Saturday, December 22, 2012

HCwDB of the Year: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy

HCwDBofftheYearSleepyAndCindy

In a shocking upset, the unholy alchemy of hott and douche that is the disgrace that is Sleepy and Cindy took down the powerhouse pro-douche force that is Benzino and Pear.

But this is as it should be, and justice was served.

While Kusseus Vomitorious and Margaret were ab-ripping inanity, and Benzino’s rancid DJ tattbaggery fondling hotts was all that Las Vegas diarrhea spews on our culture, none cohabited in (im)perfect dialectic quite like Sleepy/Cindy.

Factor in their contribution to the HCwDB Art Show in 2023 in “Innocence and Poo Face,” and we have ourselves a yearly winner, kids.

Some of the thoughts from the voters:

Blind Squirrel: Sleepy looks like a piece of scratch paper you use to get a pen working again.

Charles Nelson Doucheley: Sleepy has had this award written all over his face ever since he first appeared here.

Mr. Biggs: Sleepy’s mindless philosophizing haunts my brain.

The Douchey Dozen: Sleepy/Cindy. Because it is written. On his face.

Morbo: These two are what HCwDB should be. Wholesome Cindy, whose perfect auburn hair inspires soft melodies. Sleepy, whose face reminds me of the margins of my ninth-grade algebra notebook.

Duck Duck Douche: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy. Because protecting Cindy from Jerkenstein is why we’re here.

Douchble Helix: look at that sack of shit, Sleepy. Clueless, but original. And a great hott. All three are (un)worthy. But Sleepy commits, motherf@#kers. And you can’t sleep that shit off.

There it is. Although all three may end up in the Hall of Scrote when all is said and done.

Ladies and germs, here’s your 2012 Douchie Awards:

Douchiest Hair: Mickey the Polyp

The Ricky: Sweaterman Twists

Douchiest Doucheface: Mongor

Hardiest Hardy: This Guy

Jerziest Jerz: Arturo, Skinny Kathy, and a Dirty-Ass Door

Douchiest Family: The Tapoutskys

Douchiest Facial Fung: The Craptastopher

Most Euro Eurobag: Brobot

Douchiest Pepsi: Alissa’s Pepsi Challenge

Herpsteriest Herpster: Braden the Metalworker

Best Golden Globes #1: Sonya

Most Expensive First Date Hott: His-name-is-Huang-But-Call-Him-Joe’s Roxanne

‘Bag Most Likely to be a Lesbian in Drag: Bernie

Smells Like Poo: Crotchos

Most Impending Sign of Nuclear Scrotocalpyse: Cartoon America

Peariest Pear: Spindarella Pear

Douchiest ‘Bag Innovation: Place to Store Your Cigarettes #42

Greatest Hottie Development: The Side-Boob Cleavite Dress Reveal

Golden Globes: Sheertina

Douchiest Ruiner of Sapphic Love: Guy Who Ruins Pics of Hot Chicks Making Out Guy

Douchiest Celebrity Couple of the Year: Kanye/Kardouchian

Orangest Orange: Orangudan

Best Golden Globes: Globes For All!

Hottest Hott #1: Jenny From The Sci-Fi Poobags

Hottest Hott #2: Vespa Hott From Lord Helmet and Vespa Hott

The ‘Bagling: Eurotimmy

The Yellowtail: Mr. Tibbs

Greatest Crisis of Modernity: Gettin’ Swole. Son.

The John Largeman: Wise Black Man Howlin’ Cat

HCwDB at the Guggenheim

The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Xenu

Be sure to peruse some of these awards, especially the ones written by the regs, as there’s some fine mock in there.

And for our hallowed Hall of Mock let us welcome the following Class of 2012:

douche equis

Capt. James T. Douche

Charles Nelson Douchely

THEONETRUEDOUCHE

Merle Baggard

ehcuodouche

Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Charles Douchewin

FredN.

Ol’ Dirty Douchebag

Congrats to you all for services rendered in the art of douche mocking and hott lusting. There were many more on the list of finalists, so you should all toast your induction with a sip of the ole’ Night Train via URC.

Lets also welcome Tiny Dancer Maria to our hallowed Hall of Hott.

And if you appreciated the 2012 Douchies, help support the site by checking out, and buying, some cool shit on Amazon. You don’t have to buy what I link to, just click through the link and a bit of what you end up buying (anything on Amazon) will pay for the costs of running the site.

