Monday, March 14, 2016

DJ Hand Palzee Rocks Au Pair Krista

DJ MS Fingers

Don’t judge.

Sometimes Sammy Markowitz needs a break from his middle management job at Glen Cove Key Foods.

So he takes that volunteer DJ job at the Westchester YMCA on Tuesdays from 8-10. He calls himself ‘DJ Hand PAlzee.’ Because his hands. They have the palsy. And because, hey, free hot wings.

Besides. Sammy never knows. Maybe he’ll get lucky and meet one of those wayward European au pairs being exploited by upper middle class Port Washington two income families under the guise of ‘education internships.’

And so, on this Tuesday, Sammy gets lucky. He meets Krista.

It’s her one day off after another 80 hour week providing childcare for ‘Brynn,’ ‘Kaelynn,’ and ‘Dylan-Hunterr.’ She’s entitled to a drink.

Sammy’s just finished spinning a song by the Weeknd. It turns out the Weeknd can’t feel his face. It’s about cocaine. So it’s edgy.

The song ends and Sammy pays for Krista’s Bud Light Lime.

“Danke!” she says.

He says “What’sup, Bae? You lookin’ fine!”

She doesn’t speak much English and so ignores his awkward, quasi-racist appropriation of hip hop culture. But Krista smiles politely anyway. Like Homer Simpson when he met the Smashing Pumpkins.

And all is copacetic in the echo chambers of suburban youth confusion.

# posted by admin
5:10 pm March, 14 mistercreen said...

first. reminds me of pavorotti

5:51 pm March, 14 Peter said...

Christ might have a Baywatch body, but she has a Crimewatch face.

8:01 pm March, 14 Charles Douchewin said...

DJ HJ
DJ GED
DJ Moobsby
DJ Mansplain
DJ Bon Mot
DJ BizzleNizzle
DJ Chudney and the wheezer
Ralph, from Weehawken… Give it up, Bitches!
DJ Beard Burn
DJ Walk-O’-Shame
DJ SorryDad

8:30 pm March, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

With lips so thin,
And eyes so slitty.
Her bod may rock,
But face so shitty.
.
Last we heard from Dark Sock he was travelling to San Bernardino to see the wife he was already married to TWICE. I still think that his intern from Argentina was a mail order ISIS bride OR he let the ex give him a rusty trombone and married her again, leaving Biloxi open to a Clinton win.
Speaking of Clinton, her troubles with the FBI are nothing compared to the troubles she has with the EPA regarding her gas troubles and falling skin. Her pantsuits are made by Huma’s uncle, Omar the Tent Maker and her evil is only surpassed by that of her benefactors the Sauds and the Soros.
.
Trump/Dark Sock 2016′
.
HILLARY IS THE HORVA.
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68qJN9MwDfY
.
REV AND MRS CHAD NOW HAVE THEIR RESTRICTED WEAPONS TRAINING DONE. GONNA BUY A DOZEN AR’S FOR THE COMING RACE RIOTS
.
Sons

2:26 pm March, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ CD
.
DJ Thally O’Mide (We haven’t had any Irishbags here yet have we?)

2:28 pm March, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Why is that chick in the background taking a picture of Kelly Osborn being stabbed instead of helping her? Oh wait, nevermind.

2:31 pm March, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Her nose is so big Union Pacific hires her out to get the cows off the tracks.

2:31 pm March, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Her nose is so big that one breath she takes clears all the air from the room.

2:32 pm March, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Her nose is so big that John Holmes only got a tip job.

11:10 pm March, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Messy menses shirt chick in back has the Ed Grimsley hairdo

11:11 pm March, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Messy menses shirt chick in back has the Ed Grimsley hairdo

11:11 pm March, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Where’s the old fucking delete button, fuckfaces?

11:13 pm March, 15 Vin Douchal said...

“Worst rave ever” said the striped shirt , easily distracted knife juggler

11:23 pm March, 15 Vin Douchal said...

This photo is what “The Bachelor” would be on the RFD Network
.
And SPEAKING of the Bachelor. It’s rumored that Ben fucked all three of the chicks he took to the “Fantasy Suite” .
.
Calia
.
JoJo
.
Eventual winner [sic], Lauren
.
.
Nice ,…
.
Also, before this season , he lost on the Bachelorette and supposedly fucked her , too
.
Lotsa fucking going on there….

