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Bucky Got Crazy Skillz
We first met Bucky on Monday, when we learned that not only did he have amazing 4-dimensional hat tilt, but he had mad game.
Now some ‘bag hunters and huntresses wondered if Bucky was really scoring with tanned and toned Kathy Hott, or if she was simply posing.
The pain. It is real.
Bucky Got Mad Game
Bucky got mad game.
Bucky can snag the Long Island Tanned Hotts using two, and only two, moves:
1. The badass black gloves. For welding, or for Running with the Goose.
2. Swivel Axis 10 Degree Hat Tilt.
Only the pros can pull this off, kids. Don’t try this at home.
Brokeback Bucky
Speaking of cowboys, Bucky ‘Bag attempts to merge standard Cowbag with race car jacket and Fratchoad beer selection.
That’s just too many mixed metaphors for one look, Bucky.
Blonde Bustier Perfection can style my hair any day of the week. Choke collar jewelry on young Meg Ryan is an absolutely tasty drink of vitamin water.
HCwDB of the Year: Smoot and Crystal
What more can be said, as we crown our HCwDB couple for 2009?
Only that our voting thread was epic deconstruction, and should be studied by talmudic scholars for many years to come.
Smoot and Crystal. Cystal and Smoot.
All that is hottie/douchey and douchey/hottie about our world we live in in 2009.
The run begins, followed by pic #2, pic #3 , pic #4, pic #5, pic #6, pic #7, pic #8, pic #9, pic #10 with King D and pic #11.
A well earned prize of superdouchosity and tasty hottitude.
Well done, everyone. Except Smoot’s parents.
Here are your 2009 Douchie Award Winners:
Douchiest Hair: Hairy Belafonte
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Rebecca The Loop Girl
Douchiest Tattoo: Rated “P” For Poo
Douchiest Facial Expression: The Punch-Face
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: The Incredible Yolk
Douchiest “Athlete”: Jeff Reed
Hottest Librarian Hott: Dewey Hott
Douchiest Hand Gesture: The Hypothetical Gun
Jerziest Jerz: Guido Buttchinsky
Greasiest Grease Stain: A Clockwork Orange
The Ricky Award: Sammy
Sexiest Back Curve: The Barrowbag’s Alana
Douchiest Imitation of Deathtongue: The Hurt Licker
Best Friday Ass Pear: Ass Pear La Plante
Best Golden Globes: Raquel
Best Golden Globes II: The Eiffel Towers
Orangest Orange: Cheeto Man
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott: Cynthia
Douchiest Home Video: Mikey Batz Frolics in the Parking Lot
Most European Eurobag: The Eurobag
Crimsonest Crimson: Crimson Ted
Most Annoying ‘Bagling: Suburban Pimp
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: The Sterilizer
Douchiest Hipsterbag: The Hipsterbag
Douchiest Facial Hair: The ‘Stachebagger
Douchiest New ‘Bag Trend: Groin Shave Reveal
Douchiest Baguette: Lips McGee
Douchiest Hat Tilt: Bucky
Douchiest ‘Bagcessory: Blackerry Bob
Smells Like Poo: Poo
Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim in 2023: “Pool Pear”. Additional Art Awards to: Ass Pear in Chains, Still Life with Wheelbarrow,and FratsnHotts Playing Pool.
The Yellowtail: The Leatherbag
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year: Tiger Woods and the Nanny
Hottest Hotts of the Year: Rachelle and Clarissa
And of course…
The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Donkey Douche
Rather than do a ‘Bag hunter and huntress of the Year, I’ve decided to induct a Class of 2009 of our best and brightest ‘bag mockers from the comments thread. Joining the 2008 Class (Baron Von Goolo, DarkSock and the Late Pfah) will be the following:
Troy Tempest, Steve L, Wheezer, Medusa Oblongata, creature, Crucial Head, Mr. White, Archidoucheis, Mr. Biggs, Vin Douchal, Sergent Scrote Stain, boatbutter, Captain Bringdown, Whoop-di-douche, Jacques Doucheteau, massengill and Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche.
