The Douchies: Best Frosted/Ab Combo — The Sun 'Bag
Since we’re voting on frosted hair and perfect abs in seperate Douchie Award categories, lets give a 2006 Douchie to this perfect combo of the two that ran back in mid June.
It really don’t get tanner/douchier than this unholy combo. It’s like finding a rare Brazilian tulip in full bloom in the rainforests of Madagascar only to discover a piece of elephant dung on it’s stamen.
It’s enough to drive the DB1 to drink.
Then again, so’s a light southwesterly breeze.
The Douchies: Hottest Abs
Voting on the general quality of the hotties on this site is a near impossible task. So many gorgeous creatures have revealed their weakness for oily scrote that trying to narrow them down to three is a near impossibility. So rather than attempt a general “hottie” vote (which we’ve tried in the past), I’m going to open up the floor for a debate on the perfection of the female abs.
I’m talking baby back rib abs. The type you want to dip in a nice steak sauce and chew on for a four day weekend. And, of course, we must factor in the other half of the ledger, the power of rank douchebaggery that those abs have chosen to comingle with.
So, without further ado, here are the nominees…
Hottest Abs #1: Ab-solutely Douchulous
I didn’t really give this pic an adequate name the first time around, so this time we’ll go with “Ab-solutely Douchulous.”
Speaking of douchulous, headband ‘bag could’ve been a finalist for spikiest hair with that frosted mop of thorns.
I do sort of appreciate anyone who tacks up a neon “Bud” crown light on their fireplace.
As to abs, she is all that cheers me to a state of perpetual warmth on a cold, cold night.
Hottest Abs #2: The Wigga Clown
Persian Princess has those soft abs with just a hint of definition. Couched in a lightly dusted layer of fat, they are supple, yet firm. Like a tasty pork tenderloin, I would dip in apple sause and serve sizzling hot. It may be a costume pic, but the fact that Halloween continues to be a holiday that allows hotties to let out their inner slut makes it good by me.
Hottest Abs #3: The Scrote Warrior
Here’s a fan fave from back in the day, as this skeezy ‘bag attemps to grab this slender stalk of abaliscious perfection like a sucking pleco fish. I want to feed him algae until he sticks to the side of my fishtank.
She may only be a mid level cutie in the face, but stare at those abs, blink repeatedly for thirty seconds, then stare at a blank wall.
Do you see that?
It’s perfection.
Good thing I don’t have to vote. My first answer to these three pics? Yes, please. But it’s up to you. Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
The Douchies: Douchiest Everything — White Chocolate
As Jean-Paul Sartre once said:
Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.
It would be unfair to attempt to privilege any one of the douchebag specificities of White Chocolate above the rest. Therefore we must award a 2006 Douchie to W.C.’s totality. His “everything.” To award a Douchie for the grill, or the Jesus bling, or perhaps the aqua satin Yankee cap, would be to deny Sartre’s totality of existential douchebaggery.
Sure we could talk about his bizarre facial pube configuration. His multiple outfits. His douchey sunglasses. His inordinately head scratching ability to pull hotties.
But to focus in on any of these specificities would detract from understanding W.C.’s douchiness in its totality. As Sartre understood, douchebaggery, as in life, can only be fully comprehended through the philosophical macro. And in so doing, we bestow a special 2006 Douchie for “Douchiest Everything” to the douche who has everything, White Chocolate.
Good on you, W.C.
The Douchies: Douchiest Sexathon — The 'Bagsgiver
An HCwD of the Week Award Winner and the pic that caused the most reader fantasies this year, there was no way The ‘Bagsgiver wasn’t going to get honored with a 2006 Douchie Award.
For pulling two of the sweetest looking chickas on the site, neither of whom appear to me to be of the “professional” variety (although there was much debate on this point), and for remaining in a state of pure douchitude, the ‘Bagsgiver is a worthy Douchie recipient.
He’d also be a worthy DB1’s-Boot-in-his-Ass award recipient, but alas, no award in that category this year.
The Douchies: Douchiest Oldbag
Here’s another category open to voting. I know a lotta ‘bags, ‘bag hunters and hotties are on vaca this week, but it’s the end of year awards so if you have a fave, now’s the time to vote in the comments thread. But enough of my rambling.
