Flonzie
Flonzie isn’t doing anything too offensive in presence of sultry brunettes.
But do not be fooled. Flonzie is “Average Choad.” Stage 1 maybe, but Average Choad nonetheless.
Pouty Tammy on the right, oh how I would lightly but with great emotion powder your bare bottom. With bosco sauce and epsom salts. And a dash of baking soda.
I would powder each cheek whilst in deep repose and pensive thought. I would meditate on the subjective limitations of the mortal coil and the crisis of modernity as I powder lightly but with persistent firmness.
And I would not forget your BFF, Patrice. She, too, would receive butt powdering. For I am egalitarian like that.
Freddie Hustler
Freddiy’s a perfect example of the stage-1 Hustlerdouche. Bordering on stage-2 offenses, but with no hand gestures, and no garish tatts/bling, Freddie’s still safely in the 1 zone.
You go with your unvarnished wood paneled studly self, Freddie H.
Suzanna’s working the double shift, and her tired eyes betray a world weariness, that, if you ply her with enough drinks Freddie, you might have a story to tell the bros.
Then again, probably not.
Stage 1 Douche Thursday
Maybe it was the microwaved pizza bagels I had last night before I went to bed last night. But I decided that today we’re going to feature some examples of minimal douches.
The stage-1 ‘bags.
The not-quite nottadouche douchebags, but not quite uberscrote scrotewanks neither.
That vague middle ground of average schlord.
Like David here. He’s not doing anything really douchey. Yet you know he’s not nottadouche. Thus, stage-1. Like the “low” setting on the microwave. Or the “beginner” level on Halo 3.
As such, the hotts will also be purer. Cleaner. Fresher. Less exposure to the Grieco Virus means less descent into douchebaguette.
Like the perfect smile on Carlita here. She makes dachshund puppies whine for the mother they never knew.
HCwDB After Dark
Brothabag Mason says “Yo, faux-peak ain’t just for white dudes! And neither is ass pear!”
Maybe so, Brothabag Mason.
However, your douche-hair is making an important contribution to the canon. Therefore we need a name for it.
I dub thy hair Fro Faux.
EDIT: Other names in the comments thread:
Wheezer: ‘Fraux
scrotum pole: bro-hawk
Massengill: Blackhawk Up
The Lonely Purple Balloon
Seriously, this is the saddest birthday party ever.
One purple balloon.
One pink neckerchief’d potential gaybag.
Two delightful homegrown all-American tasty samplings of lapjoy in the foreground. One long necked lickable swan in the background.
Yup. I got nothin.
The Three Bromingos
Where’s Western legend Tom Mix to teach these boys a thing or two about manners.
The Prophesy of Poop
In a bizarre event predicted in both South American Astrology texts of the 19th Century as well as ancient Kaballah texts found in a cave in Ozark, New Jersey, this commingling of Rockerchoad, overtanned Jerz Bleeth and Bouncer Guy marks the coming of the “Poop Days.”
What say you? Is there anything redeemable in this pic?
Is the Douchebaguette saveable?
Should we give Bouncer Guy a pass?
Schmuckhead Says "Eurobags Got Nuthin' on 'Mericanbags!"
What’s that? HCwDB of the Week winner Schmuckhead is coming into the ring!! And he looks pissed, Bob. Lets see if we can get a quick interview.
(handing mic to Schmuckhead)
Schmuckhead: I’se brinin’ my a-game to take down that Eurofag on Monday!!
Schmuckhead, what do you say to your critics that think you’re probably going to get trounced by Smoot?
Schmuckhead: I challenge anyone out there who thinks that to say it to my abs!!
Okay Schmuckhead, tell us then. Why do you think you’ll win on Monday?
Schmuckhead: I gots the hotts, bro!! Check my tri-hott ass pear in my first pic. And now, look at this pear right here, licking my abs. I’m a huge freakin’ douche, bro!! Even I hate me!!
That’s a complex split within your psyche there, Schmuckhead.
Schmuckhead: I have deep fissures in my identity constructs. I blame the external stimulii of a fragmented life.
Monday. The HCwDB of the Month.
Schmuckhead Says “Eurobags Got Nuthin’ on ‘Mericanbags!”
What’s that? HCwDB of the Week winner Schmuckhead is coming into the ring!! And he looks pissed, Bob. Lets see if we can get a quick interview.
(handing mic to Schmuckhead)
Schmuckhead: I’se brinin’ my a-game to take down that Eurofag on Monday!!
Schmuckhead, what do you say to your critics that think you’re probably going to get trounced by Smoot?
Schmuckhead: I challenge anyone out there who thinks that to say it to my abs!!
Okay Schmuckhead, tell us then. Why do you think you’ll win on Monday?
