Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Best Golden Globes: The Hourglass from "The Beachbag and the Hourglass"

With eight Golden Globes to celebrate and bask in golden plump glow, the voting pretty much broke down into a four way pick ’em of equal opportunity celebration.

But the power of The Hourglass was too unbelievable to deny.

Four Points was a close second, and by close second, I mean large succulent flesh mounds of dancing marshmallow sunshine that I would slide down into a candy corn rainbow and nuzzle in their soft, soothing warmth, whilst I drifted off to sleep for a fortnight.

But the thighs/boob ratio of the overly tanned Hourglass transcends mere mortality and hints at ubermensch ascendancy. And if that’s not a well earned 2008 Douchie Award, then I don’t know what is.

And… boobies.

HCwDB of the Week: The Hourglass and the Beachbag

For one of the most evenly matched Weeklies in awhile, the votes were tight. Hourglass tight.

But the sheer power of uberhottness carried a pedestrian run-of-the-mill douchescrote to a win in the Weekly.

Chac Monster at Ace Hardware explains:

Hourglass wins. Shes the smokingest Hott girl Ive seen on this site in a while, and because of that I hate the oily fungus-goober next to her all the more.

That is the key nexus of hottie/douchey enlightenment. Sometimes it’s the uberscrote. Sometimes it’s boobies you’d slap your grandmother for. crocodile douchedee agrees:

Hourglass & the Beachbag FTW her carmelized body of perfection carries his deflated pec pouch and hair plugs to victory

Well said, C.D. And robert waxes poetic on the sheer force of nature that is the Hourglass’s body:

Hourglass, without a doubt.

Maybe they’re just friends.

Maybe they are. But maybe they’re not. And therein lies the pain. Heather continues:

I gotta give it to the hourglass and her be-spiked tumor.

She is everything that pure in the world of masturbatory delights and he is everything I wish to run over with my car.

And Lyndon Ladouche explains the power found between Hourglass and Beachscrote:

The other guys are far douchier, but those curves are an earthly shadow of the Islamic paradise. The fact that this average nothing is with her infuriates me more than the real douchebags who at least put on a show to hypnotze the hotts. Beachbag’s got nothing, and yet he’s still banging hourglass.

Its cosmically unfair and that’s ultimately what this site is about.

Indeed it is, L.D.

But the O-Prune came this close on the sheer power of douchal wrongness. Dunkterdouche zeroes in:

O-Prune takes the douche ball and run for a touchdown. Jesus tapdancing Christ.

I submit: White Belt, Not the ab point, but close enough with the Ab Encore (curtains open), bling, douche lips and sunglasses inside at night. And i kinda like pre-heroin Countney Love hot on the right who looks like she would do very dirty things to you. Not to mention quiet dominatrix Ukrainian spy hot on the left This guys might have to be in the monthly.

And Coco brings the female perspective and spins for DJ Scroteboy:

I really think you just have to add up the points here. The tilted hat, mandana, chin-up douche pose and that ridiculous tatt put scroteboy slim way over the top.

Scroteboy Slim definitely deserves a 2008 Douchie nomination for that tattoo, and the O-Prune for Orange. But, in this Weekly, the perfect form of Hourglass femininity at the beach was enough, next to an average choad, to create a douchal vortex. Champagne Douchernova explains why:

The others are truly more douchiferous than he, but his HOTT is a supernova of spooge extracting perfection. I would amputate my prostate, just to sniff the spot the truck that delivered her bikini parked in.

And wonkydonkydotnet fully loses his mind trying to comprehend this pic’s wrongness:

I have it on good authority from Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson & the forensic auto metallurgists, that Hourglass’s Groin has in-fact caused Quasar Mrk421 to go Supernova, vaporizing everything within 4 light years of it, and her hips simultaneously have rent asunder Steve McQueen’s Bullitt Mustang at the molecular level from 3,000 miles away, like some Class 5 mutant having an orgasm.

Well said, WDDN.

