Hottest Girl Next Door Hott
The 2009 Douchie Awards continue here at HCwDB with “Hottest Girl Next Door Hott.” But before you vote, yours truly got some press over at Slate. I’m “crude but cultured.” Must’ve been all that organic yogurt.
Here’s your finalists:
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #1: Cynthia
A partner of HCwDB winner Orange Derek Jeter Head from all the way back in February, Cynthia is filled with barely legal life/joy.
Here she is again, in all her sweet gloriousness.
Cynthia’s innocent status is belied by her choice of chest shaved orange finger throwing Derek Jeter Head.
In a hoodie.
With a giant orange head.
Flipping the bird.
But that’s not the category. The category is “Girl Next Door” hottness. The older sister of your best friend hottness. And Cynthia is curvy and her smile cures shingles, lupus and a fractured Lacanian psyche.
Her jeans shorts won an award in Copenhagen.
“Best Jean Shorts.”
I’m serious.
I would gnaw.
Then fall softly asleep in the laundry closet, whimpering.
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #2: Sienna
Shiny Head Sheldon’s partner from early September has the haunting eyes that send ships to war and Zoroastrian priests to self flagellate with fishing twine.
Sheldon is greasy douchitude.
But Sienna is a complex kaleidoscope of stained glass goodnesss.
Sheldon is everything greased up and fractured about the male psyche in the age of pressure and constraint.
But Sheldon’s forehead, already up for a government contract to Halliburton, is not what’s in discussion here.
Sienna is.
Tiny, smiley, shy Sienna. I would rub your ankles softly with chamomile lotion, then slap myself with In-n-Out burgers until I passed out in the back seat of an abandoned Chevy Malibu.
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #3: Ashlee
From Ashlee’s Spring Break in mid April, Ashlee is the thin, awkward and shy collegiate perfection we, and I mean the royal We, all collectively dream about.
And by dream about, I mean butt butter fondle with a spatula and a small Brazilian named Pepe on standby for assistance.
Ashlee studies hard for all her classes.
She’s home for every Thanksgiving.
As such, we should appreciate her Girl Next Door charms, just as we want to yank on Simian Frank’s annoying chinstrap with a cheese grater.
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #4: Stephanie
Looking bizarrely similar to Ashlee, suggesting your humble narrator, the DB1 has a subconscious thing for coy brunettes with glorious smiles, Stephanie is all that’s holy in Antwerp, and all that’s buttgrabby in Guadalcanal.
Here Steph is, pictured along with Lumpy from back in June.
Stephanie’s hauntingly coy smile tasks me through the waking hours, inspiring continuing drinking problems involving cheap wine and televisual therapy via proxy figures on talk shows.
And yes, all four of your choices are looking off to their right of the camera.
I do not know why this is.
I do not know why my socks smell like gouda.
Vote now.
Jerziest Jerz: Guido Buttchinksy
Because no 2009 Douchies ceremony would be complete without (dis)honoring this Jerz Guid Pudscrote, who appeared on the site back in June.
Poor Tonya. Poor Tonya’s mom.
Even the background light turns Orange in the presence of Mr. Buttchinksy.
Also note the white “A/X” letters on the shirt reappear seamlessly on his belt buckle. That’s some Criss Angel kinda poo right there.
Douchiest Hand Gesture: The Hypothetical Gun
We’ve seen a plethora of ridiculous ‘bag hand gestures this year, from finger points to classic “Westsides” to the Party Fluffkin Crotch Grab.
But the Hypothetical Gun (with bonus Hello Kitty gloves) was too triumphantly ridic not to honor.
By October we’d learned that this was the HypGun’s go-to move, complimented by a delightful skull tattoo.
Congrats on your award, T.H.G.
Now show us “Hypothetical Signing Unemployment Check.”
Hottest Librarian Hott: Dewey Hott
After that “Poopaloompa is Satan” pic I owe you. Here’s a favorite category at the 2009 Douchies. Hottest Librarian Hott.
Dewey Hott appeared all the way back in February. Her perfect, unstained beauty haunts me to this day.
