Reader Mail: Military ‘Bag Hunter carries on the Good Fight
An old friend of HCwDB checks in:
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Good day to you DB1!
So as I was browsing the internet this afternoon I got reminded of your site. Not having been on it in a very long time I decided to scope it out and see the horrible photos of douchewanks that I enjoy mocking so much as they make complete asses of themselves in front of scantily clad women.
As to my surprise and with a bit of sadness I see that you have more or less retired from the daily heckling of these turds and have decided to move onto bigger and better things. For that I salute you, because every good thing must come to an end. BUT as I read through your story about the website itself I came across where you mentioned that you started to get a following of soldiers and posted this link.
Well sir, the person who sent you that mail was none other than me almost five years ago. I completely forgot I even sent it to you, and I am honored that you would put that link up as part of your personal story of the website. As an update to you and the others who wished me a safe deployment I will tell you that I survived my 12 month combat tour in Afghanistan unharmed. I returned home to my friends and family, and continued my mission to rid the earth of douchebags. these following years I became a private contracted soldier and fought Somali pirates all across Africa. And as the icing on the cake in my battle against baggery, last year I worked as stage security for Jerry Springer tossing shitbags around a stage for their idiocy. I have included a picture as proof of my ongoing mission.
Thank you for your website and thank you for reading this.
Regards
Military Bag Hunter
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Good to hear from you again, MBH, and let me offer you a hearty salute and welcome home. I am pleased as Ponch to see you bring the good douchemock to the heart of Trashbaggery on the legendary Jerry Springer Show.
I am also heartened to see the legacy of douchebag mock continue to reverberate in many ways, forms, and wherefores. Now that you’re home safe and sound, MBH, may all of your hotts be of the purest of suckle thigh. And may the grease taint of rankbaggery wash easily off your hands when your work tossing Springerbags is done.
Watching Jerry Springer is like getting a root canal with no anesthesia. Fuck them moronic , toothless, mouth breathing inbreds that are on that show. Fuck ’em I says.
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On a lighter note:
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Steve Vai
Atta boy MBH, keep on keepin on. On another note I think it’s safe to say now we know what Darksock has been up to.
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http://www.cnn.com/2014/10/09/sport/horse-yoga-argentina/index.html?hpt=hp_c3
An actual “no shit” story:
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I was walking my dogs around our neighborhood the one morning when I overheard a conversation between two of my “neighbors” I was coming down the block towards them when I heard the following:
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Dumbass 1: “Sounds like you had a lot of fun while you were there.”
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Dumbass 2: “Hell yeah we did!. The best part was when one of the security guys grabbed me when I tried to jump on his back and beat the shit out of him. I saw Jerry’s face and he was all like ‘Oh shit!'”.
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DA 1: “So what happened?”
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DA 2: “After the security guy threw me across the stage I tried chargin’ him again and almost ran into Jerry. That’s when they kicked me out.”
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DA 1: “So when does the episode come on TV?”
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DA 2 “I’m not sure but when it does I’m gonna tape it!”
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So yes fellow baghunters, I live in one of the sweatiest, nausea-inducing armpits of this here Murica.
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@ MBH
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Please, please, please tell me that you were responsible for beating on this fuccen shitbag while he was on Jerry Springer. It would actually make my day.
Goooood Morning USA! And it’s a fine day indeed when the Starz’n’Stripes can be both punched and fondled in such close proximity to each other.
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As usual I’ve check in on Thursday thinking it’s Fraiku Day. I almost never correctly guess what day of the week it is.
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Hearty thanks to our Deployee of the Month™ @MBH for your service to our nation. Hope you’re getting well-paid to shovel the filth and handle the lameness that is Springer.
It’s that time of year when the days get shorter, the nights cooler. The grill eases up on it’s duties being usurped by the mighty Crock Pot and tough cuts of beef that do well when slow cooked for hours at a time. The hockey season debuted last night and football is at the quarter pole. Fuck Me boots are in full affect and as renoberific as ever. I devolve back into hazed evenings courtesy of Da Kind. GO BRUINS!!!!!!!!
