Wednesday, December 27, 2006

    The Douchies: Douchiest Oldbag

    Here’s another category open to voting. I know a lotta ‘bags, ‘bag hunters and hotties are on vaca this week, but it’s the end of year awards so if you have a fave, now’s the time to vote in the comments thread. But enough of my rambling.

    The nominees are…

    Douchiest Oldbag #1: Richie Rich

    Hip Hop is dead, sayeth Nas. And who am I to argue? Especially when creepy middle aged music producer types continue to score tall, leggy, blankly expressioned model types?

    That’s what makes the turntables spin, baby.

    Douchiest Oldbag #2: Yellowtail


    What more can be said about this saggy boobed monstrosity, other then if Richie Rich is a hip hop producer, this guy’s one of those Phil Spector types, still trying to live up to his 1970s fame when he produced “A Fifth of Beethoven” for the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. Yellowtail’s gold chain remains one of the douchiest talismans to ever grace the site.

    He’s going to be hard to beat.

    Douchiest Oldbag #3: Gramps


    An early folk hero fan fave on the site, Gramps may have been the first ‘bag to reverse the polarities through sheer force of will and end up a true legend. There’s something to be said for being 70 and cuddling up to a girl in a purple satin lace bra as absolutely mouth watering skittles level tasty as this curvy viola.

    Should Gramps take the Douchie?

    It’s up to you. Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, December 27, 2006

    The Douchies: The Future Ex-Mrs. DB1 Award — Barbarino 'Bag's Hottie


    While it’s true that there have been a plethora (and by plethora I mean “boobies”) of extremely choice beauties on this site (granted, being clutched by monstrosities of dung), there’s something about Barbarino ‘Bag’s librarian hottie that just knocks my socks off. Maybe it’s the dark raven hair, of which the DB1 is a huge fan. Maybe it’s the helpless expression. Maybe that hint of a sexy black bra under that white t-shirt.

    Whatever it is, Barbarino’s Librarian Hottie gets a Douchie Award for most likely to divorce the DB1 after a stormy shotgun marriage.

    So whaddaya say, Librarian Cutie? Marry a drunk, unemployed pudgy douchebag living in a basement hovel? Oh wait, it appears you’re already well on the way.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, December 26, 2006

    The Douchies: Most Persistent Fan Club — Big Red


    And the Douchie Award for “Most Persistent Fan Club” goes to…. Big Red. As if there was any doubt.

    This one’s for the huge fan club north of the border, so please stop emailing me asking for more Big Red. Big Red’s earned a 2006 Douchie for everyone’s favorite one-shirted budding ‘bag in training. Give it up to the popped collar legend.

    The amount of teenage hotties this mythic ‘bag has managed to headlock remains a triumphant accomplishment for a mini’bag so young and impressionable. Good work, B.R.! In many ways, you’re a ‘bag hero.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, December 26, 2006

    The Douchies: Best GeneriBag — Yeesh


    Yeesh, a fan fave from back in the day, deserves a special Douchie and I had to go with “Best GeneriBag” for his utterly blank generic douche expression. Not to mention his oh so sexy, milfy and enhanced hottie with the David Lee Roth wardrobe.

    For all that HCwD unholy genius comingling in such a rotten combo, Yeesh gets a coveted 2006 Douchie Award.

    Enjoy it, Yeesh.

    Along with that gelly head and judging by the background, that massive drinking problem, I know that you will.

    Other Douchies will have open voting all week so get yer votes in during this holiday week before Old No. 7 finds out where I live.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, December 26, 2006

    The Douchies: Best "Special" 'Bag

    This Douchie is for the “special” ‘bags, those heaping turds who’ve rolled off the short bus and somehow corralled a hottie along the way. Whether out of pity, sexual attraction or somewhere in between, you’ll never know. And because of that lack of knowledge, you must mock. And in doing so, you must pick a winner.

    The nominees for Best “Special” ‘Bag are…

    Best Special ‘Bag Nominee #1: Hootie is a Blowfish


    His chin kind of resembles those fried egg inside a slice of bread “bullseye” breakfasts we used to eat at summer camp. Although why I would want to associate this nipple rubbing poobag with a fond food memory is a question better left for my psychiatrist.

    Of course, that would be if I could afford a psychiatrist. Instead I mostly just talk to the 7-11 Clerk who usually asks me to “please leave” right around the time I start telling him how my mother didn’t show me enough affection growing up. Stupid 7-11 clerk.

