HCwDB of the Month
The Monthly. The first of our 2010 hottie/douchey couplings to qualify for the Yearly happens today.
Booya. The DB1 is back from Vegas and ready to roll. Bring it.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Gonzi the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet and Mandy
Gonzi.
His stare will eat your soul.
Even now he has your darling Linda’s soul, as she suffers in torment…
Workshed!
With a three pic run of creepy stare, pics #2 and #3 confirmed Gonzi’s quality Ed Hardpocalypse and hottsapeal.
Mandy’s shoulder asks me to graze lightly.
And I would.
Because I owe it to her to give her toesies a light massage with tea tree oil, and then fall asleep in her car.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Pablows Bigbozo, aka The Hambagler, and Art School Tina
And Pic #2 confirmed P.B. as a true Art Bag.
Probably a little too bizarre to win a Monthly, but Bigbozo certainly brings the HCwDB Art concept along with his punch-worthy kissy lips and chin fung.
Art School Tina is perfect pearly white rich upper east side waspy naughty girl Catholics Start Much Too Late goodness.
Yeah, this dude probably doesn’t have a serious shot given the competition.
But I’m curious if he’ll get any votes, as Art School Tina is quality hott.
Anyone?
Yeah.
Okay, now I’m just rambling.
Nice pleather
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Supermang and Lois
Look!!
Up in the Sky vodka!!
It’s a turd!!
It’s a lame!!
It’s… Supermang!!
The ‘Mang is all that is Southern Douche, and we should not forget the “69” hat is uber-mock. Pic #2 and his disguise as Creepy Uncle Adrian, only further added to this tiny tot legend.
Now lets talk Lois.
A belly that calls for “pooch” noises.
A face that makes unemployed Asian cooks weep for the homeland they left as a child.
And boobies that are… well… large. I would touch them.
And then I would touch them.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Stackhouse the Poet
Our first breakout doucherstar of 2010, the Stack is so toxic and annoying, a stacklash has developed, with many regs sick of his punch-worthy ‘tude.
Yet the run of poetry cannot be denied: Poetic douche-verse, 2, 3, 4, poultry 1, more poultry, The Church of Poultry, and hating Philadelphia.
Pussy Crushin’ and Donating his dick to charity.
There’s poems like WTF, he’s tryin’ to do tri’s or just Get Some.
But there are those who are sick of the ‘Stack and his whobag jumpoffs. Is his creepy douchitude and lovely assorted ladies enough to warrant a Monthly win and entry in the yearly?
Which of these four couplings is truly rank enough to go to the next level?
You may use any factor you like. Multiple pics. Poetry. Or just the initial visceral response.
Now I need your help. Pick which coupling deserves “HCwDB of the Month” and vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Diff'rent Scrotes
The kids aren’t all right.
Diff’rent Scrotes
The kids aren’t all right.
Friday Thoughts and Links
If you’re coming to HCwDB for the first time via The Onion, welcome to HCwDB! Come for the douchebags. Stay for the boobies.
On this Friday, your humble narrator heads for a weekend of “research” in Vegas. And by research, I mean strippers, alcohol and tasty Hostess dessert and snack treat products.
If you’d like to follow my adventures in the Heart of Doucheness this weekend, I’ll try to update the site, or follow me on Twitter.
Here’s your Friday links:
MTV is running an “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” marathon on Saturday including new eps. Check out the only official HCwDB show, one created and exec produced by your humble narrator, the DB1.
France discovers the fun of the word “douche,”, in its reconfigured form, of course. The slippage of the signifier goes transnational and multilingual.
Of all the films of 2009, perhaps no sequence is more evocative, strange, hallucinogenic pop pastiche art than the opening credits of Watchmen. Say what you will about the film, but the simple clash of reimagined historical iconography and stylized expression in that sequence is genius.
My tiny brunette librarian Semitic hottness obsession has moved from Mila Kunis to former Olypmic figure skater Sasha Cohen. Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh Perfection.
Speaking of little hotties.
And speaking of ice skating: Hockeybags.
Bill Gates Fist Pumps the Sh*t out of Sundance.
How do you get a tomato stain out of a Persian rug? Ask Manson! The Ben Stiller Show never got its due as the game-changing sketch comedy show that it was.
And, since it’s Friday, here’s your reward for another successful week of ‘bag mocking and hottie lusting: Yellow Pear.
Them’s some bitable glutes.
Sticks McHead
Look Kelsey, we get that you want to get back at the suburban life your parents imposed upon you by hooking up with an alterna-emo local band guitarist.
