The Yellowtail: Master Blaster
In honor of 2006’s legendary doucherstar Oldbag, Yellowtail, we hereby name the 2008 Douchie for Oldbag “The Yellowtail.”
This year it goes to a pic I originally simply titled “The Oldbag,” but who deserves a far more unique name. So we will go with ‘bag lanta’s name in the comments threads, “Master Blaster.”
The Blaster originally ran in July and his creepy-ass mugging of a much younger Cocktail Waitress Awkward Cutie deserves recognition.
And so we award the 2008 Yellowtail Douchie to Master Blaster. For he is creepy. And old. And with Jesus Bling and Paula Abdul’s 1989 “Forever Your Girl” hat.
Hottest Hott of the Year
In the category of “Hottest Hott” your 2008 Douchie Award nominees are:
Hottest Hott Finalist #1: Zippy’s Eurohott Princess
Slender, brunette, with coquettish smile that hints of summerland rainbows just after an early morning sprinkle in the dewey fields of bluegrass, Eurohott Princess is a spongecake delight with tasty frosting.
EHP appeared with Zippy back in May, and together, they won a Weekly.
But it was mainly on the strength of the Princess’s sultry stare and swollen boobosity that sings harmonic melodies of flutist birds in birdland.
Her smile says, “Come to me, DB1. Come to my apartment and water my plants and bring my mail in while I’m out of town on a modeling shoot.”
And I would. Because I’m a sucker.
As to Zippy himself, to paraphrase Douglas Adams; so long, and thanks for all the Phish.
Hottest Hott Finalist #2: Carla from “The Sweathog”
Carla didn’t get as much love on the site as I’d hoped, as in my book, she’s a spicy ethnic porcelain doll that causes rice riots in the Kingdom of Bhutan.
From Late September, Carla’s sweet smile and ample basonga-gongs have stayed floating through my subconscious like a hydrogen filled Macy’s Day Boobie Balloon.
Here’s two more pics of perfect brunette hottness, here and here.
Yes, she’s not the conventional blonde, but her eyes sparkle and shine with all that is transcendant in meditative practice.
And yes, large mamms make the ferrets do the hoppy hop.
I don’t know what that last sentence means. I think I’m getting loopy.
Hottest Hott Finalist #3: Deathtongue’s Quartasian Mia Sara Hott
Already in contention for the 2008 HCwDB of the Year, Deathtongue’s Quartasian teeth melting hott is a rare finalist in the other category as well. From February, QMSH has kept us warm all year.
While the HCwDB of the Year considers dialectic between boobie and choadbucket, Quartasian Mia Sara Hott would be a finalist in a Hottest Hott on her own in any year.
She is limber perfection.
Pouty, with spankable bottom and peanut-butter lower back area.
But let us not forget Deathtongue. Making a charge for HCwDB of the Year with Quartasian on his arm and crutches under foot.
But the Hottest Hott asks us not to ignore the douche, but to downplay his role in this decision.
Hottest Hott Finalist #4: April from April’s “Where’s Waldouche?”
From back in April, April has the elegant detachment that sends men in their early 20s into drunken fights in the parking lot.
She speaks broken English, and may be the second Eurohott in the competition. Or she may be from Boulder, Colorado, heck if I know.
There’s no real douche to speak of, just some creepy guy in the background with two-tone hair who may or may not be the lost member of the Thompson Twins. Hold me now.
But I digress.
And by digress, I mean April’s slender angularity makes me happy happy joy joy.
This category is always the most subjective. I eliminated some of the beauties who appear in our sister-hott categories (Most Expensive First Date Hott and Golden Globes) to give as many pouty little marshmallow fluffy boobie hottie suckle thighs a chance at glory.
Honorable mention to Ask DB1: Hott Speak, who only missed the cut because I already had too many blondes and I’m a brunette guy.
All four of our finalists are worthy. But which is worthy enough for the mantle of Hottest Hott of 2008?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Tighty Armani in the Finals?
Tighty Armani’s so worried that he’s not going to make the Finals, he’s growing his facial fung into a “U.”
While He Just Bangs Bitches and Enjoys a Jacuzzi celebrates his back to back wins with some frosted tips and Brothabag Leon ditches the hotts for a pack of dudes to celebrate his 2008 Douchie Award.
Meanwhile, on an unrelated note, Peyton List misspells “DB1” as “Nikki,” and misspells “I want to lick your kneecaps” as “Best Wishes.” But I digress.
Who will win in Week 2 of the 2008 Douchies?
We’ll find out starting tomorrow.
Douchiest Video of the Year: B4-4 "Get Down"
Okay maybe we’ll give out one 2008 Douchie Award this weekend.
While technically this monstrosity of scrotorious pap came out a few years ago, it deserves recognition for sheer eye-melting genitalia kicking retch.
Any video that features twin puka-shell wearing douches on a beach helping a poor black twelve year old learn how to mack on the ladiez deserves serious collective mock.
And by collective mock, I mean a 2008 Douchie Award.
Here ya go, B4-4. Now please don’t “get down on it.”
EDIT: And from on the site back in July, B4-4’s “I’ll be There”.
King Douchuous the IV on "A Double Shot at Love"
Emails are pouring in that none other than HCwDB’s own King Douchuous the IV (a 2007 Douchie Nominee) has made his way onto MTV’s “Double Shot at Love.” Where he will bring his scrotorious skeezosity to a national TV audience.
Check out their description of this “verified personality”:
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Freddy Figueroa commonly known as Freddy Figs: Natural Born Hustler from NYC; Entrepeneur, Socialite, Spokesmodel, Special Event Host & International Party Liaison has been involved in all aspects of the entertainment industry for 10 years. Everything from being featured in TV, commercials, movies, magazines, videos; to casting shows for MTV/VH1/E Entertianment & various networks alike; to event production for the likes of P.Diddy and his Bad Boy Entertainment company & Hugh Hefner and the Playboy Mansion to name a couple. Freddy has made his mark as a bi-coastal force in showbusiness by combining a lavish lifestyle with the culture of the nightlife industry.