Make room for the Hourglass and the Beachbag. Those hips and curves might just carry this Standard Issue Jerzbag to a win in the Monthly. They’re that tasty.

The Hourglass and the Beachbag

‘Bag Hunting Rule of Thumb: Hair spike at the beach = uberchoad.

She redefines “hourglass” for the new millennium.

Not since Ambrogio Lorenzetti’s 14th Century painting, Allegory of Good Government has the hourglass functioned as metaphor for societal hope, good will, and really fantastic tatines dipped in butter.

A Nomination for the Hall of Pear: "Hourglass Pear"

FDD calls for a quorum to consider Hourglass Pear for the “Hall of Pear”:

—-

DB1,

FDD

—-

This was actually in reference to early April’s Hourglass Pear, but the nomination has been made, and according to the bylaws of HCwDB, the Quorum must rule on said nomination.

What say you?

“Yea” or “Nay” on Halling this Pear?

A Nomination for the Hall of Pear: “Hourglass Pear”

FDD calls for a quorum to consider Hourglass Pear for the “Hall of Pear”:



—-

DB1,



I think you need to immediately grab last week’s Mirror Pear (?) and give her an automatic nomination to the Ass Pear Gallery. She was the one in sheer grey, with peeks of ass and boobie?



FDD


—-

This was actually in reference to early April’s Hourglass Pear, but the nomination has been made, and according to the bylaws of HCwDB, the Quorum must rule on said nomination.



What say you?


“Yea” or “Nay” on Halling this Pear?

HCwDB of the Month: Mister Liptatt and Holly

In a neck-and-neck race to the finish line with The Kleenex Wipe and Nicola, and by neck-and-neck I mean boobs and stupid tatts, the singular wrongness of so perfect a boobie hottie and so stupid a Vegas douchewank took the prize and a slot at the 2010 Douchie Awards in December.

The voters speak:

Bag Margera: Holly’s body is so perfect, it looks like it was engineered in a lab. And liptatt is on par with fish slap. All he needs is a series of pics in which he continues to douche it up as a constantly expanding cold sore. Lipherp FTKITN!

Vin Douchal: Mister Liptatt and Holly FTW even if Holly took off those shades and had a pair of detached retina floating her eyes in different directions , she’d still be HoH worthy.

CanuckSmacker:Liptatt FTW. Holly for the Hall. Simple as that.

Deltus: It’s the difference between *knowing* that Nicola is perfection, and outright *seeing* that Holly is perfection. So it’s Liptatt and Holly FTW, but just by a nose. My nose. Sniffing anywhere and anything on Holly before security throws me out.

saulgoode42: Liptatt- his girl’s the hottest and he’s got epic moobs in the making. Plus, the liptatt itself looks like a strangely-placed third nipple.

soy bomb: Mister Liptatt and Holly for the win. Him: gross boobs, disgusting liptat, laughable facial fung, insufferable facial expression, played-out hand gesture, generic faux hawk. Her: Absolute Perfection.

Justin: Holly has the most insane body since the hourglass…maybe better. Lipshat has all the right moves…stupid hand gesture, crappy tatts, bling, shaved everything-except for the stupid little booty duster on his lower lip…he sucks.

smackdouche: I would vote for anything that involved Holly. Her bathing suit screams, “oh, Oh, OH!!!”.

boatbutter: Holly. And whatever what’s-his-name is.

Sergeant Scrote Stain: the guy is flexing his non-abs so hard that I just crapped my own pants.

Too Short: Holly’s body for hall of hott. Does Liptat have enough to complete the combo? At first glance, no. Upon further inspection every part of this photo has something duchey. Garish tats, pink wrist band, douche face, douche hand signal, douchey glasses, douche hair gel, chest shave and douchey plaid shorts.

Douchie Arnaz: Coldlipsore for the win; Holly for the Hall.

Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang: The sight of Liptatt still upsets my digestive system and makes my bowels discharge oily stool. That idiot is foul. Holly hurts my soul, she’s that hot. This pic is simply the most perfect description of a super hott with a loathsome douche deserving of all the Mock that we can thrust upon him. Liptatt/Holly FTW all the way.

