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Cheez Louise
I can’t tell which part of Cheez’s move is more impressive. The double boob arm lock, or his ability to disappear his lower torso.
And lest I hear cries of photoshop, this is very much a real hottie mugging.
That being said, lack of douche-face, chinstrap and ‘bag hand gesture means I’m gonna be generous and downgrade Cheez to only a stage-2 offense.
This time.
But trouble is on the horizon.
HCwDB of the Week
Your humble narrator spent the weekend in deep meditative repose. What did I learn? That Mad Men needs more Peyton List.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Tony the Mack and Paulina
Tony and Paulina might not have made it if not for pic #2. That mauling by furry chin deserves Weekly consideration.
Tony brings understated douchal silk shirted game to the Weekly.
And by understated, I mean four buttons leading to two buttons, leading to chin pube.
And the alien in the TV helps compliment the curvy grabbitude of Paulina’s lithe shoulder suckle tenderness.
I would lick and grab with great aplomb.
Which would, of course, make it macking, and therefore I would become my own version of Tony.
Which is the douchal conundrum. The mobius strip, if you will, of douchadox. Sponsored by Axe.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The ‘Barrowbag and Alana
Matt Florian, aka “The ‘Barrowbag,” was first featured in Friday’s Haiku, but the general wrongness of this pic stayed with me through the weekend like a festering toe-jam bruise.
As such, I’m tossing it in the Weekly and seeing where it flushes.
Alana has the arched back and firm thighs of prime childbearing years. I would reward her for her genetic gifts with flowers from Parisian hot houses, natural organic honeys from Paraguay, and myself, humping her childhood teddybear when she was in the kitchen getting us tea.
Finally, we’ve seen shirtless douchebaggery in bars, clubs, and all sorts of places.
But I need a ruling here.
Is shirtlessness in a bathroom while doggie ‘bagging still a place where shirtlessness should not occur? It is the bathroom, after all.
I still vote gach.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Kevin’s Wild Years
It’s not just the swirly hair, the rosarie beads and the punchable chinstrap on Kevin, as he mugs Cambridge Rachel.
Well, yes, I suppose it is all of those things.
But it’s also the air of quiet desperation.
We see it even more pronounced in pic #2.
I feel for Kevin.
And not just because he reminds me of every Boston Irish kid from Southie or the Point who started drinking at twelve to block out their parental neglect and limited life prospects.
But I mock douche macking on hott. And Kevin Flynn from Boston is most certainly mockworthy.
Wicked.
I’m eliminating the tragicomic orangeness of The Agonizer on account of potential gaybaggery and a lack of true hott, and general stomach churning nastiness. Instead, I’m moving that mess directly to the Closet of Poo.
Also just missing the cut was The Appendix Lick. And while the gorgeosity of Musika Boobsenfeld in Zombieland has brought calls for Hall of Hott, I’m not ready to award that just yet. Nor could the pic really make the Weekly, with the three average scrotes hanging off her bosom chords.
So which of these three deserve to win the Weekly?
You know what to do.
Cast your vote in the comments thread.
The Long Island Standards
Just your average all suburban stage-1 HCwDB.
Standard issue Long Island Choad rubbing up on a standard issue Long Island Bounce Girl.
They’ll get married and have standard issue annoying kids that they’ll cart around in CostCo while buying standard issue food. Wow. This narrative is depressing me.
Nothing overwhelmingly douchey.
Well, maybe that chinstrap.
The Chinchilla
Oh, Linda.
How bold you think you are dating The Chinchilla. How daddy suffers for your wayward ways.
His chinstrappy gray vest / silk t-shirt wearing smug douche-pouty choaditude convinced you he was “dangerous.” He “slappa the bass” in his Clash tribute band, “Cock the Casbah,” during open-mic-night at the Beer Shack. And it was rad.
Such a poor choice, Linda. But I will forgive you.
By awkwardly fondling your outer thigh area with a fly swatter and a jar of mustard.
HCwDB of the Month
Here it is. The Monthly.
The point at which the last four hottie/douchey Weekly Winners must now compete for a coveted slot in the HCwDB of the Year at the annual Douchie Awards in December. This is where you vote. You pic. You smack that pud.
