Ask DB1: “Psychological Malefunction”
Christina writes in with a rant that says it all:
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idk what the hell i’m supposed to write here but this dude is a psychological malefunction. i met him a few days before moving back to the east-coast but he convinced me he was worth staying for (stupid choice #1) 25 yr. old in vegas. jobless. lives with mom. in hopes to be a d.j.. favorite t.v. show = rupauls drag-race. runs his mouth on all his friends & is the oldest in his crowd, probably cause it makes him feel “cool”. the temper of a 17 yr. old valley girl on the rag. cries all the time. lies about things normal people wouldn’t lie about. like his ex-girlfriend dying in a car accident, but in full detail…. and crying about it. (i found out she was very much alive & hit the breaking point). he spends more than 2 hr.s getting ready. transforms from a benecio del toro to a napoleon dynamite in a matter of seconds, when zoned out. he is completely obsessed with himself, when i got my camera back i had to delete like 20 freakin photos of him doing “hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil” faces…
if any girl meets him, run. the lights are on, but nobody’s home with this doucher. SAVE YOURSELF, unless you want this over-dramatic waste of space, PIECE O’ SHIT, in your life.
— Christina
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“Psychological malefunction” may be the unintended malapropism of the year. Or, to make a meta-mala, I propose the neologism: “malepropism.”
But I digress. Christina’s email offers a deep and profound insight into the mind of both the H.C. and the D.B. that come together. We, as ‘bag scholars, must perform exegesis upon this text. Unpack it’s complex and contradictory signifiers to discover the larger cultural and historical strains at work.
However, the pic featured here is not Christina’s ex, since I didn’t get a pic of this doucher with a hot chick to run. Here’s the actual pic Christina submitted.
Lenny's Midlife Crisis
Because, for Lenny, that was just one P.T.A. meeting too many. It was time to throw it all away. Start from scratch. Reinvent himself.
As a naked gladiator.
Meanwhile, Paulina asks herself if leaving Dusseldorf really was worth it in the end.
Lenny’s Midlife Crisis
Because, for Lenny, that was just one P.T.A. meeting too many. It was time to throw it all away. Start from scratch. Reinvent himself.
As a naked gladiator.
Meanwhile, Paulina asks herself if leaving Dusseldorf really was worth it in the end.
Sinbag Fails the Seven Seas
Arrrr!!! Ye matey is a douche!!!
Get thy bar wenches away from this scurvy dog, arrr!!!!
The Sharkbag Plucks His Goose
HCwDB of the Week contender The Sharkbag wants this thing bad. So bad, he’s getting auto-fellated with one of the key douche signifiers, Runnin’ With the Goose.
Note the fascination on young Joey’s face as he learns to douche from a true master.
But Star Blazer isn’t taking this one lying down, busting out the classic douche move: The iPhone bathroom mirror self portrait.
Who will win the HCwDB of the Week?
Yup, I’m pimpin’ this worse than a crack ho’ in post-recession Detroit.
Abe Foxman Voted in the HCwDB of the Week
You might not have heard of Abe Foxman.
He’s the head of the Anti Douchimation League, an important New York based non-profit dedicated to making sure douchebags are mocked at all times.
Unfortunately, a large bender in Vegas led Foxman to shave his chest, put on the McBain Goggles That Do Nothing, find adouchey wingman, and hit on Kathy by the slots machines at the Palm.
Another fall from grace for an overhyped moralist.
HCwDB of the Week
Just a triumphant few weeks of hottie/douchey pics, almost impossible to cull down to a final three. And by triumphant, I mean culture shredding grease poo. Here’s your first group of finalists to win a spot in the next HCwDB of the Month:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Sharkbag and Renee
What more can be said about cheesy mo’ club promoters coopting the signifiers of late 70s punk to get a better nightly booking fee to spin Rihanna songs for suburban greaseballs paying 30 bucks to buy overpriced Grey Goose and lose their hearing in the off-chance they might get boob grope on the dance floor?
Yup.
That last paragraph pretty much said it all.
Renee is slutty Gina Gershon in ’95 hott, and here, and while the Sharkbag moves on to a trampy “Cat in the Hott” here, it was Renee whose low hanging fruits asked me to pluck them like tangelo squeeze.
But is the Sharkbag’s mo’ and mail slot sneer toxic enough in service of polluting Renee to win HCwDB of the Week?
That brings us to candidates #2.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Starblazer and Astra
Like import Japanese anime, the ‘Blazer began pulling one of the most toxic double moves we’ve seen on the site in months.
Ab/tatt douche reveal while kissing a hott brings in every element of narcissism and need to be seen that defines the modern proto-bag.
He is the Haltrex 9000.
Greasing up Astra in a run of pics, here and here.
But what’s this?? Bringing 2009 HCwDB of the Year winner Smoot to the game? Yikes. That’s like hiring Van Halen to play your high school prom.
But wait!! Who’s this coming to the ring?… Could it be… a dark horse in the running?…
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Unisex Yaz Dangler and Mocha
Could it be?? Could a reader mail submission of a boozy bar hott with beautiful eyes and perfect suckle mamms getting mugged on by a punk-ass face-clown like Yaz, really challenge for the Weekly in a week with The Shark and the ‘Blazer?
That remains to be seen.
But Yaz is all sorts of aging hipsterbag douche, and Mocha, while tatted up, still has the innocence and servitude of a mid 18th Century industrial revolution Northern England bar wench with a cockney accent and a propensity to put out if you buy her a Bass.
But enough to take the Weekly?
Just missing the cut was the potent and perhaps overlooked due to being posted in a mention of my appearance on the Adam Carolla Podcast, Zombie Kevin. Hmm. Those are some tasty lasses. I may need to give Zombie Kevin an exemption to compete in the next weekly, since this’ll be a short week. Also, lets welcome Dr. Redderick Lobster and Europeans, Teenagers and Shoe Polish to the Closet of Poo, where they will be locked up forever.
So them’s your three couplings. Which provides the right elements to make the alchemy of perfect HC and DB cohabit?
Sharkbag and Renee? The ‘Blazer and Astra? Or the Yaz Dangler and Mocha?
Which deserves to be HCwDB of the Week?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread. And if you haven’t registered a profile name yet, join HCwDB here.
Vote now, so I can justify waking my hungover ass up.
HCwDB of the Week Tomorrow
I was gonna skip doing an HCwDB of the Week this week, what with it being a short Memorial Day four-day week, but the power of Starblazer (pictured here, out of focus) vs. The Shark compels it.
Get ready.
Tomorrow morning, the hottie/douchey smackdown is on.
Wishing You a Contemplative and Reflective Memorial Day
As we contemplate those soldiers who paid the ultimate sacrifice in blood and tears in times of war, let us also remember this:
The Starblazer and Astra are now cohabiting with 2009 Douchebag of the Year, the legendary Smoot.
No Weekly today. Regular postings resume tomorrow.
Your Sunday Frolic
Because if there’s one thing more badass than the Douchebag Skippy Frolic Dance, it’s the Douchebag Skippy Frolic Dance framed up sideways “gangsta” style.
