Where's Waldouche? South Beach Edition
Somewhere in this triptych of three Dade County Floridian slutty scary bouncy boobie kettle hotts, I’ve carefully hidden a turdsquat waldouche.
Look closely.
Can you flush him?
HCwDB of the Week: Samurai Scrote
The growing zen-douche legend that is Samurai Scrote (hai!) was simply too powerful to be overcome. scroteus maximus explains:
I think this weekly contest represents the eternal struggle between the tangible and intangible forms of douchebaggery.
On one side we have the flame twins, who are both shoving their preposterous and preposterously gay haircuts in my face. On the other side we have the samurai, whose douche-chi comes from within, equally strong as the douche-chi of the flame twins, despite lacking the douche accoutrements so evidently present around the Flame twins.
However it comes down to this: the Flame twins are simply huge douchebags. Samuri Scrote is better than you, and knows he is better than you, and he knows that you know hes better than you. And it is that attitude that personifies true douchebaggery.
Samuri Scrote FTW
Well said S.M, but let us not forget that sexy sequined hott on his arm. Others agreed, as it was a mandana blowout:
the lone scroat: Samurai Scrote. His hott is the least Bleeh and WTF anyway? Groinkick.
blasphemers and spikedhairetics: Samurai Scrote FTW! The others here are obvious douchebags, but SS operates more covertly with that Rambo/Braddock: Missing in Action tie headband. He will hide in the mud and reach out and kill you while you’re not looking. His hottie is all kinds of cute too!
don’t bring me dowwwwwwn, douche!: Samurai Scrote, no doubt.
Most ‘bags on this site seem to be douchey conformists in their bar, beach, or boat settings. Not this guy. Despite the formal affair, his mandanna and sunglasses at night dare you to contain his scroteyness.
Ponderonymous: Give it to Sammy. He’ll just take it anyway.
johnny: i really want to vote against Samurai Scrote, but it is impossible. The head band, the hott, the Nick Cage face, the fact that he is in the champagne room…it’s a thing of beauty. This picture is the perfect storm of scrotuity.
But the ever-present anonymous challenges us to ask what are we really voting for?
This is, perhaps, HCwDB’s first fully self-conscious vote.
The community, led by the avatar-ed regulars, are as much voting for the photo spectacle itself as for their self-referential, ambitious, and pretty hilarious response to said image. They’re voting for the surrealist, “exquisite corpse” game they’ve been playing with the double-blind of internet anonymity; the dadaist exercise that’s several thousand strong and growing.
It’s a Foucaultian paradigm, EPA, in that meaning is created at the point of consumption, not within the object itself. Thus, Samurai is the most poo of all poo, simply due to the echo of his simulacrum.
Coming in third, but with solid support, KeirNotKier explains why the Grout should not be forgotten:
I have to go with The Sun Grout. He may not be as orange or entirely stomach turning as previous winners, but this week he is the King Kong of Douchebags. I mean the guy has chin pubes, guyliner, spiky dyed hair (for crissakes, the guy’s hair is silver/white). Lest we not forget form his Sun God photo. He has tattoos of pretty little stars up his left arm. Lots of stars?
I agree, the Grout is toxic. On many a week, he and the porn-hott would’ve won. But this is Samurai Scrote’s day, and none shall be superior. Ol’Bag takes it home:
Samurai Scrote, ftw….I mean, he’s trying to use Nicolas Cage’s only facial Expression, and his hott is freaking unbelievable. He REALLY wants to be Nicolas Cage, even though he is sunken-chested
Mandana/suit? Wha?
“Wha?” indeed, Ol’B.
Congrats to Samurai and Bedazzler Hott, and we’ll see them in the Monthly.
Scroteboy Slim Is Not Going Away
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By the way since I saw what you wrote about me its only fair that I tell you what I wrote to my 3000+ friends on my space about you!!! And by the way I fell that your vocabulary is a bit contrived don’t you think? A person with areal education does not have to try so hard to convey they are intelligent (If you doubt my credentials i went to Cornell and I am at NYU Stern Business school).
Enjoy:
Yes and it took long enough. After years my dream came true.
I want to take this minute to to toast the founder of the site, because if he has the time to go through club pics and maintain his page, it is obvious he will NEVER f@#k a girl like the one next to me 🙂
Keep hating haters you just make me more and more popular I love it, because I am not going away.
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Is a person with “areal” education something to do with areolas?
Douchebags of the Living Dead
HCwDB’s own Baron von Goolo brings the genius.
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DB1 –
I said I’d do it and I’ll be dang-darned if I din’do it.
My modest Halloween venture, FrightTown, opened on the 4th and Baron Von Goolo’s Museum of Horrors has been featuring The Douchebags of the Living Dead. Even though local TV stations have made us call it the Spring Break of The Living Dead in our commercials, I think the message of antibaggery and social mockery still comes through.