Tom Choad: I’m on the Liptatt and Holly bandwagon, too. Though I’d rather just be on Holly.

army (ret) douche: Because the douche is so close i must vote for the tie breaker hott. Thusly i choose mr liptat and holly. for nothing complements boobage better than a white bikini, excuse me while i find a mop for my saliva…

Mr. Scrotato Head: Mr. Liptatt and his natural breasts for the win; Holly and her bad taste in women, err men, for the loss.

Mr. Biggs: I’d like to propose the Liptatt as a possible 2010 trend. I saw it on another guy and instantly branded him as a douchebag. Correctly too… within 30 minutes he was telling everyone how his pregnant fiance likes when he eats pineapple.

DoucheyWallnuts: Holly FTW with Mister Liptatt riding her hott coattails – “Hotttails” – to victory. Behind every great douchebag is a smoking hott Hott. ‘Nuff said.

Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho: Liptatt evokes the douche-loathing in me like few choads on this site ever have. Hell, he should get it just for going shirtless with that oozing peacock feather tattoo and sagging moobs.

Sometimes the power of a single smirk/hand-gesture in presence of perfect boobie hottie suckle thigh is enough to defeat a thousand club photos. But the Canadian Kleenex Asswipe and sexy Nicola came in a verrry close second, nearly taking the prize:

I douche, therefore I am: Kleenex, for making douchebaggery his business… plus ridiculous bling, CSR, tatts of poo, smirky smirkface, and last but not least, a rather sweet hott.

The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Holly gives Wood but God save the Queen. And by Queen I mean Kleen. Kleenex for the win and a picture beside douchebag on the Illustrated Encyclopoedia Brittanica.

Condouchious: Holly is HoH worthy, but I vote for Kleenex because his douchiness goes beyond materialism and tats and facial expressions, it is a way of life and a state of mind. It is the reason for our spiritual war against all that is scrote. Also Nicola is easy on the eyes.

ehcuodouche:he deserves the monthly for being a club promoter, fostering an environment where douchebags can mingle, thrive, and grow out of control. The other douchebags might just be spreading their infection partner by partner. This guy is up in a crop duster blasting paraquat over thousands of acres.

Douchey Lewis and the News: The Kleenexer and Nicola FTW. The part of my brain that comes up with pithy comments died at the mere sight of the Kleenexer.

tall guy: Kleenex so clearly climbed the craggy mountain of taint before him and emerged top of a foul smelling, scumbag heap.

Bangladouche: Kleenex. He brought it all month long. His douche-ness out crapped everyone. Holly for Hall of Hot.

Maxim Kovalenko: The Kleenex. Track record is the best indicator of future doucheosity, and this guy has that nailed. Besides, that goddamn sneer makes me want to take an egg beater to my eyeballs so I don’t ever have to see it anymore.

The Goob the Bag and the Pudly: I don’t think anyone this month remotely reaches the depths of douchedom that the human bowel movement that is Kleenex does. He will continue to suck the goodness out of life every time I see his smug, sneering face, until the moment I see it being concaved by a well-aimed mallet.

Freddy: Kleenex, the bling alone would fill the coffers of a Spanish Galleon.

fatness: Nicola is all sorts of nocturnal emission hottness and Kleenex douche makes me want to bomb Canada

Sir David Douchenborough: Nicola fits the bill as a lustful bond girl in distress. Unfortunately, rather than being caught in a web of sophisticated intrigue, she is caught in what looks like a Douche version of Kids In The Hall sketch and thinks that Kleenex will be the key to that coveted position of host at Entertainment Tonight Canada.

Canada indeed has to account for its recent rise in douchal activity, fatness. Coming in a way distant third and fourth, Vlad the Inhaler and Natasha, and The Crustie Brothers and Karen and Sue:

anonymouse: I gotta go with the Crusties for scoring real-world milf Hotts and for being old enough to know better. Young douchebags may still right themselves with age and wisdon, but old douchebags are douchebags forever. That, and Sue. My god, how I lust after Sue.