Do it.

Rock the boat.

2012 Douchies out.

# posted by douchebag1
7:31 am December, 22 Ted Brogan said...

I’m perfectly OK that there are multiple Best Golden Globes awarded. Everyone’s a winner!

8:13 am December, 22 ehcuodouche said...

I’m honored! Woo-hoo!

8:46 am December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Yur all a bunch of degenerates. Congrats to the new inductees, even Fred N. and his racially sensitive nature. As always the show is ended with a perfunditude of country and alt-country to make Vin happy.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JinITWtW06U

9:03 am December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

John Michael Montgomery is a douchebag of the greatest proportion. And by proporion I mean size to cock ratio. The Reverend Chad is about 8″ short of JMM height measurement., If JMM and Rev Chad start to run from Philadelphia at 25 MPH and JMM has a 10% larger BMI, who gets to Jacksonville first? With a wind shear of 22 MPH vectored at 22.5% from the NW it is an estimable calculation. Rev Chad wants to fuck the blonde chick and devour her unknown virginal puss. So the answer is JMM is dead fron massive head and chest trauma allegedly inflicted by Rev Chad who had taken up with a video star blonde chick from decades ago and a cat named Kenny. Son.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMxio_lrybM

9:19 am December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Benzino was robbed but this fucking cocksucker needs a beatdown.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZzomrgmC4g

9:25 am December, 22 The Dude said...

I am shocked and saddened that Benzino didn’t come thru, especially with such a strong finish. Unholy Pear Fondle reached me in places that – er, made me reach to places that tingled with gratitude.

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Free the Pear!

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This loss is unPearable

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Sorry, it’s all I got. I’m depressed, so I’ll be in Vegas working as an escort telling clients I designed the Saturn V rocket.

9:28 am December, 22 Wheezer said...

Another great Douchies run, Boss! Wonderful mock all around!

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Hope you hatters have a great holiday season…..can’t wait to see what 2013 brings on the baghunting front…..

9:31 am December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzPA-FrVu3I

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What’s going on brothers? I’ll tell ya. Mrs. Kroeger and my fat kid are getting skinny.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzPA-FrVu3I

9:48 am December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That Taylor Swift was some hot ass when she was seventeen.

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I’d still hate fuck her for the Kennedys cause they got me on retainer.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzPA-FrVu3I

9:53 am December, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Congrats to the Hall of Mock inductees and to all the Yearly winners (losers).

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And how about that Rev Chad? One time I banged a girl from Guelph, Ontario who smelled like dirty hockey shoulder pads and cinnamon when I got down to her quim. She claimed to be a direct descendant of John Galt but I think she was a Métis, aka Canadian Mulatto, because she did this thing with her tongue that no high-class chick would/could ever do. I took her sexually in a manner favored by the Greeks in a cloak room in Old City Hall. A manner favored by the Greeks, I says.

10:02 am December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I don’t know what DW is talking about but I loves me some Rosie Vela. Son. Guelph sucks. Just ask Sir Charles Douchewin. Fucking Metis chicks Man. If they aren’t retarded with the Thalidomide or OxyContin, some of them hit 20 under 300 pounds and fuck like She-Moose in heat. Sometimes for cash and weed which is excellent for the peen relkief.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMmRyyU0SOo

10:05 am December, 22 Douchble Helix said...

Great job, Chief, and all the regs.

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How’s about a pic or link to Tiny Dancer Maria?

10:22 am December, 22 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I’m not celebrating a fucking thing ’til we get the promised DW Xmas story. I’d even drink rancid eggnog that tasted vaguely of copper for a Connie Stevens / Audrey Hepburn (Respect) sapphic scene.

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Thanks to DB1 and the regs for another laugh filled year.

10:46 am December, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

It’s only fitting that Cindy won cause her naturals in “Innocence and Poo Face” makes me want to Fa la la la la, la la la la all over them. I’m exhausted yet elated for this was a fine Douchie Awards season. To all of yinz out there thanks for the comedic gold that is your comments. May your bud be sticky, your booze be thirst quenching, and your recreationals pure. I’m starting early today with some Jim Beam and then on to the annual neighbors party. Bunch of milfs getting drunk, whilst their hubbys aren’t paying attention. I have my eye on one of them and by eye on one I mean her taught, years of yoga, ass.