    Best “Special” ‘Bag Nominee #2: Polo Boy


    This is one of my favorite pics ever on the site, if for nothing else then the yellow polo with pink polo wraparound sweater. And of course the most perfectly tanned hide since Buffalo Bill used to hand stitch saddles back in the 1880s.

    I know I shouldn’t make fun of 16 year old training-‘bags, but how can I leave off Polo Boy from the list? If Anna Pacquin can win an Oscar at 10, Polo Boy can get a Douchie Nom.

    Best “Special” ‘Bag Nominee #3: The Red Cup

    The fact this rather befudled young ‘bag resembles the younger brother on “Growing Pains” is only one of many reasons to mock his scrotey nature. Wholesome midwestern Red Cup clutching lass is another. The dude in the back jonsing for cereal is simply an innocent bystander in this trainwreck of HCwD wrongness.

    Best “Special” ‘Bag Nominee #4: Graduation Scrote


    The fact this guy graduated anything outside of the Learning Annex Tony Robbins “Personal Power” class is a terrifying indictment of the American educational system.

    To paraphrase Otter in “Animal House,” I put it to you, Greg. Isn’t that an indictment of the United States of America itself?

    This pic most certainly is.

    Dartboard with darts holding up notes. Captain Morgan poster. And two cute little Frosh-in-Training hotties. Horns McShortbus makes me want to spew on the couch if it wouldn’t blend right in. Because, uh, the pattern on the couch looks like puke. Figured I’d spell it out, in case Graduation Scrote’s reading this.

    Four good candidates. This one is a tough vote.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, December 26, 2006

    The Douchies: Spikiest Hair

    Here’s another tough category with so many worthy entries. I’ve boiled it down to four of the finest in douche-hair of the past year, and this is another category I’ll be opening up for voting. I have a few categories I’ll just be handing out awards in, because hey, it’s the Douchies not the Oscars.

    So fire up the grill and skewer some strip steaks on these frosted tipped douchebag porcupines. Here are the nominees…

    Spikiest Hair Douchie Nominee #1: Yet More Cactus Head

    This is a classic two-toned ‘bag muscle-t example, complete with ‘bag face expression #02 and two half-drunk and long lost Bleethed out hotties.

    But the hair.

    Oh man that glorious spiked out hair. It’s like bronze sculpture from the early impressionist period. I half expect Man-Ray to hang it on a wall next to a a Duchamp bicycle wheel. It is douche art.

    Spikiest Hair Douchie Nominee #2: Chin o’ Douche

    I keyed in on C.O.D.’s chin when I first posted this pic, but now that I look at it again, I can’t believe I didn’t celebrate the shampoo-like swirly genius that is this dark and foreboding winter sea. Melville would have waxed poetic on this hair swirl, oh so long ago. Or, for the gutter humor fans, its like a giant pile of ferret puke.

    Not to mention the deadly coral snake coiling around his neck. Add in that lively arc of Cleavite that could even make The Boitano find new ways of double axeling and this pic is all sorts of HCwD head pounding wrongness.

    Spikiest Hair Douchie Nominee #3: Purple Lips

    This pic really deserves a special award, and I’m still not sure how this monstrosity didn’t make it into a HCwD of the Month winning entry, but it may have had to do with the “HC” side of the ledger. Regardless, Purple Lips deserves a little end of year Douchie Love (and by love I mean “spew”). If he doesn’t win this category I’ll have to give this turd some form of special honor.

    Megods.

    My eyes hurt like they’ve just run a marathon. Maybe we’ll do a special award here at HCwD, if you can stare at this pic without blinking for twenty seconds, you’ll get a free bottle of Night Train. Okay, no not really. Unless by “Free bottle of Night Train” I mean that I’ll point you towards the local corner store where you can buy your own damn bottle for $1.99 plus deposit.

    Spikiest Hair Douchie Nominee #4: Supernova

    It’s hard to argue with this slice of all-American douche goodness. Prom night never felt so scrotey. Like a sunflower plant basking in the rays of the Grieco Himself, this blooming ball of ‘baggery has taken his first steps down the dark road of perdition.

    Voting, as always, is in the comments thread. And since this is the end of year voting for the 2006 Douchie Awards, voting will be open all week. Winners, and virtual trophies, will be handed out next week.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, December 25, 2006

    The Douchies: Scariest Scrote

    This a vote for those HCwD pics that illicit pure horror and fear. So this isn’t “scary” in the sense of a horrifying White Chocolate pic. We’ll have another category for that type of fear/revulsion. This is the Horror ‘Bag category of the Douchies.

