pairing just feels right.

Then again, he’s a cankerclown, and she can perhaps be saved. By my tosies lick.

So they’se makin the weekly.

But enough to win the weekly? It’s certainly possible.

However, there’s one more nom:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Benny Wah and the Alt Hotts

I once hit “alt hott delete” on my old P.C. It sent me back in time. And then gave me a backrub.

Computer humor is so in these days, what with “The Social Inception Network” coming out to tell us the history of Freudbook and the subconscious put online. Or something.

Yup, I’msa babble.

I blame the New York coffee.

So’s why’d I run Benny Wah? For one thing, we need to start mocking more hipsterbags. Especially orange ones with stupid necklaces and scraggle indie fungface. And two, I loves me some coquettish alt hotts.

I think this pic has a legit shot if it can split the traditional vote. We shall see.

(Dis)honorable mention to a quality run of hotts last week, including Eastern Promisesbag Gets Lucky, Joey Rat Tail and the uberhott blondes in The Friday Haiku, the lineup of perky boobage in Groin Fung Reveal, and the Bleethy but perfect boobies of Long Island Pitstop.

However, them’s your three. And your only three.

Which coupling deserves our next slot in the next Monthly?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:02 am October, 4 Istandouche said...

Easy competition this week. Kleenex gets my vote.

7:27 am October, 4 Mr. White said...

Kleenex and Nicola, without question. Normally I would be tempted by Alt Hotts, but the huge gulf that separates the douchosity of Kleenex and ethereal hottness of Nicola cannot be ignored. I have good reason to believe that aliens recently visited our planet, and for the recipes for Ben & Jerry’s current flavor line up, they were willing to trade us the secrets of cold fusion, an infallible method for finding the female human’s G spot, and a cure for herpes. But then they saw these two and decided to just fly into the sun instead. Those poor little grey-skinned, big-eyed bastards…. See what you did, Kleenex? SEE WHAT YOU DID?

7:31 am October, 4 smackdouche said...

While I hate myself for loving Patricia, I must vote for the KIleenex Mafia. Which is the worst name for a group/collective ever. Sounds like they would bust your kneecaps after watching “Steel Magnolias”.

7:42 am October, 4 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

Dangit, I hate it when the vote is easy. And by easy, I mean requiring so little thought that even the Kleenex clowns would know better than to not vote for themselves; and they’d be right.
.
Nicola is the hottest hott here since Jebus’s Mary. And probably not as high-maintenence. I would tickle her ass with a feather.

7:45 am October, 4 ehcuodouche said...

No competition this week. Kleenex is a pro douche. The others are just amateurs. Photos from their parties will keep this site going for as long as they do.

7:48 am October, 4 ElderDouch said...

Even though it looks like a clear win for Leeenex I have to vote for The Golden ‘Bagger if only for the H00000T!!

8:11 am October, 4 Musicman said...

Kleenex by far deserves the weekly…He brings shame to Toronto…..What if the Kleenex brothers meet Dimitri?!? If that happens, then the Canadian douchepocalypse will happen! RUN TO YOUR SHELTERS PEOPLE!!!!!!

8:16 am October, 4 End the Haberdouchery said...

Kleenex gets my vote. He strikes me as the type of guy who tucks it between his legs every night before bed and dances for himself in front of a full length mirror, Buffalo Bill style.

8:30 am October, 4 Eliza Douchecoo said...

Going with the Kleenex pud, he is a raging dickhead. People like him make me want to hurt people like him. Sorry Patricia, I do love you, but cannot vote for you this week. xoxoxo

8:32 am October, 4 Captain Scrote Sparrow said...

Ricky Rockett and the 3 large Orange Juicers get my vote. I like big boob’s and i’d drink from that fountain anytime…

8:33 am October, 4 Captain Scrote Sparrow said...

BUT … Kleenex is Master-Fag Douche… He is more deserving!

8:39 am October, 4 Deltus said...

Kleenex is so dyed-in-the-wool douchetastic nasty taint-smelling poo, I fear for the future of Canadian health care because of the random, multi-drug-resistant infections of everything from The Virus to STDs he inadvertently passes along at his parties. Perfectly normal guys instantly turning into fist-pumping choad, uber-quality hotts like Nicola turning from the lick-munchy shoulder gnaw curvy humpity hump they are to douchewank-craving jello shot gulping woo bleeth trash before your very eyes. All while the unsuspecting taxpayer foots the bill. It just ain’t right.