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@Rev

I’ll probably be on a bender til I pass out Sunday night so for our weekly wager I’ll take Stillers straight up against the Bungles.

11:05 am December, 22 Bag Margera said...

It was a very tight race indeed, but in the end my faith in Democracy remains intact. Speaking of remaining tight and intact, lets hope the same goes for Cindy after her night of being fondled by a retarded leper.

11:09 am December, 22 FredN. said...

Fuck yes, I made the list.

Merry Xmas my christian frenemies. Santa died for our sins.

11:24 am December, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

More memories of Guelph. She was only 18 and a half a retard. She had a 5 o clock shadow on said quim that was reminiscent of Wolverine, another famous Canuck. She hadn’t yet started to gain weight, and was a God-fearing woman. And by God-fearing woman I mean she screamed Oh God as I was making the Greek Gods proud.

11:39 am December, 22 The Dude said...

Thanks for another funny year of mockery, boss! Thanks to ‘Sock for minding the gaps and for Fraiku Freakery. Thanks in advance for the one christmas present I’m really looking forward to – DW’s tail. Tale.

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Yes FredN. That Santa is one heck of a chimney sweep!

11:41 am December, 22 The Dude said...

RevChad, I’m beginning to comprehend your posts more regularly. You make me laugh, but that scares me.

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I’m scared right now, but that’s because I’m a pussy.

12:24 pm December, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Bein’ that this is the Christmas season and all, I figures I’ll tell ya a story about one a Dean’s Christmas Party TV specials. It was an All-Star friggin cast. Dean had Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Steve and Eydie, Petula Clark, Debbie Reynolds, Carol Channing, Paul Lynde, The Lennon Sisters, Burl Ives and June Foray who was a broad who did all kinds a cartoon character voices like that squirrel who could fly and that Russian spy broad who worked with the short Russian guy with the deep voice and funny mustache. And when Dean did one a his shows he always had an huge crew a celebrities in the wings, even though they wasn’t none of ‘em gonna be on the show.

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These shows always was a lot a standin around waitin for stuff to happen and people to perform. With all a the booze and bangin that was goin on, it’s amazin any a these shows ever got made at all. 

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First of all, Joey Bishop was playin’ ping pong ball games with Annette Funichello’s Balloon Knot behind the bandstand and two a Frank’s Hoboken goons, Eddie Bimbo and Tony Lemoncello was cheerin’ them on. Balloon Knot, I says. And then Steve and Eydie came in and tole me they had just finished makin another one a their homemade scat films and Eydie was talkin to me about doin something called “The Brownie Bowl,” which made me wanna puke and almost ruined my night. Hearin’ about that stuff was worse than goin down on a broad and eatin Bad Bing. Bad Bing, I says.

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Then there was this Sharri Lewis broad who walked around with a fuckin sock puppet on her hand all a the fuckin time, and she did this annoying voice. Dean tole me he drilled her once at some Emmy Award after party, and she handered him with the sock puppet and used the puppet voice the whole time he was Rotor Rooterin’ her.

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I don’t know if this is widely known. Bing was Frank’s idol, but Bing couldn’t stand the “Eye-Ties,” and “Fuckin’ Guineas,” as he called them. Bing also loved to gag dames when he banged them, and found a willing partner in the British bird Petula, who was kinkier than Gabe Kaplan’s Jew ‘fro. During the taping a the show Bing used one a his support hose socks as a gag and went Doggie on Petula in his dressing room. Doggie, I says. The walls was paper thin and the Green Room was on the other side a Bing’s dressing room and we heard the whole thing. When Bing came he made a sound, a high-pitched, “Foo-foo-foo. Foo-foo-foo.” Over and over. We was all like, “What the fuck is that?!?” Foo-foo-foo, I says.

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The Lennon Sisters was these goody-two-shoes singing act sisters who was on the Lawrence Welk Show. In my experience, goody-two-shoe dames usually fuck like the Dickens. The Dickens, I says. Sure enough Frank was pokin all four a them on an off for a couple a weeks before and after the shoot. Dean just had em around because he knew they’d bang wild. Dean couldn’t stand their music, but as Frank used to say, “Hey, I ain’t recordin with ‘em, I’m just fuckin ‘em.” They loved the Yule Log. Ya mean?