    Without further ado, the nominees are…

    Scariest Scrote Nominee #1: Old No. 7


    A classic HCwD from last summer, I would like to reiterate that Old No. 7 is a class act, a scholar and a gentleman who is by no means a douchebag on any level whatsoever.

    Please do not break me in half, Cro ‘Bagnon Man.

    Scariest Scrote Nominee #2: Wake Up!!


    Holy crap, this ‘bag goes beyond ordinary creepiness into another level of scrotery. But I do love this wholesome tomato. She’s corn-fed Midwestern goodness.

    This pic makes no sense. Which makes it a glorious contribution to the HCwD canon.

    Scariest Scrote Nominee #3: The Angry ‘Bag
    Maybe Angry ‘Bag doesn’t quite create the visceral horror of the other two pics, but he’s frightening in his own right, and he’s protecting quite the little ball of hot wax with his angry gaze. Plus he’s got hair issues and a sweat stain that frighten children like Michael-Jackson-Nose.

    While it’s true that this creepy knob may not be on the stomach churning level of the other two pics, lets also not forget his absolutely fantastic hottie.

    Oh hell, I’m stretching. I couldn’t find a pic to live up to the other two but I needed a third to round out the category.

    So here you go. Douchie Award voting is open…. now.

    Scariest Scrote Nominee #4: The Warthog


    EDIT: Crap, I can’t believe I forgot The Warthog. Dammit, I knew sorting throw all the pics of the last year was going to be tough. If anyone’s already voted and wants to redo their vote for this Planet of the Hog, do so in the comments thread.

    Damn, I forgot how fantastic a pic this is. It’s like being punched in the face, and yet I like it. Must be the grey plastic sportscoat and American flag bandana.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, December 25, 2006

    The Douchies: Lifetime Douchievement Award, Richard Grieco

    For setting the standard for all douchosity as we’ve come to know it, for defining the modern club going, greased up Jersey ‘bag, and for polluting the once pure and snowy Fair Maiden Yasmine Bleeth until she became a ‘bag hand gesturing cokehead, our first Douchie Award must honor the hallowed Grieco himself.

    Skeezier than even that other contender for the source-douche crown, Micky Rourke’bag, The Grieco’s overwhelming power of douchosity ripples and refracts across all corners of the pop culture spectrum.

    From the early 1990s with his bling, facial pubes and bizarre t-shirts, The Grieco set the standard by which all other douchebags only hope to live up to.

    He scrotes with the power of a thousand nuclear suns.

    He is the Source.

    He is the Origin.

    He is The Holy Douche by which all others are measured. Do not doubt Him. For He has powers of ‘baggery you can’t even begin to fathom.

    Let us all bow our heads on this Christmas Day and solemnly hand out our very first Douchey Award for Lifetime Douchievement to the ur-scrote Himself, Richard Grieco. Come let us a-douche Him.

    I feel humbled merely being in His greasy presence. I am touched by His ‘baggery. Remember kids, every time a Grieco rings, a douchebag gets his bling.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Sunday, December 24, 2006

    Douchemas Eve

    ‘Twas the night before douchemas,
    and all through the house,
    not a scrotebag was stirring,
    not even this hairy sleeveless shirt wearing tool.

    Okay that’s it on the poem, there’s no way I’m attempting the next seven verses when I feel like I’ve been kicked in the head by too many Rolling Rocks. Can’t get a Rolling Rock on the West Coast so gotta stock up and abuse the liver while I’m here.

    This sweet reindeer won’t survive long. Note the Izod with collars about to pop up like a hungry titmouse on Christmas morn.

    Yeah, I just analogized a collar to a titmouse. Because it’s the holidays. And when I’m looking at a mustachioed tool like this oval headed Village Person, I can do that.

    I do appreciate anyone who wears the Snake Plissken shirt, tho.

    Merry Christmas!! And to all a ‘bagless and hottie filled night.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Sunday, December 24, 2006

    The Twelve 'Bags of Christmas


    At first I was gonna do a twelve post daily countdown of the twelve ‘bags of Christmas, but that would entail all sorts of conceptual breakdowns of HCwD ‘baggery along metaphorical lines (what exactly is a douchebag in a pear tree, anyways?).

    So instead you simply get this pic.

    With three douchebags instead of twelve.

    But how much do you want to punch ‘bag hand gesture #113? What is that, anyways? A “Westside”? A distorted “Shocker”? Or just confirmation that aqua-blue silk zoot suits can not hide the soul of a scrote?

    As for the two knobs fondling inflatable santa, that’s all you two choads are gonna get this Christmas. Inflatable Santa ass.

    # posted by douchebag1
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