Also special ‘Baghunter Pic Awards to George S. and Il Douché.
This is not to discount the many other superb ‘bag hunters and huntresses, all of whom remain eligible for the 2010 induction class (with a number of promising leads already). Only that we most canonize those whose tireless commitment to mocking/lusting carries this site onward into a new decade.
Them’s your 2009 Douchie Awards.
Your humble narrator, The DB1, just arrived in New York for three weeks of alcoholism, pursuing urbane New York hotties who brush by him quickly, and, of course, extensive mocking of Bridge and Tunnel Guids.
Yup. I’se is gettin’ drunk already.
HCwDB of the Year
The rest is history. Only three couplings remain. Only one can become HCwDB champion. You know what to do.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia Hott
The biggest upset of the HCwDB Finals, as Vegas had Bucky/Kathy at even odds. But the Glambaggery of this mugging led to a dominant win.
It may have been Leia and McJ’s secondary and thirdary pics that won the round for hottie/douchey toxicity, here, here and here. The voters speak:
Publius Choadius Naso: Crosshair McJ FTW. Gnarly coiff, gauge earrings, guyliner, gargantuan watch, gross vibe, gangsta gestures and going waaaaaay too far in the workout room of his local Y = Semi-finalist cinch.
Rob: I gotta vote for Crosshair McJohnson, she’s super hot and he’s a super douche!
Vander (Bro-Nye the Science Guy) : Crosshair FTW. Crosshair is a douche in every which way, but somehow he seems to elevate his doucheness even higher. He has almost all of the douchal attributes, but somehow looks like he has even more that are to this day undiscovered. He is like the lost city of Atlanpiss. That and Leia is HOTTTTTT
Filthy McBaggin’: Crosshair looks late 20’s/early 30’s. He’s had time to learn otherwise. Instead, he’s learned how to apply manscara. As far as this bag hunter is concerned, men applying make up trumps the donning of welding gloves any day of the week. So Cross Hair for the win. He’s old enough to know better by now.
Mr. White: Crosshair shows us what Scott Weiland would look like if he substituted steroids for heroin. And his sultry Latina companion, by allowing him a hair pull and sneer, just seals the deal.
A dominant win for Glambaggery. Guyliner, frost tips, ‘roids and ‘tude, all while mugging a perfectly tasteful Princess Latina in Jedi hottie. Do not for a second doubt this coupling’s ability to win the HCwDB of the Year. If our next two candidates split the vote, anything could happen.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: E-Blo and Britney
In the toughest of the three brackets, the mighty vacancy of the E-Blo Stare took down the potent Poopaloompa and crimsony Crimson Ted.
The run of ‘blo is legend: 2, 3, 4, 5 6, 7, 8 and pic 9. The voters speak:
DoubleBock: E-BLO is the real deal and gets my vote. Poopa / Ming the Merciless will have to settle for the Orange consolation prize. Scribbles and Crimson Ted get what they deserve, nothing.
Sad Party Karaoke Robot: I have to go with E-Blo FTW. His body of work is unmatched even by Ted. He just kept bringing in douche element after douche element. Each picture in his poop-iliation represents a gesture, attribute or article of clothing that is mocked every day on this site.
Anonymous: EBLO, is it even a question? This douche has been training all his life for this moment. You do not develop such a stare because you feel like it. EBLO’s stare is one of years of practice. He is that douche in Junior High who wouldnt even smile in his school picture. The guy was probably douche-practicing at twelve years old for christ sakes
JoJo Dancer: E-Blo is a souless wonder. He manages, from head to toe, to display every douche mode but he wears it like a second skin. E-Blo is not a douchebag. He is the douchebag.
Dave: Not even a contest here. E-blo is well on his way to HCwDB of the decade.
Wedgie: I gotta go with E-Blo. The thousand yard stare reminds me of my cousin when he came back to the world from the ‘Nam after the Tet Offensive
Arch Douche Ferdinand: like the Highlander, there can be only one to survive this Thunderdome of douche, and it must be E-Blo. .