I’ve included a photo of last night’s Zom’bags and the New Jersey Devil that accompanied them. We have attempted to reproduce as many of your trademark identifiers as possible – all the way down to the Zom’bags popping patrons’collars for them and then spritzing them with AXE (which doesn’t piss nearly as many people off as I’d have predicted).
Every night’s Zom’bags are different but the 70’s porn star cum Mark Spitz mullet Zom’bag was so impressive (and by ‘impressive’ I mean ‘bile-churning’) that I definitely wanted to share this crop. And sadly, even though her boa is obscuring them, the New Jersey Devil was a cleavite on a brobdingnagian scale. Rest assured that the photographer was boxed soundly about the ears for letting that slip by.
Any baghunters in the Portland area should give us a gander, and share the love at frighttown.com.
Three weeks to go. Then my coma. Then I’ll be back to baghunting in our own little cul-de-sac of spite with the rest of the pack. I miss you all. You most of all, Scarecrow.
– Baron von Goolo
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Excellent work, BvG. I’m humbled and in awe.
Last year’s crop of Hottie/Douche Halloween costumes were so amazing that I’m offering a free autographed copy of my book to the best HCwDB costume. Just send me a pic of your costume, and we’ll see who can out-bra the broheims for the win.
(pro members of von Goolo’s troupe excluded from this offer)
Breaking: Carmen Electra Dating a Canker Sore
While it’s true that Carmen Electra has a long history of dating the douchenozzles, we cannot forgive her continuation of such a trend.
And it’s also true that, given the Dave Navarro Viruses in her past, this dude is relatively benign.
Thus we’ll upgrade him to Canker Sore. Not quite the lip herp. But still a viral infection of a communicable nature.
Carmen is lookin’ good, given the numerous tiny cellular mutations floating through her bloodstream at any given moment. I would humbly bongo her hindquarters with only a quart of yak’s milk and a small Malaysian sherpa named Shingwa to guide me.
Reader Mail: 'Bag Tagging in Austin
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DB1-
We were out last weekend for my girlfriend’s birthday. We saw this tool and the girls had to get a pic with him. He was there with his broke ass girlfriend but he immediately obliged the request. Douchebags love attention.
I love your site, I check it daily. Hope this one makes the cut. Happy baghunting.
— Sam from Austin.
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Nice work, S from A, excellent Vanilla Ice ‘bag tag. But which one is your girlfriend? And if it’s the one in the middle, are those ‘bag hand gestures she’s making? Is she ironic? Or Bleeth?
Caption This Pic
When the plutonium workers in Oslo, Norway took time off to party, it was crazy off the hook.
Hamster Hott Writes In
My future ex-wife, the luscious Brunette from last month’s Corey Hamster, writes in:
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Well hell there !
Nice to finally write you, I have been wanting to do so for some time now because I think your site is absolutely hilarious.
I was on with my friend the other day just showing her and BOOM I run into my picture! Im in the picture with your finalist Corey Hampster. I think this is hilarious even though he is an awesome guy! Just wanted to say Hey ;o)
— Sally A.
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Oh Sally. My future ex-wife, Sally, who will take me to divorce court and refuse visitation rights with my angry son, Klaus.
Within your spelling errors, awkward syntax and bizarre emoticons, I can deduce the foreign born perfection of gazelle like Eastern European melting tuscan cremed riccola cough drop hottness.
I lust after your kneecaps and will buy you a chocolate Yoo Hoo. The 16 oz. size.
Ask DB1: Freshman Luck
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Hi,
I recently began my college experience. Upon orientation, I was astounded as to not only the douchebaggery of my fellow students, but to the hotties attraction to them.
Not to say that I was naive before then – simply, the sheer amount of hottie ignorance and douchey douchebaggery is overwhelming. I have been turning towards this site as a way of keeping my sanity, and am glad to share a picture with you of one of my peers.
Thanks for your help in showing the world the truth.
– Freshman ‘Bag Hunter
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I dunno, FBH. I have two impulses upon seeing your ‘baggy friend. One is to give him a drunk nottadouche pass. And two, I really, really, really miss Freshman year. Good times for the DB1. Good times.
The Last Dragon
Not since Bruce Leroy “got the glow,” defeated Sho’nuff, and snagged a pre-Christianized Vanity in Berry Gordy’s cinematic masterpiece, The Last Dragon, have I seen a glow like that.
Only in this case it’s coming out of the nose of the bastard love child of Dylan McDermott and a brillo pad.
Yup. The DB1 is back on his childhood 80s kick.
Gotta put down the DVDs and let it go, man. Just let it go.
EDIT: In researching this post I came across the sad news that Julius Carry, the actor who played Sho’Nuff, died two months ago, at the age of 56 from cancer. “Kiss my Converse” may be the greatest line in cinema history. I am now officially depressed. R.I.P. Shogun of Harlem.
