Sunday, April 19, 2015

Hot Chicks with Douchebags After Douchebags

Hipsterbag
A little over a year ago I ended this blog as a daily force for douche mock.  

After eight years of glorious dissection of the choady/cutie dialectics, I felt I had said all there is to say about hottie/douchey cohabit.

My rants had been forced to give way to little more than idle chit-chat in a post-douchebag world.

The word itself, “douchebag,” that I had so carefully and lovingly developed to mean something specific (a preening tool using spectacle to try to attract a mate), gave way to overuse and linguistic slippage. A million HCwDB-inspired ‘douchebag’ memes were started (aka stolen) by a million wannabe mockers. The word lost all importance. Enough to make Chomsky blush.

As Ed Hardy and douche face and stupid selfies faded, as cheesy facial fung and orange spray tans and ninny hair receded like Antarctic snow, the douche blended and molded into hipster wash. The obvious mock was no more.

But I still wonder what if.

I sit and pensively sip my Mr. Pibb. I perch on the veranda overlooking my alpaca sex farm. And I ruminate on the increasing importance of culture mock in a post-individual blend of Reddit/Nerdist blandness, sameness and genericism.

Where are the next generation of cultural critics and woodland creature fetishists to rage against the pop culture vortex of industrial acquiescence?

Can we find these voices any more in the age when Buzzfeed listicles substitute for thought? Where fake-nerd comic book men-in-tights CGI spectacles substitute for character, narrative, and plot? When Jimmy Fallon dances in pre-packaged viral bits set to random 1980s one hit wonders because he knows aging Xers will circulate any form of 1980s nostalgia? When all our male movie stars are 30-something Germanic Aryan Teutons named “Chris” or “Chad” and all our female movie stars refuse to let me powder their knee muffins with talcum and spittle?

I do not have the answer to these questions.

I only know that douchemockery must continue in some form. If for no other reason than to critique and overturn the assumptions that cultural dictates are inherent rather than learned.

My rumination and isolation, like Yoda by way of Siddhartha, continues.

But more to come.

# posted by douchebag1
9:15 pm April, 19 The Dude said...

The real problem with ridding society of the Grieco virus
(hey – he just turned 50! – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Grieco)
– anyway, the problem is the anti-vaxx crowd. Inoculation protects the herd, or something like that.
.
That pic has a devastating elegance. The virus is all growed up. boo!

9:39 pm April, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

As the very oldest of the Gen-Xers, Reverend Chad speaks at the behest of the gilded Goglemergh that Jimmy Fallon is the Anti- Christ.
.
It is saided in the ancient scriptures that the
Beast shall come riding on a Golden Calf (Leno). It shall pander to it’s following (no explanation needed.) It shall fawn on the idolators (all guests.) And it shall look like the hoof of a cloven animal (Seth Myers should be mentioned above.
.
I gots 99 types of weed, and smuggling it to Vermont ain’t one of them (Leonard respect)

9:43 pm April, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And she’s still aroungd.
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iP6XpLQM2Cs

9:45 pm April, 19 Et Tu Douche? said...

Boss, when you have your Guggenheim exhibit in 2023 can I please be invited? I’ll be very curious get a retrospective understanding of the relationship of narcissism and the role it played along with the growth of “Smart” technology and “Social” media as it pertained to it’s development. As of right now I’m baffled and yearn for interesting conversation when I’m out as opposed to having watch people take pictures of themselves or stare blankly in the their phones.

11:42 pm April, 19 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Mock is timeless and douchebaggery takes different forms as the Mock Pressure forces change.
.
The common Douche used to be Nicky Newark in the Guinea-T poolside in Vegas, but now it’s that Jamie Fallon character, who couldn’t shine Carson’s balls, by the way. Conrad O’Brian same shit.
.
Speaking of Carson, think of how he’d struggle today to fill a couch with legit stars. As DB1 says, the Generic Teuton of the Day (GTOTD) can barely stammer through a pre-packaged array of boilerplate answers to vapid questions, whllst Bruce Jenner is lopping off his Charlie. Lopping off his Charley, I says.

4:36 pm April, 20 hermit said...