Very flashy & fabulous with his fashion sense, He attracts a beautiful crowd wherever he goes due to his free-spirited positive energy. Humble as can be. A flare for excellence, A rockstar swagger and through his high end clientelle, industry contacts & His love for fashion, culture & music allows him to expand his entertainment company for years to come.
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How could his status on Hot Chicks with Douchebags not make it into the bio? C’mon, bio writeup people, we mocked him first.
The Hardest Working Man in Scrote Business. (1:15 in, The King sounds like Turtle from Entourage)
The Douchies: Halftime Show
Excellent first week of the Douchie Awards, massive respek to everyone who participated in the comments threads. They were truly hilarious, and help us sort the boobies from the chaff.
Next week we get to the biggies, including “Hottest Hott,” “Douchiest Celebrity Couple” and, of course, the “HCwDB of the Year” finals.
This weekend is like our halftime or intermission show. At which point I’d like to remind us all why we’re doing this.
For the children.
Won’t somebody think of the douchey children?
Most Expensive First Date Hott
Here are your nominees for the 2008 Douchie Award for Most Expensive First Date Hott:
Most Expensive First Date Hott Finalist #1: Swedish Hott from “Swedouche Meatballs”
June’s Swedouche Meatballs are our first entry in the Most Expensive First Date category.
All the way from Sweden, you just know Maria won’t even bat an eyelash until at least a five star dinner is followed up with overpriced bottle service at the cheesiest club in town.
Note her polite Paid-to-Pose posture as the Yellow Wristband Swedouche Meatballs make their moves.
Do not be fooled. The Paid-to-Pose Hotts are the hardest to pursue.
As such, I’d sell a kidney on the Madagascar organ black-market just for the chance to watch her flirt with the Maitre’d at Chez Quiz.
Who’s about to get snooty. Snooty? Snotty. Snotty?
Most Expensive First Date Hott Finalist #2: Hamster Hott from “Corey Hamster“
October’s Hamster Hott gets the nomination not just for offering one of the sweetest emails ever written in to the site, which you can read here, but for being an elegant swan that would cost me at least 200 dollars for dinner. Which I’d gladly pay.
Because I would take her to Sushi Roku.
And she would order the Saki the waiter recommends, which naturally is ninety dollars a bottle, because it isn’t on the menu. And he’d bring it and smirk at me, because I couldn’t say anything in front of her.
And yes, this really happened to me. And I’m still bitter.
Most Expensive First Date Hott Finalist #3: Elena from “Hottie/Douchey Inversion”
From last March, the pouty lips and “gangsta” hand gesture suggest a first date both expensive and frustrating, with Elena spending most of it texting her “rad DJ friend” while you’re driving to the restaurant.
Elena is just starting her acting career, and just moved to Los Angeles, and she’d like to briefly thank you at the end of the night for paying for drinks all night by continuing to text her BFF while she gets out of the car and slams the door.
Damn, this category hurts. It’s bringing back all my past traumas.
Oh well. Vote for Most Expensive First Date Hott, as always, in the comments thread.
Hottest "Girl Next Door" Hott: Halo Angel
After an epic thread of love sonnets that turned lightly to thoughts of “rogering,” the votes were in and a winner was clear.
The 2008 Douchie Award for Hottest ‘Girl Next Door’ Hott goes to Halo Angel.
As Douchelexic aptly puts it:
Halo Angel wins in a landslide for her slightly anime-ish features, and the fact that I would gladly trade in my PS3 with Blu-Ray technology for an XBox360 with the now defunct HDDVD technology just for the chance to go back to college just so I could sit behind her in class and smell her herbal essence conditioned hair while being ignored for a semester.
Ah yes. We know that Halo Angel uses Herbal Essence shampoo. And it smells like sunshine.
Most Innovative New Douche Maneuver: Mouth-Shirt Ab Reveal
The votes are in and it was a landslide for the Ab-Shirt Mouth Reveal.
Coming in a distant second was the “Talking on a Cell Phone While Posing,” and the “Side Tilt Belt Buckle” was third.
The comments thread debate was hearty and featured much verbotic acumen. Or, put more simply, the ‘bag hunters brought the pain nicely. I can’t do a full extended feature on all the great quotes, we’re in the middle of the Douchies after all, so I’ll turn it over to Maxim Kovalenko:
The Mouth Shirt Ab Reveal FTW. Gotta give the higher douche quotient to the guy who is tasting his own Axe Bodyspray.
Well said, M.K.
Congrats to D.B. Mencken and the Slutty Hotts, for a well deserved 2008 Douchie Award.
Best Ass Pear: Ass Not What Your Country Can Do For You
The voters went for hearty/beefy over lithe and plump, after a tight, warm and firm debate. That jiggled. Like jello. And another euphemism for buttocks.
But really, the fact that all three pics have entered our lives means that we’re all winners. As desert douche puts it:
It’s got to be Ass Not What Your Country Can Do. Her delectable behind is nicely round in a natural state, while the other two are bending over for maximum curvature.
“nicely round in a natural state.” I believe I read that in the Taber’s Medical Dictionary under “Slammin’ Ass Pear.” Also note the scrote’s expression on the left. Kind of sums it up.
Congrats to Ass Not What Your Country Can Do For You for a well deserved 2008 Douchie Award in the Best Ass Pear category. May your melonic butt melons continue to subtly ripple through our collective unconscious for many a moon. And by moon, I mean, uhm, moon.
And, on an unrelated note, props to FHM for knowing quality when they see it.