Schmuckhead: I gots the hotts, bro!! Check my tri-hott ass pear in my first pic. And now, look at this pear right here, licking my abs. I’m a huge freakin’ douche, bro!! Even I hate me!!
That’s a complex split within your psyche there, Schmuckhead.
Schmuckhead: I have deep fissures in my identity constructs. I blame the external stimulii of a fragmented life.
Monday. The HCwDB of the Month.
HCwDB of the Week: The Eurobag
In the last Weekly before Monday’s HCwDB of the Month, The classic ‘bag iconography of Eurobag and Monique were a runaway winner (loser). The voters speak:
I R A Dearth Aggie: Eurobag FTW. Best combination of sweet hott and trashy bag. And he fits the definition of eurobag to a T.
One for the Choad: Eurobag FTW, no question. He might have perfectly coiffed hair, but I can smell him and that douchey sweater through my laptop. And ten bucks says he wears colored contacts.
Only Women Bleeth: Euroscrote FTW!!!! Bedazzled jeans, pooey hair, and WTF is up with that cardigan????
Maxim Kovalenko: It’s gotta be Euro. God, it’s like he superglued sparkly D&D dice to his legs.
Baron Von Douchemann: Eurobag. There is a special place in hell for the Eurobags. It’s called the Seizieme.
Mr. White: In honor of my upcoming trip to the UK, I vote Eurobag. While there, I will find this choad, kick him in the nads, and then chant, “USA! USA! USA!” over his prone body. Then I will gently stroke Monique’s shiny pants.
denno: Euro-poo will leave this girl with memories of what could have been, that will haunt her well into her menopause years. She is stricken with a blindness that portrays this oily f&cksack as some kind of unique pseudo Bohemian character when in truth he is an arrogant grease ball wearing Cindy Lauper’s old jeans
Mike: Eurobag’s got the sense of entitlement down, the bored, disinterested way he drapes himself over Monique suggests that this buttlump is the son of some Greek shipping magnate and if it wasn’t for daddy’s money he’d be at the Romanian version of a Motel 6 humping the pool inlets.
Merle Baggard: Make mine a Eurobag. Orange, chesthairless, and alarmingly beautiful eyes. Plus six of nine make me happy, and by happy, I mean turgid, especially thinking of her being paddled in the basement of a Chicago sex club while her congressman ex-husband watches and quietly masterbates .
eltango: mon crayon est long et jaune…and eurobag’s is but a nub. monique looks like she’d froth your man milk and top her cappuccino with it. BEDAZZLER FTW!!!
maddywoo: I vote Eurobag. If you glace at the picture, he kinda looks like her was photoshopped in. Poor girl, she can do so much better
Scrotum Pole: Monique, with her genuine smile, natural blond sweetness, and non-faux ta-ta’s, deserves far better. One look into the cold, blue, metrosexual eyes of Eurobag makes me want to find the seven alpacas it took to make his sweater, bludgeon them, and feed their still-kicking carcasses into an industrial wood-chipper. Euro FTW
Gold stars all around to this week’s ‘bag hunters and huntresses. This was one of the most near-unanimous votes in HCwDB history. In very distant second, was Rufus Veinwright:
Wherami: Well I see that Eurobag is doing quite well but seriously people did you not notice the Wristband of Power on Rufus? I had a hard time even thinking that the others were douchy compared to him. Also he had the prerequisite drink in hand albeit its not a red cup and he also definitely had the hottest HOTT this week. I think everyone is just hating on the Freedom Fries and not giving this a true judgement.
Hong Kong Douchey: I’m going against the grain and voting Rufus. We have to take care of the scrotes on our home shores before we start voting for furriner, cheese-eating, surrender monkeys like Eurobag.
While it’s true that we must first look inward at our own scrote/hott problems, the Eurobag was just too prime category to deny. And poor Tarzana, who would’ve won in a walk if only he’d made the “Kissy Lips:”
Double O Douche: Tarzana FTW bad tatts niple rings and a F’n loincloth looks like a gay print ad for Fruit of the loom
The Blessed Scrotini: I vote for Tarzana. Even though the douchery that he exhibits isn’t as off the charts as Eurobag I feel it more easily promotes yin-yang of douche-hott comingling that one can see in the wild. Or in your friend’s apartment.
Good points, TBS. But this was an overwhelming victory (loss) of douche and hott. Lets let Wheezer take us home:
Eurobag FTW. He bought the poo blue contacts after he got tired of being called “David Schwimmer”…..despite crafting his hair in the “Ross” manner. Plus he’s wearing blonde pleather hott’s spare clothes…..which just happen to fit him like a glove.
But Smoot will still smash him in the Monthly.
Eurobag and Monique earn the last slot in the Monthly, and yes, they will get crushed by Smoot. Another excellent week of comments, props to all who voted.
Your unshaven narrator, The DB1, will now get a coffee and scratch himself.
