Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Pepe Le Poo

Amazingly, Pepe Le Poo’s strange and nasty odor is not enough to keep away a Chiquita Rose. Pepe’s alien fungus spreads quickly down his arm. Soon he will mutate into a Triffid.

I’m attracted to Chiquita, yet she appears strong enough to kick my ass two times without breaking a fingernail or dropping a bracelet.

This troubles me. Yet also excites me.

Her Salma Hayek sultryness betrays a belly dancing exoticism that sings songs of Lebanese otherness in one ear, while she throws a drink in my other ear.

And really, who throws a drink in someones ear? Stop it now, Chiquita. I didn’t mean to grab your boobies.

The Guy-Who-Ruins-The-Lez-Kiss-Pic Douche

There’s always one. The friend of a friend who no one else at the party knows.

The turd who jumps in and ruins the best moment from the best party of second semester of your sophomore year.

We all remember that guy.

If you’re at a party and this happens, take quick steps to remedy the situation. Give him three things:

1. A swift kick to the groin
2. Hand him the can of beer with the ashes and butts put out in it, which he will drink from. Because he’s a moron.
3. Throw him out in the hallway before someone puts on Aerosmith and the two hotts start the second act.

The Boatbag

Ah, the boatbag asshat. That certain type of asshattery that only manifests on a boat. Like scurvy. Or angry ghosts from the 1920s.

But God bless the late 1990s tramp stamp movement, seen here on Aqua Blue.

Push him overboard, Bud Light Jewel. I know you’re thinking about it.

The Double Doggie 'Bag

Behold!

The ultra-rare Double Doggie ‘Bag maneuver. Seen here performed by Alvin Ailey dance troupe member, Savion Gloverbag.

Somewhere between the Triple Lindy, Booger’s burp and Hoops McCann’s pinpoint shot to fix the jib during the regata race in One Crazy Summer, there lies the Double Doggie Bag.

Nicely done, Savion. Now tap-dance some mocap CG penguins.

Retro Douche: The Sax Guy in "Lost Boys"

Holy sweet Vampiric wrongness.

We may have found one of the key missing links of 80s filmic douchebaggery. The freaky sax guy in Lost Boys. Greased up, and strangely ahead of his time on the douche curve.

Although we all know who the true heroes of that flick were — The Frog Brothers. Perhaps the first ‘bag hunters of the modern age.

And lets not forget Jamie Gertz. 110 pounds of doe eyed stilted acting Hott.

The Technical Douchie: The Biggest, Lamest Most Pathetic Vigin

Commenter mike d weighs in:

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God how pathetic can you get making an awards show about guys who all get laid more than all of you. How about an award for the biggest, lamest, most pathetic losers? It could be called the “I’m a 35 year old vigin who still lives with my mother” award. Get a f@#$ing life.
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Presenting the First Technical Douchie Award (handed out a week before the Official Douchies), please welcome to the stage… the female and male prepubescent vigin stars of High School Musical.

And the First Technical Douchie for Biggest Lamest Most Pathetic Vigin goes to…

MIKE D.

Give him a hand, ladies and gentlemen!! And by hand, I mean your order. Biggie Sized. To go.

EDIT: Biggest, Lamest Most Pathetic Vigin Douchey Award winner Mike D has offered up his pic in the comments thread, you can honor his award winning visage here.

There is No Title For This Turd Except Put on a Shirt

So if Bruce Campbell mated with Gene Simmons in The Octagon, would we get this toolshed garden hoe as the progeny?

Yeah you, tatt boy. Put on a shirt, wrap up the tongue, and get your hands off my future masseuse.

She’s my little Scarlett Pimpernel. I’d play sixteen hours of Sonic the Hedgehog, my heart leaping with every gold coin, just for the chance to set the high score and vaguely impress her mom.

Speaking of moms, she kind of looks like the hot mom in Fountains of Wayne’s video to “Stacy’s Mom.”

Yup. That’s right. A Fountains of Wayne reference.

Lame, I know.

But it’s my dream to give commentary in the upcoming VH1 series, I’m Ambiguous About the OOs. So I gotta start practicing.

The Douchies: December 17th

Yeah I’m pimping this worse than Dolemite after the crack rock explosion.

So no Weekly this week, as I’m still trying to come up with some form of “playoffs” for the Monthly winners to determine the final three for the Yearly.

Yup. This and a college degree will buy me a doughnut at Fluffy’s.

Sunday Douchey Sunday

I can’t believe this douche today,
I can’t close my eyes and make it go away,
How long?
How long must he go shirtless,
How long, how looong?

Sunday douchey Sunday
Sunday douchey Sunday…

Ask DB1

Scrote Memory writes in:

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Love the site, but am perplexed & I believe that only you can answer this question:

While part of me can believe that the occasional misguided Hott is attracted to the mane & plume that all douche’s exhibit, my experience with the Hott is that they demand, at a primal level, that their mate has adequate financial resources before they acquiesce to a long-term relationship.
—-

To understand the presentational display of “wealth,” you must first understand that ‘bag signifiers like bling, hair gel, designer shirts and sunglasses are intended to be the markers not of income, but of cultural value.

To the boobie hott, wealth is not measured according to economic measurements, but along Bourdieu’s notion of Cultural Capital acquired in the public sphere. The hott is cashing in the chips of The Grey Goose.

Or she puts up with the grease because she digs on the abs.

Stupid abs.

That’s it. I’m hittin’ the gym. Tomorrow.