Devon Wheatcakes: I vote for Vlad the Inhaler because he causes grown men to chuckle, little girls to cry and C. Everett Coop to choke down a carton of Marlboros, whenever he enters the room.

08ArmyDoc: I gotta put the dime down on the darkhorse Vlad – he’s the real meal deal: punchable kissy face, rare teeshirt over head pull, moobs, AE undies poke, ciggie, appropriately spiked hair. And you know he has a tatt somewhere – I think it’s the one on his nads that say “punch here”

Constantine IX Monodouchos: And the king was acclaimed by the traditional ”Oil! Oil! Oil! Long live to the king Vlad!”

Vlad and the Crustie Brothers just didn’t have the overwhelming uberdouche that it takes in the Monthly. Lets turn it over to Nancy Dreusche to take us home to the Yearly:

Lipshitz Tatt and James Bond Bikini model Holly. Lipshitz still enrages me with his How-To-Pleasure-My-Neck-Area Craptoo and Holly looks likes she farts chocolate covered strawberries. And as you all know, I love chocolate!

Indeed, I love chocolate covered strawberry farts too, Nancy D. We’ll see these two competing in at the 2010 Douchies. And your humble narrator for Frosted Mini-Wheats.

HCwDB of the Month: The Poopaloompa

It came down to Bagpoleon and Poopaloompa, with the Poopster getting enough support to make a double win(loss) for us.

Even with Jane, a secondary lady in the presence of pure hottwater like Josephine, Alana and Charleez, the Poop was too toxic to be denied. Poopaloompa and Jane for the double: Closet of Poo and for the Yearly. And lets not forget Poopa’s second log.

The voters speak:

Archidouchies: Poopa. Duh. Bagpoleon has the hottest hot, but…just look at Poopa! He’s so orange, people with jaundice offer him their livers. Poopaloompa FTW.

Troy Tempest: Poopster FTW. Why? Because he looks like a Romulan ditch digger who sleeps on a bed made of cheez doodles.

bagwagger: I used to sleep like a log, and now I can’t because of one. If a vote for Poopa makes the nightmares end, it’s worth a shot.

Anonymous: Poopaloompa is grotesque enough on his own to claim the monthly, despite the highter caliber of Hott competitors (Poopa’s girls aren’t that bad though). Poopaloompa. Time to jump out of my office window.

One for the Choad: the question is: does Poopaloompa’s doucheness trump Charleez’s hottness? Sadly, it does, and she’s my favorite hott on the site. That’s how strong Poopa’s scrote factor is. If his doucheness were gravity, everything would crumble to dust on the ground.

Dunkin Scrotenuts: The orange pumpkin head scares me to death but the second pic makes me want to kick a puppy.

manimal: Ooooomp my loompin poooompa… By far the scoatiest über-choad of them all. Plus, he is Orangé!

DarkSock: How, as men and women of conscience, are we NOT going to send Poopa to the Big Dance? He is Epic. He is Squint-Eyed Corruptor. He is Orange; more orange than Chester Cheeta’s colon.

Anonymous: Poopa’s women would give you the best sex of your life; the other “hotts” would stare at the ceiling wondering 1) if you were done yet and 2) wondering if they could sneek a Twitter in while you’re grunting and distracted. Don’t dis poop’s troop.

Señor Squash: Who doesn’t admire an egotistical mini-douche who gets to play under a desk in his daddy’s office all day and then stand on an empty Grey Goose carton and score chicks who’re smokin’ hot but dumber than a sack of used ferret litter? I don’t, for one. That’s why POOPALOOMPA gets my vote.

The Donger: Out of all these pieces of crap in the toilet bowl of life, Poopaloompa is the only one you should call your doctor about. Poop FTW.

Wedgie: Poopaloompa for the win. Not just because orange is the color of victory, but because he is, to use his own words, a “handsome devil”. And by devil, I mean “one who must be eradicated”.