‘Tis good to hear a newly issued directive from The Mothership. Far out beyond the horizon lies a small, pitiful group of bitter clingers who inhabit the far-flung satellite colony which sputters along as a once-weekly, Haiku wormhole. The administrator struggles with a mechanical spine implant manufactured from cast off bicycle chains. Blinded by ignorance and cataracts, we urge ourselves ever forward till the space-suited men with pump sprayers show up at the door to deliver us from evil.
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Colonists
Yes, Et Tu, I’m back from my expedition performing Downward Douche yoga on our equine brethren and I’ve just posited a Friday Haiku regarding an obscure Douchian named NostrilDumbAss; Mr. Peabody – set the WayBack Machine to March 19th, 2005:
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/03/friday-haiku-357/
Hermit… that makes us Klingons!
^Klingons, circling Uranus…
Ah, my favorite 3rd-grade joke – How is Captain Kirk just like toilet paper? Both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
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I’ll be here all week; try the veal.
Colonists or colon-ists?
I prefer the colon lately and the girls all say Yes Yes in the butt-butt, Mr. Fred
Pleasant margaritas on a Friday afternoon.
Where is that GD haiku again? I may just take a stab.
Military ‘Bag Hunter, welcome home! I am glad you made it back safely, despite the grease traps you endured in that security detail.
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Now get thee to the hotts! They still need saving.
Is anyone in here still talking about Rush?
Samurai Scrote has figs for testicles, and they have rat’s rib-cages in them.
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I’d forgot to post that one back then. Glad to get that off me chest.
Samurai Scrote downloads vagina from PornHub
Samurai Scrote plays cricket with his left penis.
Samurai Scrote uses his own kidney stones as ben-wah balls.
Samurai Scrote’s butt plug is Justin Beiber.
Samurai Scrote’s blood cells are feral racoons.
Samurai Scrote’s penis is copyrighted as The SuperSoaker©.
Samurai Scrote ejaculates miniature lesbians…for his lover’s pleasure.
Samurai Scrote’s pubes are CAT5 cables.
Samurai Scrote was behead by ISIS. 17 tiimes. Eventually they gave up and he let them go.
Samurai Scrote shops for groceries at The Home Depot.
Samurai Scrote can hover on his own sustained ejaculate. From his rectal gland.
Samurai Scrote skated Mount McKinley, uphill. Then he fingered your wife while you were binge-watching Game of Thrones. And you just smiled nervously and kept watching the show. Bitch.
Samurai Scrote’s bath tub is Rosie O’Donnell.
Samurai Scrote shit in every cotton field in Mississippi. The world wears his excretions. Proudly.
Samurai Scrote uses bacon for band-aids. Then eats them.
Samurai Scrote has a vagina behind his left ear and he frigs the shit out of it with the “S” volume of Encyclopedia Britannica. Because that’s the biggest one, and it’s chock full o’ KNOWLEDGE.
Samurai Scrote has sandals made of Robin Williams and they squeak “Nanoo Nanoo” when he walks.
Samurai Scrote took a shit in Eastern Europe once; it became Latvia.
Mike Tyson once talked shit to Samurai Scrote and got bitch-slapped. Today he passes it off as a tattoo.
Samurai Scrote uses baby wipes. Because wiping with dry toilet paper is like trying to get peanut butter out of shag carpet with a dry rag. But don’t tell nobody.
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SERIOUSLY.
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TELL. NO. ONE.
Samurai Scrote blew himself up with a vest bomb once just to get at the 76 virgins. Then they fell from Muslim Heaven and became the current slate of slutty female pop starts, including Justin Beiber.
Because of the shape of his larynx, Samurai Scrote cannot pronounce “New Hampshire”.
Samurai Scrote eats a can of smashed assholes every morning for breakfast before jogging underwater.
Samurai Scrote colonized Mars once. From New Jersey. With his Cockk.
