Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Week Two – They Still haven't noticed I'm not DB1

Awright I’ma run this station wagon into the ditches for a second week.

Strap in, and concentrate your fire power on that fully armed and operational DoucheStar.

That’s no small moon…

Fishbone in the 1980s

Since the ‘Sock is traveling today, here’s a little glimpse into the early teenage DB1’s favorite band of the late 1980s, Fishbone.

Clip is from “Tapeheads” a little seen film starring the ubiquitous Cusack and pre-Durham Robbins.

Wallnuts After Dark: What's Wit This Friggin' Canada Football League, Eh?

So the other night I’m switchin’ through the channels, as is my wont, and I come across this Canada Football, and at first I was happy to watch the football, but then I thought I was havin’ a stroke wit all a the guys on offense runnin’ towards the line a scrimmage before the ball’s snapped an wearin’ these crazy uniforms. My wont, I says.

Then I noticed they’s playin on a bigger field wit more guys on a side an wit an end zone that’s bigger than my Aunt Tessie’s googutz. Googutz, I says. I mean is this football? Why did them Canadians have to go an ruin America’s best thing asides from Frank and Jack Daniels?

At first it kinda looks like the football but then the more you look at it the worser it looks. Kinda like when you see a pretty dame an then when you get real close an start talkin to her you realize she’s a re-tard or some other kinda wacko, or has a booger hangin’ from her schnozzola or some kind a schmutz stuck in her teeth.

There ain’t nothin’ worse than somethin’ you thought was Jake, becomin’ a bad scene.

Another thing, I didn’t realize they’s has so many black guys in Canada. Madon, who knew? Then I got to wonderin’, you know, how blacks was called, “colored” and “Negro,” before settlin’ on African American. So do they call Canadian blacks  “African-Canadian?” Am I wrong when I ask that?

Hey, I ain’t got no beef wit no one and don’t care what they wanna call themselves, I just don’t wanna go to Canada and say the wrong thing to the wrong guy an get into some kinda beef, if you catch my drift.

So if this guy I know from the neighborhood, Elbow Grease Vito, showed up wearin’ one a them Deadlock wigs wit the light color ends, would he’d look better than he does wit his current Dome Piece that looks like a veal cutlet? Just wonderin’.

This Canada football reminds me a the time Meyer T. Fleishman (he used to say the “T” was silent. Fuccen funny guy.) got me involved in the music business. When he told me he was gonna put me wit a band, I was figurin’ I was gonna wind up wit somethin’ like Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. But instead I wound up with this group a dirty British Pischocs that was called “Fudge Tunnel,” an had a record album called “Hate Songs in D Minor,” or some fuccen thing.

I come to find that this group played something called Sludge Rock that sounded like the noises I’d hear when Butchie “The Butcher” Rizzo used to settle up wit deadbeat skells who had skipped out on debts owed to the Scarfo boys down there in Philly. An another thing, when I got back from seeing the Fudge Tunnel play a gig out in L.A. where one a them pissed on stage durin’ the show wit Mrs Wallnuts sittin’ right there at Ringside, front and center, I had Skinny D’Amato pay old Meyer a visit that he ain’t never recovered from. An he never was heard from again, by the way. Except from his proctologist, I’mst bettin’.

So anyways, for as much as I love the Pigskin, I’ll be leavin’ that Canada Football League watchin’ to others. It’s like that Canada Bacon, it ain’t no bacon, it’s friggin’ Taylor Ham!

Friday 'Sock and Links

Mulletosis sucks it up for our Friday Thoughts and Links.

The hotlines were open all week and here’s what I gots:

How to start shit while riding around Biloxi, MS.

Exactly what’s going on up there in Pennsylvania?

Way ahead of you, Skippy…

55. That is the answer Madonna gives us to the perrenial question “How old is too old to get a “grill”?

A public safety reminder: Always notify law enforcement officers if you are carrying a concealed weapon.

Another public safety reminder: Do not shove silverware up your urethra.

But you didn’t come here to be safe.  I know why you ignored all the above links and just jumped to the bottom here…One more public safety reminder:  Excessive fapping can lead to neck strain.

50 Day Squirt Challenge Pear

Beloved Triangle Pear

Big Feet Pear

Daisy Duke Pear

Do You Know How Fast You Were Going Pear

Fiery Pear

Graffiti Pear

I’ll See You In Court Pear

No Time For Questions Just Get In Pear

NYC Rustic Pear

Peeling Pear

Pensive Pear

Floor Routine Pear

Sandy Pear Trilogy

Shelf Dusting Pear

Too Big For Her Britches Pear

You Bet Your Grass Pear

Son.

Friday Haiku

It’s Douche vs. Douche;

As they bomb each other’s shorts

I buy Jan a drink.

Faux Denim swim togs

And presence of douchebag spies

Have killed my renoB

— DoucheyWallnuts

What, me worry? These

Two are more interested

In each others goods

— Capt. James T. Douche

Her Heckle don’t Jeckle

Since the gyroscope was put

In her Monkey Hole

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Can’t Show our Faces

Angry Bleethes Looking For Us

Paternity Tests

— Bag Em Tag Em

“I don’t like these masks”

“Yeah, me neither. Makes it hard

to blow each other.”

— Jacques Doucheteau

These blokes need a cloak

While I stick my meat dagger

In her booby trap.

— Crucial Head

Just came from grade school;

undersides of those cones read:

“D-U-N-C-E”

— Wheezer

Friday Pearku™ is

The best idea I’ve heard

Since toilet paper.**

— The Dude

**^@ The Dude…Noted.

-D.S.

MackleDouche

Damn, that’s a cold-ass Douchie.

Also, apropos of nothing:

Lotta people talkin’, but few of them know; big legged woman ain’t got no soul.

Discuss.

DeathTongue Gives free STD checks…

…Whilst in the background Buttocks L’Orange haggles with Annie Rexic for sac time.

We still have a war to fight.

Son.

I declare this picture and the subjects therein to be subjected to…

THREE WORD THURSDAY.

Have at in the comments section.

Mulletosis discusses string theory with Paris…

…whilst simultaneously a random cheetah lounging on the savanna ponders making himself a douche-skin pair of chaps.

And thusly harmonic balance is sustained.

***UPDATE***

Just a friendly reminder that there will be no posting of gratuitous pear, no matter how much you beg for gratuitous pear.  Of which here’s an example of what I shan’t be posting.  Because we must maintain standards of scholarly discourse.

DJ Smelma Fanga introduces America's favorite new party game

What is going on here, People?

Discuss this disturbing new trend, as e’er, in the Comments Thread.

Big Head Todd and Vinnie Flat-Top Ponder the DuckFace Dilemma

What to do about the runaway duck-face Bleethe conundrum?

Ladies, while it may bestow upon you the image in your mind’s eye of a runway model going vogue on a Paris runway it only makes you look like Garry Shandling’s ugly daughter.

Discuss. 

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