'Bag / Not a 'Bag
Is douchey spiked exploding hair that looks like Frame #27 of the Zapruder Film enough to qualify for ‘Bag?
Is the douche-face hurdling over the bar of what constitutes a stage-1 douchuous cherry pit in the fruit bowl of life?
And why are they posing in front of abstract green-screen paintings by Magritte?
The Wifebeaterbag
I was going to do an extended deconstruction of the wifebeaterbag, but staring at this pic makes me want to dip my face in hydrochloric acid. It is soul sucking, nads kicking, hyper-meta douchey/hottie ultra wrongness.
It is cruel and unusual douchebaggery for a Friday.
So instead of parsing the lexicon for new terms to mock Wifebeaterbag with, I’ll…
I’ll…
call him a douche.
Yer a douche!
(sigh)
Somehow it didn’t help that much.
A little bit. But not that much.
Boing!
I’m convinced this isn’t actual real world hair.
It’s a cartoon expression of surprise. You know, like when Linus was shocked by Lucy and his hair went flying in every direction.
Or when Mister Magoo finally realized he was walking on a pylon six hundred feet in the air. That wacky Mister Magoo. Because blind people are funny.
Boing! Gadzooks! Zoiks!
Pack it in, cartoon boy. I’d erase your face with an eraser, then draw in a Garfield.
Kelly from Arizona State makes me want to yell “GO HOME TEAM MASCOT!!” in the hopes she’ll get stupid drunk with me at the tailgate party. At which point I would slobber on her shoes like a quadriplegic on Benzidrine.
Friday Haiku: Fu Man Choad
Fu Man Choad pimps out,
Gwai-Lo Zen whacks on, whacks off.
Blonde Curves, happy pants.
Two pube waterfalls
Four pastoral, fertile mounds
Call Enola Gay
— bmt
Cartoon babes are hot.
But as sure as the world turns,
With time, their heat cools.
— boatbutter
Pinkhawked smirkdouche needs
to shave ZZ Man Chu with
chainsaw. Blindfolded.
— lemon tart
Girl made of plastic
But girl on the right? I will
chew through your boob straps.
— reservoir douche
Hong Kong Douchey needs
Five-Point Palm Exploding Heart
Save us Black Mambas!
— Duck Duck Douche
'Bag Hunting
A reader snaps a Footbag in a parking lot, with the following story:
——
Friend had his wife run up to this guy in a parking lot……Douchie got scarred & asked why they wanted pic……said from out of state & he looked like the “california kid”……haha
——
Nicely done, anon. That’s a serious douche in the wild right there.
And while we’re giving shout-outs, a happy Rosh Hashanah to my Jewish readers. L’shanah Tovah! May you be inscribed in the book of non-douchebaggery.
Hottsie Pop
So how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Hottsie Pop?
Meet Preppy Joe Douche
Looks like the June HCwDB of the Week winner Meet Joe Douche is trying out some new looks for this Fall’s douchelympic Event “The 400 Meter Preppy ‘Bag Toss.”
Although no popped collar on the pink I-Zod? You’re losing your fastball, M.J.D.
I would share pizza on Sunset Blvd with sultry Angelina Jolie hottie while licking salt off her lower back when the waitress wasn’t looking.
D.B.-War
I’ve always had a thing for Asian chicks.
Ever since Tia Carrere’s power chords in Wayne’s World, I’ve been hooked on pho-nics.
Get it? Because “Pho” is a type of Vietnamese beef dish. And pho is from “phonics.”
Hah! I’m clever.
As to D.B War, someone seriously needs to Daniel San his ass while Japanese fans chant for “Rocky” and Ivan Drago looks upset. Wait, I think I’m mixing my 1980s “white movie characters triumphing in foreign countries by proving their superiority and turning the locals into proto-Americans” references again.
And, for what it’s worth, D-War looks amazing.
DJ Poopy Head
Play that funky music, choadwipe.
Shaving one’s chin pubes into the “Eye of Providence,” that creepy cult-like pyramid with the eyeball on the back of the $1 bill, gets mad Freemason cult props. Now all we need is to fold Washington’s face and see if it makes a mushroom.
She is delectable. Like a fine wine. Or a sherpa named Moses.
Perfectly ripened, with a delightful smile that makes transcendental harmonics when gonged. That last sentence sounds like a crude double-entendre, but I meant it simply as poetics as to the spiritual resonance of a nice smile. And boobies I’d like to lather with soap and prepare for the ice age.
A Spanish tamale with extra guacamole. She makes me hungry.