Kleenex Wiper and Nicola FTW, and the Ontario citizenry’s wallets FTL.

8:46 am October, 4 CBS said...

like dumb politicians i have decided to not vote for my own submissions. i am going to vote for the golden bagger and patricia. his creepy Mickey Rourke-Jeff Daniels looks are sublime and also worrying…i feel like there is a disturbing serious gaze behind the old lady goggles and coy smirk that would reveal a truly nefarious and deviant intent. i would build a bomb shelter to hide in, just to avoid the possible wave of maniacal gay rape he would reap on earth if he didnt get his way with patricia. Patricia is sensible oblivion. sex with her would be easy…you could throw her around a room like a blowup doll and still have her slapping herself silly to compensate. the fun bags look fun too.

8:56 am October, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The Kleenex is a professional douche. Now he’s topped of his pile of shit with a ridiculous amount of cheap jewellry. Should he not be disqualified from the proceedings like a football player who was getting paid while he was in the running for the Heisman? Is he anything unlike a Red Army hockey team of cheating professional soldiers competing in the Olympics. Or 300 pound East German women posing as women in the hammer throw. No, no he shouldn’t be disqualified

Kleenex is a douchebag whore selling himself as a brand. That brand is Douchebag Pro. Kleenex Wiper and Nicola win it for the bling.

9:01 am October, 4 Tony Ventresca said...

#2 Golden Bagger. For two reasons: (1) he thinks he’s as cool as Mickey Rourke but doesn’t realize he’s going to end up looking like a piece of old chewed-up leather just like Mickey, and (2) she is Hall of Hott worthy in my opinion (or at least Little Tony thinks so). The others look like they might be able to pass as normal humans with street clothes and hair gel washed out.

9:07 am October, 4 Et Tu Douche? said...

Theses bile inducing choads have caused me a lot of pensive thought lately that has lead to a demoralization I’ve never felt before. What gets me is that D-Baggery is becoming a profitable endeavor. These clowns are making money at this and where there is money the bleeths & baguettes will follow. The corporate world has caught on that D-Bagging is big business and going global and they are all but ready to cash in.
.
The douchepocalypse is at hand and I feel more & more defeated having to witness this along with the idolatry that is Jersey Shore, and seeing Jamie Pressley sell out to do Axe scrub your balls commercials.
.
FTW Regretfully so Kleenex Mafia & Nicola.

9:11 am October, 4 Deltus said...

@Tony Ventresca: I hear what you’re saying about Patricia. Bleeth or no, she’s be fun to bounce on. Aside from the obvious bolt-ons, though, her face is obscured, methinks, for a reason. It’s not nearly the equal of the rest of her. Nicola, on the other hand, is one of those hotts who truly is blessed all over. She’s never paid for a drink, or meal, in her life, and you would pledge yourself to being her eternal servant were you ever to get the chance. We just need a better picture of her.

9:18 am October, 4 doucheywallnuts said...

The Golden Bagger FTW. He and Patricia are living, breathing reminders of precisely why cliches and stereotypes exist, and by extension why this web site lives and thrives. He’s a total douchebag – the Ed Hardy swim trunks, the tatts, the hair, the accessories, and she’s a total hot chick bleeth with tatts, titts, tann and all.

9:24 am October, 4 collosus of choads said...

Kleenex, easily.
the other two are too friendly looking

Kleenex has the soulless stare of the psychopath

9:44 am October, 4 Crucial Head said...

Kleenex & Nicola FTW.
.
Like most Kleenex, he has been on the receiving end of several dropped loads and wiped boogers. Like most hotts on this site, Nicola’s image has been on the receiving end of several Master Bateroom fantasies.

9:47 am October, 4 massengill said...

Golden ‘Bagger by a load-bearing midriff. Well, it has great load-bearing potential.

10:09 am October, 4 Jimmy said...

Kleenex, I will always vote against fake tits

10:21 am October, 4 The Goob the Bag and the Pudly said...

I gotta go with Kleenex, too. I feel my blood beginning to boil at the thought of tasty Nicola and her knee-weakening come-hither eyes and smile cuddling up to that tattooed, bling-bedecked wad of excrement.
.
Goldenbag is trying too hard, it doesn’t seem natural, somehow, and Patricia is depressingly Bleethy. And while i do appreciate the alt-hotts, Benny looks to be mildly mentally challenged, so pity compels me not to mock him too vociferously.

