Search Results
HCwDB of the Week
Three enter. Three grated cheeses of masculinity in crisis with boobie lovin drizzle drip. Only one cohabit may rise like the ladies who lunch. Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Starhawk and Maggie
The Starhawk is all that is poo in Peoria.
Maggie is all that is curvy hard work in a tough economy for hotties.
But together, are they simple club posing fraud crapatula? Or does the Starhawkian douche overwhelm and Maggie’s quality curves combine enough to win the Weekly and make the Monthly?
And lets not forget the formal Starhawk Puts On a Tie, as he attempts to charm the curvy and delightful Quartasian Anne.
Has your humble narrator been overusing the use of “Star” in our naming conventions?
Perhaps.
But ne’re has it been more accurate, either.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Starry Blight and Hello Kat, aka The King of Sears
Hello Kat is both extremely bagongle curvy as well as the dreaded Stage-4 Bleeth, which means a female douchebaguette incapable of redemption thanks to too many hours in the Vegas Scrotelight.
The Starry Blight, aka The King of Sears (dubbed by mr.reeve), is all that is asskickworthy about Pompano. And lets not forget to factor in the Constellation of Poo.
The Blight and Kat make our second potential “Paid to HCwDB” exhibitionism. Which, don’t get me wrong, still completely qualifies for site mocking as true HCwDB. But whether actual shtupping is going on is possibly less likely, and therefore less toxic as a visual cohabitation.
Still, the Star Blight, like the Starhawk before him, lights the way to toilet flush.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters
The ‘Baggle Axe makes the Weekly on account of innovation, douche style points, and the toxic and dreaded Groin Shave Reveal.
The Marissa Sisters, a bit unfairly maligned the first time they appeared, are exactly the level of real world purity hottness that deserves to be protected from scrotepoo like Mr. ‘Baggle.
Combined, however, are they enough to defeat the clusters of Starcrust in our first two finalists?
That remains to be seen.
(Dis)honorable mention to Miami Bleach, Gunter and Sven’s Alien, Meow Tse Dung, and the crypto gaybaggery of Prince Warren Assholian. And Elizabeth from Larry the Claims Processor Holds on to 45 As Long as he Can will be up for the Hall of Hott later this week, but Larry just wasn’t douchey enough to make the finals.
So them’s your three.
Three couples enter. Only one may float like a turdfly and shwing like a pee.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Friday Haiku
Thursday’s Starry Blight,
Has gone Supernova Poo,
A Red Dwarf of taint.
Professor Neckbeads
Will not be deterred, no no
Will bang somebody
— saulgoode42
Somewhere in Japan
The original Hello
Kitty prays for death.
— Mr. White
On the count of three
Everyone give me their best
Anal rape grimace.
— Crucial Head
Standard template for
greased beaded double Big Mac
McDonalds sandwich.
— Bag Margera
If this is indeed
An Encore as cups suggest,
Glad I missed the show
— the douche is alright
Air is thick with haze
from bodyspray and B.O.
Do I smell tuna?
— Bagnonymous
Poolside in Vegas
Five friends live large. They’d better.
Break’s over in ten.
— Mr. Scrotato Head
Douchiest Douche-Face: Tighty-Whitey Douche
Douchey Wallnuts hands out the award:
——
Eleven months, over 50 candidates. Poo, poo everywhere and what a mighty stink… Going back to the beginning of 2011 and coming up with this list was an eye-melting, brain cell-killing experience that had me reaching for the promotional sized bottle of Maker’s Mark, while I wept for the magnitude of the Societal Loss on display on these web pages.
My criteria was simple, if they appeared in a picture and had been given a nickname they were eligible. There were rare exceptions where the face was so punchable that I decided to give them a name and enter it into my Douche-Face Analyzer. I was able to whittle the list down to a manageable 6 candidates.
Which brings me to my first nominee, Tighty-Whitey Douche who appeared in a group picture in November. You can see why he made the cut.