PhilthyPhil: Eblo, because I cant even put into words how much his run of pics bother me. I dont even need to be in his presence and I can feel the chaotic void he emits sucking the very spark of life from my soul. Eblo for the yearly imho. May satan have mercy on his soul.
Just barely beating out Crimson Ted, E-Blo and Brit have made it to the finals. But they’re also up against…
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Smoot and Crystal
From early September, witness the epic run: Pic #2, pic #3 , pic #4, pic #5, pic #6, pic #7, pic #8, pic #9, pic #10 with King D and pic #11.
Taking their semifinals bracket with surprising ease, not even Mack the Nozz and Francine could stop the Smoot express. The voters speak:
Discrete Harm of the Doucheoisie: Gotta be Smoot. That man is a volcanic pustule on this site’s visual landscape. And I’m pretty sure the Peloponnesian War was fought over less than Crystal tantalizing posterior.
KeirNotKier: Smoot is the archetype on douchebag. When I hear the term “douchebag” the image that appears in my head is that of Smoot. Smoot makes me want to show a photo of him to a philosophy professor and make them answer the immortal question “why”? And although she may be a level 4 Bleeth (she does have her tongue out in almost every picture she is in!), Crystal may be the hottest of the hott I have seen on the site.
Blair: Smoot is just so incredibly douchie. He cannot be denied. God, that guy makes me want to kill nuns.
Mitch: I voted for him back in September, and I’ll do it again. Smoot is the cover guy for Scrote Magazine.
Fat, Drunk and Douchey: Smoot FTW. He may be a generic douche who doesn’t do anything really special, kind of like the Packers in the ’60s, but he just does it that much better than everybody else.
doucheywallnuts: Smoot hands down. He embodies authentic Hall of Fame douchnesss in this picture.
Them’s your three.
Remember to think both of which douche represents all that was toxic about ‘baggery in 2009, and which hott(s) counterbalances that poo with sexiness and boobies.
Vote now.
EDIT: This is the only category of the day, so take your time if you need a moment to process the uberstank and decide. Also, after voting, maybe you can help me make sense out of HCwDB’s position on Wired’s hip and cutting edge “LOL Blog”, in which the “Hot Chicks with” ripoff sites are somehow funnier than HCwDB and “Look at this f-king Hipster” is more famous. Methinks not, Wired. But keep partying like it’s 1999.
Hottest Hott of the Year (Bracket 1)
The 2009 Douchie Awards continue with the category of Hottest Hott of the Year, with the biggie, the 2009 HCwDB of the Year, on tap for tomorrow.
(EDIT: Due to requests for other hott considerations, this will be Bracket 1 of 2. The second bracket will run on Wednesday)
Here’s your finalists:
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #1: Waxy McBrow’s Rachelle
From early May, Rachelle’s brunette curvy perfection cannot be understated, nor underdroolified.
Enjoy the curves in pics #2 and #3: Waxy and Goose and Waxy and Co.
Rachelle is too hott to be a Girl Next Door. Her smile causes pigeons to go into spontaneous molting. Her wrist tasks me to lick it uncontrollably.
Waxy McBrow is all that reeks of East Coast Douchery.
But Waxy is not up for this 2009 Douchie Award.
Rachelle, and her lively assets, are. And they are worthy indeed.
But enough to win 2009 Hottest Hott of the Year? Vegas has her at a solid 3:1. But then there’s …
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #2: The Bagpoleon’s Josephine
Appearing in early November and winning a Weekly, The Bagpoleon Complex’s Josephine remains a wonder of curvaceous natural perfection.
And even though Bagpoleon wrote in to bitch, we must honor his hott with a nomination.
Josephine’s second pic shows off her curves with even more aplomb.
And by aplomb, I mean aboobies.
While ‘Bagpoleon displays the dreaded Groin shave Reveal (GSR) and writes in with annoying douche-mail, he is not what is in consideration here.
Instead, we ponder Josephine. And 19th Century boobie literature.
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #3: Crabs McGee’s Minnie Von Shtup
Paid to Pose?