The nominees are…
Douchiest Oldbag #1: Richie Rich
Hip Hop is dead, sayeth Nas. And who am I to argue? Especially when creepy middle aged music producer types continue to score tall, leggy, blankly expressioned model types?
That’s what makes the turntables spin, baby.
Douchiest Oldbag #2: Yellowtail
What more can be said about this saggy boobed monstrosity, other then if Richie Rich is a hip hop producer, this guy’s one of those Phil Spector types, still trying to live up to his 1970s fame when he produced “A Fifth of Beethoven” for the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. Yellowtail’s gold chain remains one of the douchiest talismans to ever grace the site.
He’s going to be hard to beat.
Douchiest Oldbag #3: Gramps
An early folk hero fan fave on the site, Gramps may have been the first ‘bag to reverse the polarities through sheer force of will and end up a true legend. There’s something to be said for being 70 and cuddling up to a girl in a purple satin lace bra as absolutely mouth watering skittles level tasty as this curvy viola.
Should Gramps take the Douchie?
It’s up to you. Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
The Douchies: The Future Ex-Mrs. DB1 Award — Barbarino 'Bag's Hottie
While it’s true that there have been a plethora (and by plethora I mean “boobies”) of extremely choice beauties on this site (granted, being clutched by monstrosities of dung), there’s something about Barbarino ‘Bag’s librarian hottie that just knocks my socks off. Maybe it’s the dark raven hair, of which the DB1 is a huge fan. Maybe it’s the helpless expression. Maybe that hint of a sexy black bra under that white t-shirt.
Whatever it is, Barbarino’s Librarian Hottie gets a Douchie Award for most likely to divorce the DB1 after a stormy shotgun marriage.
So whaddaya say, Librarian Cutie? Marry a drunk, unemployed pudgy douchebag living in a basement hovel? Oh wait, it appears you’re already well on the way.
The Douchies: Most Persistent Fan Club — Big Red
And the Douchie Award for “Most Persistent Fan Club” goes to…. Big Red. As if there was any doubt.
This one’s for the huge fan club north of the border, so please stop emailing me asking for more Big Red. Big Red’s earned a 2006 Douchie for everyone’s favorite one-shirted budding ‘bag in training. Give it up to the popped collar legend.
The amount of teenage hotties this mythic ‘bag has managed to headlock remains a triumphant accomplishment for a mini’bag so young and impressionable. Good work, B.R.! In many ways, you’re a ‘bag hero.
The Douchies: Best GeneriBag — Yeesh
Yeesh, a fan fave from back in the day, deserves a special Douchie and I had to go with “Best GeneriBag” for his utterly blank generic douche expression. Not to mention his oh so sexy, milfy and enhanced hottie with the David Lee Roth wardrobe.
For all that HCwD unholy genius comingling in such a rotten combo, Yeesh gets a coveted 2006 Douchie Award.
Enjoy it, Yeesh.
Along with that gelly head and judging by the background, that massive drinking problem, I know that you will.
Other Douchies will have open voting all week so get yer votes in during this holiday week before Old No. 7 finds out where I live.
The Douchies: Best "Special" 'Bag
This Douchie is for the “special” ‘bags, those heaping turds who’ve rolled off the short bus and somehow corralled a hottie along the way. Whether out of pity, sexual attraction or somewhere in between, you’ll never know. And because of that lack of knowledge, you must mock. And in doing so, you must pick a winner.
The nominees for Best “Special” ‘Bag are…
Best Special ‘Bag Nominee #1: Hootie is a Blowfish
His chin kind of resembles those fried egg inside a slice of bread “bullseye” breakfasts we used to eat at summer camp. Although why I would want to associate this nipple rubbing poobag with a fond food memory is a question better left for my psychiatrist.
Of course, that would be if I could afford a psychiatrist. Instead I mostly just talk to the 7-11 Clerk who usually asks me to “please leave” right around the time I start telling him how my mother didn’t show me enough affection growing up. Stupid 7-11 clerk.