The Herpster. He makes me hate, as do all good (bad) douche-faces. I’d love to make his head tlit permanent via a broken neck.
A. Samuels. This is a video entry, which makes his face more douchey and more frightening. Not only should A. Samuels get punched in the face, he should get stomach cancer.
Gynochin. In the monthly winner comments Dude McCrudeshoes said it best, when he recognized Gyno’s “impressive body of work.” Societal Loss at its best.
Too Tight Tony. He embodies all the classic symptoms of the Grieco Virus, while toiling in relative anonymity in Middle Douche-Earth. No need for any other pictures of this guy. He doesn’t have to win a monthly. He represents all the one-shot, randoms on the site.
Hello Kitty Hott. Since we are equal opportunity mockers I see no reason why we shouldn’t include a female nominee in this catregory. She’s made many appearances, but deserves a full-on punch in the face for her douchette-face and for her taste in men.
And the winner is….
Tighty-Whitey Douche is the recipient of this year’s Douchiest Douche Face Award. A face you would kill, on top of all of the de rigeur douchebag elements.
Groin Shave Reveal, bathing trunks that make him look like a total dick, bleeth that is both hot and tranny-like and a complimentary douche-bleeth couple who are borderline award-worthy in their own right.
He didn’t need to make a overly “facey” face or execute a contrived “for-the-picture” expression; his face in its natural state is the epitome of douchey.
———
HCwDB of the Month
Four quality finalists of hottie/douchey mucktimuck. The prelims are over. And while we won’t see this douche until the next Weekly, it’s time for you to bring it. It’s the HCwDB of the Month.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Smugger John and Valencia
Chalk up the Smugger for “real world” ‘baggery, and Valencia for Emanuelle level female self exploration of budding sexuality.
The Smugger was an unlikely victor in the Weekly, but the Monthly is a much bigger fry to cook. And by fry, I mean underwear reveal, and by cook, I mean mock like it’s a buttcheek wart.
The Monthly is, of course, the last step to competing at the 2010 Douchie Awards in December for the HCwDB of the Year.
Can the Smugger and Valencia compete?
Perhaps. For Valencia’s leg boots are quality gnaw.
But that brings us to choice #2:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The ‘Baggle Axe and Marissa Sisters
The ‘Baggle Axe took down the heavy favorites in his Weekly (The Stars Hawk and Blight)
Pretty impressive ‘Baggle Axer with bonus toxic groin shave. But enough to take the Monthly? That remains to be seen.
On the Hott side of the equation, The Marissa Sisters are real world Philadelphia giggle.
Especially you, Marissa #1 on the left. How I would pooch your glutes and slap a whisky glass with a dead halibut just for the chance to harmonize your convergence.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Jebus, Mary and Broseph
Who could forget The Jebus and Mary Stain, and The Semen on the Mount?
Our creepy Euro party coupling of the Monthly, the Jebus and Mary Stain is all sorts of cultural blight iconography.
Perhaps.
But The Passion of the Crust is all sorts of mockable club scrotewankery.
Shirtless, pouty, rich trust fund asswipery at work in the overpriced Grey Goose ordering purgatorio of Euro ambivalence.
It’s enough to make me slap a Romanian baker and ask for change.
And Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of accent. Let me gnaw. Let me gnaw.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Mountinis and Kimberly
Blame Canada. When Fred and Jed Mountini go for Appletinis, all hope is lost.
Our Canadian entry in the Monthly, these three Northern Blights represent all that has gone wrong in our friendly Canucks of the North.
Are they performative spectacle? Perhaps. But that is no excuse for Fred Mountini’s ridiculous hair. And while we can’t get a great look at Kimberly, her hott factor is legit.
But lest your humble narrator ramble any more on this Monday after he returned from the Cape, let me turn it over to you.
Which of these four Weekly winners brings both toxic douchosity and delightful hotticity in combo enough to win the Weekly and compete in the Yearly?
Vote, as always, with your reasons in the comments thread.
If you still haven’t created a profile on the site so you can vote with confidence, you can set up a profile here.
