When Herpster Collides with Tablecloth
The hair will pokey, the hott will drop out of pre-med to go on indie label tour to nowhere, and the Pabst Blue Ribbon will continue to suffer the taint of ironic herpster appropriation.
Honorary Douchemag of the Month: Rolling Stone
I give this honorium with all due respek. For I am a big fan of RS and usually enjoy its strange alchemy of teenage bubble-crap and aging rockers in their 70s.
However, the latest issue, featuring porn star Taylor Swift on the cover, is just drenched in douchebaggery.
Not only are HCwDB’s The Wiggas ™ featured in an article, with nary a douche reference in sight, but also the odious Riff Raff, described by RS as a unique talent.
This is fail, Rolling Stone.
This is not acceptable.
To remove the mock allows the taintstain fungii to rebuild and regrow.
Granted you and I have a checkered history.
But I still expect Rolling Stone to carry some semblance of mock towards uberchoads like the ‘Raff and the Wiggas. For without our firewall of collective scorn, what will society become?
For failing to mock that which is eminently mockable, Rolling Stone earns an Honorary Douchemag of the Month.
The Clone Wars
Little known Star Wars fact. The Clone Wars actually began in Little Armenia in 2009.
Herpster Pukes Buy a Casio
Somewhere in Echo Park, Timmy buys a loaf of artisanal bread.
Party Girl Brooke Sails with the Choad
Once again, the existential question is asked:
Do the douchebags buy the lake boats? Or does owning a lake boat turn one douchey?
Well Sheeeeiiitttt…
If voting’s this sparse for the Monthly, I’mma just post more pictures of Jesus Blinged Mongor hitting on party chicks Jessica and Brandy.
Oh wait, that’s what I do anyway.
Dammit. Hoisted by my own douchetard.
HCwDB of the Month
Bring it.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Guyliner Gary and Goth Gayle
We have never properly mocked the emo choadlicks of scortebaguous on this site.
There’s is a Brony subculture of rankling and disturb.
But, really, how different are they than Jerzey Pudwhackery?
Tighty white tee becomes tighty black tee.
Douche tatt is still a douche tatt.
Guyliner Gary reminds us of the toolbaggeries that await even in the seemingly variant of corners.
Goth Gayle has giggle smile. Late night pancakes await.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Alissa and the Pepscrote
This pic feels like a glimpse into another world.
Back in HCwDB’s halycon days, before the media industry tool my beloved (and coined) “douche” descriptive and began applying it willy nilly to any and all males of annoying persuasion as the means to grab a quick laugh (looking at you, “New Girl”).
The Pepscrote is classic sodabag.
Affliction shirts.
Still out there.
Still Ed Hardy’s retarded brother.
Let us never forget the road of cultural suck that led us to this moment in our collective history.
Alissa is barely legal hip suckle.
Pepscrote uses too much gel.
Together, they are rancid key lime pie.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Yankee McSpankee and Andrea’s Dreas
Like a broken Jeter ankle, this finalist couple fractures its way into the Monthly.
And while it’s never appropriate to celebrate a sports injury, in the case of the Yankees there is an exception.
For the Yankees sucketh. Goeth Tigers. So it shall be known across the seven lands.
Khaleesi decrees it so.
Andrea’s Dreas swing pendulously with approval and suckle bobble hypnosis.
Her arms are the strength of female wiles.
They crush my spirit and betray my intellect.
As I sell whatever assets I have to have her assets.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Tri-Vag Dave and Real World Heather
For sheer retardundity, is there anything we’ve seen worse lately than Tri-vag Dave’s tri-vag chinpubery?
I think not.
But Dave’s an everyday pud underneath it all.
Just an average white boy on the road to mediocrity.
Desperately paying $200 for a douche shit and hoping to keep up in a land he doesn’t understand.
Real World Heather doesn’t set the HC quotient on fire, but she is still quality youth smile.
Together, there is much to hate about Long Island.
So them’s your four.
Which of these hottie/douchey couplings deserves entrance in the Monthly?
Vote, as ever in the comments thread.
Germany Makes up for the Holocaust
One step at a time, Deutschland. One step at a time.
Comment of the Week: Vin Douchal
V.D. takes down Marty Crotchenrott’s pollution of Amanda in Vegas and wins the coveted Comment of the Week:
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Amanda’s thinking this is as good as it gets. She may be right. Three kids and yet another month with no child support payment will not be rewarded with gratification when the D.A. suspends Marty’s drivers license.
He’ll still be tooling along the 405 to his job manning the copier at Office Depot, hitting on the hot secretaries dropping off their work. The rejection piles high but Marty rises to the occassion in a tank top in front of his mirror each night, tatts out, fan blowing in his face as he mouths the words along to Maroon 5 seeing himself as a dude that just couldn’t catch the big break.
No Marty, you caught the biggest break of all when delicious Amanda fell for your line of auditory diarreah and tough guy posturing accentuated by horrible, meaningless and unsightly tattoos. And you blew it. Chaulk it up to the times and lack of effort and substance. You suck. Hard
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