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Meanwhiles, there was the full-blown Finnoch Paul Lynde lookin to hook up with any a the other Finnochs on the set. Madon, he was after any leg with hair on it.  Debbie Reynolds, who always loved to boff, and Channing were both after Lynde, never figurin they wasn’t his type, and that his type had to have a cock.

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Channing wound up garglin’ on Bob Goulet’s nuts and I had ta take Reynolds in the keister, as she was feelin’ down and loved a good shot in the Pink Pucker. Pink Pucker, I says.  The whole scene was outta hand, like the orgy parties that famous Ancient Greek or Roman dictator, or whatever the fuck he was, used to have where broads was bangin horses and everybody was screwin everybody.  And I don’t remember a damn thing about the show except the bangin related details. Plus Debbie was a great lay. By the way, Deb’s another goody-two-shoes who was the Bee’s Knees when it came to ballin’.

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So anyways, I hope all a youse has a Merry Christmas. And to my Jew friends I says, L’Chaim!

1:55 pm December, 22 Rev Chad after finally finding WBMHC said...

I don’t know wjat yhr fivk is gpomg om. Mrs. snd lods gonr to movir eiyh her parent. Can you fuvking give me the dignityy of spproving your trip you fvkimng theatre. I don’ fucking care anyway. I got chicks on the side you fucking bitch sbd one will be here ehrn you gt bsck you slutty teensager..

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And the sad Chridtmsd story og thr Kroegers.

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Ave a rootin pootin fucking holiday you perverted fuckerd.

And remember, there is KISS an d there id Garth and if you vominr them hey sound like the Puges.

. Merry Christmas you bunch oif fuckd.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9jbdgZidu8

2:30 pm December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

One more hsppo tune for the Hsale Dais.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHYOXyy1ToI

2:34 pm December, 22 creature said...

^ rev chad is morphin into Flyteeth

….well done once again boss!

2:36 pm December, 22 creature said...

…gonna go pistol whip me a dirty pagan now….& by pistol whip I mean, well, you know

2:36 pm December, 22 creature said...

…by ‘dirty pagan’ I mean drunken milfy seasise slut

2:37 pm December, 22 creature said...

seaside…doh!

2:45 pm December, 22 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

I’d like to dedicate my move into the Hall of Mock to all the little people who have gone before me, namely Little Beaver, David Rappaport and Billy Barty

I will toast this with fine wine and finer women. Namely, drinking whatever cheap booze I can find while watching old Price is Right episodes on youtube and mentally undress Holly Hallstrom.

2:54 pm December, 22 Vin J Douchal said...

DoucheyWallnuts just put the spike in our egg nog. Spike I says

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All youse guys gave me a chuckle this year. Db1 with another stellar year of tagging. Some of those names made me spit my Pepto Bismol and I wasn’t even drinking any

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>br>

@ Rev 8:46

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You could not have two musical acts I hate more than Garth Brooks and Kiss. Another reason 93% of 80’s music was fer shit. That and electronic drums. C’mon WTF is was that? Drums are the reason you bop around not some twinkly computerized percussion

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Let’s see that one armed fuccer from Def Leppard do this shit :

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Buddy Fuccen Rich . In a tux, no less. That high hat shit at 1:25 is insane

.

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Phantom hits

3:01 pm December, 22 Ted Brogan said...

Chad, are you OK man? Have another look at Tiny Dancer Maria. It’s good for whatever ails ya. Including decreased blood flow to the nether-regions.

http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/TDM_Front1.jpg

4:18 pm December, 22 Douchble Helix said...

Thanks, Ted Brogan! Wasn’t there another spinner on these pages at the same time? Maybe twins, or something?

Man, how do you top DoucheyWallnuts?

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How do you top The Rev?

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You don’t. You only hope to contain them.

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X-mas cheers, hatters!!!

4:24 pm December, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I all for Bag Margera to the Hall of Mock , Son.

4:33 pm December, 22 hermit said...

Congratulations Sleepy, you’ll have to live with this dishonor for a full year. The shame of that wretched graffiti on your mug will haunt you for the rest of your pathetic life.

4:39 pm December, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Buddy Rich was 65 when he performed that solo. Keith Moon was/will be dead over 30 years when he would be that age…

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Wait, what?