I turn the court over to you, and humbly present the Final Four. Here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Guido Buttchinsky and Tonya
Words that rhyme with “orange” include:
1. shmorange
2. Chlorange
3. Gorgonrange
4. Jerz Guid
A triple A/X play (belt, shirt, headband) sends Mr. Buttchinsky from the merely douchey into the scrotally sublime.
Tonya and her Big Gulp are everyday girl next door cute. Tonya’s friend/mom has furry coat.
Together they not only sandwich the Orange, but the background lighting actually is orange.
That alone renders this pic worth all of our collective meditation on.
But the coupling itself is weak. Is the Guido/Tonya cohabit rankling enough to win the Monthly? We shall see.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: E-Blo and Assorted Lady Friends
Lets remember the legendary run. Pics 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.
I used to believe that a true HCwDB pic should stand on its own as a singular piece of scrotal art. But I now allow for a body of work to influence a larger ascendance. And by body of work, I mean receding hair gelled forward.
Each pic of the Electric Blight Orchestra helped further complete this comprehensive portrait of blank.
This canvass of null.
This void of noid.
E-Blo has become a legend of both female grope and vacant, nihilist stare of a future of bleakness and human decline.
But what of Britney? She is sweet and wholesome, but also awkward.
And what of the green Gatorade? Will it be drank?
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Lumpy
I’ve made an executive decision to swap out HCwDB winner Tudo with Lumpy, who was the close runner-up to Guido Buttchinksy and deserves his own shot in the Monthly.
Something about Tudo’s pro-Vegas genericism just seemed wrong. So I made the decision to bring back the uberhottitude of Steph.
And the increasingly greasingly Lumpy.
lets not forget the Lumpster’s run with blonde hott and Ass Pear here and here.
Lumpy Ass Pear alone might qualify for a 2009 Douchie Award for its artistic composition.
Besides. I needed to look at Steph again. Judge me if you must. But she tingles my nethers and enhances my coital potential.
Lumpy is regular guy real-world douchitude. And Steph is the hottest of the four hotts. Can she carry his Lumpiness to an upset here in the Monthly?
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Krackenbag and Candice (Candace)
The Krackenbag, long an anonymous uber-douche in the shadow of the legendary Joey Porsche, now steps out and claims his own Weekly.
Check the checklist:
1. Chest shavey reveal
2. Chinstrap
3. Gelled up Long Island Blowout
4. Punchable douche-face
But is Candice aka Candace enough on the hott scale?
Her understated boobs and come-hither stare all suggest a hottness well worth celebrating.
But, as with every great HCwDB pic, the question is the cohabitation. The hottie/douchey dialectics.
Which of these four pics brings enough schroad-kill and boob-hott to create a toxic wrongness that rises to the top (bottom) to win (lose) the prize?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Maria and Future Gas Attendant Union Member #304
Clearly we have an uberdouche of chinstrapfung proportions. Of that there can be no debate. His ant-line chin fung deserves mock.
But what to make of Maria? Part of me is convinced she is plump lipped tasty boobed phenomenal hottitude.
Other parts of me are thrown by the excessive makeup.
Heck with it.
It’s Saturday and I’m already cracked into my fourth PBR. I’m a’goin’ with it. I vote Hot Chick.
HCwDB of the Week: Guido Buttchinsky
From the moment his orangeness appeared, G.B. was a throwback douche. Classic 2005-2006 vintage Long Island Scrotitude. And his late-entry second pic showed even more chinfungal scrote.
But there was a problem. Did Tonya and her older-sister/mom bring the hott enough to complete the HCwDB? It was tough. But The Kitchenbag and Lumpy and Steph split the remaining vote, allowing Buttchinsky to take the Weekly with a solid win.
The voters speak:
Dr. Howie Feltersnatch: It is my professional opinion that Mr. Chinsky is the biggest bag this week. Guido Butt has quite the arrogant chin.
Reno Von Bergmann: GUIDO FTW. Even his taint is orange.