I would spin cycle through a bazaar filled with Armenian Bedouin fermented leather traders wearing only a plaid leotard just for the chance to fact check her autobiography.
The other ascendant Librarian Hott of 2009 appeared in July in a pic devoid of douche, and thus not really qualified to win an HCwDB Douchie.
So give it up to Dewey Hott for a well deserved 2009 Douchie Award.
And someone slap Tonguey McChoad there in the face. With a washrag. Dipped in wasabe.
HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 2
Round two of your HCwDB of the Year semifinalists:
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #1 (Bracket 2): Crimson Ted
From all the way back in March, the toxic crimson taint of British club promoter and leggy blonde fondler Crimson Ted remains a lip sore on our collective psyches.
And lets not forget Ted’s mugging of Hot Moms, Ted’s Smells Like Poo ass pear moment, Ted’s Crimsplosion and Ted’s Waldouche moment.
And Crimson Celtic.
And, of course, Reader Mike’s historically imporant Ted Crimsometer.
Ted is a legend of turd crap.
He brings shame to the land of Doctor Who and Fawlty Towers. Hitting on what few hott British girls there are, he is a worthy pollutant indeed.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #2 (Bracket 2): E-Blo and Britney
What more can be said about the supersonic douchey stare of the legendary Electric Blight Orchestra?
E-Blo’s original pic is from early June, but what a run of pics. For E-Blo’s empty blankness reflects the vacancy of our culture and the crisis of our souls.
The vacant stare is legend: Pics 2, 3, 4, 5 6, 7, 8 and, of course, his truly inflated zombie-stare douchosity in pic 9.
This is uber-douchosity in presence of hot chick on a massive and overwhelming scale.
E-Blo is already legend.
But does he have what it takes to carry his hotts to the Finals?
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #3 (Bracket 2): Wretch-a-Sketch and Jezebel
Our most recent Monthly winner, the Wretch-a-Sketch brings only two pics of hottie/douchey Travis Barker inspired poofoolery to the game.
But his hat tilt, sideways hand gesture and extreme tattbaggery in presence of Zebra Hottness all speak to a worthy Monthly winner.
Pic #2 only increases the hotte/douchey dialectics.
Do not discount the mockworthiness of the Scribbler.
This is classic West Coast skater “indie band” douche.
Just as potently toxic as Jerz Pud.
Note the undie poke.
If that doesn’t inflame the gonads of an angry penguin, then I don’t know what.
But lets not forget our fourth finalist…
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #4 (Bracket 2): The Poopaloompa
One pic. Officially confirmed as real.
Just one pic of uber-orange and an average, cornfed but sweet Jane.
But that was all it took to make it to the yearly.
Well, there was a second pic. But it was this pic that make the Poopster legend.
Do not let the Poopaloompa’s nomination in the Orangest Orange category sway you from your vote. In the Yearly you must factor in dialectic. Or the fact The Poopaloompa is Satan.
Which of these four couplings most embodies the clash of cultural trainwreck in the crisis of masculinity and name-brand spectacle, with the tastiness of the boobie hottie suckle thigh?
Vote for your second finalist couple, as always, in the comments thread.
Orangest Orange
We’ve had an epic run of Orangebaggery this year, and this category was nearly impossible to cull down to four tangerine finalists. But cull I must.
Here’s your finalists:
Orangest Orange Finalist #1: The Orange Cactus
From back in March, and a reader tag no less, the Orange Cactus never got the full mock that his Arizonian cactii doucheyness deserves.
The O Cactus is real world ridiculousness.
At a party where mugging up on girls dressed as an extreme uberdouche barely registers.
The ladies are embarassed and more than a little disturbed.
For the Cactus is very…
very…
Orange.
Orangest Orange Finalist #2: Cheeto Man
Cheeto Man first appeared in July, and while pungent in super-douchosity, lacked the requisite heterosexuality and quality hott counterpoint to advance up the ladder of the Weekly and Monthly douche chain.
Cheeto Man’s second pic only further denatured the threat by hinting at extreme lightness of loafers.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It only makes for a less toxic HCwDB pic, since the lady is rendered ultimately unthreatened.
