Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Creeper Fern

One of the harder to grow houseplants is the Scrotsae Mandanus plant, often referred to in common parlance as the “Creeper Fern.”

Creeper Ferns are notoriously fickle plants, requiring lots of grease, gold necklaces and loud eurotrash techno played at ear splitting volume before their Mandanus leaves will flower. Creeper Ferns have been known to easily wilt when laughed at, and quickly dry up when cameras aren’t present.

However a little known trick if you want to get your Creeper Fern to grow large Mandanus leaves is to plant it in an outdoor pool. Simply feed it pink lipped Megaman sunglasses wearing hotness twice a day, and Creeper Fern mandanas will grow to epic size in no time.

To remove your Creeper Fern simply toss a wrapped copy of “Miami Sound Machine’s Greatest Hits” over the neighbor’s fence. Creeper Fern will likely leave in no time, although sweat stains and muscle t-shirt residue may remain behind.

The Assbag

All your ‘bags are belong to us.

Quahog Bag

Peter Griffin Ass Chin loves himself some Jager. I’d add the “..” over the “a” in the word “Jager,” but that’s some fancy Germanic keyboard action I couldn’t manage even if I Wim Wendered my Dirk Nowitzki.

Cate Blanchett Hottie warms the cockles of my, uhm, heart.

I have nothing else to add about this most holiest of Ass Chin Pics, except that index ring fingers while making Bag Hand Gesture #212 define the uberdouchosity of uberdouchuousness. Oh, and ass chin.

In summation, ass chin.

Twin Baggin' It

Look who showed up to thank you for voting them the HCwDB of the week!

And they brought a Jennifer Aniston Hottie. How thoughtful.

HCwDB of the Week: Twin Bags

PIC DELETED

With all this seafood flying around, I almost forgot we have a Weekly going on. And what I thought was one of the more tight Weeklys in awhile, and by tight I mean Tag, turned into a rout.

The Double Douche Twins were simply too much to take down, a double ‘bagging serving of greased up uber-scrote. The poetic Vinny Scumbaglia pens his ode to their doublemint goodness. And by goodness I mean B.O.:

All furnish’d, all in gel;
Mandana’ed like estridges that wing the wind
Baited like eagles having lately douched;
Glittering in scroted coats, like images;
As full of scrote as the month of May,
Douchebaglionic as the pondscum at midsummer;
Wanton as youthful scrotes, wild as young ‘bags.

Poetic beauty, V.S. Nicely done. Still, the arch bagger of canterbury reminds us never to forget the power of the hottie side of the equation, casting in with The Bells:

BUT. Bells HC is oh-so-lovely! The glasses, the all-natural look, the svelte yet fleshy shoulder and hip…delightful! Worse, DB’s groping and thrusting, and SHE’S ARCHED HER BACK TO RETURN THE THRUST. Arrrgh!

But Double the power of Scrotitude is too much to overcome. As Count Douchula observes:

With that being said I have to vote for the twins, because when I sobered up there were still two of them and it pissed me the hell off.

And honoring the greatest poet of observational douchebaggery, William “Bag Hunter” Shakespeare, douchie howser m.d. quoth the Bard:

What’s in a name? That which we call a douche by any other name would smell as shite. (Homeo and Douchiet)

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the douche twins! (King Douchie the 6th)

Rise up the Twin Bags to the rafters. They’re the first entry in next month’s Monthly. To sleep, perchance to douche, ay, there’s the rub.

HCwDB — THE BOOK

I have fantastic news to announce on the site, fellow ‘bags, ‘bag hunters and cuties. Yours truly, DB1, has been contracted by Simon & Schuster to write a book version of HCwDB for publication next year.

So where do you come in?

I will be printing dozens of the scrotiest and most awe inspiring and spew inducing examples of the broad and complex spectrum of the hottie/douchey kingdom. I’m talking Fratbags, Rockerbags, Choadbags, Greaserbags, everyone from the club dancing ab rollers to the hairy indie toads. But I need your help.

Here’s the deal.

If you are the photographer of any of the featured pics here on the site, email me a hi-res (300dpi) copy of the pic in question, and I will forward you a release for the pic. Return it to me and not only will you get a photo credit in the book, but you’ll have contributed greatly to help bring awareness to the masses of innocent hotties being Bleethed as we speak of the unholy douchitude that lurks within us all.

So if you took a classic HCwDB pic and want to submit it for consideration for the book, email me a hi-res copy at: douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com

Do your part and contribute to producing a real world talisman, a permanent testament and ode to the various subdivisions, categories and broad spectrum that is the modern Douchebag evolutionary plague. As well as help produce a text that will warn the gorgeous balls of hot who fall into their oily orbit on a daily basis that there is hope out there; there is treatment for exposure to the Grieco Virus.

If you know someone who took one of the pics we’ve featured on the site, email them and ask them to contribute that pic. If not for you, if not for me, do it for posterity. Do it so that future generations can contemplate the dark marching army of douchebaggery that has chewed through and spat out our cultural landscape like so many greased up, bling wearing, Tag Bodyshot spraying termites.

Do it for all of us. Do it for a better tomorrow. But most importantly, do it because making fun of ‘bags is really, really fun. Don’t think of it as a civic duty. Think of it as a moral imperative.

Wez

Whew. All this Fish Slapitis and Lobster sand crawling has exhausted me. So it’s time to relax in the only way I know how. With more HCwDB spew.

Here’s two overly peroxided nyphettes I’d like to Humbert Humbert forming an inverted ‘bag sandwich with Wez from the Road Warrior. Note the black fingernails making ‘bag hand gesture #86. Where’s pre-insane Mel Gibson when you need him?