3:23 pm March, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

Faux DJ throws a bizarro version of the shocker, Au Pair Krista makes up for butter face with enthusiasm and relaxed European mores when it comes to doinking.
.
Is it me or should all women, in the first 6 months after giving birth, be banned from wearing yoga pants? It’s not a pretty sight.

5:25 pm March, 16 Vin Douchal said...

I had a work buddy once that was on his second wife. She was a little younger, I’d say he was 40-ish + she was late 20’s. She was pleasant enough. To protect the innocent I’ll call him “Marty”
.
Dude would strut her out all the time, having her drop off his lunch, swing by after her hair appointments, drop him off in the morning and come in for a water while in her workout outfit, this sort of thing
.
He used to talk about how much better she was in bed than his first wife/mother of his children.
.
Well we all conversed about sex stuff, what we like, our preferences and conquests.
.
One day Marty sort of sexy-said, in his deepest voice , ” I like day old”. Day old. Day old pussy. He liked when his wife went a day without showering and got her puss all pungent from her usual workout/driving in 100 degree weather/everyday stench creating situations
.
I didn’t understand at the time. Being a young guy I liked my pussy fast, easy and see ya later.
..
.
So here’s my question. No way in hell that gal could have been Armenian, right?

5:49 pm March, 16 FredN. said...

Vin, that is the worst story I’ve heard all week.
Ack

9:03 pm March, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I often tell Mrs. Kroeger to not bathe too much so I can get me a face full of day-old muff. Except after she had the blooming onion sized hemorrhoid after rotten daughter number 2.
.
Speaking of hemorroids.
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqWQ2ykC0C4

9:04 pm March, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

My cock and balls smell terrible.

1:32 pm March, 17 Carlos Danger said...

That nose is casting a very long shadow.

7:37 pm March, 17 Capt. James T. Douche said...

She looks like a parakeet, he looks like he’ll be headed back to his job at Best Buy come Monday and that Bleeth in the back might need medical attention.

1:45 am March, 18 Dark Socki said...

IT PUTS THE BOAT ON LAND
.
OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN…
.
THE INSURANCE HOSE

2:03 am March, 18 Dark Sock said...

If anybody’s still interested, here’s a Fraiku from May 16th, 2005…
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/05/self-worship-fraiku/

12:46 pm March, 18 The Dude said...

^^^^^^^HOLY SHIT!!! DarkieeeeEEEEEEE!!!! ^^^^^^^

6:27 pm March, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

A word to the wise bros:
.
http://msl.sagepub.com/content/43/1/39.short

10:24 pm March, 18 Charles Douchewin said...

^Nice, Doc Bunsen. That was the best paper I read all week.
.
In other Douche-News, I wonder if our friends at the Gawker made more than $115 Mill off of Hogan’s tape. Because:
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/19/business/media/gawker-hulk-hogan-verdict.html
.
That whole shebang couldn’t have been better scripted by Mike Judge. Shebang, I says!

11:43 pm March, 18 Et Tu Douche? said...

Thank goodness DarkSock is still with us I was beginning to wonder if he drowned or worse peed in the wrong horse.

12:00 pm March, 19 DoucheyWallnuts said...

The hand signal is actually a Jewish Gang sign meaning she has a double vagina, or a ‘Wagina,’ as our Hasidic brethren call it. So there needs to be two holes in the sheet when they have Semetic relations. Semetic relations, I says.
.
The Rev told me a story once of how he banged a Jew Broad from the Catskills who had a Wagina, when she was up visiting friends from the Yeshiva who lived in Gatineau. Her Meat Drapes required a full time attendant and a wheel barrow. Meat Drapes, I says. But she banged like the Dickens…

2:50 pm March, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Is the answer to the cogener analysis mixing a few beerskis with a shot of each major liquor and some coke?

7:43 pm March, 19 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I think giving head is a confounding factor in the cogener analysis.

5:48 pm March, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Holy shit Rev! Your favorite human has died:
.
http://www.cnn.com/2016/03/22/us/rob-ford-dies/index.html
.
and now a moment of silence…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now let the crack smoking begin!

2:32 pm March, 23 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

A bad week for the Rev…
.
http://chronicle.com/blogs/ticker/students-at-emory-protest-trump-chalk-markings/109644

6:59 pm March, 23 Charles Douchewin said...

Screw the inexperienced overprivileged; “By which I mean: The time seems ripe for a reappraisal of the lost art of drinking while grading.“.