Skid: Poopaloompa gets my vote. He actually gives poo a bad name. Soccer mom hott (not) should know better but really hates her ex-husband. Charleez has the best boobies.

El Caganer: The others have hotter hotts by far, but the Poopster bathes in Sunkist Soda. His hott is not, but anyone with Poopa should induce rage.

Douche shower and shave: Strong group of rectal refuse here. The stench that this group gives off makes unborn children weep and curse the world they have yet to enter. The toxic trash that is the Poopa must have this win. His tangerine skin oozes infected pus. Poopa FTW.

Expertly sliced, ‘Bag Hunters and Huntresses. Normally hott and choad require meaning. With Poopa, rules are bent and physics laws are destroyed. But lets not forget The Bagpoleon and his #2, Bagpoleon strikes back.

Casey D: Josephine is the epitome of bleethed-out hott, and Bagpolean the embodiment of all that is douche. They’ve opened their mouths to removed all doubt, and for that, it would be a crime to deprive them of their rightly earned monthly. Besides, I would like to call Bagpolean to congratulate him personally. And by congratulate, I mean pretend to be a debt collector offering to forget about the unpaid credit card bills in exchange for one night with Josephine’s nail file.

Anonymous: Bagpolean FTW. I was ready to give it to Cheez on account of his hott, but I scoped her slightly tatted boob in pic 3. She gets downgraded to baguette, and Bagpolean slides into #1.

J Bone: I have to go with Bagpoleon FTW. He proved himself to be a douche of the highest caliber with a comment thread in the same vein as illustrious poo-mavens Fishslap and the Donk. Poompa for Orangiest Orange, but not for one the 12 most scrotastic super-puds of the year.

Justin: It is a combination of the hottest hott with one of the sickest bodies since the hourglass, and ‘polean’s comments in the thread. What a fucking douche.

Well said team. If he hadn’t opened his egotistic mouth, I’m convinced the dialectic of Bagpoleon/Josephine would’ve won. Coming in a sad and forgotten third, the Cheez, who deserved better. And by better, I mean more mock:

Scooby Douche: Charleez, you are hot chick, and you are with big douchbag. Poor Charleez, come back into the light and let me rub healing medicated cream all over your nooks and crannies.

Jacques Doucheteau: Charleez is a creamy piece of dulce de leche just waiting to be unwrapped and sucked on. I would kick a prepubescent Congolese rape victim in the throat just for the chance to have my head dunked in the same toilet used by Jason, the tire tech who fixed the flat on Charleez’s Durango

Sergeant Scrote Stain: Cheez FTW. The mere fact that he is touching Charleez via skin to skin contact is a crime against humanity, hell, the birth of Cheez alone violated the Geneva Code. The Cheez brings what the others cannot: a lengthy criminal record and a hott with two meat melons worth all the gold of ancient Arabia.

eltango: cheez is a primordial neanderthal poo with a strong instinctual grasp on the concept of hot boobies. he is basic douche with a ph level of 14 and charleez’s boobs eat a hole right through…well…they just eat a hole. delta cheez!

ehcuodouche: There’s no substitute for real Cheez. Four pictures and he delivers classic 100% American douchebag in every one. Now he can head back to the service station with pride and fix my damn transmission. I’ll keep Charleez inner thigh properly suckled while he’s away.

And poor Barrowbag. Such a douche. So forgotten. Even with A-List quality suckle thigh, Alana.

The once and future douche: Being a member of the fairer sex, when I have previously voted for HCwDB, it has always been based on the strength (and by strength I mean poo) of the douche in question. Barrowbag’s Alana has made me see the light. I would lovingly hand wash her shorts in a sink full of Woolight for dark clothing (so I don’t ruin them, of course, we ladies know these things) before awkwardly shoving my foot into her boots when she takes them off after a long night of go-go dancing. I would also sc
issor with her. Hard.

