Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Rayon Archie and Candi

It’s like an awkward mashup of Warhol’s Factory passed through the digestive tract of strip club retro chic.

While Rayon Archie may be grinning, and may seem an innocuous Oldbag, there is no excuse for that shirt.

Candi makes my lapsed colonics jigger a dancing hoo-ha.

Yup.

Making no sense yet again and again. All this learning “WordPress” and preparing HCwDB for the new site is takin’ it’s toll. It really is just a glorious tasty Hostess sugar rush, people. Pity me. For I am suffering from what Jung terms “Suckle thigh Complex.” The need to find boobie hottie and paw.

HCwDB Back Up and Revvin’

This is not yet the fully new HCwDB. I’m still doing bouncy fix/patch/code things. But we’re getting there.

It’s a simulation of an echo of a mystery in a riddle.

As such, I’ll hold off on the HCwDB of the Month until Monday as I figure out the new virtual car I’m here drivin’.

However, updates begin again today, so get yer mock on. If you haven’t yet registered through WordPress, it’s as easy as ‘bag hang gesture #153!

EDIT: And you may be wondering why no hot chick, only uberdouche, in this pic? Much like the site itself right now, this pic is incomplete in terms of Hottie/Douchey aesthetic. Therefore it’s a thematic metaphor of incompleteness. Absence. Negative space. Sort of like how Joyce and Borges transformed the fictive realm through subjectivity, we comment on the incomplete Hottie/Douchey realm with lack of suckle thigh.

HCwDB Back Up and Revvin'

This is not yet the fully new HCwDB. I’m still doing bouncy fix/patch/code things. But we’re getting there.

It’s a simulation of an echo of a mystery in a riddle.

As such, I’ll hold off on the HCwDB of the Month until Monday as I figure out the new virtual car I’m here drivin’.

However, updates begin again today, so get yer mock on. If you haven’t yet registered through WordPress, it’s as easy as ‘bag hang gesture #153!

EDIT: And you may be wondering why no hot chick, only uberdouche, in this pic? Much like the site itself right now, this pic is incomplete in terms of Hottie/Douchey aesthetic. Therefore it’s a thematic metaphor of incompleteness. Absence. Negative space. Sort of like how Joyce and Borges transformed the fictive realm through subjectivity, we comment on the incomplete Hottie/Douchey realm with lack of suckle thigh.

HCwDB Semi-New!

Fellow ‘bag hunters, huntresses, hotties and champions of boobie suckle thigh-

We are officially liberated from Blogger!! What you see in front of you is the first intermediary step. This is my first official published post on the new WordPress software and it’s like having my inner thighs caressed with cocoa butter and obscure ostrich feathers by a busty Texan waitress named “Taylor.”

Regular posting, including the HCwDB of the Month, resumes tomorrow, and the brand new site will go live in the next few weeks.

Friday Thoughts and Links

What is the importance of Ubiquitous Red Cup?

URC grounds us as it guides us. It is the blank canvas that allows us to focus our deepest projections of childhood memory. The Primal Scene returned uponst douchebag and hot chick. Images mass replicated and reproduced without tactility through the pixel and the screen that become collective hallucinations of each of our individual longing for the unattainable in our earliest cognitive development.

Or, as Lacan might argue, URC is our objet petit a. The signifier of the lack through the solid color of abstraction. Yet, given its function as that most primitive of vessel — the bringer of liquid — it also has systemic function. The bestower of life. It is here, where URC cuts through culture spectacle and reminds us of corporeal need, and therefore truth.

Conclusion: The DB1 needs more boobie hottie suckle thigh.

Here’s your links:

Attention New Zealand ‘Bag Hunters! MTV New Zealand is now airing Is She Really Going Out With Him? weekdays at 8:30pm. Checkitout, and let me know if you’re seeing it in Middle Earth.

Brooklyn Hipsterbags and Parents face-off in a douchefest of annoyance. I can’t tell which is more annoying, the Hipsterbags, the Parents, or the fact that CNN now uses “hipster” as a descriptive term.

Nothing But Skulls. Bringing pre-packaged and mass marketed rebellion product to bland suburban strip-malls since 2010.