But most importantly, note the cleavite on the left. I would lead a small but highly skilled expedition into those hinterlands, then establish a Mission to teach natives how to worship ur-boobs with the fervency of, well, a post-insane Mel Gibson.

Ab Lobster Returns

Ladies and Gentlemen, lets hear it again for Fish Slap!!… BUT WAIT!!…

What’s that?…. Is that Ab Lobster?… He’s charging towards the ring, Bob, and he looks angry!!

Oh my God, Ab Lobster is picking up a chair!! Bob, it’s total mayhem here in the ring. Now he’s pointing at his abs. Bob, I’ve never seen anything like this. Fish Slap looks confused. Now Ab Lobster is taunting him with more points to his abdomen. Bob, what’s Fish Slap going to do?

Now Fish Slap is shaving another crease into his eyebrow!! Bob, I’ve never seen anything like this!! It’s total Pandemonium here at HCwDB!!

HCwDB of the Month: Fish Slap

Unbelievable. He’s like the T-1000 of douchebaggery. He will not stop… until we are ‘bagged.

But taking down the mighty Lobster? I didn’t think it could be done. After all, pointing. At. His. Abs.

And yet the eyebrow shaving, the hat tilt, the affect on next-generation douche like Minnow Slap in pic #2, the power of the hottie and the douche-chin were too much for even the wily crustacean to overcome.

Fish Slap has appeared before on the site, as Kangaroo Poo and as a Friday Haiku back in January. But like a stealthy deep sea tuna, he waited for his moment to strike. And by strike I mean scrote supreme.

Beelzebag lays out the case for a serving of Fish Slap Supreme over the Power of the Lobster:

While I hate to disagree with Vinny and X, White pants, spray-on abs, and douche-face cannot compete with one SHAVED EYEBROW. You can change your pants, rub turpentine on your abs and put on a “normal face”, but only time itself can erase a shaved eyebrow. The shaved eyebrow alone says “I am 100% committed to the art of douchebaggery”.

Nicely put, Beelzebag. Another fan of the Slapster, The Douchemeister, reminds us to never forget the power of the douche-chin:

Man I fell of my chair when I saw this chin.

All hail Fish Slap!

And so we shall. But The Lobster put up a valiant fight, and was even in the lead for awhile. Old friend Baron Von Douchehausen sums up all that is wrong with the Lobster’s douchey ways:

Sometimes the the douchebaggery side of the equation renders all the other parts moot. Ab Lobster renders all Western notions of logic, rhetoric, reasoning, dialectic, induction, deduction, and mathematics meaningless every time he smirks and points to his pathetic little tummy muscles.

Yes, Ab Lobster, yes, those are the muscles with which we all puke.

Well done, BvD. Good to have you back on the site. Purg Hottie and Manmaries, came in a distant 3rd and 4th in what was essentially a two way race. But newbie hottie KellyBelly remnds us never to forget the Jersey scroad, casting in with Manmaries for the win:

Ab Lobster’s hottie just doesn’t do it for me. Call me crazy, but I’m not really into blonds. Never have been, never will be.

So in conclusion, my vote goes to #2 because the HC is very hot and the choad with her is all kinds of awful. Although I do believe Ab Lobster should probably win because he’s just that much of a tool on his own.

Mmm… KellyBelly and Manmaries Army Hottie… nice. Supreme ‘bag hunter Baron Von Goolo lays out the case for Purg Hottie and the Rogue Choad, a case the DB1 agrees merits further consideration going forward:

Rogue Choad – has nothing. NOTHING I SAY! No bling, no unique topiary chin pubes – hell, he’s even wearing a white collared shirt. But this doesn’t stop him from compensating for his stick insect physique with his oh-so-uproarious Pauly Shore off Ritalin impression. Delightful. Purgie’s not throwing a gang sign: she’s ready to wheel on him and perfom a transorbital lobotomy. Moe Howard style. But not before she finishes her Long Island Ice Tea.

But in the end, the Slapster had all the right attributes for a Monthly victor. As Andre the Giant Douche takes home the case for F.C.:

After losing sleep last night over this decision I think I am finally ready to vote. Gotta go with Fish Slap, he is a machine. This is a great example of how study, dedication, and attention to detail can lead to perfection…he is an immaculate douche. He’s like the Michael Jordan of douchebags. I hate to not vote for Ab Lobster, the scrote was seen wearing white pants and pointing at his own abs on multiple occasions…which inspires thoughts of violence and rage I didn’t think I was capable of. But in the end Fish Slap’s flawless execution of textbook ‘bag strategy was enough to conquer just about any foe. I agree with Freak on a Douche, if this site had logo, or needed one image to sum up the content, vision, and mission of the site, Fish Slap would be it.

And so, like The Rooster before him, we elevate Fish Slap’s Jersey as a Monthly winner. Fantastic work in the comments threads, as always, another classic deconstruction, demythologization and devolution of all things de douchey/hottie rank and spewy.

Good work. Toast a cup of the ‘Train to the Fish Slap and his Hottie. For they have transcended.

Rose 'Bag II: Paisley Stench

Lest there was any doubt as to yesterday’s Rose ‘Bag GnR douchosity, let this pic put that to rest.

Stare at the choad. Let it waft over you. For it is choice.

I’m unsure whether hottie is Rocker Hottie from Rose ‘Bag’s previous appearance. But if so, I would love her leopard prints one by one, each given my full and unique devotion: drooling, licking and whimpering like an injured cow. Because I know how to make the sweet sweet love like that.