5:26 pm December, 22 Douchble Helix said...

I don’t remember TDM in that red bikini. Nice.

5:31 pm December, 22 Douchble Helix said...

A tribute to the newest in the HoH, and two friends…

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http://img254.imageshack.us/img254/3811/3spinners.jpg

6:49 pm December, 22 Billy The Scrote said...

Benzino sits in defeat, weaping.

8:14 pm December, 22 The Dude said...

Spinners! Thanks for the triple treat, Helix

8:50 pm December, 22 Guid is Good said...

Benzino is gonna be pissed.

2:18 am December, 23 The Dude said...

Fuck, I can’t find the thread, on account of I am obnoxiously drunk. Somewhere Vin D made reference to the ~terewilliger tube~ and by the time I was done guffawing about that I had signed up for hermit’s blog!

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thank you both!

8:05 am December, 23 ehcuodouche said...

A hearty cheer to DW who has kept me entertained all year with his reminiscences.

8:15 am December, 23 Ted Brogan said...

One more long-lost TDM pic:

http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2012/01/13/friday-thoughts-and-links-146/

9:53 am December, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Boy was I fucked up yesterday. Good Buudy Vin and DW that was tyhe tits tits.

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I feel that the younger crowd observing our nonsensical continuing tirade against nonsense is being under represented. And by misrepresented I mean we need to teach them more about The Greatest Generation. Fuck you Brokaw! I used that name back in the 80’s in my political economy class when I was a T.A.you Plagos.

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Ladies and Gentiles I present to hyou the young Judy Garland.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5g4lY8Y3eoo

10:04 am December, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Or how about a threesome with Vera Ellen and Rosemary Clooney, before the elephantism. Sorry about Garth Vin I thought you like that one last year.

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I’m in for that game Et Tu.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZ3FYYTOn5U

10:33 am December, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I was wondering what I would do next Sunday morning while the she-tribe is at church in the States. I figured I ‘d just think of one thing like playin snooker and gettin stoned with the boys then I remembered this bisexual duo I haven’t seem in a while. They are ferocious ball lickers and swallowers and love each others boxes. Lots of Kegel work as well. I found $500 in my suit so fuck it.

10:34 am December, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Fuck my memory is fucked.

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http://www.mmpricelesspearls.com/

10:55 am December, 23 Dickie Fingers said...

Always remember to cup the base of your Douchie when you drink from it Sleepy.

Nice work this year, one and all.

12:58 pm December, 23 Troy Tempest said...

Every time I look at Sleepy, I just want to slap the shit out of his stupid ignorant face, and then make him eat it.

1:10 pm December, 23 Douchble Helix said...

Oh, yeah, Sleepy and the girl-next-door hott are what this blog was intended for.

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How great is The Rev and his ramblings? Put his stuff next to that LaPierre guy from the NRA, and The Rev don’t sound so drunk.

7:27 pm December, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That Lapierre guy is fucking funny Son .Just like CNN’s continuous revolving child face show on Wolff Shiksas show. Fuck.

9:58 am December, 24 Et Tu Douche? said...

My head still hurts from this weekends copious amounts of Jim Beam. Maybe subconsciously I was channeling my inner Rev Chad. That being said it’s probably not a wise idea to channel Rev Chad as he is a seasoned pro at what he does as I’ve been relegated to a shell of my former party self.

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The sight of Sleepy & Cindy makes me want to drop a Yule Log on his face as for Cindy I’d like to dribble my Egg Nog all over her cleavite.

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Stillers sucked ass this season and somehow I’m into the Rev for $80CDN which isn’t bad as seeing that’s worth about $26.85 US.

11:22 am December, 24 Vin J Douchal said...

Ya know, its cold and damp just like in the Sinatra song here. This is when we have to thank our friends to the north for Crown Royal.

11:37 am December, 24 creature said...

et tu….as Pfah would say, decorate them bad boys with a map of Hawaii!

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islanders

12:17 pm December, 24 douche equis said...

Hall of Mock? Moi? I blush.

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You think you’ve accomplished something in life. You do this, you do that, you feel good about it. The Black Dynamite animated series gets renewed for a second season. ( http://www.deadline.com/2012/12/adult-swims-black-dynamite-renewed-for-second-season/ ).

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Then comes the Hall of Mock, making all other achievements seem hollow. Empty. Devoid of meaning.

