HCwDB
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Monday, April 5, 2010
Ask DB1: Defining Doucheosity
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DB1,
Merriam-Webster defines virtuosity as “great technical skill (as in the practice of a fine art).” Now I’m not claiming doucheosity to be on par with fine art, it’s the complete opposite. But when has a douchebag reached doucheosity?
You are doing the Lord’s work,
— ICEMAN
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When he’s this toxic a swill, wearing that creepy Christian rosary bead pud-necklace, and he’s cuddling with a bouncy Vegas gnawhottie like Melanie, then doucheosity has been achieved.
Even Brothabag Isaac Hayes, a clear scrotal vortex in his own right, finds this pudwack amusing.
Monday, April 5, 2010Swifferhead Contemplates a Life Change
I’m gonna take down that Broseph pic on account of a lack of hott. We gotta have some standards around here, even if I get the chance to make my always enjoyable Andrew Lloyd Webber references.
Instead, here’s HCwDB legend Swifferhead . The Swiff has spent many a lonely night chasing the hott gnawables through clubs, hoping to attract them with the power of hair spike.
But, deep down, he just wants a hug.
Which is why Swifferhead is considering giving up this shallow lifestyle in search of more meaningful pursuits. Like teaching scuba diving in Tampa. Where his cousin has a place he can totally crash at.
Monday, April 5, 2010Sal the Spring Break Hipsterdouche Voted
Hipsterbag Sal and his Bleethy ‘Baguette, Jerz Jenny, wanted to take a break from Spring Break partying to drop by and vote in the HCwDB of the Week.
Have you voted yet?
Monday, April 5, 2010
HCwDB of the Week
Welcome to the first official HCwDB of the Week in the new format! Make it a good one, be sure to vote, and let me know if you’re seeing any formatting problems as we test out the new frame.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Chief Dances-in-Pinkshirt and Sally
Chief Dances-in-Pinkshirt brings historical trauma and neo-colonialist isolation in the purest Franz Fanon sense to his douchey-ass look.
In what misguided world does this guy look like this?
And in what tragic globalist circulation of meaning does Sally, a suckle thigh that gnaw-worthy, end up in his presence?
Oh sure, you assume Paid-to-Pose. But do not be so sure. The Chief suggests shady global networking funds and poppin’ bottles to celebrate.
Sally brings the gnaw. The Chief brings pink-shirt douche and creepy face, but little else. no tatts, bling or annoying hand gesture ‘tude.
Will it be enough to win the Weekly?
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Joey Lipps and Tina
Joey Lipps harkons back to classic HCwDB buffoonery.
Tina has the real world “best friend of your sister who likes to party and may be an alcoholic” vibe.
And who are we kidding, it’s women like that that motivated men to want to build the pyramids, the space shuttle, and the invention of wireless telegraphy.
Joey Lipps is classic fratpuddian wank. He deserves to be flushed. And then mocked. And then flushed some more by his raging frat brothers who just got matching tattoos of the Nike logo on their forearm. Because “Just do it” isn’t a slogan to sell overpriced shoes made by children in Indonesia. It’s a lifestyle choice.
Yeah, the DB1 is feeling testy on this Monday.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Willy and Sharlene
Noted particle physicists and academics Willy and Charlene didn’t get the hottie/douchey love, and by love I mean spitt-take, I thought they deserved when they first appeared.
Is Willy a toxic pud?
Not at all.
He’s unthreatening. Clueless. A potential Nerdbag, even. Odds he plays Network Halo on most weekdays? 84%. Over/Under on hours spent per day at various gaming consoles? 7.
But Willy is also an uberdouche. The signs are all there. They cannot be denied, and must be mocked.
Sharlene is sweet real-world gnaw-thigh. She deserves light pooching uponst the buttocks. Which I would perform as my civic duty, and with no expectations of reciprocity.
And lets not forget their second appearance together in When Frat Parties Go Wrong.
A worthy entry in the Weekly.
Just missing the cut were Guyliner Jack (too “pro”), Frankie the Greasehead and Your Saturday Hipsterbag, who will likely be seen at the 2010 Douchie Awards in the newest category, Most Annoying Hipsterbag.
But them’s your three. And only one coupling may win/lose.
Which of these three hottie/douchey couples is toxic enough to win the Weekly?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, April 4, 2010"No Way"
If you run the lyrics through the Douche-to-English translator, they read:
I bring shame to my ancestors,
I’m the cause of grease fires at fast food restaurants,
Why does my peepee burn?
Noooo wayyyyyy
Sunday, April 4, 2010“No Way”
If you run the lyrics through the Douche-to-English translator, they read:
I bring shame to my ancestors,
I’m the cause of grease fires at fast food restaurants,
Why does my peepee burn?
Noooo wayyyyyy
Where's Waldhipsterbag?
Somewhere in this lineup of five top quality buttgrabby teethsinkery and teddy bear fondle peach pumpkin hottsicles, I’ve carefully hidden a Waldouche Hipsterbag.
Look closely.
Can you find his ironic hipster sunglasses?
Saturday, April 3, 2010Where’s Waldhipsterbag?
Somewhere in this lineup of five top quality buttgrabby teethsinkery and teddy bear fondle peach pumpkin hottsicles, I’ve carefully hidden a Waldouche Hipsterbag.
Look closely.
Can you find his ironic hipster sunglasses?
Ask DB1: Why the $#@s and *@#s?
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Deebs1,
Why you always adding those weird @!#$@ things to curse words? Like writing “f*ck” instead of the real thing? I mean c’mon bro, surely you’re not afraid to curse on the site. What’s the deal?
– Marco Vesputin
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The explanation is a silly one, M.V. HCwDB has been fighting a long, losing battle with large corporate work I.T. filters that refuse their employees the enlightenment that comes with practicing the Zen art of Hottie/Douchey mock.
Apparently HCwDB has been determined to be “non work related” in nature.
You’d think boobie lusting wasn’t the reason why most men go to work in the first place. And douchebaggery the reason most women hate their jobs.
Saturday, April 3, 2010HCwDB 2.0 is live!!
If you bookmarked this site, and/or are coming here through a link, the original HCwDB URL is active again, so head on over there for the latest hottie/douchey mock:
This site is dead, but will remain up as an archive of the old site. However the new updates are over there, so head on over.