Through it all DB1 has lost none of his charm and witticism, and is spot-on. Humanity is becoming less and less individual.
.
Bruce Jenner “lopping off his Charlie” is analogous to the current crop of confused sheep conforming to the messages drilled into their gullible minds. When an article like this one in Slate is taken seriously, then it’s too late for the poor slobs who lap up the pseudo-intellectual vomit.
.
Soon there will be no more original thought, no more individuals and no more individuality. The population is to be conformed into a homogenous, androgynous, mindless mass, driven by totalitarian wolves masquerading in proletarian sun bonnets with burlap sacks, swaddling their swollen genitals like itchy, uncomfortable Pampers™.
.
What happened to the entertainment industry? Where is Dick Van Patton and Mr. Belvedere? Hoss Cartwright and Little Joe sudsing up each other’s pubes with Dawn™ dish soap? Dr. Huxtable fist-fucking drugged-up starlets? Mary Tyler Moore looks like a scarecrow.
.
As news and entertainment merge into one pile of mindless dribble, taking the form of twenty second internet videos and inane sound bites, individual thought is vanishing like the delicate Monarch Butterfly sinking slowly into the La Brea tar pits…….. and shit.
.
We used to be a bold and proud people who scrapped and fought and questioned authority. We battled fiercely against tyranny, mediocrity and ninny hair. But our past success has spawned complacency and Xerelto™ lawsuits.
.
This once-great nation, born of bloody revolution, cannon fire and flames, now smolders like a smudge-pot of waterlogged Instagram™ pictures scrolling off into the endless void.

6:28 pm April, 20 Dickie Fingers said...

May you all have a happy stoner’s holiday.

4/20

1:45 am April, 21 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Stooooooooooooooned and rising. Hermit speaks truthism. Fuck you Plavix!

3:20 am April, 21 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Future of late night TV at precipice, I smush into Kush and Afghooey to get on my night plight. A short reprieve from the Medieval existence I live with the women. Eat, care, drunk, stoned, fuck. Eat, drink, fucking stooned. Stoned wins in a tighty fight race, videos make the mind smaller according to a recent study by Len ‘nimoy. As the ass grows larger, the woman mellows. Then you toss her around and say alright placid woman, bend over I;’m coming into the ass meat. Then you telll the bitch she’s ugly and fat and demand she drop that 80 pounds. She better be fucking mild after you put up with that fucking embarrassment. I don;’t know which is worse, that or her face herpes and shit. Fucking fat old doddlers like Mrs. Kroeger. I’m planning on taking her for some backcountry skiing after the new insurance kicks in and shit. I KNEEDA HOO KER son.
.
23

3:21 am April, 21 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

420

3:01 pm April, 21 Vin Douchal said...

The Db1 perhaps suffers from the postpartum?
.
When one looks into the eyes of his helpless new young’un and worries about the future, THEIR future and sees an innocent , empty palate that can be molded into so many different myriads of personality types, the dread of “What have I done?” creeps into the psyche
.
Early Curt Schilling reaction from the Db1?
.
Good, let’s hope this lights the old fire and gets this webpage cranking again.
.
John Mayer cops a feel from BB King and the world doesn’t end. Russell Brand has a hilarious special on Epix and I laughed, a lot. But all I could think about was pegging Katy Perry between her overinflated footballs
.
But show me a photo of Tighty Armani and I want to fire a trash barrel at his face. Give me a Francine photo and 20 minutes of solitude and my mind’s eye will take care of the rest . Feeling down? Open the Closet of Poo for a self-aggrandizing pick me up
.
But a kinder, gentler uninvolved Db1? Not a good development. Get the FIRE man. Come at them, Bro.
.
Get this thing firing again! The interwebs has a vacuum that needs filling.
.
Get me off of reddit and Sexy and Funny forums. Bring us home, Boss

3:46 pm April, 21 Douche Springsteen said...

The greatest trick the douchebag ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.
Let us rise again. And mock.

4:48 pm April, 21 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Rev, are you getting your daily dose of Vitamin Cheese.
.
Ah Fannabala with this security question already…

11:05 pm April, 21 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

In 1961, I was just a latent egg waiting for hatching. Over the next four years I saw that fucking Kennedy fuck, fucking killed. Then I was ready to be birthed with the cheese.