Samurai Scrote ran a 4 minute mile on his ass hairs and was mistaken for a giant murderous spider.
Is this thing on? **tap tap**
That is a nice deck, but those railings can’t be up to code.
Samurai Scrote can whistle the “Leave it to Beaver” theme just by flapping his ear lobes.
Samurai Scrote flew from L.A. to Berlin in one day. His cocck arrived a week later.
Samurai Scrote once took a piss in Moose Jaw. You can thank him for Niagra Falls now.
Little known fact: The shark in JAWS was modeled after Samurai Scrote’s left testicle.
Samurai Scrote will be joining The Rev & Lenny The Box for Canadian Thanksgiving later tonight.
Samurai Scrote once popped an anal wart on Plinky’s Mom’s ass and this came out.
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http://old.marqueelasvegas.com/splash-pages/2014/dan-bilzerian/
Samurai Scrote once wheezed the juice, but I didn’t care.
Samurai Scrote has a cosmonaut Russian cousin named Pavel.
Pavel is also an <a href="http://41.media.tumblr.com/8d216558ba8f29be8f10a77878f26c1c/tumblr_n9d419mczG1r13tm3o2_250.jpg"accomplished marathoner and fully fluent in Japanese.
Damnit. l’m not good at this HTML shit.
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But Pavel is.
Pavel Petal peed in a horse once.
Pavel Petal will get this whole “Ukraine situation” taken care of.
Truly can not get enough of this Pavel dude.
New Hampshire?
Samurai Scrote uses medicinal marijuana recreationally.
Samurai Scrote smokes Lucky Strikes medicinally.
Samurai Scrote has a shark-toothed rectum which snaps shut at the sound of car horns.
Samurai Scrote doesn’t have a laptop because he never sits down.
,
think about it.
Due to his ability to hover, Samurai Scrote has been deployed to the Turkish border since his boots never touch the ground.
Samurai Scrote eats only broccoli stems and unicorn meat.
Really, New Hampshire?
Samurai Scrote does his banking telepathically.
Samurai Scrote refuses to divulge if he voted for Richard Nixon.
Samurai Scrote never fully recognized Old Hampshire as a sovereign state.
Samurai Scrote has exchange all his currency for Norwegian Kroners because knows the exact date the US dollar will default.
Oddly, he never fully recognized Norway as a sovereign state.
Samuräï Scrötë uses a zippered goat bladder for a change purse.
Samurai Scrote has a separated shoulder which follows him at ten paces out of respect.
Samurai Scrote formed his own human centipede once just to show that he could.
Samurai Scrote received a $25M grant from Zuckerberg to donate his Ebola-resistant blood to the world.
Mobody ever tells me what’s going on anymore. Thanks for the update Hermit.
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On behalf of 17 angry Eskimos, three hundred skidoos, a freight canoe, and a few used, dry-docked nuclear submarines Canada salutes you MBH.
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Fucking Islamists.
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I come back stoned later. Stooooned. Son(s).
Samurai Scrote once bitched slapped Putting with a rabid skunk. Putin thanked him for it later.
Samurai Scrote once told Chuck Norris to “hold my beer” and Chuck did so carefully.
Samurai Scrote’s pool table has a diving board.
Samurai Scrote once projectile vomited a fire extinguisher.
Samurai Scrote once impregnated a large herd of domestic sheep with a whispered compliment.
Samurai Scrote’s smartphone is a ’97 Plymouth Voyager.
Samurai Scrote poops in urinals.
Samurai Scrote had group sex with a pod of beluga whales.
Samurai Scote’s so tough he has ISIS for bedbugs.
Samurai Scote jerks of to Nancy Pelosi.
Samurai Scrote has a villa in Liberia.
Samurai Scrote catered Clooney’s wedding.
Samurai Scrote and the Prisoner of Assbanging.
Samurai Scrote flosses with a jackhammer.
Samurai Scrote still fucks Carol Burnett.
Samurai Scrote shops at the Big and Huge store.
Samurai Scrote;s teeth are blood diamonds.
