Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Vinny D's "Summertime"

I just prayed for a nuclear winter.

Ask DB1: Woo Hottie Relapse

———–
DB1,

Sincerely,
Douchey Lewis and the News

—–

Fellow ‘bag hunter, fear not.

Every ‘bag hunter has acted douchey to score the hott. ‘Bag Huntresses similarly sin when they slip up and, after too many drinks and too much pestering, let down their defenses and hook up with a ‘bag.

We are all sinners. Every one.

The point is to move forward. Learn your lessons and do not repeat them. Hotts can be acquired without resorting to the spectacles “required” by our culture of conspicuous consumption.

Reject what you have been taught by the media industry. Find the authentic self. It is an ongoing life struggle that will never fully resolve itself. Know that it is the journey, not the destination. Keep trying, and it is in the trying that you will succeed.

And by succeed, I mean boobie reveal.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Brothabag Edgar brings two things to the game. 1. Hot Chicks. 2. Uberdouchebaggery. To paraphrase Shakespeare, the playah’s the thing. This greasy tool may be Welles in ’41. Koufax in ’61. Gillis in ’78. We’ll see how far that spike can go at the next HCwDB of the Week.

Meanwhile, your humble narrator is spending the weekend in Cape Cod. Mocking the Masshole ‘Bags and continuing to marvel at New England’s limited hott supply.

Back to work very soon in L.A. so a bit more of summer to be had. And tasty Hostess Treats to bridge the time.

Here’s your links:

My childhood hometown alt weekly, The Boston Phoenix, disses HCwDB, my show, and gives no credit where credit is due, vis a vis the origins of “douche T.V.” Then again, the writer has to live in Boston. The rest of us got out in the 90s.

Sizzle Tans!

David H. Brooks, a military contractor, spends $100,000 taxpayer dollars on an American flag belt buckle encrusted with rubies, sapphires and diamonds. Earns a Douchebag of the Year award.

Auto Hater.

Snitches get Stitches. Douchebags get beer pong.

Musicsnobbery.com does a nice takedown of a wannabe “Jersey Shore” Vinny D press release.

You didn’t think it was possible, but The frolic battles are turning even more gay.

Jennifer Aniston continues desperate attempt to locate a personality. So sad when hot chicks lose all appeal due to total vacuousness.

Bernadette Peters looking Uberhott, coming out of the Walter Kerr theater on Broadway last Tuesday, taken by your humble narrator.

For the historians tracking Grieco Virus spread, here is anthropological footage of infestation beginning in Graz, Austria in 2007.

Okay, I know why you really checked in on a Friday afternoon.

Was it for Ass Beer?

Not quite. It was for Ass Pear. And here is your Pear:

Porch Pear.

Enjoy. For it is celebrated semi-globes of jiggle fondle joy.

EDIT: It appears Porch Pear has already been Paired, so as amends, I offer Over the Shoulder Pear.

Neil Fung

Not since the early days of Crotchby, Soils, Rash and Fung has an oldbag this lame hit on the hottest wine taster at that cool downtown wine tasting event that never actually happens and doesn’t actually exist but you keep thinking to yourself, “if only I went to more wine tastings, perhaps I’d meet a girl who’s funny, quirky, and a magical pixie dreamgirl.”

Ask DB1: Is George Hamilton a Historical ‘Bag?

—-
Dear DB1,

— Et Tu Douche?
—-

This is a tough call and a good question, E.T.D., as other than the extreme orangeness, George Hamilton has a pretty good sense of humor and doesn’t take himself seriously.

I’m gonna rule nottadouche under a performative leniency exemption (aka “Rockstar Leniency Rule”) since orangeness is so clearly part of his shtick.

That being said, Hamilton did play a role for introducing unhealthy skin tone into the larger discourse, and so must be judged historically accordingly.

Ask DB1: Is George Hamilton a Historical 'Bag?

—-

Dear DB1,

— Et Tu Douche?

—-

This is a tough call and a good question, E.T.D., as other than the extreme orangeness, George Hamilton has a pretty good sense of humor and doesn’t take himself seriously.