10:23 am October, 4 Tom Choad said...

Benny Wah for the win! What kind of a douche makes a four-year old’s nyah-nyah face when posing with hott chicks? Somebody remove that sludge from the gene pool, please.

10:26 am October, 4 mr.reeve said...

The Kleenex Wiper and Nicola FTW. Canada, oh Canada. How I shed a tear for thee. Your sweet Nicola will soon be contaminated from Kleenex Wiper’s v-neck & lame necklace wearing; roid injecting ways. The next year will bring change to Nicola’s life. Orange skin, DD silicon boobies, botox lips and duckface. Sweet Nicola will be a shell of her once all natural hottness.

10:32 am October, 4 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

I’ll have that nose wiper and the plug nickel.

10:34 am October, 4 Vin Douchal said...

Re: The Golden ‘Bagger’s Patricia is gross, despite having nice balloons, a flat tummy and white teeth . WHy? Because that turd’s arm is around her.
.
Gotta go with the Kleenex Wiper of the “La Cosa Nostril ” mafia FTW . These are real life douchebags, masquerading as , uh, real life douchebags.

.
We better watch out sending our douchebags from the states up north. Next thing you know Canada’ll co-opt their lumberjacks, toothless, smelly hockey players and bimbo startlets back to us.

10:36 am October, 4 system of douche said...

It’s Kleenex for me. He is sinister. He is douche to the core. He is so self absorbed with his bling, chest shave reveal, tatts, and stupid haircut he makes me want to scour the neighborhood for mewling kittens, collect them in a burlap bag and repeatedly swing said bag to the pavement until there is silence.

GB is cheerful, though clearly a moron, and Benny looks retarded.

Kleen-ass FTW.

10:42 am October, 4 Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

This week’s choice seems to be elementary simple, at first glance. Kleenex is pathetically reeking of douche-fever, and his hott is quite “comely” (if you catch my weak, thinly-veiled double entendre).
.
On the other hand, the Golden ‘Bagger looks alarmingly like a high school classmate of mine, whom I could never pass up the opportunity to mock, then as now. As for Patricia– well, as much as I hate to see bicycle helmet hair and oversized shades on a woman, her body (artificially enhanced though it may be) is smokin’, and makes me tingly in the right places.
.
To sum up: obnoxious shoulder tatt, dipshit hairstyle, Ed Hardy shades, big-ass watch, bitch-tits and he’s even orangey, to boot. Congrats to the Golden ‘Bagger, douchiest douche of the week!

10:50 am October, 4 I R A Darth Aggie said...

The Alt Hotts FTW. And by “win” I mean “kick Benny in the Wah”.

10:58 am October, 4 Baleen said...

Kleenex Mafia FTW. They are the Dr. Quest and Race Bannon of douchedom.

10:58 am October, 4 Douchble Helix said...

Bleethy Patricia with the Golden Bag is all kinds of bad news. Gimme summa dat, please!

11:10 am October, 4 One for the Choad said...

Tito, get me some tissue. The combination of Kleenex’s uber-pudness and Nicola’s Jessica Biel-ish GND hottness seals the deal. I loves me some alt hotts too, but this guy is a far greater threat to hotts everywhere than that fung-faced hipsterbag. Kleenex FTW.

11:11 am October, 4 tall guy said...

Gee, Kleenex really is streaking ahead of the field. Deservedly so. He’s an uncommon mix of blinged-up gaybag + fashion conscious homogeneity. But it’s really the tasty hottitude of Nicola that cinches for him. Ah, Nicola… You share the same name as my first ever girlfriend. I remember primary school, the day I asked you to the school dance, your acceptance, my awkwardness, my self-conscience dorkiness. I’ve silently mused… Did you go home and rub one out that afternoon? (as I most certainly did)

Anyway, I am in total agreement with DB1 when he suggests we need to start mocking more hipsterbags. Such is the breadth of this vast melting pot of styles that I predict it won’t be long before hipsterbags reach the apex of absurdity and co-opt the douche – complete with mark-of-the-bag – into another completely meaningless fashion accessory.

So, as offensive as I find Kleenex & Golden Bagger, I really must divert my ballot towards the classic example of primary cultural architecture masquerading as crisis-ridden self-identity: Benny Wah and the alt-hotts. By denying their existence I deny myself a livelihood. And while brief may the hipster’s fascination with douchery be, let us all – or as many of us that require it – cash in on it.

