HCwDB of the Month
You know what needs to be done.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Mack the Nozzle and Francine
What more can be said?
Pierced up and ridiculously tatted reality TV something-or-other uberclown meets sweet n’ hotter blonde Popsicle hott in a garment rending collision of taint.
It’s like the WWE Smackdown of hottie/douchey commingling.
And what of pics 2, pic 3 and pic 4?
It is the dance of choad.
The Clash of the Tit-ans.
Yeah, I just wrote “Clash of the Tit-ans.”
Because I’m ready to get down on the metaphoric pun dance floor.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Crabs McGee and Minnie Von Shtup
Groin Shave Reveal. GSR may be one of the most depressing new douchal innovations of 2009. And Crabs brings it with backpack, single white glove, and ridiculously overdeveloped abs.
Energy suppliment ad or no, this pic offers just way too much visible taint-line to not be mocked unmercifully.
Or is that unmercilessly?
Hells, I don’t know.
I do know that I would do naughty things to Minnie’s neck area using only chopsticks and special kimchi dishes prepared in rural South Korea.
Minnie has scoliosis? Perhaps.
But I would forgive her her skeletal difficulties and discuss whether it was Joyce or Borges who truly ushered in the limits of subjectivity in modern literature. She would think I was pretentious, which of course I am. And then I would hump her leg.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Hipsterbag, aka Hipster Frank
It is not easy downgrading from the uberspectacle HCwDBs of our first two finalists to this real world scrotal pudwhack.
Hipster Frank is nothing outrageous. But that only makes his pudholery more mock worthy.
Brenda and Wanda are real world ladies, with sultry brunette Brenda bringing Quartasian hottness to the mix.
Notice the jangley bling. The d-neck shirty. The glasses at night.
Do not underestimate real world pooery. It may not be pro spectacle like our first two choices. But it is in many ways even more insidious.
Williamsburg? Austin? The Mission in San Francisco? Enclaves of Hipster douche. You’re on notice. HCwDB will mock your ass for throwing that cheez-it game, just as we mock the Jerz Puds.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Shiny Head Sheldon and Sienna
Our second “real world” HCwDB, or perhaps a schrod who operates liminally, between Hipsterbag reality and Crabs McGee spectacle.
SHS brings two factors that make him the official dark horse with a chance of upset in this contest:
1. Enough bling jangle to annoy Hellen Keller.
2. The ultra tasty purity of Sienna, burning brightly singing songs about bluebirds and cupcakes and thigh rubbing.
Notice SHS’s shiny-ass head.
Notice the douche-sneer.
Punch your monitor yet? You will. Keep staring.
So them’s your four. Two performative spectacle dress-up douches with bottle blonde princesses. Two “real world” douches with real world hott brunettes (and one BFF).
What to do, what to do? Who shall win the coveted slot in the Yearly at the 2009 Douchie Awards in December?
That, fellow hunters and huntresses, is why I rely on you. It’s why I got my ass up early today to write this. Do not let me down. Vote, as always, for your choice in the comments thread.
Scooter Sucks Alpaca Testes
WARNING: Enough Choad to kill a small shetland pony.
I do enjoy the two people playing a skyscraper version of “Dance Douche Revolution.”
Reader Mail: He'd Come and Haha on My Ass
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so let me get this all straight. all u do is make fun of people on the internet all day?? ya real cool, asshole. . i’d kick your ass if i ever saw you but i won’t because u woldnt hang with my peeps for a f@ckin day before one of us had to kick ur ass for bein such a fukn faggot!! ur lucky id on’t know where you live or i’d come and haha on your ass
bitch. suck me. then fkn die.
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So should I suck you and then fkn die? What if I fkn die first? Would you still haha on my ass?
Reader Mail: He’d Come and Haha on My Ass
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so let me get this all straight. all u do is make fun of people on the internet all day?? ya real cool, asshole. . i’d kick your ass if i ever saw you but i won’t because u woldnt hang with my peeps for a f@ckin day before one of us had to kick ur ass for bein such a fukn faggot!! ur lucky id on’t know where you live or i’d come and haha on your ass
bitch. suck me. then fkn die.
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So should I suck you and then fkn die? What if I fkn die first? Would you still haha on my ass?