Although that aroused me, we have to get back to work. The Orange Poop was too much. Even with only Jane, he crushed his competitors and booked a ticket to the Yearly. Lets let Mike take us home:

Anyhow, the Monthly Winner and recipient of the Lopsided Chalice of Immortal Scorn is none other than the dastardly Poopaloompa. No male stipper before or since has so perfectly melded the sheen of an overripe tomato with the Lorenzo Lamas scowl, Disney boy band hair, and Dr. Strange chin pube configuration. The brocade of average Midwestern housewives confirm to me the male stripper occupation. Nowhere else would we see such a configuration except for the Iowa bachelorette party circuit.

Even with b-level hottness, the Poopa proves the power of superdouche can carry dialectic. And I’m okay with that. Poopa for the Yearly. And the DB1 for Corn Pops.

HCwDB of the Year: The Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott

The Metaphysical Hooligan may not be the most uniquely outrageous scrotewank we’ve featured this year. Carly Hott may not be the hottest hott. But together, they form uber-poo.

And by uber-poo, I mean the subjective mirror stage of hottie/douchey commingling that reflects all of our societal traumas back upon us.

Witness pics two and three. While Droopy and Surfer Kelly made the more outrageous singularity, Hooligan and Carly formed the most toxic HCwDB of the year.

In fact I plan to name my new fusion, ska, trip-hop, reggae, punk, Swedish-death-metal, jazz, kletzmer band The Metaphysical Hooligans. We’ll be playing the local hockey rink with the influential 70s funk-Christian thrash band, I Killed a Hobo.

And besides, check out that nip ring. The Hooligan is ur-choad. And Carly Hott, in pics two and three, confirms a delightful, if artificially enhanced, innocent sweetness of boobie bouncing cacophony.

There may be controversy. Fans of Droopy made a strong case. But a winner had to emerge. And like Joey Porsche before him, The Metaphysical Hooligan has claimed the hottie/douchey crown and head-shaven immortality.

Here’s a recap of your 2008 Douchie Award Winners:

Hottest Hott of the Year: Quartasian Mia Sara Hott from “Deathtongue”
Purest State of Douche-Zen: Samurai Scrote
Biggest Transformation from Douche to Kinda-Sorta Not So Bad: Bra!!
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year: Criss Angel and Assorted Hotts
Douchiest TV Show of 2008: Sunset Tan
The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Fish Slap
Best Golden Globes: The Hourglass from “The Beachbag and the Hour Glass”
Most Annoying ‘Baglings: Mo’ Cheeks
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Hamster Hott
Most Likely to be a Part of the Guggenheim’s Permanent Collection in 2023: Still Life with Coors Light
Orangest Orange: Millennium ‘Bag
Sexiest Librarian Glasses: Pink Popp
“The Yellowtail” aka The Oldbag: Master Blaster
Douchiest Video of the Year: B4-4’s “Get Down”
Hottest ‘Girl Next Door’ Hott: Halo Angel
Most Innovative New Douche Maneuver:Mouth-Shirt Ab Reveal
Best Ass Pear: Ass Not What Your Country Can Do For You
Douchiest Tattoo + Facial Hair Combo: Dog
Douchiest Collective Scrotacalypse: God’s Sneeze
Douchiest Human Suppository: X-Lax
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: Fung
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: DNA Dan
Most Deserving of a Trashcan to the Head: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks
Douchiest Facebook Entry: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks
Sweetest Smile: Sue-Ellen from “Sue-Ellen’s Shiny Tool”
Douchiest MySpace Entry:Brothabag Leon
Douchiest New Accessory: The Wristdanna
Smells Like Poo: O-Prune
Douchiest Facial Hair: The Blowfish
The Ricky aka Douchiest Everybag: Pippy
Douchiest Fist of Power: Fist of Power
Douchiest Hair: Wheatstalks