8:50 pm March, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I used to drink with one of my favourite high school teachers while he was grading in a dingy basement men’s bar. The turn of the century hole was in a turn of the century hotel. It has since burned and disappeared, as all things decay through the process of entropy. NO HOMO. I always got a straight A as he wished to show no preference. His name was Bill. Bill once accused me and my friend Joel Braunstein (Not a real Jew) of killing Karen Carpenter while on one of his scotch and schnapps benders. He also regaled me as his Irish Prince the last time I saw him, in a bar. Bill died in a the palliative care ward of the home town hospital due to complications of complete organ failure which was perhaps caused by his 50 year drunken episode. His sister interred him in Winnipeg to rest beside his beloved mother. He has entropied into a tortured spirit who visits me in the Grove around harvest time. There was no wake or funeral.
.
Rob Ford would have stopped the progress of the Islamisization of the West. Kids are weak and taught shitty globalist propaganda. May his G_d rest his soul.
.
Obama doing the tango while Europe prepares for race wars and concentration camps for the Moslems is treason. Martial law (NO RESPECT) will be enacted in the US to ensure Trump’s defeat and Obama’s third term as I have prophesied before. If Trump gets in, I am voulunteeering for whatever US force invades the middle east. .
.
I have a fifteen step program to re-stabilize the world.
.
1. Close all universities
2. Build more trade schools
3. Deport all moslems except doctors
4. Destroy ISIS and the liberals without concern to collateral damage.
5. Break all damaging trade agreeements
6. Leave the UN
7. Ban U2
8. Kill Pope
9, Build those walls
10. Charge Obama and Hillary with war crimes and dereliction of duty.
11. Ban Rap and negroism
12. Move to Vermont
13. The Monroe Doctrine for 50 years
14. Get your fucking shit together fuckers
15. Buy lots of guns.
.
Fuck you guys for getting me all riled up. FUCK.
.
Never forgive Angela Merkel, the E.U. pantywastes, and your own traitors. The white race will continue for a thousand year reich of peace and affluence, oblivious to the concerns of the world. Keep the power, keep the peace, and keep the money for our kids. AMEN.
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVnF0KV2rvM

1:50 am March, 25 Dark Sock said...

Doc Bunsen wins the May 16 2005 Fraiku with this Savage A.F. post:
.
Zyzz gets message from
above. “Douche until you die.”
Thanks for that one God.

2:04 am March, 25 Dark Sock said...

Meanwhile, back on May 17th, 2005…
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/05/82548/

12:20 am April, 2 Dark Sock said...

Charles Douchewin wins the May 17th Fraiku with this jewel:
.
Charles Douchewin said…
.
“Scent of a Woman”
reboot – starring: George Clooney
and Al Pacino.

12:27 am April, 2 Dark Sock said...

Check out May 18th, 2005…bring a moist towelette to the “wet republic”…
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/05/fraiku-21/

11:21 pm April, 6 Charles Douchewin said...

^ http://www.theonion.com/article/liver-flees-george-jones-body-4505

1:20 am April, 8 Name Stylish said...

Not a good story, and what a long nose

2:42 am April, 9 Dark Sock said...

Charles D wins the May 18th Fraiku with this beautiful post….
.
Charles Douchewin said…
She muffles my ears.
The pressure of her pleasure.
Enveloped, in bliss.
.
Sock Wept.

3:05 am April, 10 Dark Sock said...

Belated Fraiku for May 19th 2005 is now served…which is better than Biff Precious can say about what’s in store for Bulbous Betty….
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2016/04/fraikuuu/

3:31 pm April, 13 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

site’s broked up

3:13 pm April, 15 The Dude said...

Error 404
Makes The Dude wanna say “Fuck!
meh, let’s go bowling.”

3:49 pm April, 15 Carlos Danger said...

This is how it ends?

6:28 pm April, 15 Charles Douchewin said...

http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/

7:55 pm April, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

you are one sick fucck Rev.
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEX33vAyF5Y

3:42 am April, 16 admin said...

aka DarkSock…
.
Sooo, I just finished binge-watching “Breaking Bad”…spoiler alert – no happy endings.
.
Lemme look under th’ hood and see if I can at least get the Fraiku winner put up.
.
Son.

3:49 am April, 16 admin said...

Awright party people…I gotta give May 19th 2005 to Charlie D for this gem:
.
Charles Douchewin said…
It’s easy to see.
Clearly lit. Yet nobody’s
using the exit…
.
The rest o’ the winners are here:
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/05/fraikuuu/

7:08 am April, 17 Dark Sock said...