Benny Wah and the alt-hotts FTW.

11:18 am October, 4 Jacques Doucheteau said...

The Kleenex Mafia all the way. These cream stuffed pud wanks wallow in their fantastic dilutions of celebritydom based off the fact that they’ve managed to garner limited fame as second rate bar promoters in the glitzy party scene of (snort) Toronto. Well good for you Mr. Choke-on-your-own-cock-grease. You’ve finally found a lifestyle that permits you to successfully pick up on drunk girls that lack even a smidgen of taste, class, self-esteem, or badly needed antibiotics. For that we shall bestow upon you real celebrity status: To be known far and wide as a complete and total douchebag, worthy only of our mock.

11:27 am October, 4 Tom Choad said...

It is kind of a shame Woody Woodpanel Groin Fung didn’t make the cut this week. I feel like they would have given Kleen-icks a run for the money, but instead, the Wiper is taking this vote hands-down.
.
Regardless, I root for underdogs. As I said above (so don’t count this as an additional vote, DB1), I cast my ballot for the soul-patched, blank-staring, plaid-shirted, chest-baring, fake-tanned, bead-wearing, B-B-B-Benny and the pets.

11:31 am October, 4 Tom Choad said...

^ “…Woody Woodpanel OR Groin Fung…”
.
Nice proofreading, Tom!

11:39 am October, 4 Wedgie said...

Mr. Kleenex in a blowout; snot flying everywhere. And Nicola is one of the finest hotties I’ve ever seen here; certainly worthy of HOH consideration, if not outright entrance (need to see more of her before a final tally can be attempted).
Congrats, snotwipe, you win. Woe, Canada.

11:47 am October, 4 Fatness said...

The Used Kleenex Wiper and Nicola FTL. Pic #2 seals the hott part of the deal, and Kleenex Wiper’s got to be one of the taintiest slime balls ever to grow in the Great White North.

12:14 pm October, 4 Blinded by the Shite said...

Kleenex. Because that’s what I needed after I saw Nicola.

12:37 pm October, 4 Condouchious said...

I thought Kleenex might be the worst name for a group of people ever, but I realized that it’s rather fitting because the contents are bound to be sickening and in all likelihood consist of bodily fluids. He combines material douchiness with rotten-to-the-core douchiness…and bodily fluids.

1:09 pm October, 4 Medusa Oblongata said...

I don’t really in my heart want to do this, but I’m gonna have to go with Kleenex. I’m so drawn to pink-haired Aimee in the last photo, but this isn’t about here, it’s about douche, and I think Benny Wah is far less nefarious that Kleenex & Co. Kleenex is selling douche on a massive scale. They are promoting it, profligating it, pushing it onto Torontonians, who are snorting it up like so much high-end cocaine that’s been cut to nothing with baking soda. Kleenex is not merely a douchebag, he is an agent of douche, a salesman of sleaze, a purveyor of pud. From him emits a wave of infectious baggery that infects others and continues to spread. He is the Typhoid Mary of douchebaggery. Kleenex FTW, Toronto FTL and may God help us all.
.
Vin 2 10:34 with “La Cosa Nostril” for comment hall of fame.
.
And now onto pink-haired Aimee. She will haunt my sapphic fantasies tonight in ways no woman has in years. That alabaster skin, the coy smile and piercing smile, the innner turmoil begging to be released through self-abuse or through sexual aggression. How I would stalk her to the bathroom of the dark club and question her about her unusual footwear. Before she even knew what was happening, my lips would find hers, my hand would be pressed tightly to the small of her back as I guided her into a stall. My tongue in her mouth would suppress her giggle as the ladies’ room door swung open, the chatter of the girls before the mirror betrayed the furtiveness of my fingers working their way down her thigh, seeking the hem of her black pencil skirt. They would travel back up, more carefully than they had descended, feeling every sleek thread of her fishnet thigh-high stockings. The wide band and the soft rise of flesh above it would let me know I had almost reached the promised land. I would look into her eyes one last time and know that I would be getting hundreds of crazed phone calls from her for weeks to come. But it would be so worth it to hear what sound or word escaped her lips at that feverish moment when I made her come.
.
I’ll be in my office if anyone needs me. Knock real loud before you open the door, though.

