The Retarded Shock
I have a hand. Two of them in fact.
I’ve been using my hands with at least a basic level of coherence since I was about six months old, give or take a few weeks.
I know how to make “The Shocker.” It isn’t hard. I’d say you could teach it to a three year old.
So what is up with all the retarded Shockers of late? Has Beefy McGabana been given even a basic intro to female anatomy?
Oh right. Just look at him.
Keep imagining it, Beefy. Someday it might happen.
BritBags
This looks like the cast of the BBC’s latest miniseries, The Douchebags in Winter. I don’t know whether to hose them down with a firehose or order up some meat pies and kidney pudding, guv’nah.
Oi! Piss off, ya bleedin’ tossers!!
I would, however, Big Ben her parliament, Dickens style. Meaning she would ask me, “Please sir, can I have some more?” You know. Like Charles Dickens’s Oliver Twist. Because I have to explain all my jokes like that.
Billy JoelBag
Cuz sooner or later it comes down to fate. You might as well be a scrote… Darling, only the dumb date choates.
Bah, be bah bah, that’s what I said. Bah, be bah bah bah bah.
Lord Stanley
To honor my neighbors in the Inland Empire for their local team’s triumphant victory yesterday in their contest to hit a small piece of black rubber around a block of ice, I give them Lord Stanley.
However, I’m not sure you’d want to hoist his cup.
As to sultry Jesus Blinged Golden Globed perfection, I would play ping pong dressed as Gumby while spinning tassels with my scrotae just for a 1 in 10 chance to dry clean her winter coats.
D.A.T.
Take the Douche Aptitude Test sample question:
Jersey is to choad as:
a) Boobs are to Cleavite
b) Semiotics is to Post-Structuralism
c) waxed eyebrows are to spiked hair
d) Taxi Dresses are to Bleeth
The Wily Tigershark
Looks like a wily tigershark did, in fact, come along to take out the Head Assplosion crowd we featured yesterday.
Ah, were it only to be true…
Nice work once again to resident HCwDB photoshop artisan pfah building off an idea by Mistress Julie (edit: and BMT) in the comments thread.
And if you’re curious to hear your humble narrator interviewed on all things sexy/scrotey on a classic rock station in Missouri, check it out.
Ned
Mirror mirror, on the head. Who’s the douchiest dude named Ned?
Okay, I have no clue if this highly buffed, waxed and shined Plastic McForehead is named Ned. But it rhymed, so I’m going with it.
I would lick blonde shoulderblades for a living even if it paid only in oatmeal.
EDIT: Douche Vader makes the important observation that the reflection in the forehead resembles the same cartoon male genitalia that is seen on HCwDB of the week winner, ChandlerBag. The signs are there. We need only to find them.
Mt. Everest
When asked why he’d climbed that spikey hair, explorer George Mallory said, “Because it was there.”
Good answer.
Is this one of the Twins gearing up for the HCwDB Monthly? Is Brunette Lovely donning librarian glasses because she knows it’ll cause the DB1 to drool on his shirt like an incontinent stroke victim?
Only time will tell. Time, and a lot of rubbing alcohol.
EDIT: For those seeking to climb Douche Everest, reader pfah has created a Hiker’s Map.
Your Morning Boobies/Choad
It’s like a hotel wakeup call.
If that hotel wakeup call simultaneously tickled your scrotae whilst pounding you in the face with a brick.
HCwDB of the Week: ChandlerBag and the Bumper
Last week was a great week for asses. It also featured some hotties with lovely butts. Yeah, that joke may be vaudeville, but it still works.
ChandlerBag’s Bumper Hottie features the greatest caboose since “The Little Engine that Could” and one of the best ever on the site. I turn it over to the erudite Vinny Scumbaglia to sum it up:
The mighty greasy forehead of Chandlerdouche is a work indeed, and he presents the Mussolini of doucheposturing. His will o’the wisp hair and semi-attempt at some kind of hand gesture are doubly laughable (‘uhh, representing, er… up thatway! yeh, that’s it…”) and the previously noted observation that Bumper must stoop to embrace this scrotewonder seals the package. Were that she were in my hands, the small of her back would bear the texture of that rough stone pillar, and her wan grin instead a gasp of pleasure.
Heh, the Mussolini of doucheposturing. Nicely done, V.S. However, david douchecovney makes a very strong case for The Balcony Bag:
Gotta go with Balc-bag for one very simple reason; football pants..
Hard to debate the uberdouchuousness of the low riding football pants. It didn’t seem Friday Night Blights bothered as many people as it bothered me. Although Voudouche Chile (slight return) picked up on the wrong:
I have to go Blights, vox populi be damned. They’ve achieved what Phil Spector called the Wall of Choad–throw in a string section and they’re going straight to number 1. HC literally has an hourglass figure–you could turn her upside down and use her as a Boggle timer. Replace could with should.
Nicely working in a Phil Spector reference. Lets hope he didn’t take a shotgun to the dark haired cutie after the pic was taken.
But since I’m still hung over from last night’s ride on the 5:01 ‘Train, I’ll simply turn it over to the ubiquitous anonymous for the final word:
Chandlerbag earns my vote for the forehead shine that is shaped like a cartoon penis.
Indeed. Book that caboose a ticket in the Monthly.