Anonymous: Guido Buttchinsky FTW! Lumpy has the matching belt buckle and necklace but Guido has a triple match going on. Belt buckle, T-shirt and mandana to partially cover up his greasy ‘mark of the bag’. That’s enough to make him a shoe in for the weekly.
Anonymous: Guido Buttchinsky – because when having an A|X belt isn’t douchey enough, he knows to clip his phone to it. Hott on the left looks like Eliza Dushku.
Medusa Oblongata: Purely on classic peacocking and ostentatious douchewankery, I hereby cast my vote for Guido. His roomy but seemingly friendly galpals are ignorant of the inner turmoil belied by his autofellating and insecure preening. They smile for the camera, unaware of the sinister orange tint that follows him, like an evil aura.
Katie: i’m a HCwDB of the week voting virgin but i just had to this week..the over accessorized long island guido, complete with the staten island mommy-daughter bookends, is clearly the champ. if i ever see this guy i’m gonna walk up to him a kick him in the nuts.
RAPETIME: And then there is Guido. He is the original vector, Patient X of the Grieco virus. As you can see from the picture, everywhere he has walked, the whole world has turned orange. He sports the traditional and ancient marks of his kind, the Chinstrap, Spikes, the holy Mandana. He bears the trappings of Armani Exchange into his daily combat with the world. This creature was not born but was spawned, like Venus from the half-shell, as a fully formed and perfect douche.
sir douchealot: Has to be Guido FTW. Every now and then we need a straight classic douchebag to regain our focus on the mission. A lower level douchebag does not gain points for having the hotter and less clothed hott! For looking like he drank too much Tang while wrangling Jersey douches at the local Armani Exchange outlet store during a hurricane (causing his hair to explode, of course), I say Guido. Tool.
Well said team, but I remain convinced that Tonya deserves better. She is damn cute, and points should not be deducted for it being Winter. A more flattering pic, and she’d be getting equal love to Meghan, and without the food-baby-bump.
Coming in a solid second, and nearly winning the whole thing, the Kitchenbag and his Preggers Meghan:
Patrick: While the douche is strong with butchinsky….they fact that there is a possibility that The Kitchenbag impregnated the lovely Meghan makes my insides scream with disgust.
memphis doucheworkers local 421: kitchenbag. for continuing excellence in the field of tat-shirt continuity theory
Tracie: kitchenbag FTW. The combo of 1000 yard stare, hideous shirt & tats, thousands of hours at the gym and that orange glow are just completely over the top of the douchey scale.
Scrotie and the Bandit: Highlighted fauxhawk, arm tatt with images from horror movies, textbook bag adornments (tatt-inspired T-Shirt and cross…), and a Hott with a baby bump wearing a party wristband! This bag has it all! Kitchenbag FTW.
Indeed, and the Kitchenbag will most certainly be seen at the 2009 Douchie Awards in December. Yet, even despite the A-List hottness that is Steph, Lumpy was too generic to take the prize:
JJF: Lumpy FTW hands down. Although Guido and KB are indeed prime specimens of glorious douche, Guido’s hotts are nothing more than PATH trash bleeth hags, and Meghan is a little funny looking and possibly preggers. Lumpy exudes an understated air of douchal sophistication that says, “I don’t need to try that hard, because Steph is so face-meltingly, unbleethedly hot and eager to get away from me that this isn’t even a contest.”
Massa-douchetts: Lumpy FTW – the dichotomy is too strong to ignore. He may not be as douchy as Kitchen ‘Bag but she’s way hotter than Megan.
True, and in a lesser week, Lumpy and Steph would’ve won. But this was one of the toughest Weeklies in… well… weeks. Vin Douchal explains why Mr. Buttchinsky deserves the win:
Do not deny Guido Buttchinsky a win due to the lack of hotts. They are both hot: Big Gulp Tanya is normal sized but looks big next to this skinny wimp and that’s not her mom. As any east coast dude will tell you, we don’t need a gal to be in a bikini to check her out, we get good at sizing up gals while bundled up in winter clothes out of sheer necessity.