1:14 pm October, 4 Mr. Biggs said...

Oooh. I really wanted to give it to Benny Wah. He’s such perfectly douchey trastafundian frat choad. But he can’t compete with Kleenex, for Kleenex is all that is rank and malignant about the douchal virus. He knows who the hotts of value are, aspires to defile them, and rubs it in the working class’s faces. Ergo Kleenex must be fought off with the same kind of shotgun and chainsaw weaponry reserved for the zombie apocalypse. Plus I really liked the Scott Pilgrim movie, and feel like Toronto is a good battleground to combat the douch plague.

1:15 pm October, 4 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Alt hotts are not all that hot, and Patricia is a skank.

Kleenex Wiper has his douche-hand at the ready to pick both his and Nicola’s nose simultaneously.

Snot-fingered Kleenex Wiper FTW.

1:50 pm October, 4 skrag2112 said...

Kleenex for having that classic pedo-face. Its all creepy and leering. It looks like the last thing a child sees before a bag goes over its head.

1:59 pm October, 4 dbBen said...

Kleenex
.
The Secret compels it.

2:05 pm October, 4 Charles Ulysses Farley said...

The Golden bagger is a tool and his hott is unrepentant bleeth. It looks like they mortgaged the next six months of their income to have that “Kick Ass Vegas Weekend, WWWOOOOOOTTT!” They are too pathetic to mock.

Ben Wah does nothing. I like the real world quality of his hotts but nothing about him is threatening. He’s just a typical hipster who thinks he is smarter and tougher than he actually is.

I will hate myself in the morning for it but I gotta go with Kleenex Asswipe FTW. Look at him. The ultimate example of a preening, narcissistic cock gobbler. I want to smack that smug, arrogant sneer off his face with a sack of door handles. Top that with his faux hawk, ridiculous baubles around his neck and wrists, and the waaayyy too tight shirt. This is the kind of asshat that should be subjected to repeated painful government experiments regarding the pain threashold. And Nicola. Oh my! You have that sultry, Amanda Peet look about you. Me likey.

2:29 pm October, 4 DarkSock said...

Kleenex and Nicola FTW. He is, dare I say it, more slap-worthy than Fish Slap.

2:43 pm October, 4 Captain Lame said...

I cast my vote/discouragement into the snotty pool that is “Kleenex and Nicola”. The symbolism of his name is not lost on me. However, I think it would have been more aptly named “Snotbag and Kleenex”. You see Nicola was once a beautiful clean sheet of soft material that would’ve feel wonderful on my nethers. Unfortunately this choad is a mucusy discharge that ruins said soft piece of material upon contact, and instead leaves me with a knee jerk reaction of disgust and disdain, for what it once was and is no more. So until the kleenex can somehow be purged of the impurity of the booger, I will toss her aside from my mind into the trash can of my ugly memories. Wherein there lies times like the death of my first cat Mr. Kibble, and when Uncle Jester visited for Easter in ’93 and we had to share my bunk bed. This site is about ‘Bags ruining perfectly good, smokin’ babes for the rest of us, and the subsequent frustration that it invokes.
I’m not worried about Paid to Pose Patricia, or the two Lesbo Hipster Hots. Patricia is trying to distance herself from the GoldBag, so maybe she’s not full Bleeth, and the Hipster Lesbo’s don’t even LIKE penis, so I wouldn’t have a shot with them anyways. But Nicola, oh Nicola. I would’ve shown her off like my first prize blue ribbon from the science fair! I would’ve caressed and whispered sweet nothings to her for hours at night, like the pillow that I practiced making out on, back in the fourth grade… but alas, it will never be. Chalk one more up for the douches this week.
But let’s not be discouraged people! There is more reason now than ever to continue onward, always onward in our noble quest to purge the world of atrocities, such as this!

3:02 pm October, 4 tballou said...

Benny Wah and the Alt Hotts have got to be the sentimental favorites this week based on the current novelty of hipsterbaggism and computer nerd hott, but then we would really be losing sight of our purpose here, wouldnt we? The Golden Bagger FTW!

3:05 pm October, 4 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

The Kleenex Wiper and Nicola FTW in a landslide. I really wish he would get those chains stuck in a snow blower.

3:46 pm October, 4 The Dude said...