Luke Skykumquat
It’s like Luke Skywalker mated with a kumquat and the kid from Deliverance, overtanned, removed a piece of his jaw via surgery, then went out and kidnapped the hottest girl in Baton Rouge at gunpoint.
Or something like that.
It’s Saturday. Give the DB1 a break. Today’s creativity will focus more on Advil and coffee.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Today is the first day of shooting on Season #2 of your humble narrator’s show, Is She Really Going Out With Him? That’s right, bitches. Twenty more eps of HCwDB will hit the airwaves beginning in January.
I am psyched with the job the casting team did finding the HCwDB couples out there. We have some amazingly clueless ‘bags in the pipeline, and I look forward to unleashing more choad mocking from inside the televisual beast.
Friday finds me pondering detachment. How often we simulate or recreate the authentic experience in the hopes of achieving it, only to find the moments seem alien. Estranged. Outside of ourselves. How often do we work so hard to “have fun,” only to think to ourselves, “I should be enjoying this more! Why aren’t I?” We live in a state of overstimulated perpetual emotional crisis, whipped into a socialized frenzy of dissatisfaction. Whose twitching nerve endings are fed on by private industry in the marketplace of advertising like so many hungry Mynocks chewing on power cables. I can’t help but wonder what a century of the industrial age, over a hundred years now of machine into computer into virtual recreation has done to fragment our constructions into a dozen competing states of uncanny estrangement. Our bought and sold hyperreality now rendering our experience of the real forever incomplete.
But hey. That’s what alcohol’s for. Here’s your links:
The oldest evidence of HCwDB uncovered to date. Yes, even older than Mickey Rourke.
In ‘Barely Celebrity News’: Spencer Pratt Barely Having Sex With Heidi Montag. This… is CNN.
The greatest overlooked acting performance of the 1990s remains the genius that was Jon Voight in Anaconda.
The perfect wedding gift for that truly douchey couple.
I’ve been doing my best to ignore the performance art that is Arthur Kade, but somehow creepy Vegas Eyebrowless Guy showed up on his site. It’s all coming together. Like a game of douche Jenga.
IFC finally produces something worth TiVo-ing.
Five Washington State barristas give new meaning to the term ‘cream with my coffee.’
Retarded rappers are funny. But never go full retard.
Christina, my fourth future ex-wife, who gave Kirk Cameron that righteous smackdown, makes strange videos playing with cats. I would lightly massage her middle thigh area with melted candle wax, silly putty and a raspberry spritzer until she grew bored and called her large Romanian brother over to have me deported to Anshluss.
And finally, because you’ve spent another week doing your civic duty (mocking choad and lusting hott)… you’ve earned it.
Sink your teeth into that, and celebrate the weekend in style.
Meet Joe Douche is Still Out There, Still Orange
HCwDB legend, 2007 HCwDB of the Week Winner, and quasi-reality TV something, Meet Joe Douche is still in the game.
Still rubbing up on quality hotts with cheezy bling, Blackberry on table and blowout hairspike.
For that we must respek. And by respek, I mean continue to mock his scrotey clownish ass.
Fun With Depth of Field
That “Way too Crazy” post just wasn’t as funny this morning as it seemed to me last night, so I’m blowing it away. Because it’s Friday. And it’s my site. And I can do things like that.
Instead, here’s the douchal version of the genius Kids in the Hall sketch, I’m Crushing Your Head.
Only with Ass Pear.
Friday Haiku
Crotch Hardy? Hardly.
Magic, Criss Angel style,
Poo dump on culture.
Never fear my sweet,
Poo-dini is here to say
Mom’s basement is cold
— saulgoode42
Clockwork Orange douche,
close your arms and go away.
Britney, open yours.
— Father Guido Sardouchey
Gay-Bag Scrote appears
His eyes adjust to the light
Your not Fred he screams
— Douche shower and shave
Goth douchenozzle sucks
Dressed like a gay vampire bat
Blond causes tumescence
— The Douche Abides
Stovepipe hat cooks brain
Skull betrays mini bone ‘neath
Hott wants panties back.
— Crucial Head
Magic Hoverbag
But Hi-Ho the derio
This cheese stands alone
— Vin Douchal
In a new PETA
ad, Matt Stafford hopes to help
malnourished bunnies.
— “Lesbian Thermos” Ernie Tubesock
Little Timmy Thanks God
“This is, like, the best Halloween party EVER! Wait’ll I tell the boys on 4chan!”