Samurai Scrote is where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.
Samurai Scrote exfoliates with a Tesla.
Samurai Scrote has shingles, 35-year shingles.
Samurai Scrote uses crystalized Ebola culture as a low-sodium substitute for table salt.
SAmurai SCroe has been taking about this all day. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fv5ekzTubwU#t=87
I may be one of the few old assholes who listened to Sabbath do the original on eight track and still dig these guys.
Samurai Scrote listened to 8 tracks on a turntable.
Samurai Scrote just told me to get stoned.
100 bitches!!!
Samurai Scrote supports a woman’s right to choose…..anal or vaginal.
Samurai Scrote’s pockets are full of broken promises and brewer’s yeast.
Samurai Scrötinger is not sure what he thinks of this thread.
Samurai Scrote got really stoned and went
Samurai Scrote has only one number on speed dial: your Mom.
Samurai Scrote drives a halftrack, with a stereo system that’s a 10 track.
Samurai Scrote never picks up when Cindy Crawford calls.
Samurai Scrote only gives holiday presents to Lenny the Box, on December 26.
Samurai Scrote once peed in a rhino, twice: different rhinos.
Samurai Scrote wrote the screenplay for Machete, from his experience in the Mexican Boy Scouts.
Samurai Scrotes penis has a toenail
Samurai Scrote has room for atleast 4 more testicles in his sack
Samurai Scrote once threw a cat into outer space
Samurai Scrote once shaved his ballsack with an angry beehive.
Hey look at this: Butts of Brazil. The ones with goose bumps look like basketballs. But they all look like ass pear
^#41: H-ho mamma.
Samurai Scrote is performing Bruce Jenners sexual reassignment surgery,
The movie Roadhouse was based upon actual events in Samurai Scrotes life.
I second the Brazile Butts.
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http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/8d/Donna_Brazile_1.JPG/220px-Donna_Brazile_1.JPG
Samurai Scrote pissed on Donna Brazile and her hair turned all blue ans skanky. I use ti hit that mofo.
Samurai Scrote shrugged and the market dropped 300 points.
Samurai Scrote peed in Golden, CO once and Coors has gone out of business yet.
I just watched this and said, “Damn, DAMN!”:
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Beth Hart and Joe Bonamassa, For My Friend
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Name me anyone more on their game right now than Joe B
Samurai Scrote slipped acid to the crew at Lawrence Welk……once.
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Samurai Scrote thinks Beth Hart stole my cocck.
Samurai Scote eats more dark meat than Ebola.
Samurai Scrote masturbates with a 40 ft length of chain link fence, a grain thresher, and a 55 gallon drum of black strap molasses.
In 1923 Samurai Scrote fucked Vanna White using Tony Danza’s hollowed out rotting corpse as a condom.
Samurai Scrote has rectal polyps made out of cyclops sperm and boiling mercury.
Samurai Scrote cums giblets.
Samurai Scrote once shit out a 1988 Mustang Fox Body with a supercharged 460 stroker and then drove it around Oakland while fucking your mom.
Samurai Scrote eats vegetables made out of meat, and vegan soy milk extracted from vampire blood.
Samurai Scrote fucked a nuclear reactor cooling tower and made it bleed.
Samurai Scrote has testicles for hands, hands for testicles, and a penis for a vagina.
Samurai Scrote has 3/4″ minus limestone for saliva.
Samurai Scrote put the bomp in the bomp bomb ba bomp.
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He then tore out the spine of the asshole who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip with his bare hands and the shit down his neck.
Samurai Scrote has Frankie Dettori as a nut valet for when he nails a broad.
Samurai Scrote chipped his tooth on an M1 Abrams battle tank.
Samurai Scrote dry-humped a jenny mule with a hockey stick and a roll of quarters.
Vin Douchal implores:
“Name me anyone more on their game right now than Joe B”
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Answer:
Sämüräï Scrötë
An accomplished character actor,Samurai Scrote played bit parts in several classic Westerns. Most notably, a vicious Apache warrior in “The Magnificent Seven” and Dance Hall Girl #4 in “True Grit”.