Kleenex! He deserves to be fish-slapped by the bizznich end of a large swordfish

3:48 pm October, 4 The Dude said...

oh, the Alt Hotts deserve mention, so I’ve done that.

4:32 pm October, 4 Nancy Dreuche said...

Status Update: Dear Diary, These guys are douchebags.
But alas, I can only vote for one. Benny Wah and the alt hots don’t enrage me enough to get my vote, sure he wears more jewelry than me but I’m a bit of a minimalist.
The Golden Double Bagger Duo are at equal levels of poo-ocity so there is balance there and I’m happy they’ve found eachother at the bottom of the same toilet.
So I guess that means my vote and snot goes to the Kleenex Wiper and Nicola. Kleenex is the Mr. TB of the Douchebag A-Team and Nicola deserves a Murdork. He was the stable one, right?

5:02 pm October, 4 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Patricia may be really hott, but she strikes me as those innocent bleeths who talk about meeting a ‘sweet guy with a peronality,’ but at the first site of the absolute choads like Mr. Kleenex, she would fawn over their douchosity but rationalize it as being attracted to their confidence.

There is not doubt that as a resident of the Great White North that Mr. Kleenex is the worst viral choad threat since Toronto had to go on lockdown because of SARS. And really, I want him to win because this has to be a lesson to Torontonians how much douchebaggery to which they susceptible. Gawd knows I had my fill even though my undergraduate education wasn’t even in Toronto.

But hear me out as to why I chose Benny Wah and the Alt hotts. There is nothing more annoying to the alt/indie world than hipsterbags, and the trouble is that they are cryptic in their baggery, which makes them really difficult to root out. Mr. Kleenex on the other hand, is an easy target and we can quarantine him easily. Hell, we can ring upNORAD or Walter Natynczyk and give them the coordinates to rain down douche napalm.

Hipsterbags do not have the necessity of ever having to lift a single weight or train ridiculously hard like their cousins like Kleenex, and they fall back on empty symbols of counter culture to convince potential hotts of their unique and independent personality when in reality, it is nothing more than crass contrarianism. So, they regale the hotts with quote mining McLuhan and Foucault to distract from the fact they are wheezing while moving a potted plant across the room.

Benny Wah fits the profile perfectly. The crappy bling around his neck, the plaid shirt to convey a false rustic masclunity and ‘rebel’ against the mainstream. The facial fung and the pierced eyebrow which says ” I am so edgy because I listen to obscure music but only from Pitchfork.”

And he has beside what I can only describe as Milla Jovavich’s hott twin from The Fifth Element. I echo Medusa’s sentiment. I would fight Bruce Willis and a legion of Mangalores on meth until all my bones were broken in my body if it meant I could suckle those nice creamy breasts. And make no mistake, Alt hotts are an entirely different breed than bleeths. They can be just as wild if not more in the sack, and they can develop a discerning taste in guys and not be susceptible to the roid bags. Aimee here would make Fholston Paradise look like Somalia after she had some time with you.

That is why being caught up Benny Wah’s scrote trap is such a travesty because Benny is the worst of both worlds. He can hide his shortcomings not by being an overt musclebag but by being co-opting all the elements that used to stand against what Kleenex and Golden Bagger represented.

Kleenex and Bagger are like crabs whereas Benny is herpes in remission. For former, they are easily identifiable and managed, but Benny here is subversive and secretly spreads his douchiness.

Benny Wah and the Alt Hotts ftw.

5:05 pm October, 4 army (ret) douche said...

For she is girl next door clavical nibble hott, and he exemplifies all that is douche. minus GSR (thank god.. i’m not exposing myself to his other pics to confirm…) i cast my vote for kleenex and nicola.

5:19 pm October, 4 Douche Equis said...

Benny, because he annoys the bejeezus out of me. And I need my bejeezus in its proper place.

5:59 pm October, 4 Steve L. said...

i have it on good authority that the gangrenous blobs known as the Kleenex duo rigged this weekly so that every other contestant is decisively inferior to them.
so with that said, i will very predictably cast my vote for the Kleenex fecal logs and then kick myself in the head.

7:08 pm October, 4 Troy Tempest said...

I am the Douchebag
(“No you’re not!” said little Nicola)

I am poo and so are you and poo is you
and we are all just scrotebags.
See how they squick like skulls on a dick
See how they chug – I’m crying…

Sitting in a crap bar
Waiting for some bleeth to come
In a corporation T shirt, stupid bloody moron
Man you’ve been a naughty boy
in your Ed Hardy thong.