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I feel rather like Toto did when they won the Grammy as best producer, saying that they were thrilled to be in the company of REAL producers like (and named them). Y’all are hilarious; I’m just along for the ride.

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I am proud of calling the HCwDB of the Year winner two years in a row, however. Next year the pressure will be on. And I will be here to wilt under it.

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All the best in 2013!

1:22 pm December, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Et Tu

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Remember we have a $50 bet for the Giants to straight up win the Superbowl from September.

We’ll be even in a month.

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I have fucking head infection again. Hence the nonsensical rambling. 330 Amoxicllind will care it away. Nothing wrong with government run heakth care, Sons. Get some!.

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I cruise through the season knowing I’m fucking two 20 year olds next Sunday. I love hookers.

a

1:37 pm December, 24 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Enjoy some Beer Nog over the holidays:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1RN3cYnY9k

3:30 pm December, 24 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Rev

Not only are you a scholar but you’re a gentleman. I forgot about the Super Bowl bet. Mmmmm…….. two 20 year old hookers, Canadian hookers at that. Give them a little bit of thee ole slap & tickle for me if you’re coherent enough at that point.

4:02 pm December, 24 Douchble Helix said...

The Rev is kinda like how Fonzie, by simply reading his line(s) each week, became a sensation.

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Good on you, sir!

7:56 pm December, 24 Troy Tempest said...

OK fuckers. It’s Christmas eve. You need a Christmas story. So, here’s Christmas story cuz I’m fuckin HAMMERED on Drmabuieueie and barely hanging on.

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So let’s see… Hmmmm. I know – Xmas 1985. So I was living like a fuckin’ monk at the time. I had an exwife and an exGF no fuck buddy or nothing. The exwife hated me and the exGF was bonkers. The exGF, I’ll call “Janet” cuz that was her fucking name, before the witness protection thing, but that’s another story, so like Janet calls me up and is all like “Troy, I’m sad. It’s coming up on Xmas and I ain’t got no one to lick my pussy!” And I knew I could easly do ythat, but no fuckin way was I going down on her – she broke my heart in 17 pieces, and I wasn’t going to put myself anywhere near there. So I was like “Geee babe, sucks to be you.”

J: Yes it does. I’m done with this shit.

T: What do you mean?

J: WEll, when I dumped you, I started dating the guy who worked in the photobooth in the mall parking lot.

T: Jason?

J: Yeah, JAson.

T: Oh, darlin’ JAson’s a fucking douchebag.

J: I know.

T: Really, how did you figure that one out?

J: He beat me up and raped me.

T: WHAT THE FUCK?

J: Yeah.

T: Did you go to the cops?

J: No.

T: WHY THE FUCK NOT?

J: I just… couldn’t.

T: We need to talk. Like face to face.

J: I can come to your place.

T: Sure thing. I’m here.

.

So, about an hour later she shows up. I give her a beer, and in about 10 minutes, she’s having a complete nervous breakdown on my couch. I hold her, stroke her hair, talk to her, listen as best I can, and let her just go on and on. And on.

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Finally, I get her to talk about plans for the future.

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T: So, what next, Janet?

J: I’m going to kill myself.

T: WHAT THE FUCK?

J: Seriously.

T: WHY?

J: My life is a total failure. And I’m going blind.

T: What?

J: Yeah. I have macular degeneration. I’m only 30. This isn’t good. I’ll be blind as a bat by the time I’m 35. I ruined your life. I ruined my life. I’m done. I’ve caused enough damage, and now I’m going blind. Fuck it. FUCK IT TROY. It doesn’t matter! Really!

T: You matter to me. Even though you broke my heart, you dumped me – I still care about you. EVen if Jason raped you. If you want, I’ll go beat te living crap out of him. Like right now. Janet – you’re a really sweet and wonderful person. I don’t want you dead, I want you around.

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(she was one of the HOTTEST fucks I ever knew…. Just, incredibly expressive, horny, and passionate. 10 out of 10 in bed and she was also very pretty in a “Suzanne Vega” kind of way. If I ever got back into her panties – that would have been a small victory…)

J: I have it all planned – it will be untraceable and seem like an accident.

T: Then why are you telling me?

J: Because you’re the only man who ever cared about me as a person – we can talk about anything, and that matters to me.