I’m gonna rule nottadouche under a performative leniency exemption (aka “Rockstar Leniency Rule”) since orangeness is so clearly part of his shtick.

That being said, Hamilton did play a role for introducing unhealthy skin tone into the larger discourse, and so must be judged historically accordingly.

Friday Haiku

Edgar the Turnip,
Douche pic of toxic kiss plaid.
Kendra’s spleen pukes stars.

Argyle Patel
Stars cascade down Nott-Hott’s side
Does my baby-bump show?

— SonnyChibaChoad

“Am I as a man?”
Quoth the craven, “Nevermore.”
– Edgar Allan Poo

— Wheezer

Prince Purple will Reign
Over greasy & plain Jane
And leave a huge stain

— saulgoode42

Chillin at the courthouse with
Homeless bleeth and star tats
Frolicking later

— Baleen

That tatt on her side
is like the Vietnam wall
of “Bra!” tributes, Bro!

— the douche is alright

Kendra just had to pee
But stayed for the make up tips
Don’t forget to wipe

— Mr. Scrotato Head

Careful there, Rajiv!
Your mortal foe – the TP
holder could wipe you!

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

A splendid bathroom
marred by orange kissy face
toilet paper weeps

— Medusa Oblongata

Acey Douchey: Still Acey, Still Douchey

2008 HCwDB of the Month winner, legendary boat D.J., and all around septic asspud, Acey Douchey is still out there.

Still Jesus blinged.

Still spiked.

Still hitting on the Giggle Hotties.

Still deserving of a medieval bloodletting followed by a vigorous mocking by a school bus filled with giggling fifth graders.

Ask DB1: Military ‘Bags?

SFC A.R. writes in from Afghanistan:

——
Dear DB1,

And in case this email makes it to your site I just want to say one thing to all the HOTCHICKS and all the DOUCHEBAGS who “accidentally” wander on your website to cry about their pictures being displayed here. BIG MUSCLES DON’T WIN WARS! “COOL GUY” TATTOOS AND NICE TANS DON’T WIN WARS EITHER! People with courage who aren’t afraid to face hardship, danger, and adversity WIN wars! Douchebags got a LOOONG way to go!!!

Sincerely,
SFC A.R.

——

Well said, SFC A.R. Well said.

As with Soldier A’s email last week, it can be hard realizing how douchey the country is getting while serving to defend it. And while simply serving in the military does not automatically exempt one from being a douchebag (douches are found in all walks of life), at least the Dog Tags are earned, and that’s legit. While I encourage you to enlighten your fellow enlistees as to how to dedouchify when they get home, if they need to go to Vegas when you all get back, I say go to Vegas.

Just don’t stay at the Hard Rock or the Palms. The Bellagio is much less douchey. Or the Wynn.

And douchebags who emulate the military, without actually serving, are worthy of double mock, so be sure to bring the ‘bag tag mock when you guys get home.

For now, carry on, Soldier.

Ask DB1: Military 'Bags?

SFC A.R. writes in from Afghanistan:

——

Dear DB1,

And in case this email makes it to your site I just want to say one thing to all the HOTCHICKS and all the DOUCHEBAGS who “accidentally” wander on your website to cry about their pictures being displayed here. BIG MUSCLES DON’T WIN WARS! “COOL GUY” TATTOOS AND NICE TANS DON’T WIN WARS EITHER! People with courage who aren’t afraid to face hardship, danger, and adversity WIN wars! Douchebags got a LOOONG way to go!!!

Sincerely,

SFC A.R.

——

Well said, SFC A.R. Well said.

As with Soldier A’s email last week, it can be hard realizing how douchey the country is getting while serving to defend it. And while simply serving in the military does not automatically exempt one from being a douchebag (douches are found in all walks of life), at least the Dog Tags are earned, and that’s legit. While I encourage you to enlighten your fellow enlistees as to how to dedouchify when they get home, if they need to go to Vegas when you all get back, I say go to Vegas.

Just don’t stay at the Hard Rock or the Palms. The Bellagio is much less douchey. Or the Wynn.

And douchebags who emulate the military, without actually serving, are worthy of double mock, so be sure to bring the ‘bag tag mock when you guys get home.

For now, carry on, Soldier.