Okay, you stubborn Regs…the onslaught of the NSA against this site (I presume) has subsided, allowing me to post this transgression from 2005…go thee forth to mock:
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/05/friday-haiku-end-o-times-square/

7:09 am April, 17 Dark Sock said...

And, Et Tu….
.
There is no “wrong horse”….
.
Medical FACT.

7:10 am April, 17 Dark Sock said...

Also…next week I shall be flying to Cali, so be patient on the updates of happenings from 2005…..

2:36 pm April, 19 hermit said...

Binge-watched “Breaking Bad” while on sabbatical in Florida last winter. Best series ever. Heisenberg is Gawd.
.
.
*****breaks flip phone, walks off****

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/41/5f/f1/415ff1abac05e7b59ec5f22e0684529b.jpg

12:39 am April, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I watched a bit of Better Call Saul when I was in them Northeast Kingdom. It was ayight. When one grand day when the luck o the Irish be upon my tanned pole, I may have the money for the Netflix. Go Bernie! you old man howling at the wind you magnificent fucker!!!!! Hillary Clinton is a bitter old woman with rickets and vaginosis. Son.
.
@Et Tu
Speaking of my Northeast Kingdom. I got a free dinner out of these fucks.
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ugotRmRl6I

1:46 am May, 18 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Napoleon would famously write back to Josephine whenever he was returning home, instructing her not to bathe several days beforehand.

Old ‘Poleon was on to something for sure. The natural scent of a woman unbathed is beautiful in its assault upon the senses. That pungent aroma of dried pore excretions wound up in a woman’s pubic hairs like a fetid oil slick is alluring in it’s organoleptic properties.

It’s chocked full of pheromones boys, look it up. You can’t deny science. Like a woman may bask in the musk of a man’s androstenone, kick starting her into ovulation, so too is the man drawn to the fetid loinal secretions left to ferment and mature trapped between labial folds.

Just as ‘bagettes fool themselves into thinking a douchechode sprayed down with Axe is attractive to the senses, so too are fake-tanned little boys enamored with shaven girl-children who cover up their natural aroma with alcohol based perfumes and lotions. Artifice! They are not drawn to the (wo)man…they are mesmerized by the visage they believe they should be attracted to, because that’s what the jokers in the media and beauty industry tell them they should be attracted to. There’s no money to be made by hacking off your pubes or not showering.

So give me a woman who doesn’t hide her natural feminine effluvium, a thick pungence that pricks the nostrils with its damp earthiness. She should smell like a sweaty day on a hot beach; a bouquet of salt and sea, with notes of seashell and old coconut husks. When she ovulates the smell should thicken with oily undertones and a slightly acidic ambiance, all wrapped up and left to sit in a dirty laundry hamper for a few days. And of course the cycle of smells will begin anew, signaled by the sharp, sour, malodrous tang of shedding uterine lining. It can best be described as smelling like a jar of pennies left in the sun for a day, or the smell of the sink after scrubbing all the pots and pans with a scouring pad. Smithy, like iron and earth.

Regardless, I bury my face into all these burly fields of fragrance, inhaling deeply the fumes of womanhood, before adding further layers of complexity to her essence with mine own. The musky incense of sweat and scrotal bacterium, a barb of anus, and the biscuity chlorine punch of seminal fluid sprinkled liberally throughout.

Biscuity I says.

6:06 am May, 18 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Wow, this site is becoming such a corpse that it will soon sprout maggots.
It can’t die this way. It would be an abomination. A stain on the soul of the universe. Especially with those two unworthy idiots in the pic at the top (paulzee and krista.) They are utterly UNWORTHY of being the last people with a pic posted on this site.
If it’s Paulzee and Krista who close this site out, THE DOUCHEBAGS WILL HAVE WON.

3:22 pm May, 19 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Did the Rev have the keys to the site once? I thought he took it out for a spin once and then crashed it. If he could get them again (and provide me with a valid email address) these two will not be the last faces of the site. I gots shitloads of pics.

11:25 pm May, 23 Douchesdownunder said...

Sigh…
Every week I drop in here, hoping for another shred of douche insight from around the world, only to be further saddened. While the douche virus runs rampant across the globe, is there not one who will save us.

Boss, have you hung up your cape?

8:55 am May, 26 Tattsiana Groinshavia said...

This isn’t how I imagined it would end…

I always thought it would finish with a massive closet of poo plunging off a cliff!

Kinda like that Cure song ‘Close to me’…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjvfIJstWeg

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