Four Prong Sez…
These three ‘bags ain’t got nothin’ on me in the Yearly! For if they up their douchey ways to the next level, I’se just bust the yellow wrist ‘kerchif and my sidekick, “Bob,” to impress the ladiez.
Actually, Four Prong didn’t make it to the Yearly. Lost to The Sharkbag and Renee’s Bosom Canons. But I may find a way to include that douchey clubwank somehow.
Did I mention the 2010 Douchie Awards are only a month away?
(and if you click on the pic, you can see Four Prong in brand new Douchimation ™!)
HCwDB of the Week
Bring it. Here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Mechachin and the Tartar Sisters
Paid-to-pose hotts with Paid-to-Douche asswipe? Perhaps.
But for this, there is no excuse.
Mechachin is classic party pud. His actual violations are more thematic and descriptive rather than performative.
Well, okay, they’re actual, too. That shirt makes makes the Babby Buddha spittle.
The Tartar Twins are not classic hotts neither, but their sexy supple curves and employed on-the-clock blankness have a quality sexiness that is worth honoring with chafe.
Are they our weekly winner? On to finalist #2:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Dave Templescrote and Lori
Dave Templescrote is a subtle choadmunch.
Not overpowering. But stenchworthy, nonetheless.
The racing stripes and hair fwip, not to mention the grey on grey silk doucherman label look. All bad. But subtly bad. Not usually that loud Weekly Winner ‘bag bad.
Lori is all that is tight, firm and eye wateringly suckle thigh.
Together, this is real world violation, as Dave Templescrote likely gets to fondle her gagingas in private. Her privates in gaginga.
Never forget the extra helping of violation when racing striped templed wankpuds get a quality hott like Lori.
And speaking of quality hott, that leads us to #3:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Fratbrosephus Bros and Arielle
Now before you dismiss these fratty puds for lack of overt douchescrotery in presence of hott, hear me out.
For one thing, we have yet to truly mock the whole Zima Ice “Bros Icing Bros” nonsense. Secondly, aging fraternity brothers acting like jackasses will always have a home on HCwDB. Ne’er should it be otherwise.
And thirdly, Arielle is teeth rattling, spleen shaking, grandma rocking chair flipping, circular firecracker fuel.
And the Hott is 1/2 the equation.
But are the Fratpuds douchey enough to win?
(Dis)honorable mention to the skeezosity of The Power Choad, the baglings and sexy Euroblonde of Manya’s Mistake, The freakish genius of The Redneckbag, The Douchepocalypse Coupling (too paid to burleque to make the finals), and Average Mohawk Guy who was just too average.
This Weekly is a real world weekly. No douchestars, but all worthy puds and quality suckle thighs. Them’s your three. Which coupling deserves to call itself HCwDB of the Week?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Happy Douchebag Halloween!!
Here’s the scariest thing you’ll see all day.
Boo!!
EDIT #1: For those complaining there is not hott counterbalance, have some extraordinarily suckle thigh quality Cracked Wall Pear.
EDIT #2: The great Vin Douchal’s latest HCwDB MP3 track is up — Dedicated to Brothabag Edgar it is called “I’m Pretty.” It’s also for sale on on iTunes.
HCwDB Halloween 2010
If you and your loved one are considering going in HCwDB tandem for Halloween this weekend, take costumic inspiration from previous years.
2009:
The HCwDB Comments Threads regulars for HCwDB Halloween:
Memphis Doucheworkers Local 421 and his Lady busts some quality Halloween HCwDB
Army of Doucheness does Gunter
Army of Doucheness’s Gunter #2. Scary good work, AoD. Now sing me “Summer Holiday.”
Archidouchies busts some classic HCwDB stylin’
Major Malfunction and Lady bust the Bra!! Gunshow, complete with Startatt
Reader Mike and Boozy Hott recreate “Chug Life,” with URC watching
Douchebag Mike goes full-on faux to amuse an Asian Hott
And in Pic #2, DBag Mike HCwDBs with a Bunny
Douchey Douche manages to get double-pop and arm tatts into his costume for his lady
And Ubiquitous Anonymous Lurker goes solo Orange
Other reader submitted pics:
Reader Red and his Lady do some Bathroom Doggie ‘Baggin’
If Grant didn’t have the fake arms, I’d be running him and his lady hott in a Weekly.