I am the scrote king
They are the scrote kings
I am the douchebag
Duh huh fuck you.

Mister stupid fucking asshole
asshole fuckwad rage inducing jerkwad
See the bleeths fly like lucy in the sky
See how they cum. I’m crying.

I’m crying.
I’m crying.
I’m crying.

Yellow Body Axe spray
Dripping from a stank ball douche
Bleethy little whobag
Pornographic princess
Boy you’ve been a naughty girl
You still sleep with dopes.

I am the scrote king
They are the scrote kings
I am the douchebag
Duh huh fuck you.

Sitting near a stupid douchebag
Waiting for a clue
If his clue don’t come he’ll get a tan
From spraying on some orange goo.

I am the scrote king
They are the scrote kings
I am the douchebag
Duh huh fuck you.

Numb-nut douchebag cocaine smokers
Don’t you know the regs all laugh at you?
See the douche smile like a pig in a sty
See how he jerks. I’m crying.

Superdouchie jerkoff
frolic up the eiffel tower
uber-sleezy scumbag singing autotune song
Man you need a solid kicking
in your old pie hole.

I am the scrote king
They are the scrote kings
I am the douchebag
Duh huh fuck you.
Duh huh fuck you.
Duh huh fuck you.
Duh huh fuck you.
Duh huh fuck you, Duh huh.

douchie. douchie. douchie.
douchie. douchie. douchie.
douchie. douchie. – douchie. douchie.
douchie. douchie.

bleethy old who bag
bleethy old who bag
bleethy old who bag
bleethy old who bag
bleethy old who bag

—————————————

Kleenex FTW

8:36 pm October, 4 DJ said...

Golden Bagger. What a douche.

11:53 pm October, 4 Wheezer said...

Benny Wah needs a size 19 to the face – GOOD! That means I get to boot it twice! But the Alt Hotts aren’t “all that,” so they don’t win. (Hey, I have small feet. Small hands, too. Maybe I should move on…..)
.
Golden ‘Bagger’s smiling too much to be a total choad. A smirk or any other kind of scrote face would have him higher on the douche list, though he’s otherwise trying hard. Bolt-on’s tan lines turn me off. Boobies should not look like Dairy Queen’s butterscotch dipped cones…..yeah, and then you try finding a photo to link to that and not come away with a fuccen craving…..
.
I think in my dreams tonight, I will be standing on an overlook shouting “Niiiiicolaaaaa” and awaiting the echo. Never mind if my neighbors pound down my door and find me soaking a tube sock. Ummmmm, ohhhhh, anyway…..Kleenex Doof FTW. He needs to squat and thrust on an inukshuk.

8:18 am October, 5 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Benny Wah and the Alt Hotts. If I had one of their hairs in my mouth I sure as hell wouldn’t be trying to spit it out. I’d be trying to get more.

8:21 am October, 5 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Troy Tempest channels the Beatles for the win. Bravo!

8:24 am October, 5 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Medusa^
.
You make me happy. That is all.

12:08 pm October, 5 Constantine IX Monodouchos said...

Golden Bagger

1:03 pm October, 5 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Kleenex…something about that smirk on his face makes me want to wipe it off with a track shoe…and his hott is HOT!

2:13 pm October, 5 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

The Kleenex Wiper and Nicola FTW! Why? Have you ever accidentally left one in a pocket and then did the laundry? All those little pieces insidiously cling to the inside of your pocket. But then you find more of them on your pants. And then more in the washer. And even more in the dryer. It seems like they multiply and they just keep making you more and more pissed off until you contemplate throwing everything away that it has touched. Yeah, that’s what this dorkwad reminds me of.

6:19 pm October, 5 Vinny Scumbaglia said...

Against my better judgement, I have to vote for Patricia and the Golden ‘Bagger, for the simple reason that tattoos on Patricia’s hips seem to be holding her bottoms on in a sort of MC Escher-esque illusion. And besides, “better judgement” is overrated.

–VS

2:29 am October, 6 The 'Bagel said...

The Kleenex Wiper FTW. He exudes so much douchiness that Nicola’s upper lip just fell off.

6:09 am October, 6 Dex said...

I’m going with Kleenex and Nicola. I have nothing clever to say. This week’s lineup is so rotten it actually depresses me.

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