2008 DOUCHIE TECHNICAL AWARDS:

‘Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads): DarkSock and Baron Von Goolo (tie)
‘Bag Hunter of the Year (Submissions): ‘Bag Lanta
‘Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads): Medusa Oblongata and IdahoHottPotato (tie)
‘Bag Huntress of the Year (Submissions): Amanda (for the five part Doucheclowns in the Shower series in November)
Best Fan Video: “Shortboat’s Cruel Summer” by Adolf Skroatler von Baggenstein
Best HCwDB Anthem: “Douchebags” by FogLizard
HCwDB Thread Mascot of the Year: Pfah and plinky (tie)

In future HCwDB news, I will be commencing a Hall of Hott, with an initial inductee class of all 2007 and 2008 Douchie Winners for Hottness, as well as ten more, to be voted on by a panel of regulars. If you would like to be on the panel and have contributed in the threads regularly, nominate yourself.

Thanks to everyone for another great Douchies. Couldn’t have done it without the brilliant and hilarious comments that everyone contributes in the voting.

Your humble narrator is in New York for the holidays. It has just started snowing. The boobie hottie suckle thighs are covered in down coats and scarves. But I can still see them. And their scrote-choad boyfriends.

Whom I will continue to mock for the forseeable future.

Best Golden Globes

Voting is now open for the 2008 Douchie Award for the Best Golden Globes of 2008. Your nominees are:

Best Golden Globes Nominee #1: Jasmina from “The Four Horsemen of the Douchepocalypse“

From September, the Four Horsemen circling Jasmina represented instant Hottie/Douchey poetry.

She is all that is sweet and wholesome.

She is all that is blooming and fertile and firm and boobalicious.

She makes my happy pants do the Nepalese river dance.

And the Horsemen are four slices of choad six ways to Sunday.

Best Golden Globes Nominee #2: The Hourglass from “The Beachbag and the Hourglass”

A weekly winner in August, the Hourglass’s insane curviture carried a standard issue Greasebag to victory.

Is the Hourglass enhanced or all natural? Does it matter?

For her Golden Globes are greasy, shiny, ovetanned ripe apples of succulent melonic perfection. They dance and shimmy like hula dancers in a “Five Dollar Foot Long” Subway commercial.

They vibrate and gellatenate.

They are nice.

Best Golden Globes Nominee #3: The Smearkat

A weekly winner in late May, The Smearkat brings the potency of an ass-kick-worthy uberdouche into play.

She is delightful European Scandanavian confusion, and he is a greasy choad of greasy turditude.

But this is the Best Golden Globes category of Douchie, so we must consider the worthiness of her bosomic bosoms.

They are nice.

Yes.

Yes they are.

They are very nice.

I have nothing more to add except that her Globes are very nice.

Nice.

Best Golden Globes Nominee #4: Four Points

Unable to reduce this category to three, I’m including a fourth candidate for voting, the legendary Four Points.

Not only featuring that covertly erotic “Best Friend of your Sister” hottness, Four Points also featured one of the best emails from a choad in one of the pics, which you can read here.

In addition to being a good sport about being on the site, The Pointer confirms that Points #3 and #4 are, indeed, all natural.

For those who factor in natural impressiveness, this may be a factor in your voting.

So them’s the four (eight). Which pair of Golden Globes is most deserving of the 2008 Douchie? That is up to you.

Vote in the comments thread, and voting continues in the earlier categories as well.

HCwDB of the Month: Mooby Dick

In a hotly debated contest in which each of our four finalists drew support, The Moobster’s overwhelming douchitude was too much to overcome.

Even with a lesser hott, Mooby Dick’s victory proves that while a gorgeous girl may carry a lesser douche to a victory in a Weekly, an uberdouche is too toxic for anything to overcome.

sir douche-a-lot explains the reasoning:

My score is based on 2xD + 1xH. The douche must be given more weight as even if the site were just “With Douchebags”, it would be nearly as gawkeriffic. Given the fact that (gay or not) Mooby is wearing the douchiest ensemble known to man, there is no possible way for any hott in this pool to sufficiently inflate their respective douchebag’s score to claim victory. The other douchebags are just not douchey enough.