Samurai Scrote was Knighted by Queen Elizabeth II; but it was never made public, she only whispered it to him in bed.
Samurai Scrote found some 1980s era WMDs built by the USA in Iraq. And he peed in a camel’s nose.
Samurai Scrote has never walked around a corner because they’ve always gotten the fucck out of his way.
Samurai Scrote banged the Bangles.
俳句はどこにありますか？ダークソックスはそれが侍くだらないやつの左ペニスに埋葬しましたか？
ha! Samurai Scrote into Japanese and back returns as crappy samurai
Dark Sock is mysteriously absent since the Zombie Apocalypse began with some sweet Mulatoo nurses in the Texas.
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Watch out for the face eaters Hermit. I’m stocking up on beef jerky, weed, and water.
coming to this party a little late, my bad.
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Samurai Scrote sexually assaulted Jameis Winston with a Calloway 5 iron and a bottle of Ms. Butterworth’s syrup…………………and didn’t get criminally charged for it.
I fear no contagious diseases Reverend. I never cavort with Dallas Cowboy wet nurses, or their staff, and I always pre-cook my fruit bats. Besides, President Obola has everything well under control.
If somehow the contagion makes its way across the state line I’ll secure the compound and set up intersecting fields of fire. The zombies will perish at the gates, and lie in deep pockets of wastewater. The bitter winds coming across the prairie will blow away the flies and Death. At night I’ll sneak out to the perimeter and rifle through their pockets and steal their shoes and shit.
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At least, that’s my plan.
Samurai Scrote has the breasts of a maidservant and the calloused hands of a coppersmith.
Samurai Scrote once swam the English Channel pulling a barge of Camilla Bowles’ used maxi pads
Samurai Scrote beat the shit out of Ray Rice by raising his left eyebrow.
Samurai Scrote once squeezed his enormous cockk through one of Miss Anonymous’ arterioles and spit his seed all over her Rush vinyl.
Samurai Scrote forces us to remember:
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http://samuraiscrote.blogspot.com/
Samurai Scrote forced me into a 7-day bender and now I must go do a belated penance Friaku, all hungover an’ shit, on a Sunday after watching the damn Saints get their tar-holes kicked by Detroit.
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Here y’go; March 20th, 2005 Fraiku: http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/03/belated-post-bender-fraiku-sunday-penance/
Samurai Scrote’s blood type is Bear.
Samurai Scrote shaves with Armenian skulls. The shavings are collected by the U.S. Military (with kind permission) for use as A-10 Warthog nose gun rounds.
I miss youse guys.
I fear no contagious diseases Hermit. I never cavort with Dallas Cowboy wet nurses, or their staff, and I always pre-cook my fruit bats. Besides, President Obola has everything well under control.
If somehow the contagion makes its way across the state line I’ll secure the compound and set up intersecting fields of fire. The zombies will perish at the gates, and lie in deep pockets of wastewater. The bitter winds coming across the prairie will blow away the flies and Death. At night I’ll sneak out to the perimeter and rifle through their pockets and steal their shoes and shit.
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At least, that’s my plan.
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Lenny and I are on our way to fight the Mooslims attacking Ottawa. And he has really good hash.
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All hail Canadian bad ass Kevin Vickers, yo.
^ Second that emotion.
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Hey ‘Sock
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Ya need some pics for the site? If so lemme know.
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Doc Bunsen:
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Yasss. Alls I have are a scant few hottie images…
General “Iron Guts” Chad and Lt. Lenny the Box will drive the dirty mooslims into the sea and quash the jihad in its goat tracks, keeping Canada free and clean.
Samurai Scrote aced his Differential Calculus courses simply by being tangent to his instructor’s curves.
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He was 5. His dad called him a “late bloomer.”
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However, Miss Anonymous hasn’t stopped talking about it.
Samurai Scrote time travels by stroking his cocck counterclockwise.
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