Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Week

These are three great candidates. And by great I mean a vile mix of cultural wrongness commingling with sexy perky boobage. In other words, the perfect Yin/Yang of hott/scrote wrongness.

But if you’re looking for the burnt redness of Millennium ‘Bag, scroll down. I gave him a bump directly to the Monthly. And by bump, I mean crimson.

So who gets to face off with Rusty in the Monthly? Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The ‘Bagnana Daiquiri

Uberscrotage can always be sussed out by the noxious display of the Ab Reveal.

Combine that with chin dribble, the ubiquitous white belt, and a pointy ‘hawk that could impale a leaping river salmon in mid-jump, and it’s Douche-Con 1.

Then factor in three ladies from the temp agency down the street on their night off, and it’s all sorts of wrongness.

But there’s one factor that makes the ‘Bagnana a serious competitor.

The hint of the groin-tatt poking over the belt.

Gross. Very gross.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Pincushion


Uhm, yeah.

Uberboobies.

Chin piercing from hell.

Hair that Clive Barker wrote horror books about.

So why am I still yammering on?

Because the boobies inspire me.

The belly button piercing focuses my muse.

And the hair makes me spit up griddle cakes.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Deathtongue

We’ve featured many gorgeous women on this site, but rare is the hott that makes me want to cut out my kidney with a rusty spoon.

Deathtongue’s Quartasian hott is one that does.

She is inspiring.

He is your rank small town college guitar playing business majoring uberdouche.

He’s not a pro-douche, which makes the pic even more heinous.

He is Deathtongue. He has rhinestones in his shirt.

And she is perfection.

I will now sucker punch a dwarf.

So them’s your three. Three extremely worthy candidates. This is one of the toughest Weeklys in awhile, and that’s why I depend on you.

Which combo of rightness and wrongness is the perfect mix of grease and boob to rise to the level of victor?

That is up to you. Cast your vote by posting, as always, in the comments thread.

HCwDB of the Week: Millennium 'Bag

I’m not ready to waive the waiting period for the Hall of Scrote for M.B. just yet. But since Millennium ‘Bag is a certain Weekly winner, I’m promoting him directly to the Monthly.

That way we can let the other three pics vie for the 2nd slot in the next Monthly instead of letting this Moulin Rougebag destroy the competition.

Yeesh.

Shaved head patterns, burnt man-tan and a plastic top. See you in the Monthly, Millenium Bag.

Now please let Pocahottie go before I mix you with sugar and call it Kool-Aid.

The Hot Chicks with Douchebags Book

It’s Sunday Night, and your humble narrator in all things chin-fungus/thigh-suckle, The DB1, has returned from a relaxing weekend of non-douche contemplation and boobie meditation.

Although it’s just under five months out, I’ve put up a link to pre-order my book through Amazon.com. You’ll see it on the upper left of the homepage.

We’re still working on the cover art, but the book will be a full color extravaganza through all the categories, subsections, manifestations and scatalogical classifications of all things douche/hott.

It’s 95% new pics (over 150 choice cuts of hott/scrote), features some site favorites, a roadmap to de-douchification, a history of douchebaggery, as well as a ton of surprises I don’t want to give away.

Needless to say I’m very proud of it, and if you’re a fan of this site, I think you’ll love it. I worked my ass off on it all summer and fall, and it’s all that I could’ve hoped for. Which means a cultural paradigm shifting artifact meant to confuse and perplex future historians.

I’ll post more info as the book release gets closer, as well as info on the Book Release Party in Las Vegas, Nevada. Yes, the Heart of Doucheness itself.

But for now we celebrate. And by celebrate I mean mock a classic ‘bag like White Chocolate.

Full posting resumes tomorrow.

The Princess and the 'Stache

Oh sweet innocent Princess Hott. To what depths have you fallen that you chose so poorly?

Who has cursed you to spend eternity kissing this Froggy ‘Stache?

Leave him.

For anyone.

Even #092 in the background.

Or simply wait for the blue alien ray-gun to vaporize his sorry ass.

The Angry Turtle

I’ve always dug leather pants on a hott. Especially one with that touch of Sheryl Crow mixed with a dash of Catherine Keener in The 40 Year Old Virgin.

Speaking of which, watching Superman Returns on HBO recently, I realized Catherine Keener would’ve been the perfect Lois Lane.

Too old? Maybe.

But 16 year old Kate Bosworth as a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist was like Will Smith as a brilliant medical biologist in I Am Legend.

In other words, no.

Call of Doody

So if Luke Skywalker and Willem Dafoe in Platoon douched out a child, we can conclude one thing:

That child would love staring at boobies.

At what point in the evening did Captain Scrote decide not only to bust a mandana the size of a Buick, but also go shirtless?

And at that point, shouldn’t Sandra Bullock Cutie have run away screaming?

The Double Sunglasser

I almost gave Scruffy Seymour Hoffman a “nottadouche” pass, but then I realized that not only is he wearing late night infomercial Blu-Blockers ™, but has another pair of sunglasses on the shirt.

One pair of dark sunglasses in the clubs is a stage one douchal offense, but two? Automatic douchification.

Pouty Rebecca Romijn O’Hottness has the expensive stare of a supermodel that says, Yes, I will love you. Now buy me the Prada.

And I would.

I would buy her the Prada.

Friday Haiku

Oh sweet Paola,
Frat dudes from Delta Tao Pi,
Not gangsters. Douche face.

angst is difficult
with your Dad’s Mazerati
valet parked outside

— the bag apple

Stupid grillz and teeth
Hott exchange student clueless
This is cool in Spain

— scrotebob douchepants

Satiny red hott
Don’t let metal teeth nibble
Or risk tetanus

— mr. white

grindle sniffing toads
ganstas! we’re black, you know it
padma lakshmi hott

— ‘bag lanta

Guy on right is mad
That hott is blocking her boobs
He wants his first feel

— the douche is alright

Just let the hott go
No one else needs to be Bagged
Paul Wall must be stopped

— burnsy

Bugs Belty

That last pic, “Bugs,” was just freaking me out. I’m not sure why. But I’m in a fickle mood and it’s Thursday night, so I’m blowing it away in favor of this noxious combo of a metrodouche and a Drunk Hott who knows not what she does.

Do you see what I see?

Apart from the shaved chested turd showing off his underwear.

Yup. There it is.

The Ubiquitous White Belt of Douchosity.

The Batman Utility Belt of Scrote.

The, uhm, cheesy-ass white belt. That sucks.

Reader Mail

I’ve been getting lots of email from Australia, Canada and the U.K. about the spread of global douchebaggery, but add another country to the list. The Lion writes in:

—-
DB1,

— The Lion
—–

It is sad to see the spread of K-Fed Douchery to all corners of the globe, and on behalf of my country, I apologize. Although it is hilarious to see that “Douched Out Yankee Cap” reaches across all nations and border-states to create the universal sign for “scrote.”

Regulations do little to stop the insidious spread of the Douche Virus, Lion, but mocking helps. Be sure to scream “Duuuuuche!” when witnessing a hottie/douchey commingle taking place, like Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

It doesn’t cure the plague.

But it helps.