Perhaps.
But Minnie Von Shtup’s blank expression and perfect body have the angelic hymn of humpty hump.
She is the pouty ‘tude of art school dropout who gets her Cosmos for free and every door held open for her for twenty years.
And then she’s pissed when the gravy train slows down at 36.
But for now, Minnie is all that is golden about suckle thigh.
While Crabs McGee, like Bagpoleon, shows off his shorn testes in awful ways.
But this is about Minnie.
Can she fire up enough fantasies to both alert Freud and win the Hottest Hott category? There’s one more finalist to go:
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #4: Bucky’s Kathy Hott
It was either Kathy or Charleez for the final slot, and I let personal brunette biases (and perfect smile) sway me. Although it could’ve gone either way.
Kathy’s first party pics were here and here, and she made an immediate “Woo! Hottie” impression.
Then came her run with Bucky here, with Bucky’s crazy skillz. The Pain is Real. Buckster partys. And Buckster celebratin’.
Overly tanned?
Perhaps.
Glorious in every bitable way?
Most certainly.
This is always the hardest category of the Douchie Awards to select four finalists from, as hottness is so varied and suckle thigh. And while I tried not to let my preference for brunettes who’d look great in librarian glasses bias me, I didn’t quite succeed.
Hotterable mention to The Velvet Flog’s Denise who almost made it into this category. Because the DB1 wants to lick her kneecaps. ScroTep’s outrageously tasty hottie could’ve made the cut. I also wanted to include Grad School Melissa, but the plump (if highly gnawable) arm was just not enough.
So them’s your four. Four enter. Only one can be Hottest Hott of the Year.
Vote now.
HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 1
And so the 2009 Douchies begin. Bring it. Your A-Game. For the Yearly is here.
Here’s your HCwDB of the Year finalists for Bracket #1 (of 3):
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #1 (Bracket 1): The Ghoulbag and Tri-Hotts
The Ghoulbag was our first Monthly winner of 2009, back in February.
Often forgotten in the cylone of pudwhack that came down the track in his wake, the Ghoulbag reminds us of rocker douche and all that it suckily entails.
And what of the tri-hotts?
Quality fondle.
Impressive shoulder suckle.
Collegiate giggle pillow fights and talcum powder.
But really it’s the Ghoulbag who carries this pic to yearly status. Who the hell makes dual “rocker” hand gestures while wearing grillz, bling, and hat tilt?
A Yearly finalist. That’s who.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #2 (Bracket 1): Crosshair McJohnson and Leia
A raging guyliner wearing squat turd. Uber-pumped up muscles. And a sweet Latina hott.
Princess Leia Latina Orgaana and the Wookie with the Crosshair were major contenders from the start.
With their run of ancillary pics, here, here and here, they left no doubt.
Crosshair brings the frosted tips of true loaf to the game. Leia brings bitable stomach muscles and pouty lips of Latina fiery hottness.
But what cinches it is the doggie baggin’ pose.
Uber-taint.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #3 (Bracket 1): Anchor Chin and Raquel
From the moment Anchor Chin and Raquel first appeared back in May, it became apparent that this combination of sleazebucket and curvy princess had what it takes in HCwDB toxicity to go all the way.
Here they are in the yearly, with only one pic to rely on. That’s hottie/douchey dialectic.
But also with two very obvious assets at work.
Can Raquel’s anchors carry the greased up facial turditude of Anchor C. to an upset win?
The hottie/douchey poobaggery is strong with this one.
Boobs and chin pubes. They could very well make it.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #4 (Bracket 1): Bucky and Kathy Hott
Bucky got mad game, and he got crazy skillz. And he got Kathy Hott. And he’s gettin’ his party on. And celebratin’.
And now he’s in the Yearly.
From the moment his nuclear fission generating four-dimensional hat tilt ripped a hole in the space/time continuum, Bucky was poised for big things.
With tanned Kathy Hott, she of the glorious smile and tremendous tatines, the HC side was more than spectacularly filled, if slightly douchebaguette, as well.
