Reader Mail: Brisbane Has Brisbags
Aussie ‘Bag Hunter writes in from Australia:
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Dear bag hunters,
I’m a long time admirer of this site, but I have one small quibble.
You see, I live in a little place called Brisbane in Australia. It’s a great city in most ways. We have some sweet cultural capital going on down here. One of our problems though, is that we’re a long way from anywhere and with this country having a population that is small and spread far, the only time we get to see the really big music acts is at our music festivals.
Now I’m not complaining about that. I’m just saying, if we sent one ‘bag hunter to one of our festivals, you would see we have the greatest douche-per-hotte ratio on the planet, or at least outside of L.A. and Sydney, and so I feel we are sorely under-represented on HCwDB.
As evidence, please see just one of the many possible examples attached. She’s the kind of girl who has a smile that warms your cockles and a body that could revive even a corpse-bag’s knob. His level of baggery is exemplary of the summer festival going ‘bag and speaks for itself.
Regards,
Aussie ‘bag hunter
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Ah, Australia. You give us actors and beer, and we give you mass marketed hair grease. You give us Aussie Rules Football, we give you David Beckham. Oh wait, that was England. Blame England for that one.
Mmm… Kylie Minogue.
Coors Blight
When garish fake boobs are in an Ed Hardy bikini and Groin Shave Reveal haunts the lower part of the image like toxic eye cancer, it’s time for some real world Quattro Pear to bring us back to what is right and just and benevolent.
Quattro Pear is not pearbrushed nor photopeared. It is real world gnaw.
Mandana Morrie is Sad
Not even able to win the HCwDB of the Week, despite bringing a phenomenal boobie hottie to the game, Mandana Morrie sadly consoles himself.
By bothering some local bar wenches. While wearing arm mesh.
Frankie and Petey: The Boob Brothers
Somewhere. Out there. There are boobs to be grabbed.
And wherever those boobs are, Frankie and Petey will be there.
To grab them.
Meatclown Matt’s Do and Don’t
Meatclown Matt don’t know from Weekly or Monthly voting.
Heck, Meatclown Matt don’t know from basic math. Or advanced rotary function.
But Meatclown Matt do know one thing.
The ladies love Angry Sun God Cartoon Ra shoulder tatt.
Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn Just Voted
While prepping for the next HCwDB of the Week, Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn wanted to stop by and vote in the HCwDB of the Month.
And then pose for the next pic in the global modern art project, “iPhone Hottie/Douchey Bathroom Pics.” It’s being put together by a broad consortium of global artists and performers, including Banksy, Spike Jonze, Harmony Korine and Lilly Ledbetter.
The coffee table book, Hot Chicks and Douchebags Self Portraiture in Bathroom iPhone: The Global Artists Project, will be available from Simon Spotlight Entertainment in the Fall of 2012.
HCwDB of the Month
Four quality finalists of hottie/douchey mucktimuck. The prelims are over. And while we won’t see this douche until the next Weekly, it’s time for you to bring it. It’s the HCwDB of the Month.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Smugger John and Valencia
Chalk up the Smugger for “real world” ‘baggery, and Valencia for Emanuelle level female self exploration of budding sexuality.
The Smugger was an unlikely victor in the Weekly, but the Monthly is a much bigger fry to cook. And by fry, I mean underwear reveal, and by cook, I mean mock like it’s a buttcheek wart.
The Monthly is, of course, the last step to competing at the 2010 Douchie Awards in December for the HCwDB of the Year.
Can the Smugger and Valencia compete?
Perhaps. For Valencia’s leg boots are quality gnaw.
But that brings us to choice #2:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The ‘Baggle Axe and Marissa Sisters
The ‘Baggle Axe took down the heavy favorites in his Weekly (The Stars Hawk and Blight)
Pretty impressive ‘Baggle Axer with bonus toxic groin shave. But enough to take the Monthly? That remains to be seen.
On the Hott side of the equation, The Marissa Sisters are real world Philadelphia giggle.
Especially you, Marissa #1 on the left. How I would pooch your glutes and slap a whisky glass with a dead halibut just for the chance to harmonize your convergence.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Jebus, Mary and Broseph
Who could forget The Jebus and Mary Stain, and The Semen on the Mount?
Our creepy Euro party coupling of the Monthly, the Jebus and Mary Stain is all sorts of cultural blight iconography.
Perhaps.
But The Passion of the Crust is all sorts of mockable club scrotewankery.
Shirtless, pouty, rich trust fund asswipery at work in the overpriced Grey Goose ordering purgatorio of Euro ambivalence.
It’s enough to make me slap a Romanian baker and ask for change.
And Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of accent. Let me gnaw. Let me gnaw.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Mountinis and Kimberly
Blame Canada. When Fred and Jed Mountini go for Appletinis, all hope is lost.
Our Canadian entry in the Monthly, these three Northern Blights represent all that has gone wrong in our friendly Canucks of the North.
Are they performative spectacle? Perhaps. But that is no excuse for Fred Mountini’s ridiculous hair. And while we can’t get a great look at Kimberly, her hott factor is legit.
But lest your humble narrator ramble any more on this Monday after he returned from the Cape, let me turn it over to you.
Which of these four Weekly winners brings both toxic douchosity and delightful hotticity in combo enough to win the Weekly and compete in the Yearly?
Vote, as always, with your reasons in the comments thread.
If you still haven’t created a profile on the site so you can vote with confidence, you can set up a profile here.
Vinny D's "Summertime"
I just prayed for a nuclear winter.
Vinny D’s “Summertime”
I just prayed for a nuclear winter.
Ask DB1: Woo Hottie Relapse
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DB1,
Forgive me fellow bag hunters for I have sinned.
My friends and I recently hosted a house warming party with some of the local Woo Hotts, and I had a rather unsettling moment. I became what I have mocked. The combination of cheap light beer and woo hotts was all it took to become a bag.
I will spare you the gory details, but safe to say I was punch-worthy at best.
So this is where my conundrum starts. Could I be as hypocritical as the Evangelical minister who rails about the evils of homosexuality, only to be discovered soliciting gay sex in a restroom stall? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)
Could it be possible that I despise the chode because deep down I am one? I fear that blasphemers such as myself are destined for the deepest circles of Jersey, where they fist pump you for all eternity. I throw myself on the mercy of my fellow bag hunters who I have disgraced with my boorish behavior. What should I do, oh great and wise leader?
Sincerely,
Douchey Lewis and the News
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Fellow ‘bag hunter, fear not.
Every ‘bag hunter has acted douchey to score the hott. ‘Bag Huntresses similarly sin when they slip up and, after too many drinks and too much pestering, let down their defenses and hook up with a ‘bag.
We are all sinners. Every one.
The point is to move forward. Learn your lessons and do not repeat them. Hotts can be acquired without resorting to the spectacles “required” by our culture of conspicuous consumption.
Reject what you have been taught by the media industry. Find the authentic self. It is an ongoing life struggle that will never fully resolve itself. Know that it is the journey, not the destination. Keep trying, and it is in the trying that you will succeed.
And by succeed, I mean boobie reveal.