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(She was also Mensa level smart – had a BS in bio science, an MA in environmental science, and another MA in English Lit – so conversations with her were automatically super deep and very intense – I like that. Most guys don’t.)

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So I finally talked her out of killing herself. I don’t know how. I drove her home and tucked her in bed. Kissed her a lot, and left. I felt like I had done the right thing, that I had done something good. She might be dead tomorrow, but I know, I did the right thing, and I did it as best I could.

.

(She is still alive. Retired now. Still alone. Her macular degeneration was misdiagnosed. IT was actually just an infection that went away after fucking her life up for 3 years. But she is now very active in her life – she does what she can and enjoys her time on this little green planet of clocks.)

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When I got home, a buddy of mine, Dave, who worked at a crappy UHF TV station called me and said “Come over to work – bring some beer. We can watch a movie!” So, I bought a six pack of Newcastle and wandered over to his station building. We cracked a few beers and talked about all kinds of shit. He had a bottle of Vodka, so we were getting completely blasted.

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T: So, like, Dave – what the fuck are we gonna be watching tonight?

D: Oh, man – it’s a fucking classic.

T: Really? Like black and white classic?

D: Totally dude – a story of redemption and everything!

T: No shit! What’s the title?

D: IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE.

T: Fuck.

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I couldn’t tell him what had just happened to me. I watched the movie and tried hard not to cry. It began snowing as I walked home, and my tracks filled in. In the morning, there was no evidence of my being on the street. Ther ewas only my memory of having walked, and my memory of remembrance – remembrance of things long past, of loss and gain, of life and emptiness.

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I called Janet. Wished her merry christmas. She apologised for previous night. I forgave her, along with all her other transgressions for being such a lunatic. You see, Janet doesn’t “joke around” – not her style. If I hadn’t convinced her not to kill herself, she would have died that night. Xmas eve 1985. Would the world be different? Mine would.

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But the big question is, is yours? Mine is.

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Twirling the plastic flower between my fingers, Janet is the short circuit of my life.

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Oh, and one more thing:

FUCK FISHSLAP.

AND SLEEPY JERKENSTAIN.

9:49 pm December, 24 The Dude said...

You are a good bloke there, Troy. Even if you attract suicidal girls.

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Oh, and Jimmy Stewart would agree.

9:51 pm December, 24 The Dude said...

Fish Slap was a special one. I just had the (dis)pleasure of revisiting his (splat) landing on this hallowed site.

10:00 pm December, 24 Ted Brogan said...

Good show, Troy. You, sir, are a scholar and a gentleman.

This is the sort of thing that puts this site a cut above the other “single-serving” sites. For example, there exists a site dedicated to young ladies in yoga pants. While the pics are quite nice, the cleverness of the operator of the site is limited to quips like “Which would you hump?” or “I’d bang her.” And I won’t even get into the drivel that comprises the comment threads.

DB1, thanks for putting this all together. I owe you a black-market order of Ho-Hos and a bottle of Night Train. Your HCwDB book holds a proud place on my coffee table. I look back at the 2007 Douchies and get a little choked up about how my life has been influenced by this site over the years. And to the regulars, you know who you are, you make this site what it is.

It is now time to nestle snug in my bed, while alcohol-induced visions of TDM dance in my head…

1:31 am December, 25 Douchble Helix said...

Should have at least gotten a blowie for that Mitzvah, Mr. Tempest.

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Merry Christmas, hatters!

7:19 am December, 25 hermit said...

Troy,

Nice work son.

“Every time a psycho is talked off the ledge, a puppet gets his strings.”

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Suicidal is preferable to homicidal. The dear mother of my children tried to stab me on two occasions.

8:04 am December, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Troy’ s beautiful story may lead to some good old Canadian fratricide today. Never liked my brother. Son.

8:07 am December, 26 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

I am honored and humbled to be inducted into the Hall of Mock, where legends reside. I can only hope that some of my musings have sent coffee out noses as others have done for me. I would like to thank DB1. This remains one of the few places where I have not been banned and my crude comments are welcomed. Lastly to the Class of 2012-meet me at the bar – I’m buying.

7:24 pm December, 26 Stephanie said...

Merry Christmas & Happy Chanukah to all of you,even you Dark Sock. Well chosen winner this year, the garbage gets better and better.

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