Eric and his Bro assure me this really was for Halloween
Anon assures me this really was him and his girlfriend doing ‘Jerz HCwDB’, although it’s so real it’s frightening.
Spiro creeps me out in a hotel hallway
Michael brings the Vegas Power Douche
Pat and his Lady Hott are just a little too convincing as Inland Empire HCwDB
Sleiman and his ‘Boyz’ fail to convince me they haven’t done this before
Tyler brings fuel in case he runs out of energy
Reader Greg Busts some Hott Hott and Douchey Douche.
Charles oranges it up at a ‘Ween house party
Alex and his Girl bring the ingenious ‘Cross Dressing HCwDB’
Blaque Jesus does the Mirror ‘Bag
Chris M and Girlfriend go full orange
An Anon Reader busts ‘Kissylips Dancer’
Monica and her Man provide before/after evidence of the HCwDB transformation
Ari and his ‘Boyz’ nail the DB but forget the HC
Bonobo and his Hott also bust classic HCwDB
Charles brings the Heineken
Kristen dresses up her boyfriend as ‘Armybag’
Brandon and His Girl bust HCwGGW
Brotha L.B. and his Magic Lady mock Yuppie Douche
Matt mixes metaphors with ‘Fidel Castro Douche’
Brian achieves truly spectacular ‘Pink Pop Collar,’ as well as wins the Best Halloween Douche Utility Belt Award
Captain S.P. brings his Army Hott along for the ride
Telly and his Lady go ‘Hot Mermaid with Power Douche’
Another Brian busts Rockerbag
Scott and his Lady do ‘The Jerz’
Chaz and his Lady bring the Literal Summers Eve
But wait, there’s more!
Chocolate Douche reminds us the Brothas can mock the Brothabags too
Chris with the brilliant ‘Hello My Name is Douchebag’ snags a Tall Cornfed Hott at the party
Cort gets into his D.B. persona with some awesome kissy lips
Drake and Girlfriend do ‘Hot Dorothys with Douchebags’
Evan and ‘Bro’ bring the West Coast ‘Bag, along with their girl’s ‘Sexy Cop’
Sean and Becky do ‘Hot Sailorettes with Douchebags’
Gordo writes in from Canada where he busts some D.J. Douche with Barely Legal Hott
Graeme goes solo douche with some Homemade Ed Hardy
Hoboken Brian busts Jerz
Hugh and his Ladies Bring the ‘Ween Party up to HCwDB standards
Not quite HCwDB, exactly, but here’s Halloween Nerd/Hott Google.
Josh and Friend take HCwDB to 11
Lance and his Lady’s Costume are so good, they scared their dog
2009 was a banner year for HCwDB costumes. But 2008 wasn’t so shabby neither.
2008:
1. KH and Asian Sailorette storm the beaches at Douchemandy.
2. Brett M Guidos it Up in style.
3. Carson Y Macks. And then muscles it up to some boobies.
4. Cathie B brings the Winehouse while her boyfriend busts ‘Bag.
5. Cory B’s costume is so good, I almost ran it as a real pic.
6. Crissy and her boyfriend bring tremendous hottie/douchey forces into play.
7. Seth M busts literal signage, multi-colors and two hotts. Good work, Seth.
8. The Anti-Douche and his Hott overwhelm with a perfect Halloween combo.
9. Tom L and his Smokin’ Hott are almost too realistic. Are you sure this is Halloween?
10. I’m not convinced Dante is really in costume. But the limo is genius.
10a. Cim’s costume finds the key to the DB1’s heart.
And here’s a sampling of some of the other notable submits:
Baggin M ‘bags it up.
Brian C gets down.
Dante and his Boyz formed a Halloween douche posse.
Donk Diggler goes to town.
Gaw says “Whassup?”
Erik K is orange.
FSDU’s Douche Costume is minimal but his hott is for real. Goddamn.
Frankie forgets the Hott but makes a helluva douche.
Les Douches are actually kind of scaring me.
Double X has the costume, but where are the kissy lips?
Paul A earns a kiss for his costumed douchosity.
Billy B has the perfect costume and sidekick, but no hotts, sadly.
The Minnesotans know how to mock the douche.
Michael M goes “Double Pop” with a Sailor Cutie in tow.
Steve Makes Kissy Lips with a Naughty Nun.
Jordan J’s Tatts look just a tad too real to be costumey douche.