I’ll take them as the bread in a Vin Douchal sandwich . Guido Buttchinsky FTW as he makes Orangina jealous
Indeed he does make Orangina jealous, well said Vinny D. Lets let the everpresent Anonymous takes us home:
Guido FTW. He is the reason I spend the extra bucks to fly into LaGuardia instead of Newark.
And for that, mark a slot in the Monthly for this Long Island Big Gulp of Orange.
Guido Buttchinsky Wants Your Vote
Guido Buttchinsky and Tonya want your vote in the HCwDB of the Week (see below).
They want it so badly, she’s crossing her eyes for luck and he’s changing his last name to “Buttchinstrappy.”
HCwDB of the Week: Tudo and Nicole
Classic Vegas Tongue Lick it is. In a landslide of skeeze. The voters speak:
Douche Springsteen: Tudo FTW. MMA fighter or not, I will mock him from the safety of my laptop. He wins because Nicole is clearly not into being licked. The other finalists’ hotts wouldn’t mind a subhumanoid tongue caressing their faces, hell they would most likely revel in it. But while Nicole’s lips are smiling, her eyes tell us that in her mind she has escaped to a world where tattoos are tasteful, Ed Hardy is just another name, and straps aren’t on chins but merely something you use to keep sandals on your feet. We’ll get there someday, we’ll get there.
notadouche: Tudo is the most ridiculous. Tudo is the most deserving of a shovel to the face. Tudo FTW.
Billdouchiest the Wild Swine: Is it just my imagination or does Tudo’s head look like Sasha Baron Cohen’s left nut just before it came in contact with Eminem’s forehead?
Douchey Smirf: Turdo. Because he’s the real deal.
Anonymous: I must go with Tudo.The chin strap, the sun glasses, the hottie lick, and the tats on the juiced out frame…Humanity has no hope!!
Froggy: Tudo on the other hand pulled trigger on all white oakleys, a chinstrap, douche tats and highly aggressive choad antics. And for that, he gets my vote.
Double O Douche: TUDO FTW he’s douche poo and he gave that bitch a scooby
Emma G: Tudo FTW, he reminds me of the steaming turd Chet turns into in Weird Science. True story.
Skypork: Tudo makes this contest too easy. My bet is that he woke up the morning of that party determined to win the weekly. Even though Milky Hott is the Hottest Hott, it is Tudo’s sphincter-clenching scrotism is responsible for my badly cracked computer monitor, and therefor he gets the vote.
Anonymous: Tudo taps out blond Sara with mixed douchal arts scrote tongue.
jonezy: Tudo FTW. HCwDB maneuver of the year = HottLick. DeathTongue proves to be a forebearer of worse things to come. If Tudo wins this weekly, I don’t see another douche maneuver strong enough to take a Douchy- and we’re only in June.
Excellent point Jonezy, the Hott Lick may be the go-to douche move of 2009, replacing the doggie ‘bag. Well argued all around, panel, and the bling plus chinstrap plus douche-lick plus sunglasses were all too mock-worthy to ignore. But Ezekiel and Chiquita Hott put up a tough fight.
I R A Darth Auggie: I’m going with Ezekiel and the Chiquita Hott. Mostly ’cause she’s mostly nekkid, but also because I have this vision of grabbing the Corona out of Zeek’s hand and beating him with it, then politely asking Chiquita to go somewhere quiet and working on the bottle of Goose.
Anonymous: Ezekiel FTW, because his shirt looks like the floormats in my truck, and Chiquita Hott is trashy in all the right places. Also I’m a bitch for a good Hindu reference.
Dougal McDouche: ezekiel and the hottest piece of ass ever for the win. the 200 degree hat tilt, and the gayest tank top shouldnt be in the same state not to mention street as chiquita hot. i would do terrible unforgiveable things to get with her.
Many of us would, Dougal McD. Coming in third but with solid support, Milky McMuscle, who also found mockers for bringing the frat-turdery into play.
Ashfish: McMuscle makes me want to punch Snuffalufagus in the throat. And he’s my favorite. Do you see the evils this douche causes?! His hot reminds me of a dear friend of mine. She’s cute like this girl, and sometimes I question just how much damage that blond dye has done. This girl’s got the same look in her eyes. Like a slightly retarded baby deer lost in the woods. It needs to be cuddled, and protected from the diseased and ill-equipped stag in the pack.