1:12 am April, 23 DarkSock said...

Meanwhile, Resident Senior Canadian Reverend Chad won the Fraiku last week, and got a round fleshy tail-pipe for his troubles:
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/04/fraiku-11/

1:56 am April, 23 DarkSock said...

Meanwhile back in 2-double-aught-5, there is sapphic grinding in the background and weasel in the foreground…
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/04/fraiku-12/

2:28 am April, 23 DarkSock said...

So I was stricken with an ADD spell, left wondering if hipsters got to the point of folly to where they are now wearing monocles, then I came across a theory that the 19th century wealthy wore monocles to hide Ptosis, aka drooping eyelid, which is a symptom of third stage syphilis.

So I Googled “Third Stage Syphilis”.

Do not – I repeat – do NOT – Google “Third Stage Syphilis”. And thank the GODS for Penicillin. Seriously.

DO. NOT. GOOGLE. THIRD-STAGE-SYPHILIS.

*EVER*

2:29 am April, 23 DarkSock said...

ever…

6:32 pm April, 23 Deltus said...

What is needed is a return of They Who Mocked When The Mocking Was New. And lo, I hear the call again. For, although the scrote doth morph from form to form, it is still scrote. And the hott doth flitter from fashion trend to fashion trend as they do from the arm of one douchestain to another, they are still boobie hottie suckle thigh.

Hello again, fellow practitioners of mock.

11:59 pm April, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

What the fuck is Tinder?
.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syphilis
.
Hey 19.

5:57 am April, 24 Matt said...

I stopped reading this like 3 years ago. I just decided to check back! Please keep doing this. You are awesome!

1:50 pm April, 24 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I thought the war was lost? I never thought it could be won. The lowest common denominator divides, and conquers, best.

I was just in it for the hotts. The dirty, filthy, sweet, gracefully skanky goodness. One look at Champagne Katie and you know that god is dude. And a douchebag.

6:05 pm April, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I have tried my best to keep my twisted Christian reality relevant. Got married and had kids. Went to church and became an ordained Minister.. Attended schools of higher learning in each decade since my lord Ronald was President (respect) Went to jail when I deviated from the norm and reconciled with Ja and the weed and continue to spread the message of young girl love, hooker therapy, and using the weed to fight the ailments caused by the old industrial world.
.
The lack of quality jobs for those who are not born to some privilege, those who pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, and everybody besides those prone to natural unemployment disturbs be to no end. Fuck university, we need ditch diggers and electricians to rebuild this empty continent. I still have the Kroeger Forced Walk for delinquents every year. Those who finish eat hot gruel and daffodils. The losers go back from whence they came, scourged forever in this little town of post-industrial horrors.
.
Anyways. I had a lot of hope in me until last night. I recalled Alexiyev setting the records for weightlifting, the big fat Ukrainian. The sweet Nadia Cominici getto\ing straight 10’s, and this fucking freak on the Wheaties box, king of the world and late night infomercials. A model for men in the pre-post industrial world and pre-post Christian world.
.
I weep for the days when there were not 16 genders. When Jews were treated fairly and there were no Geitners’s or Emmanuel’s. When children could kick the shit out of each other without child services and the cops raping their homes for some type of evidence. I liked the word Nigger before it was cool. My bicycle with three speeds and banana seat. PVC skateboards with hard vinyl wheels. Hee-Haw and Archie Bunker.
.
I have purchased a generous insurance policy to see me leave the girls with something after I take my helmet off and run into a tree before flying dramatically off of a cliff in Vermont with a belly full of Jay Peak Tram Ale and Americone Dream.
.
Cause there ain’t no future for this old man in the post Christian, Post Industrial world. Consultant my ass. Im just a cog in The Machine of the coming Sharia law.
.
East Coast liberalism has made me so depressed and alienated that I believe it is time to join Ronny for some trickle-up from the ground economics.
.
FUCK YOU BRUCE JENNER FOR MAKING A MOCKERY OF AMERICA FOR THE LAST FOUR DECADES AND UNLEASHING YOU GAGGLED OF FAT ASS BITCHES ON TV IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHEN I CANT FUCKING SLEEP. FUCKING RETARDS WATCHING EVERY MOVE AND “KENDALLING” THEIR FUTURES VICARIOUSSLY THROUGH NICKY MENAGES ASSHOLE.
FUCK YOU BRUCE JENNER FOR EVERY DAMN THING EXCEPT THE COMING RULE OF THE APE PEOPLE.
.
FUCK YOU.
.
http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2015-04/24/22/enhanced/webdr14/enhanced-6677-1429928415-11.jpg