Billy B Busts a Move
LL is a Douche Bandit with yet another Sailor Hott.
GT and Alice make a surreal hott/douche coupling.
Here’s Mike and Randy, who just sent me one last pic to make the cut.
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I love reruning these links on the site, so much genius work. In the age of The Jersey Shore, it’ll never be just us again. But remember when you see all those “Situation” and “J-Woww” costumes tonight, who was there first.
Friday Thoughts and Links: Halloween Edition
I meditate on the ginormous mandana on this Friday before the Hallow’s Eve.
I ruminate.
I postulate.
I crapulate.
And I reach an epiphany: It looks stupid.
But then I realize that young ladies today follow in the traditions of their foremothers, and wear tight red dresses displaying the firmness of suckle boobage.
And all is well in the witching hour.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Book Pick of the Week: “I was a victim of a series of accidents, as are we all.”
One of the Holy Grails for those of us who grew up in the 80s has finally been released: Footage of Eric Stoltz as Marty McFly.
HCwB’s own Baron Von Goolo pwns Twilight. BvG for the epic uber-win.
T Shirt Hell introduces the Douche Baggins. I should’ve gotten around to making those HCwDB shirts I was gonna design last year. Stupid laziness.
Of all the many “Hot Chicks with” ripoff sites created after HCwDB, none may be odder than Hot Chicks with Big Fish.
If you’re bored and have time to kill this Halloween, you can always watch fifteen minutes of “Bad Ronald.”
HCwDB Halloween Costumes, once the province of readers of this site, are now everywhere: When costume disasters strike on Halloween. I’m a bit bummed it isn’t our collective private mock anymore, but a larger cultural mock is still a good thing.
Speaking of, Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco does his best “Situation.”
The great Roger Ebert pens an engaging look back at Hugh Hefner and Playboy.
But you’re not here for blogs about Playboy. You’re here for the Pear. And while I have no Halloween-centric Pear to offer you upon this Friday, I can offer you this:
It is healing. It is wholesome. It is firm like the finest gouda.
Enjoy. Partake. Serve on a cracker.
For it is Halloween weekend. And the ‘bags are properly mocked.
“Virgin Arm #38”
When the art world has finally recognized my genius for the recontextualization of the found image in the age of the simulacrum, and I am awarded my first major gallery show at the Guggenheim in 2023, this will be one of the pieces I will select as part of my installation.
I title this “Virgin Arm #38.”
In the age where auteur theory is dead and post-structuralism has destabilized meaning structures beyond signification, it is generative contextualization that marks the new avant-garde.
Is She Really Going Out With Him? Marathon on MTV on Saturday
Check out a marathon of past episodes tomorrow as we gear up for the premiere of Season Three on Monday (every day at 4pm).
2:00 AM ET/PT on MTV
6:00 AM ET/PT on MTV
6:30 AM ET/PT on MTV
7:00 AM ET/PT on MTV
7:30 AM ET/PT on MTV
3:00 PM ET/PT on MTV
A bonus tip of Ubiquitous Red Cup to anyone who catches the 2am one.
Friday Haiku
Greased Lubey Douche
Freud says: Thumb phallic trauma,
Lana abandoned.
Not what I meant by
will you go down on me Sheila?
but she gives good thumb
— Eliza Douchecoo
The douchebag dentist,
Looking for a decayed tooth,
But, extracts her soul.
— Devon Wheatcakes
White Leather Matches
On Pedros belt and wrist, but
Lana, too much teeth
— THEONETRUEDOUCHE
A fan of salad.
Fedora likes his tossed. No
Mayo just oil.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Reminders of the
Gulf disaster. But for them,
“BP” means “butt plug.”
— Wheezer
I got a hat yo
bandanna on the neck check
seven foot of poo
— wonderdouche twin
Had no idea
F. Murray Abraham was
A gutter urchin.
— boatbutter
He misunderstood,
When the brunette told him,
“I want your digits.”
— scrotum pole
The Power Choad
Every pool near a “Guitar Center” has one.
I will dub this one “Slaxl.” As his double serving of quality morally-lacking pear tasks me on this Thursday eve.
Manya’s Mistake
At first, Manya just wanted to be friendly when Sven asked to take a pic at the 18+ club in Copenhagen.
But then it was Manya and Sven and Sven’s friend Gustav.
And then Manya realized she’d stepped into a swamp of Eurobaggery.