Kathy Hott had her own party run here and here
But what sends Bucky over the top is the welding gloves.
Yup.
Bucky is Running with the Goose with welding gloves on.
So them’s your four, the first of our three semifinalist brackets to anoint our three finalists. Do not melt down from the pressure.
Be calm. Think hot chick. Think douche. Think which of these four couples is the most toxic and therefore the most worthy. And then vote.
Vote like you’ve never voted before.
Smoot Says "Grroooo"
HCwDB of the Year candidate and scoliosis sufferer, Smoot (without Crystal, on the right), has picked up the gauntlet thrown down by E-Blo on Friday by bringing in Hall of Scrote legend King Douchuous the IV to validate his chances.
As well as two Hoochie Blondes, a secondary douche, and Brothabag Vern. Who just wants to go home.
Yup. The Yearly is going to be a smackdown of epic proportions.
Just to get you ready, here are your HCwDB of the Year finalists who will be competing at the 2009 Douchies:
1. The Ghoulbag and Tri-Hotts
2. Crimson Ted and The Legs Girls
3. Crosshair McJohnson and Leia
4. Anchor Chin and Racquel
5. E-Blo and Brittney
6. Bucky and Kathy Hott
7. Smoot and Crystal
8. Mack the Nozzle and Francine
9. The Poopaloompa and Jane
10. Sir Sucks-a-Lot and Assorted Hotts (wildcard)
11. TBD
One round of three HCwDB of the Year semifinals (3 per), and then each winner in the finals.
Hmm. Eleven makes my job confusing, as I’m not sure how to break down into three groupings of preliminary voting to determine our final three couplings. May need to drop the bottom two from contention.
In the meantime, get ready. The 2009 Douchies are almost here.
Smoot Says “Grroooo”
HCwDB of the Year candidate and scoliosis sufferer, Smoot (without Crystal, on the right), has picked up the gauntlet thrown down by E-Blo on Friday by bringing in Hall of Scrote legend King Douchuous the IV to validate his chances.
As well as two Hoochie Blondes, a secondary douche, and Brothabag Vern. Who just wants to go home.
Yup. The Yearly is going to be a smackdown of epic proportions.
Just to get you ready, here are your HCwDB of the Year finalists who will be competing at the 2009 Douchies:
1. The Ghoulbag and Tri-Hotts
2. Crimson Ted and The Legs Girls
3. Crosshair McJohnson and Leia
4. Anchor Chin and Racquel
5. E-Blo and Brittney
6. Bucky and Kathy Hott
7. Smoot and Crystal
8. Mack the Nozzle and Francine
9. The Poopaloompa and Jane
10. Sir Sucks-a-Lot and Assorted Hotts (wildcard)
11. TBD
One round of three HCwDB of the Year semifinals (3 per), and then each winner in the finals.
Hmm. Eleven makes my job confusing, as I’m not sure how to break down into three groupings of preliminary voting to determine our final three couplings. May need to drop the bottom two from contention.
In the meantime, get ready. The 2009 Douchies are almost here.
Friday Thoughts and Links
A few points of order as The ‘Stachebagger gears up for Monday’s HCwDB of the Week.
This weekend, when I lose the hangover, I’ll be moving Bucky’s Kathy Hott to her well earned place in the Hall of Hott, and bumping Cheeto Man straight to the Closet of Poo.
Both have earned it through hard work, academic study, and lots of Red Bull.
Here’s your Friday Links:
This Ed Hardy Recipe Card is pretty accurate.
What recession? The Hamptonsbags are still partying.
“In my vagina two times he bites me!” But his teeths are very small.
My book is a guilty pleasure on Planet Tralfamador.
The HCwDB Wedding Ceremony? I actually think it was pretty hilarious. Here’s a Nottadouche and may it last more than five years (although I’m taking the under).
No matter what level of cool I achieve in life, I will never be Steve Buscemi in “New York Stories.”
And because I care deeply for your mental health after so many unholy hottie/scrotey couplings, here ya go, award winning Ass Pear.
Sail on silver girl.