9:06 pm April, 27 jonezy said...

Had an epiphany this weekend. The correlation of DB1s fascination with llamas and douchebags has now been illustrated: http://imgur.com/AA9enK8
.
Ricky was always my favorite. Wide angle: http://imgur.com/Vo6dt30
.
Glory Days

6:19 pm April, 28 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

“Lead author Hilda Kabali, MD, a third-year resident in the Pediatrics Department at Einstein Healthcare Network, said the results surprised her.” Fuccen seriously? And then we wonder why kids have the attention spans on fuccen gnats on crack and have problems sitting still in classes and interacting with others. Hmmmmmmm… I believe she should be promoted to Head o Pediatrics with this one. “Babies like shiny things that make noise” is gonna be her next ground-breaking study.

7:21 pm April, 28 Charles Douchewin said...

^”Results from 370 parents…”
.
370? From one location, from one country?
.
How do these biomedicos get away with this horseshit?
There are more humans running around out there than almost anything else on the fuccen planet, pediatricians have a stacked deck for parents, and 370 = a generalization?
.
More importantly, how’s Bruce Jenner going to handle his Tinder profile?

7:33 pm April, 28 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ It’s the same asshole pediatricians who won’t do the other simplest of things:
.
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2015/02/04/383796532/pediatricians-pressured-to-drop-parents-who-wont-vaccinate
.
More importantly, how is Bruce Jenner’s golf swing gonna change with new boobs?

7:51 pm April, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I assert that the small and skewed sample resulted in a confidence interval greater than 95%. But what the fuck do I know. I’m working stoned and drunk down the mighty St. Lawrence River and otherworldly Glengarrry with Lenny at the wheel. But I have a learners license, so I got that going for me.
.
And by otherworldlly, I mean Nothing.
.
Nothing. Like the long b;lack night of our doom.
.
Anybody know SPSS Statistics to help a slow Canadian brain out?XXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Or a kid?

8:01 pm April, 28 Charles Douchewin said...

^Rev, I can write you R code. Cause’ I like my stats like I likes my Mock – Open Sourced.
.
More importantly, how is Bruce Jenner going to handle the paycut? She can’t possibly be allowed to make as much money as he did.

1:04 am April, 29 MC900FootDouchebag said...

I remember when you KNEW THE NAMES of the actors in the movies you went to see. Now it’s just a bunch of interchangeable drips with lemon sucking pusses on their faces. Man, I wanna punch someone.

3:02 am April, 29 DarkSock said...

Rev wins last week’s Friaku:
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/04/fraiku-12/

3:09 am April, 29 DarkSock said...

And…cue the Next Atrocity from 2005…to quote Morrisey, “Kill The D.J.”
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/04/friday-haiku-362/

9:27 pm April, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Thanks again for the
Propers, Sock. I gonna protest
My cock turning black.
.
Where’s the pear treat.

11:29 pm April, 30 Douchesdownunder said...

Fuck me, I went away and joined the army, checked in a year later, and you guys are all still here?

Good to see some things don’t change.

3:48 pm May, 2 Charles Douchewin said...

I got your new show, DB1!
.
It’s 24hour news meets “Is She Really Going Out With Him?”
.
A three man celebrity team travels on location to global news events, where they live-interview each other about what the news event means to them – as the news happens.
The main correspondents are: Russel Brand, and Richard Grieco; John Mayer provides musical accompaniment.
.
Feel free to offer a working title, I’m now too ashamed of myself to continue.

2:26 am May, 6 admin said...