Two cast members of The Jersey Shore escaped injury when the roof collapsed at a Purim Party they were hosting. The previous sentence will confound Kabbalah rabbis for many a generation.

Skweezy Jibbs is my hero. “Barack Obama muthaf*cka.”

And what’s this, ladies? Skweezy is single and available and has a profile on OK Cupid? “SOCRITES AND PLAYDOUGH IS COOL.”

Ed Hardy invades a tech trade show and ruins an ass pear.

Speaking of classic 1980s proto-scrotewankery, The Karate Kid II’s Chozen Togushi was classic retrodouche.

I Peed in a Horse Once: the story of a Darksock, an internet, and the beginnings of a legend.

Anyone who didn’t think HCwDB finalist Shiyen was hott, for shame, people. Have some Shiyen Ass Pear.

Not enough? Okay, here ya go.

Four Pear.

What’s that? The DB1 is feeling generous? Okay, one more:

Deck Pear.

Because as Blogger goes into its death spiral, the DB1 is about to jump ship to a brand new website. The HoHos are fresh. Life is good. Go forth and multiply, Hunters and Huntresses. For the guava is ripe.

Luane Rides the Faux

HCwDB of the Week hott-side winner Luane rides Corporal Faux and finds not one, but two, URCs in sharktooth infested waters.

Remember, fellow ‘bag hunters, the URC guides us, binds us, penetrates us. But it also follows our commands.

Ask DB1: Angry Hot Chicks?

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Hello Sir:

S.G. from Michigan
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Every brilliant email I receive accusing me of being a “hatter” gets published on the site. Unfortunately of late, the playahs have not been writing in as much. Which only means one thing: We need to mock harder.

Friday Haiku

Spandex Rabbit Turd,
Gets Blair to fondle his nads,
In grade school rec room.

Turn your head and cough
You Rainbow bright Douchebag Fool
Nurse Cutie hates you.

– Douche Wayne

Ted’s garb inspired by
Whitney Houston video
And grandpa’s sock drawer

– Yahoo Scrotius

New Yankees uni
Will be worn for away games
Blair gives a cup check

– Vin Douchal

80’s unitard.
American Apparel
You suck so badly.

– End the Haberdouchery

Jim Halpert clone lets
Karen feel his junk on new
show: “The Orifice.”

– Bagnonymous

Angela answers,
When asked what his schlong feels like:
“A baby carrot.”

– scrotum pole

First grade teacher Jen
Brings Douchebag to show-n-tell
Says ‘Stay in School, Kids!’

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Technicolor Douche
In a pro-Wrestling Onesie
Yuck! No! Don’t touch it!

– Pablo Sinatra

Susie cries with glee
at her first touch of a real
tiny mangina.

– Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche

Sadistic teacher
Plus swole tongued man-tard:
Sackless meat puppet.

– Captain Bringdown

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K

Like shirtless greased up taintlickers with unearned Maori ab-tatts hitting on young Carly Simon. It’s enough to inspire your humble narrator to kick back and enjoy a tasty Ubiquitous Red Cup of quality Night Train Express fine fortified wine.

For, after downing a few bottles, I have a confession to make.

Once, while traveling with Bedouin oxen herders by camel through outer Uzbekistan, in a fit of pique I slapped a migrant Armenian named Armen with a dead halibut for bruising my lettuce.

It’s not really relevant to this post. But it’s been bothering me and I needed to share.

Breaking: New Orleans Club Bans Jersey Shore Type Douches

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New Orleans Club Bans Jersey Shore-alikes

Nobody wants a douchebag in their establishment, and New Orleans club Republic has taken their ban visual with their anti-Jersey Shore poster campaign. Among the banned labels are the usual suspects (Affliction, Ed Hardy and Christian Audigier), though there is curiously no mention of no fist pumping…
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article.

I ran a link to this last Friday, but so many people are sending it in as proof positive that HCwDB’s war on Scrote has its victories, that it’s worth celebrating again.

Fellow ‘Bag Hunters, hold this moment dear in your hearts when it feels like our battles against the Ed Hardpocalypse are being lost.

There are victories out there. But we must keep up the mock if we’re ever to save Hott from Choad.