Joumasedouche: Milky McMuscle ftw. His douchebaggery attracts meteors to our lonely planet.
Mr. Biggs: Milky McMuscle for the win. The hott is like a complete timeline of all the feminine stages from innocent hott to total bleethdom, all in one snapshot. All caused by the poopile on the right. For that, it’s a win on creativity and uniqueness.
Well said, but McMuscle’s potential “dress-up” definitely cost him votes. In the end, it was classic Vegas scrotewankery on hott that took the prize this week. The everpresent Anonymous takes us home:
Tudo is that agro-douche that you see at the bar when you go to watch UFC 97. He’s head locking his friends and pushing them around all while wearing at tap-out hat with 10′ tilt. You step in front of him to see the TV. during the main event. By now he’s hammered and because he’s shorter than you your in his way. He starts mouthing off and shoving you, trying to start a fight. Fortunately the bouncer tosses him out on his ass as the whole world should. While we cannot see Blondie’s body her neck is succulent, her skin is radiant, her helpless innocence is to be cherished.
Yes. Yes it is, anonymous commenter person.
Chalk up the ass-head lickiness of Tudo and Nicole for the Monthly. For theirs is a well earned lick.
HCwDB of the Week
Seeing Eminem teabagged by Sacha Baron Cohen on the network of my future home brought me a wonderful sense of zen joy last night. Both Eminem and Baron Cohen traffic in multiple identity constructions, so to watch them collide in absurdity had a certain significance. Bruno’s butthole speaking eloquently to the chaos underneath the best laid plans of mice and networks.
Staged? Perhaps. But funny nonetheless. And the Ben Stiller tribute with Triumph, Kiefer Sutherland and Zac Efron was sheer genius.
It is June 1st. A new month. A new Weekly. My socks are washed and my coffee is relatively flavorful this morning as your humble narrator arises in New York City. The show starts less than three weeks away.
But before then, there are ‘bags to be mocked. And girls to be enjoyed for their unearned genetic merit. And away we go:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Milky McMuscle
A joke? Perhaps.
Like Bruno via Borat via Baron Cohen, is Milky a simulation of a stereotype of an echo of a putz?
Is this clown at a party impressing the ladies with some bizarro irono-baggery that is very much authentodouchewankerry?
Perhaps. But when the image becomes the real, we find douche.
I am pleased that Lithe Erika is finally getting the love that she deserves on the site. As pictured here and here, Milky Hott is a tiny, bouncy, slender bottle of hott water that we can all visually partake in drinking.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Ezekiel and the Chiquita Hott, aka Friday Haiku
The ancient Hindu mystics would argue that 170 degree hat tilt actually forms a “third eye” upon this douchewank’s forehead.
Note the meditative formation between the large sunglasses-aided eyes and the half circle through the hat on the forehead.
Like Shiva before him, Ezekiel seeks spiritual guidance in the only place American culture offers it: Name brand vodka and overpriced articles of clothing.
And what do we make of tiny Chiquita Hott?
Her smug sneer and ‘tude suggest a stage-4 Bleeth. Unredeemable. Lost to the Douche Virus forever.
Yet her belly asks me to make “barrrruummppp!!” noises on it after drizzling honey onto it and sprinkling with a dash of cinammon.
And so we find hottie/douchey dialectic.
But enough to win the Weekly? We shall see.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tudo
Tudo see?
Tudo lick.
This pic just missed the cut in last week’s Weekly, and looking at this skeezy Vegas licking of hott, I think it deserves its own shot.
So I’m throwing Tudo into the mix this week.
Some say Tudo is a famous MMA fighter. I say anyone who gets an arbitrary tatt crawling up their shoulder like a brain addled beetle deserves the mock.
And bald head + chinstrap.
Seriously. Bald head + chinstrap.
Nicole is sweet and lickable. But not by Tudo. For he is choad.
So them’s your four. It was a light week last week, so really no near finalists. These are your three.
Which has both hott and douche in unholy cohabitation to earn the HCwDB of the Week?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