@ Rev:
.
Sorry Brah, I was late to me flight to Cali; took the small socks who were absconded West by the Ex-Mrs.-Sock to 6 flags next to San Fran. 7 year olde Sock rode every terrorizing spin-n-puke there was; 11-year-olde Sock stuck to the milde rydes. Little Sock ain’t right; he randomly asked me “Daddy – what does ‘Religion is the opiate of the Masses?”…I said “Ask yo Momma, Son. Son.”.
.
But I shall lump your belated Pear in with this week’s Easter Egg Pear. Soean. Once I pick this week’s winner, which I shall do before I get too besotted. Son.
.
– DarkSock, aka Dr. Who Admin Guy Whom Is too fuccen lazy to sign out so’s I am DarkSock.
.
Son.

3:10 am May, 6 DarkSock said...

Go thee hither n yon for last week’s Fraiku winner, with easter eggs for for Vin D, who won, and a belated Pear easter egg for Rev Chad who won the week prior. Son.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/04/friday-haiku-362/

3:31 am May, 6 DarkSock said...

April 19th, 2005…Barons Von Lick-Ten-Schtiens:
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/04/friday-haiku-365/

12:35 am May, 7 Charles Douchewin said...

SockStats

1:41 am May, 13 DarkSock said...

Charles Douchewin – You are a Gentleman OR a Scholar.
.
HCwDB Resident Libertine The Very Reverend Chad Kroeger won teh interwebs on last week’s Fraiku, and I planted a hilarious Easter Egg by, and for, him in that post:
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/04/friday-haiku-365/
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But that is in the past, where I now reside. In 2005. I sit here and wonder….Will my Saints ever win a Superbowl? Will Al Gore beat G.W. Bush in the pending 2008 elections? Will ANYONE ever make a show around George R.R. Martin’s books, replete with gore, boobies and unshorn mons pubii? And will there ever be a proper reboot of Star Wars, or better still, will someone finally make a good spate o’ movies about DC comics, so that eventually we can see a couple of decent movies set in the Marvel universe?
.
Meh…that’s all crazy talk.
.
Here’s yer April 20th 2005 mock bait, sent via the Wayback Machine by the Legendary Vin Douchal, aka Vinnie D, aka V-Dawg:
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/04/fraiku-13/

2:46 am May, 20 admin said...

Are people here still talking about Rush???
.
I bought my damn ticket to see them this Friday…then I read this, with them talking about this being the LAST BIG TOUR…
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“The “R40 Live” tour will wrap on August 1 in Los Angeles, California at the Forum.

Asked how he is feeling about the idea of retiring from the road, RUSH guitarist Alex Lifeson told The Canadian Press: “I have such mixed feelings about it. In one way, I feel relief. I think that 40 years is a long time to be touring the way we tour. I really like being home with my grandkids. At 61, I don’t feel there’s anything we need to prove.”

He continued: “I still love playing. But in [drummer] Neil’s [Peart] case, for example, his job is really tough. Playing the way he does is very, very difficult on his body. He has chronic tendonitis in his arms and he’s had problems with his shoulders.

“It’s just getting to the point, no matter how much we love doing it, that it’s much more demanding and much more difficult.”

Lifeson added: “I’ve always hated the idea of being one of those guys who’s just up there, old and barely able to move — just doing it for fear of not doing it, or not making an extra buck or whatever.

“If this is the last major tour that we do, [I want to] go out with flying colors, where everybody remembers the show they went to as the best RUSH they’ve [seen].

Read more at http://www.blabbermouth.net/news/rush-fan-filmed-footage-of-entire-r40-live-kick-off-concert-in-tulsa/#gxhAe1dD94tL0QLs.99:

3:34 am May, 20 admin said...

You lugubrious egg-dicks

2:11 am May, 22 admin said...

The Lugubrious Reverend Chad wins Side Boob Easter Egg with his Too-Soon winning post last week. Charlie Hebdo woulda wanted it that’a way.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/04/fraiku-13/

2:30 am May, 22 admin said...

Blast from the Past…?
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/04/fraiku-14/

1:44 am May, 25 Germain Llorca said...

To your collection:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=76&v=9Ocyk0OgyWY

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