Well said Sir DAL. There is no doubt that a powerful douche can invoke rage even with a lesser hott. And I disagree with many of the posters, as I think Mooby’s girl is a solid cutie. the doucheman cometh continues:

Mooby. While the hott presence is no where near that of the Hourglass or The Mariner, it is the hott presence that makes those pictures at least somewhat tolerable.

Mooby on the other hand makes me want to take my eyes and refresh them in a nice hydrochloric acid bath in an attempt to burn any memory of having viewed such an atrocity.

And fidouchiary responsibility further elaborates on the Moobster’s win:

Though Janice has more than a handful of goodness and Hourglass makes me question my own sexuality (I’m a girl), Mooby is an affront that is all wholesome, round and perky wonder. By flaunting his Moobs, he degrades all boobies. Truly, after witnessing his douchousity, can you look on the pert orbs of Hourglass loveliness and not suffer flashbacks of the Moob?

Maybe the hott is not so much – maybe she is blocked out by his Dollywood mounds of puffed-up wrongness – but Mooby should take the monthly, if only for the fact that his awesome douchitude can make us all, for a moment, think unkind thoughts about boobies.

Very well argued F.R. I think there is the potential for brain damage due to the Moobster. hp lovechoad agrees:

Mooby climbs to the top of the primordial waste heap, single handedly setting back the human race 100,000 years. He is the missing link, the alpha and omega, the proto-douche from a land that time has unfortunately not forgotten. Is he drunk on animal traqs? Does he have Down’s Syndrome? Has he received a baseball bat to the dome? All these mysteries and so little time.

The mystery of the pic definitely contributes to its genius, HP. And ronnie explains the sheer revulsion factor:

Though the hott is a bit lacking Mooby ‘s shirt is the douchiest thing ive ever seen, i may have to wash my eyes out with Bleach

As a last minute sub for Crapser The Douchey Ghost (who will likely turn up in the rocker douche category at the Douchies), Squidward represented. gratz casts in:

Squidward for sure…

With all of my love, he gets the prize for selecting a permanent life appearance in exchange for a few years of boffing the shallowest silicone displays.

But the perfection of the Hourglass and the Beachbag came in a solid third. champagne douchernova makes the case:

I want to vote for Hourglass. Hers is not a shape that sailed a thousand ships. Hers is the shape that makes me want to kill babies. And by kill babies, I mean masturbate.

Her body perfection wipes away the fact theat she’ll resemble my 25 year old 1st baseman’s glove in about 8 years.

There is only the now, my friend. And her now is very now. And the dude reminds us of the everybag rage of The Rime of the Scrotey Mariner:

I’m going with Scrotey Mariner, for the boobies – there’s twice as many. Those girls smile like they’ve already met me. Scrotey is scowling like he already knows his fate. A giant fish will leap out of the water and bitch slap him.

Yes it will, dude. But it’s the Moobs all the way. coco is on the case like Macy’s:

Mooby Dick, for taking it to the next level and showing us a hereunto unseen douche wardrobe piece. It’s an anthropological find. Also with a history of being a monthly winner, it will hopefully give him a record that will render him unable to ever run for public office

And buffy the scrotebag slayer:

The power of the Moob is much too strong. It makes my brain melt and my eyeballs explode on contact. It causes me to consider joining a convent in hopes of escaping the sheer horror, but I doubt if becoming a nun would be enough protection from douchiness of this magnitude. Angels will weep and newborn babies will be slapped in the face at the sight of this monstrosity…

Indeed.

If anything, the female ‘bag hunting vote carried the Moobster to his “victory.” And by victory, I mean societal loss.

There will be much debating this Monthly, as all four pics had arguments for their selection. But if your favorite lost out, do not fret. The Hourglass will most certainly be seen again at the Douchies in December, and possibly Squidward and the Mariner as well (a boatbag category perhaps?).

Excellent work to all Cultural Douche Theorists for another excellent round of deconstruction and mock. The lacerating wrongness of the Moobster and his Perky Coed have earned their spot in the Yearly.