Hawk
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Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Game Review: Tony Hawk’s Bro-Skater 5
Because we here at HCwDB are nothing but timely with our three-times-a-year updates, here’s our review of the recent Playstation game Tony Hawk’s Bro Skater 5:
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Tony Hawk’s Bro Skater 5 occasionally flirts with the joy of choadwankery and attitude that made the original four douche classics, but the gel quickly comes off.
There are a disappointing number of design and technical problems that range from inappropriate burping to flat-out untreatable STDs, making this attempt at returning the series to glory a non-starter.
Developer AsswanksOfFlorida started with a good idea: paring Tony Hawk’s Bro Skater back down to the basics of inappropriate thigh fondle of Kelly-Anne in presence of a professional photographer. You won’t be hopping off your Red Cup, exploring open clubs, or standing on a weird piece of body grease. Instead, Bro Skater 5 leaves you to test your ability to chain together monosyllabic grunts, overpriced shots, and large hair spike, much like classic Hawk. It almost works. At times, I found myself getting back into that familiar choadal rhythm that made me fall in love with the original ‘baggery. I had moments of zen that balanced the combination of learning the ab crunches, memorizing your ambiguously illegal forms of sexual harassment, and the risk-reward of when to fistpump to Bieber.
But any of that nostalgia was quickly erased by Bro Skater 5’s frustrating job prospects, bland personality, and over-reliance on a trust fund. For example, the one major addition to your arsenal is a physically impossible grope move that sends your ‘bagger rocketing down to the hotts at the press of a button. The problem here is that grope is mapped to the same button as grind, and it can’t be changed. I can’t count the number of times I intended on continuing a grope with a grind, only to accidentally slam down to the ground and end the being prosecuted for roofies. Frustrating moments pulled me out of my groove far too often.
But the most glaring thing that consistently thwarted my attempts to enjoy Bro Skater 5 were the rampant performance issues. It’s appallingly rife with alcoholism, bouts of inchoate rage, and a deep rooted hatred for one’s father, which are particularly noticeable in a game that’s primarily about how the human douchebag interacts with the hotts when traveling at high speeds. Far too often, I witnessed my character pass through academia instead of slamming into it, fly straight up into the air as though he’d stepped on a French midget named Herve, or fall on the ground for no apparent reason.
** 1/2
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The Human Tourch Drops a Deuce
This Vegasian morality tale just took a turn towards stinky finger.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014The Human Torch
Remember really douchey spikey hair?
Still out there.
Still silly like commando chipmunk.
Thursday, October 17, 2013Hawktoberfest
The ‘Hawk soars.
The ‘Hawk sores?
Wednesday, October 16, 2013Pomping Irene
Elvis? More like El-MISS!!
Ha!
Ahaha!!
Ahaha…
heh…
(ahem)
So, where you all from?
Tuesday, September 24, 2013Halfpipe McFaux Thinks its 2008
He’s sure that his wacky DJ/Bar-Mitzvah circuit for dancing hiphop clowns will take off one of these days.
For now, don’t think of it as investing in a flailing enterprise that misfiled its S-corp returns for the past three years resulting in an audit and a seizing of all future assets.
Think of it as funding a dream.
Average Sophie doesn’t hold up the HC side of this equation, but what the hell, I got spittle on my shirt.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013And Then There Are 'Bags With Hair Like This
Bonus points to the first person to correctly identify the national flag depicted in this douche hawk.
When Dimple Diedre tells the rest of the sorority girls about her spring break, she will excessively use the word “amazeballs.”
Wednesday, July 17, 2013Cassie Finds a Somnambulant Carrot
If you plant it, Cassie, it’ll grow into a somnambulant carrot tree!!
That smells like bodyspray and sauteed liver.
Monday, July 15, 2013Kelly Does Not Have a Fun Day
Kelly’s creeping sense of ennui makes her wonder if a centralized Spinozian morality is still possible in a Kantian destabilized and subjective ethos.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013Pukeface McAsshole McSucksalot McIhatethisguy
Even the Bleethy Ed Hardy wearing barely legal Bleethette cannot mitigate my contempt for Pukeface McAsshole McSucksalot McIhatethisguy.
For his is the mediocrity of which nugat draws its strength from.
And yes, I know what you’re thinking. Nugat is delicious.
It is.
But nugat is still just mass produced generi-toffee. And while it gives both Twix and Snickers its bursts of joy, it still draws from a well of assembly line suckage. And so the analogy stands, even if Nugat is delicious.
That’s my argument and I’m sticking to it.