Best “Special” ‘Bag Nominee #2: Polo Boy
This is one of my favorite pics ever on the site, if for nothing else then the yellow polo with pink polo wraparound sweater. And of course the most perfectly tanned hide since Buffalo Bill used to hand stitch saddles back in the 1880s.
I know I shouldn’t make fun of 16 year old training-‘bags, but how can I leave off Polo Boy from the list? If Anna Pacquin can win an Oscar at 10, Polo Boy can get a Douchie Nom.
Best “Special” ‘Bag Nominee #3: The Red Cup
The fact this rather befudled young ‘bag resembles the younger brother on “Growing Pains” is only one of many reasons to mock his scrotey nature. Wholesome midwestern Red Cup clutching lass is another. The dude in the back jonsing for cereal is simply an innocent bystander in this trainwreck of HCwD wrongness.
Best “Special” ‘Bag Nominee #4: Graduation Scrote
The fact this guy graduated anything outside of the Learning Annex Tony Robbins “Personal Power” class is a terrifying indictment of the American educational system.
To paraphrase Otter in “Animal House,” I put it to you, Greg. Isn’t that an indictment of the United States of America itself?
This pic most certainly is.
Dartboard with darts holding up notes. Captain Morgan poster. And two cute little Frosh-in-Training hotties. Horns McShortbus makes me want to spew on the couch if it wouldn’t blend right in. Because, uh, the pattern on the couch looks like puke. Figured I’d spell it out, in case Graduation Scrote’s reading this.
Four good candidates. This one is a tough vote.
The Douchies: Spikiest Hair
Here’s another tough category with so many worthy entries. I’ve boiled it down to four of the finest in douche-hair of the past year, and this is another category I’ll be opening up for voting. I have a few categories I’ll just be handing out awards in, because hey, it’s the Douchies not the Oscars.
So fire up the grill and skewer some strip steaks on these frosted tipped douchebag porcupines. Here are the nominees…
Spikiest Hair Douchie Nominee #1: Yet More Cactus Head
This is a classic two-toned ‘bag muscle-t example, complete with ‘bag face expression #02 and two half-drunk and long lost Bleethed out hotties.
But the hair.
Oh man that glorious spiked out hair. It’s like bronze sculpture from the early impressionist period. I half expect Man-Ray to hang it on a wall next to a a Duchamp bicycle wheel. It is douche art.
Spikiest Hair Douchie Nominee #2: Chin o’ Douche
I keyed in on C.O.D.’s chin when I first posted this pic, but now that I look at it again, I can’t believe I didn’t celebrate the shampoo-like swirly genius that is this dark and foreboding winter sea. Melville would have waxed poetic on this hair swirl, oh so long ago. Or, for the gutter humor fans, its like a giant pile of ferret puke.
Not to mention the deadly coral snake coiling around his neck. Add in that lively arc of Cleavite that could even make The Boitano find new ways of double axeling and this pic is all sorts of HCwD head pounding wrongness.
Spikiest Hair Douchie Nominee #3: Purple Lips
This pic really deserves a special award, and I’m still not sure how this monstrosity didn’t make it into a HCwD of the Month winning entry, but it may have had to do with the “HC” side of the ledger. Regardless, Purple Lips deserves a little end of year Douchie Love (and by love I mean “spew”). If he doesn’t win this category I’ll have to give this turd some form of special honor.
Megods.
My eyes hurt like they’ve just run a marathon. Maybe we’ll do a special award here at HCwD, if you can stare at this pic without blinking for twenty seconds, you’ll get a free bottle of Night Train. Okay, no not really. Unless by “Free bottle of Night Train” I mean that I’ll point you towards the local corner store where you can buy your own damn bottle for $1.99 plus deposit.
Spikiest Hair Douchie Nominee #4: Supernova
It’s hard to argue with this slice of all-American douche goodness. Prom night never felt so scrotey. Like a sunflower plant basking in the rays of the Grieco Himself, this blooming ball of ‘baggery has taken his first steps down the dark road of perdition.
Voting, as always, is in the comments thread. And since this is the end of year voting for the 2006 Douchie Awards, voting will be open all week. Winners, and virtual trophies, will be handed out next week.
