Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Jodie Lets Mr. Neckfunguous Buy Her a Beer, Wears his Mandana

Jodie, the sweet giggle bobble who sat next to you in Chem 2 junior year, is now out of school and working as a temp in Milwaukee.

Sadly, she now hangs out at the “Roadhouse Inn” to earn her street cred bonafides. And tries desperately to forget the suburban malaise of her high school years and her three year relationship with Scott, and before that Kevin.

So she lets Mr. Neckfunguous buy her a beer. And dons his mandana with giggley aplomb.

The Bleething has begun. But you can only watch from afar, reduced to a Facebook voyeur/quasi-stalker. And you can only hope she’ll pull out of the nose dive before neckfunguous progresses to crotchfunguii.

When Herpster Collides with Tablecloth

The hair will pokey, the hott will drop out of pre-med to go on indie label tour to nowhere, and the Pabst Blue Ribbon will continue to suffer the taint of ironic herpster appropriation.

True Love ™

(Still not pictured)

Honorary Douchemag of the Month: Rolling Stone

I give this honorium with all due respek. For I am a big fan of RS and usually enjoy its strange alchemy of teenage bubble-crap and aging rockers in their 70s.

However, the latest issue, featuring porn star Taylor Swift on the cover, is just drenched in douchebaggery.

Not only are HCwDB’s The Wiggas ™ featured in an article, with nary a douche reference in sight, but also the odious Riff Raff, described by RS as a unique talent.

This is fail, Rolling Stone.

This is not acceptable.

To remove the mock allows the taintstain fungii to rebuild and regrow.

Granted you and I have a checkered history.

But I still expect Rolling Stone to carry some semblance of mock towards uberchoads like the ‘Raff and the Wiggas. For without our firewall of collective scorn, what will society become?

For failing to mock that which is eminently mockable, Rolling Stone earns an Honorary Douchemag of the Month.

The Clone Wars

Little known Star Wars fact. The Clone Wars actually began in Little Armenia in 2009.

Herpster Pukes Buy a Casio

Somewhere in Echo Park, Timmy buys a loaf of artisanal bread.

Party Girl Brooke Sails with the Choad

Once again, the existential question is asked:

Do the douchebags buy the lake boats? Or does owning a lake boat turn one douchey?

Well Sheeeeiiitttt…

If voting’s this sparse for the Monthly, I’mma just post more pictures of Jesus Blinged Mongor hitting on party chicks Jessica and Brandy.

Oh wait, that’s what I do anyway.

Dammit. Hoisted by my own douchetard.

HCwDB of the Month

Bring it.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Guyliner Gary and Goth Gayle

We have never properly mocked the emo choadlicks of scortebaguous on this site.

There’s is a Brony subculture of rankling and disturb.

But, really, how different are they than Jerzey Pudwhackery?

Tighty white tee becomes tighty black tee.

Douche tatt is still a douche tatt.

Guyliner Gary reminds us of the toolbaggeries that await even in the seemingly variant of corners.

Goth Gayle has giggle smile. Late night pancakes await.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Alissa and the Pepscrote

This pic feels like a glimpse into another world.

Back in HCwDB’s halycon days, before the media industry tool my beloved (and coined) “douche” descriptive and began applying it willy nilly to any and all males of annoying persuasion as the means to grab a quick laugh (looking at you, “New Girl”).

The Pepscrote is classic sodabag.

Affliction shirts.

Still out there.

Still Ed Hardy’s retarded brother.

Let us never forget the road of cultural suck that led us to this moment in our collective history.

Alissa is barely legal hip suckle.

Pepscrote uses too much gel.

Together, they are rancid key lime pie.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Yankee McSpankee and Andrea’s Dreas

Like a broken Jeter ankle, this finalist couple fractures its way into the Monthly.

And while it’s never appropriate to celebrate a sports injury, in the case of the Yankees there is an exception.

For the Yankees sucketh. Goeth Tigers. So it shall be known across the seven lands.

Khaleesi decrees it so.

Andrea’s Dreas swing pendulously with approval and suckle bobble hypnosis.

Her arms are the strength of female wiles.

They crush my spirit and betray my intellect.

As I sell whatever assets I have to have her assets.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Tri-Vag Dave and Real World Heather

For sheer retardundity, is there anything we’ve seen worse lately than Tri-vag Dave’s tri-vag chinpubery?

I think not.

But Dave’s an everyday pud underneath it all.

Just an average white boy on the road to mediocrity.

Desperately paying $200 for a douche shit and hoping to keep up in a land he doesn’t understand.

Real World Heather doesn’t set the HC quotient on fire, but she is still quality youth smile.

Together, there is much to hate about Long Island.

So them’s your four.

Which of these hottie/douchey couplings deserves entrance in the Monthly?

Vote, as ever in the comments thread.

Germany Makes up for the Holocaust

One step at a time, Deutschland. One step at a time.