Cheeto Man is freakish.
Cheeto Man is disturbing.
Cheeto man scares kittens, lemurs and other assorted small woodland creatures.
He’s also really freaking orange.
Orangest Orange Finalist #3: The Poopaloompa
Some have charged that Mr. Loompa is actually a photoshopped pic.
I certainly can’t tell, as it looks real to me. But, either way, this is a Yearly contestant and an Orange finalist, so I’m going with it.
The Orangenesss is manifest poostiny for the Poopa, and Jane’s pale complexion only further marks it in relief.
The Poompa is freakazoid anime douchebag, every bit Ming the Juiceless.
But enough to win Orangest Orange? That remains to be seen.
Orangest Orange Finalist #4: Mammy Miami
Okay, Mammy Miami’s more “poo” than Orange.
But I’m not 100% certain that he’s in the “bronze” weightlifting category (although he probably is), so he’s earned his way as a 2009 Douchie Finalist.
M. Miami and the less than A-list Svetlana first appeared in early June and quickly became legend.
For summoning the worst Al Jolson, George Jessel, blackface racist American past that our media never mentions, Miami deserves credit for foregrounding our cultural amnesia.
Don’t think of it as douchey over-tanning.
Think of it as cultural critique.
So them’s your four. Just think of all the ‘range that didn’t make the cut. Guido Buttchinsky, Orangina, Orange Psycho, , Orange Poolius, The Turnips and Orangeness as Signifier. Although Signifier is more in the “smells like poo” category.
I eliminated pro body-builder types like Poo, as I want this to be a true vote for douchosity. And don’t forget Anne Hathaway starring in The Devil Tans Orange and The Devil Tans Orange II.
But we can only vote on our finalists. Which deserves the 2009 Douchie?
Vote and make orange juice, as always, in the comments thread.
Douchiest 'Athlete:' Jeff Reed
Continuing his douchey work from 2007 and 2008, Reed started off the year in high dyed blonde faux style, pictured here, back in January.
Reed got arrested in February, douched it up in September, and then was cited for public intoxication in October.
All while making millions for kicking a ball.
Here’s your well deserved 2009 Douchie Award, Reedbag.
The Mets’ Dave Wright made a play with his wine sipping uberhott, but Dave Wright’s lack of douchosity simply means he wins at the game of life.
Douchiest ‘Athlete:’ Jeff Reed
Continuing his douchey work from 2007 and 2008, Reed started off the year in high dyed blonde faux style, pictured here, back in January.
Reed got arrested in February, douched it up in September, and then was cited for public intoxication in October.
All while making millions for kicking a ball.
Here’s your well deserved 2009 Douchie Award, Reedbag.
The Mets’ Dave Wright made a play with his wine sipping uberhott, but Dave Wright’s lack of douchosity simply means he wins at the game of life.
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: The Incredible Yolk
From all the way back in February, the Orange Simian douchitude of The Incredible Yolk earns a well deserved 2009 Douchie Award.
I’m also considering including this image as part of my installation art headlining show at the Guggenheim museum in the year 2023. When those who denature images, recontextualizing them outside of their originary intent in the age of the simulacrum, are finally credited as legitimate artists.
My show will consist entirely of HCwDB images projected onto thin strips of semi-transparent material, made out of silicon, suspended throughout the museum space, with each image fading up and down, in and out of visibility.
As each image becomes visible, a falsetto midget eunuch will read whatever text I wrote to accompany the image in a strange sing-song, almost digitized, cadence.
But that’s in 2023.
For now, The Incredible Yolk and his Hott Conquest will have to settle for their Douchie Award.
Today, the Douchies.
Tomorrow, artistic immortality.
Douchiest Facial Expression: The Punch-Face
We’ve seen Kissy Lips come and go, but no face all year has quite deserved the “thwack” that February’s The Punch Face does.
While Mona isn’t top shelf hottitude on the other end of the spectrum, P.F.’s face-taint is truly award winning.
Here’s your Douchie Award, Punch Face.
Now someone hit him again.
(Dis)honorable mention to Luigi the Scroteface.