But look at Sticks. His eyes betray the faltering commitment to his lifestyle.
Get out, Kelsey, while you still can!
In five years, Sticks’ll be selling Saturns and you’ll be taking night classes in “Assets Management and Accounting” from a guy wearing a plaid tie.
Reader Mail: Euro Tagging
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DB1,
Me and my girlfriend–avid readers of your site and proud owners of your book–decided to spend the Christmas break in Spain.
As we are all aware, the Grieco virus has extended extensively into Europe. Therefore, bag’ hunting was an active part of the trip. We were surprised to notice that Yankees over sized jackets and tilted hats have made their way into Madrid (along with KFC and Pizza Hut).
However, a terrible disagreement on the level of douchebaggery of an individual emerged, and I was hoping you could help me out. We were on the metro and he was very close, so taking a picture was out of order. But open your mind and imagine this: A fake-tanned guy, with more product in his hair than it should be legally allowed, purple jeans, white shirt, purple jean jacket, and–get ready–walking around with 2 little speakers in his pockets. Now, these speakers were plugged into his Ipod and were playing some sort of Euro-techno.
I spotted him first, and immediately tagged him as an enormous douchebag. However, she disagreed and even argued a not-a-douche pass wasn’t out of the question.
We’ve been together for quite some time now, DB1, but I must ask for your guidance.
Is this the end?
Thanks,
The Canadian Bag’ Hunter.
—-
Since you did not include a pic of your tag, TCBH, it’s hard to say. However, female ‘bag hunters can often struggle with bag tagging in the wild, as the subtle forces of cultural imprint are designed to ensnare them by the multiple branded signifiers that a douchebag displays.
Since douchebaggery is utilized by the market system to both a) cause the male to buy endless (and ever shifting) overpriced validation of his sexual worth in the form of name-brand items, body products, etc., and b) the female to recognize these items as premium cultural capital signifiers of merit, and therefore coitus, some females will struggle with a full ‘tag when confronted directly by choad spectacle.
The short answer? Dump her ass.
Friday Haiku
Captain Bronze and bro,
Lil’ Sis may not be legal,
Not even at sea.
Captain my Captain!
The trip done,the douche prize won
And Walt Whitman weeps
— Franklin DealorNoDoucheifelt
Captain Ramius:
“I present to you my ship,
The Pink Coccktober.”
– Mr. White
Somali Pirates
Open franchise on Lake Mead
Business is not good
– Mr. Scrotato Head
Pinky and the bag
Bleethling is not part of group
Finger points to why
– E-blo’s last thought
Crew of the US
Navy’s maiden voyage on
USS Rainbow
— Bagnonymous
Yarrrr! Avast, ye twink!
Grab yon naval jelly and
Shiver me timber!
– DarkSock
If Cap’n got bronze
Doesn’t set the bar real high
For silver and gold
– Bob
The Quizzical Hemorrhoid and Princess Lickmah
I can smell the Eurodouche fruity colognes, sharp accent, lack of showering and general attitude through my monitor, Quiz Roid.
Next thing, you’ll tell me you make the same stupid douche-face in every pic you take with a hott.
And that would just be wrong.
I’m talking Belgium wrong.
Stupid Brussels. Just give in and accept you’re part of France, already.
Mopey the Beanstalk
I’d almost consider a nottadouche and instead a “Conquistador San Salvadoran Pirate” classification, Mopey.
But then you had to go with the gypsy moth upper lip thing. And that makes you ‘bag.
I see each of you Kappa Kappa Woo girls. Lanny, Muffy and Sue. And I highly respect each of you for majoring in Physical Therapy.
And, as appreciation for your beautiful minds and endless repetition of the word “like,” I would lightly touch your thighs with an ostrich feather after you passed out on my couch at 2am.
Ask DB1: The word "Lifestyle"
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Dear DB1,
Does the word “Lifestyle” automatically make something douchie?
It just seems that lately when ‘bags write in they talk about how we basement virgins are just jealous of there “lifestyle”. Now the ‘bag 30K millionaire lifestyle is definitely not something I want to condone, but is it possible to extend my drinking tons of great inexpensive wine from around the world and cooking great food into a “lifestyle”? Does having a “lifestyle” make me a douche?
– Sad Party Karaoke Robot
—-
The following terms are auto-douche:
“Lifestyle”
“Livin’ the Dream”
“Haters”
“Hatters”
“Poppin’ Bottles”
“Get Some”
